This beautiful conversion story is not long but it reveals the glory of God and the healing power of the Sacraments. Note her use of the term ‘self-oriented” which means overly concerned with one’s own desires, needs or interests. Isn’t that the perfect way to describe ourselves when we are in need of healing?

I especially like how this amazing girl described the ‘tactility’ of our Faith. Yes, the Sacraments are tactile or capable of being perceived by the sense of touch. God heals us through physical means.  He touches us.  The Sacraments are God Himself reaching out to us with His healing balm of grace.

Thank you, Healed By Grace, for reminding us of the power and love of our Savior and Healer!

 “There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole; there is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin-sick soul.”

 Dear Cindy,

   Thank you so much for your reply. Your words and your experiences give me so much hope, I’m so glad that God has used you to communicate this message to those who need to hear it.  

  Of course I would love to share my conversion story with you. In some ways, it is quite an unusual one and it really goes to show how patient God is and how He is willing to wait for us to come back to Him. 

  I wasn’t raised in a religious family, so in primary school I was enrolled in non-scripture class when the other kids had scripture classes. In year 1, the teacher had a bit of a mix up and put me in the Anglican class – she didn’t believe me when I explained to her that I was not a Christian, so I ended up attending an Anglican scripture class that year. 

   From the very first class, I was fascinated by this man called Jesus. I specifically remember during Easter when I learnt of Christ’s ultimate sacrifice, and I think at that moment I considered myself a Christian. In the 13 years that followed, I would occasionally read the Bible, prayed and wrote letters to God, but there was always something very missing from my faith. 

  In 2008, my parents were invited to a Catholic parish by some family friends. They did the RCIA course and were baptized in 2009 (thanks be to God!).  At the time, I was still so complacent, believing that the faith I was practicing was enough. I was also convinced that Catholic doctrine and dogma was “not right”, despite not really knowing it all too well. 

   In the last 2 years of high school, I had an eating disorder, and it left me feeling very self-orientated, insecure and alone, as well as causing other physiological problems like amenorrhea. I distracted myself from the pain by focusing on school and my final exams – in hindsight, my illness was a gift from God, which helped me to do well in my exams and called me back to the Church. 

   Because I wanted to take my faith more seriously, I decided to do some research, and I went to my parent’s Catholic parish to explore Catholicism with an open mind. I joined the youth group, which helped me a lot – it was very encouraging to see young people take their faith so seriously. I joined an RCIA class in 2012, and was then baptized the following Easter in 2013. 

    It’s been such an amazing journey. I love how rich the Catholic traditions are, and how there is always more to learn. I found that to be such a huge difference between the Catholic Church and Protestantism. The tactility of our faith really helps to strengthen my relationship with Christ, is it always a constant reminder.  

  Thank you very much for your prayers Cindy! I too will pray for you and all the work you do.  

Healed By Grace

————————————————-

 God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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When Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, “What are you looking for?”  John 1:38

What a great question! I turn and see you following me and ask, “What are you looking for?” 🙂

Your answer may be, “An easy way to find the exact post I need right now!”  Given that there are 197 posts, I sympathize with you.

So, this weekend, I spent my time organizing this blog and making sure that all of the posts were added to the List of Posts by Category link.  I have not updated that list since November 2013!

I have been emailing with lots of girls recently and I often will include in my response a link to a post which applies to whatever we are emailing about.  Then, I wonder if the girl missed the post the first time around?  The answer is that yes, she did! And since I had not added the newer posts to the List of Posts by Category, these girls did not have an easy way to search for their topic (online dating, How to say ‘no’, college, guest posts).

The time I would normally spend creating a new post was spent on a little housecleaning and blog organizing.  I hope this helps! As a reminder, the Categories are:

The ‘Stop’ Series

Our Beautiful Feminine Souls

Encouragement

‘Not The One’ Series

Dating

Marriage

Inside Scoop On Men

7 Myths Singles Must Resist Series

Dear Cindy Series

Guest Posts

Book and Movie Reviews

Please check out the updated list!  And, please keep your amazing emails coming!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Dear Cindy, 

    I am SO CONFUSED about using Catholic Match!  So far the only two matches I’ve had with more than one message exchange have gone down in FLAMES.  The second one being tonight. 

HIM: after a week of silence “here’s my number let’s talk/text” 

ME: “can we set a time to talk so I can make sure I’m home?”

HIM: “that’s ok”

ME: “well then whenever, let me know“

HIM: “I mean that’s ok like I’d rather be spontaneous and let things happen natural like when we were teens (!) and by the way I turned down 4 jobs in your area. I’d never move there.  Good luck.”

ME: “Um, thanks for the clarification.” 

I mean, I know I’m not perfect but I know how to talk to people.  These people are STRANGE.  I went through this six years ago on eHarmony, quit, and then have had NO dates since!  How do I attract NORMAL? 

Thank you!  Seeking Normal

Dear Seeking Normal,

Gregg and I both gasped when we read your email!  Gregg said “Thank God that she has dodged that bullet of a guy.  He is acting like a jerk toward her!”

I cannot explain why someone would act so boorish but alas the world is one big gaping wound.  I want to reassure you that his reaction towards you had nothing to do with you.  Only a person who is extremely wounded would treat a girl that way.

Of course, I think the veil, in this case, acted as a protection.  For this, we thank God.

I do know what you mean by some men being strange.  I felt the same way when I was online.  I also wondered how to attract ‘normal.’   But, like I shared in my Mr. Online Man post, it only takes one.

It Only Takes One 

I shared this appalling email so that you girls will know that you are not alone in your frustration.  These exchanges with Mr. Abnormal can be discouraging and can feel very personal.  But, they are not a reflection on you at all.  They are a reflection of the man who is behaving in a boorish manner.

Mr. Normal exists.  You are being healed and prepared so that you will recognize him when he does enter your life. He is being healed and prepared so that he will recognize you and have the courage to pursue you correctly.

There is no guarantee with online dating or any other kind of dating.  The one thing that online dating does is open up the whole world for you.  By participating, you are not limiting yourself (or God’s holy will) to your local area.

Online dating is the most effortless way of putting yourself out there possible. Yes, you will most likely meet strange men with boorish behavior.  You will meet some who are weak in their pursuit.  You must understand from the get go that not all of the men will be candidates for marriage.

But one day, one amazing day out of the blue, your holy spouse could send you a message.  And, things will take off from there.

It only takes one. 

Trust in God and stay the course.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

My post from a couple of weeks ago did not stir up as much controversy as I thought it would.  It was about iinitiating contact in online dating.  In it, I recommended to those who are participating in online dating that they not initiate contact with the men on the site but that instead they wait to see who picks them and then they can decide if things progress to the next level.

Just Getting Things Started 

The reason I expected controversy is because it is so easy to have an I’ll fix it later attitude.  It is easy to think that after you secure a husband, then you can fix things.  Or, after you get him to notice you, then you will fix it so that he pursues you.  To some, the goal is just to get things started and it does not matter who starts it.

I know the idea of waiting to be called upon to dance is excruciating and it makes no sense.  Others encourage us to be assertive because we are paying for an online service.  We should make things happen! But….

Future Consequences

If you notice, all of the 3 R’s I listed (Resourcefulness, Readiness and Realistic) in that post, if lacking, had a consequence in the future.

• If he is not resourceful in dating, then he may be lazy in the marriage. You may be stuck in having to drag him along spiritually, financially or (yuk) sexually.
• If he is not ready, then he may string you along and play with your emotions. He will not feel responsible for the outcome of the relationship because he is not the one who initiated it.
• If he is not realistic, the consequence may be your feelings of insecurity. He thinks he deserves Miss Oklahoma and is unable to see your value.  You will experience this in his lame and inconsistent feelings toward you.

No Short Cuts

The future consequences are very difficult to prevent or undo.  There are no short cuts in life.

I had to learn that this past weekend.  Gregg and I were out-of-town.  It is a long story but we ended up having to turn around by going through some bushes off of a parking lot.  Gregg was not feeling well and I was driving. I was feeling impatient because we were running late.  So I drove back through the bushes and a limb scratched the side of our car.  I was in a hurry and tried to take a short cut.  The consequence of my shortcut will be there to remind me whenever I get into the passenger seat of our car.

Similar to the consequences of initiating with men who are missing the 3 R’s, you may be reminded in the future of how it all started and wonder if things would have been different if you had waited for the guy to initiate.

Fizzle Factor

I am glad that the post was not controversial.  That may indicate that you girls are patiently waiting for your man to initiate contact with you.  I did hear from girls via email and many of them said that each time they initiated contact, things ‘fizzled out’ in the end.

I know how tempting it is to believe that any relationship is better than no relationship at all.  I know how hard it is wait for the one who seeks you out. 37 years I waited. I know.

Also, I have watched my share of relationships fizzle out. Over the last 30 years of observing relationships, I have observed girls initiate/chase/sleep with a guy in order to ‘get’ him with the idea that they will fix it later. This impatience often catches up with them.  I don’t know how else to say this but these women usually lack the influence that is required to ‘fix things’.  And sadly, sometimes the man will, even after many years of marriage, find a new women.  One that he has chosen to pursue.

Wait on the Lord my sweet girls.  Trust in Him.  If you need support, please feel free to contact me.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope.” Psalm 130:5 

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

Scenario:  You go out with a guy, you both enjoy the date and he says he would like to go out again.  But, you are not sure if you are feeling a spark or not.  Should you go out with him again?

My recommendation would be to go on the 2nd date and see if your feelings change.  I would even recommend a 3rd date just to be sure. Sort of like the 3-date rule but this time you are giving the guy a chance to grow on you.

After 3 dates, then you can tell him “I am sorry but although I was hoping for a spark,  I am just not feeling one.  Thank you for the fun and thoughtful dates.”

The Wrist Twister

I have been in that situation before and it was always uncomfortable.  And sadly, I think the guys could tell that it was somewhat forced.  But, I still was glad that I gave them a chance.  Those dates were all part of the process.  They helped me to assess what was important to me and what I was attracted to.

This one guy comes to mind.  He was Catholic, nice, employed and a homeowner.  Check, check, check and check.  But, I did not feel emotionally, spiritually, intellectually or physically attracted to him.  He was attractive, but I was not attracted to him.

I remember him because the poor soul would do this weird thing when he held my hand.  He would insist on his hand being in the back rather than allowing my hand to fit nicely into his hand. My hand and wrist would start to hurt and it made me feel like I was in the masculine role rather than the feminine role. It would sort of make me cringe.   It made me wonder if he understood his role….you know…in general.  Anyway….

Sexual Attraction

You may be wondering if I think sexual attraction is important.  Yes, yes I do!  In fact, I wrote about it in this post!

Now, it may seem like I am saying one thing in that post and telling you something else in today’s post. In the Sexual Attraction post, my point is that a guy can grow on you over time.  In addition, God heals our sight so that we can recognize our Holy Spouse.

In today’s post, I am suggesting that you give it 3 dates to allow for God to move if He chooses.  You can always say to God, “I gave this guy a chance. No spark.”  You remove any feelings of doubt and when the enemy tries to tell you that you are too picky, his words will not have any power over you.  You can rest assured that you are participating in the process.

Part Of The Process

These dates with these non-sparking guys are all part of the process.  They will help you form your assessment of what you need in a husband. And, you will learn something about yourself.  For me, all those non-sparking guys made me appreciate Gregg all the more.  Remember that God put these guys in your life for a reason.  So let’s see what He does!

It is just 3 dates.  Trust in the process.  Trust in the Lord.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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My inbox has been hopping lately with your questions!  I love getting emails from you asking advice about what to do when texting or emailing a guy you have just met.  There is a lot of interaction going on in the on-line dating world and that is wonderful!  Questions range from:

“He has texted me but has not offered to call me.  How do I get him to call me?”

to

“Darn! He asked me to call him.  Should I?  If I do, how long should I wait?”

and

“It is Saturday afternoon and he just asked me out on our first date!  But, he wants to meet tomorrow!  Should I go on such short notice?”

When the girls write to me, it seems like they are wanting to do just the right thing in order to strategically insure the outcome.  What I want to write about today is about dating non-strategically. In other words, dating and responding in a way that comes natural to you rather than worrying about how your response and actions will impact the outcome.

Helping Things Along

I give a lot of advice on how to help things along.  Guys do need encouragement and the beginning of the dating phase can be tough for them.  They worry if they are coming on too strong and are sometimes unsure of how a girl will react to traditional dating approaches.

So, there are things you can say to help move things along.  Like the time I said to Gregg, “What is your end goal?” (Have I posted about this yet??)or “When are you going to come visit me?”  But, there is a difference between helping things along and trying to control the outcome.

Control Freak

No one understands the temptation to control the outcome more than I do!  One of the many frustrating things about our vocation is that we don’t have direct control over it.  Gregg and I laugh when we say this but, in addition to God’s will, it takes the cooperation of two knuckleheads to make a marriage vocation.  The only control you have is over what you do.  It all requires a great deal of trust and dependence on the Lord.  The control freak within must die.

Do What Comes Natural

Everyone is different.  As an example,  if a guy asked me out at the last-minute, it was a no-go simply because I felt like an afterthought.  I would be too annoyed and would not be able to fake a smile.  My irritation would show through.  So, I always declined these last-minute offers.  But, others may not mind.  To them, I say, go and see what he is all about!

Another example is from a reader who had an online guy give her his phone number rather than directly ask her for hers.  This particular reader was disappointed because she wanted the guy to call her.  I encouraged her to do what comes natural, depending upon how important things were to her.  Was it more important that she help move things along or was it more important to her that he call her?  I could not answer this for her.

She did not feel comfortable calling him so I suggested she email him either of the following:

“Hi!  I am home now.  I look forward to your call. XXX-XXX-XXXX :)”

or

“I would prefer to receive a call from you.  I am sort of old-fashioned. 😉 XXX-XXX-XXXX”

In the end, she chose the first one and he called her!  And, they are going out on a date this weekend.

This is who she was at the core and therefore she did what came naturally while trying not to worry about the outcome.  He could have been turned off or thought she was playing games by tossing it back in his court.  But, she wasn’t.  She was just being herself.

I Called First

I revealed to another reader that I called Gregg first.  He gave me his phone number and told me that if I felt comfortable giving him my number he would call me.  I called him but he was not home.  We remember this fact because the next day was 9/11.  Gregg was freaking out trying to return my call and if you recall, the phone lines took a couple of days to come back up again.  We finally did speak and as they say, the rest is history.

Anyway, my point is that I called him first.  And, it felt totally natural. No way would I have called any of those other guys first.  But, unlike the other guys, I did not feel like I had to manipulate the outcome with Gregg.  I could tell simply by his emails that I he was a nice guy who was very interested in me.

The Veil

The concept of The Veil is not based on strategy.  It is based on obedience, trust and providence.  The Lord made you.  He knows what you need to feel love, cherished and pursued.  Not everyone is the same.  Some girls would have never called Gregg.  That is fine. The Lord’s will for you takes that into account. Most likely, even if I had not called him, he would have called me.  In the end, it did not matter.  It was the Lord’s will and somehow we two knuckleheads got together.

So, do whatever comes natural.  If you are not comfortable calling a guy, then don’t.  Just let him know by responding with “I am sort of old-fashioned.  Will you please call me?”  If a guy gets irritated by your sweet, simple, honest request, then it was not the Lord’s will.  Can you imagine being married to a guy who would not respond with honor to such a sweet, simple request from his beloved.  No, no.  It will not do.

I know this sounds trite but you really can be yourself.  You can respond to men in a way that aligns with who you are.  And, you can trust in the Lord.

Please feel free to email me your questions! Knowing what to do is not always clear and it is okay, within reason, to help things along.  I so enjoy walking you through the dating process in obedience to the Lord, trusting in His goodness and providence while remaining true to who you are.  He knows you.  He loves you.  You can trust Him.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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A couple of weeks ago, I dealt with the topic of texting and what to do if the guy uses texting as the main mode of communication.  Remember, texting can be considered a half-hearted lob and therefore you should not treat it as if it is an effort-filled initiation that you can respond to and return. If anything, you can reply with a smiley face. I recommended that you keep all texts short and sweet.  Also, do not get in the practice of holding conversations via text.  If, after a while, the guy does not move things to phone calls and in-person dates, I would respond to his text with this:

“It is difficult to feel a spark via text. Just not my preference. ;)”

A similar response to email can be:

“Email is not my preference.  Would you like to call me?”

Credit: Not me

Stalling

Sometimes a guy will text or email because there is something keeping him from moving things to the next level.  This can happen in the online dating world as well as in person.  The guy presents vague intentions of asking you out but never directly does so.  He acts interested but he is also stalling.  What should you do?

Avoid Being The Buddy

If you are feeling frustrated with all the texting, emailing and stalling, then it is perfectly okay for you to put the guy on the spot.  You have nothing to lose.  In fact, doing this sooner rather than later is wise because if you don’t, then you run the risk of turning into his texting/email buddy.  You will just be someone to make him feel like he has female attention while he waits for the girl who truly inspires him to dates.  That is the worst feeling!

Put Him On The Spot

Usually, after a couple of emails or text, the guy knows if he wants to initiate a romantic relationship with you.  Meeting in person is the next logical step.  So, putting him on the spot forces him to make that decision.

Here is a suggestion for putting him on the spot when he presents these vague intentions of asking you out.  Let’s say he says, “Do you want to go out sometime?” or “What do you have going on this weekend?”  You could say, “What did you have in mind?”

Then, if he responds with an idea without a specific date, time and place, then you can respond with, “When did you have in mind?”

Your text/email conversation would look like this: 

Him:  “Do you want to go out sometime?”

You:  “I would love to.  What did you have in mind?”

Him:  “I was thinking that checking out the new Mexican restaurant would be fun.”

You:  “That does sound fun!  When did you have in mind?”

Him:  “How about Friday evening?”

You:  “Yes, that works for me.  Please give me a call and let me know what time and other details. 🙂  Looking forward to hearing from you, Your Name, Your Number XXX-XXX-XXXX”

Practice

I recommend you practice these put-him-on-the-spot responses because they can also be used over the phone and in person:

“What did you have in mind?”  and “When did you have in mind?”

3-Date Rule

This week has been especially filled with emails from girls who are in fantasy relationships.  With good reason, these girls believe to be in a relationship.  The guy is texting them and emailing them.  Sometimes they even call.  These guys are paying attention to them and showing interest.  But, they are not asking the girls out.  Understandably, the girls have their hopes up!

The recommendation above about putting him on the spot is one way to combat the mystery of whether the guy is interested or not.  Another way is by practicing the 3 date rule.  Until a guy has taken you on 3 dates (where he initiates, pays and shows romantic interest), then he has not earned a right to take up so much of your thought life.  As a refresher, here is the 3-date rule post.

I Love Your Emails

Although I write as if things should always be straightforward, I know that they are not.  If you are dealing with a guy who is stalling, feel free to write to me and we can discuss how to proceed.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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Happy Easter! We were out of town for the weekend and had a wonderful time with my family. I am behind on everything, including responding to emails and planning a post for this week.  As of yesterday, this week’s post was a big blank document. I had a number of topics I could have shared but none of them seemed to be ‘just right.’ Then, I read a post by Amanda, on her blog, Worthy of Agape, which contained the statement, “Thank you for breaking my heart.”

As I was reading it, I said, “Yes, yes!” and “It is the Veil!”

Amanda gave me permission to reblog her post and I have added my own comments. I pray her testimony of a broken heart will encourage you!

“To all of those who came before:
Thank you. Thank you for having the courage to end things, even though it may have been hard. Thank you for recognizing that I wasn’t “The One,” even if I told you that idea was insane. Thank you for letting me go so that God could bring something even more amazing into my life. Thank you for having the strength to walk away, even if it meant some broken hearts and tears fell along the way.”

“Thank you for recognizing that I wasn’t “The One,” even if I told you that idea was insane.”

This whole idea of “The One” can confound us and the idea can seem insane. It only makes sense in hindsight when you can look back and see how wrong the others were for you and how right a certain person can be.

I have this theory called The Veil. The theory claims that the Lord covers us all with a veil and this veil will only be lifted for The One that God has intended for us. Only this person, I call our Holy Spouse, can see us. All other men will reject us because the veil prevents them from seeing us. This rejection, in the end, is loving protection from God.  Although Amanda is not endorsing my theory, it seems that her beautiful testimony reflects this idea of a Divine will leading her towards The One.

“Dare I say it, thank you for breaking my heart. Fulton Sheen said that sometimes the only way that the good Lord can get into our hearts is to break them. Thanks for breaking mine so that He could enter in more deeply. Thank you for shaking my life up, for opening me up to new possibilities. Chances are that when you left I had to readjust my understanding of what my life would look like. You got me out of my comfort zone and into God’s heart, the only place I ever really found rest until the right one came along.”

“Dare I say it, thank you for breaking my heart.”

When you are in the middle of rejection and heartache, it is unimaginable that you would ever utter the words, “Thank you.” This is the part of our Spiritual lives that makes no sense. Staying in the Lord’s will, however, allows us to see the works of His hands and make sense out of it all.

“You could have held on, you could have stuck it out and tried to make it work. You could have fought the feeling that it wouldn’t have worked out in the end. You could have held on, knowing that I’d follow your lead and stick out to the bitter end. But instead you walked away. Honestly, I probably didn’t appreciate it at the time. I was probably pretty mad at you and thought some horrible things about you. I may have thought you were a coward for walking away. I’m sorry for that. If I’d had any idea what your walking away opened the door for, I wouldn’t have been so harsh. But that’s sort of the point, isn’t it? That we don’t know what’s coming, but we should be more charitable anyway, which is exactly why I’m writing you this letter.”

“I may have thought you were a coward for walking away.”

It is normal to blame the one who rejects us. It is difficult to view the rejection in a positive light.

“In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m getting married. As I prepare for the wedding and the marriage, I realize with stunning clarity how none of this would have been possible if you’d stayed. We might have been happy, but you ending things when you did made the stars line up just right for this beautiful relationship to fall into place. If you had stayed even one day longer, I might still be bitter. I might not be writing this letter at all. I might not be marrying the man God made for me, and I for him. If you hadn’t walked away we might still be together, but we probably wouldn’t have been that happy. Who but God knows? All I know is that today, as I sit here and joyfully countdown the days until my wedding, I’m grateful for you in a whole new way. I’m grateful that you walked away so that all of this bliss could fall into place. You played a part in my fairy tale, and I hope I played a good part in yours. I hope one day, if it hasn’t happened already, that you find your reason to write a letter like this. I hope you are thankful for all of the ones that came before. Thanks for touching my life in the way God called you to, and for having the strength to let me go.”

“I realize with stunning clarity how none of this would have been possible if you’d stayed…..If you had stayed……I might not be marrying the man God made for me, and I for him.”

Amanda can look back and see the Lord’s hand in her life. Like a Divine Surgeon, He poured out His grace and cut out all that would interfere with His will. 

Amanda and Anthony (credit Irving Photography)

Thank you, Amanda, for sharing your heart with us! We will keep you and Anthony in our prayers as you enter Holy Matrimony next month!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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I have been meaning to do a book review of ‘Real Men Don’t Text‘ by Ruthie and Michael Dean. I will share my review of the book in this post but the main point that I would like to share with you is that I am seeing a trend related to texting.

What is the trend? The girls who write to me with broken hearts indicate that the main mode of communication between them and the guy who broke their heart is:

Texting

There is a trend that goes like this: in-person contact, disappear, text, failed promise, text, disappear, text….

“He texted me on Valentine’s Day but I didn’t hear from him again until 5 days later. Again, a text.”

“I slept with him and then he disappeared for a week. Then, he texted me asking why he had not heard from me. It is infuriating!”

Back In My Day

I am old-fashioned. Back in the day when I was dating, there was no such thing as texting. Guys called on the phone which was somewhat tethered to a location (like my house or office). There was no talking ‘on the go’. It was done with purpose and focus. It took courage.

And, believe it or not, they wrote ‘snail-mail’ letters and sent cards. I still have these letters and cards in a box which has “Stupid Old Boyfriends” written across it. Email was used occasionally but it was not the primary mode of communication.

Not The Primary Mode

So, things have changed. Okay. But, what has not changed is that when a guy is interested in you, he will call you and take you out on dates. He may text you but it will not be the primary mode of communication. It may be something like this:

“Stuck in a meeting. Call you when I am done.”
“Thinking of you. Can’t wait for our date tonight.”
“We said 6:00 tonight, right? See you then.”

The Answer To “S’up?” Is

Some girls, unfortunately, see texting as meaning more than it should. After not hearing from a guy for a day or week or two, they get this:

“s’up?” (this is not an invitation for supper. It is slang for “What is up?”)

The answer? My recommendation is that you don’t respond. It doesn’t merit a response.

It’s Like Smoking

The advice I would give about texting is similar to the advice people give about smoking:  “don’t even start!”  If a guy is using texting as a primary mode of communication at the beginning of the dating relationship, then you can sweetly say, “Texting is not my preference.”  Then, see what he does.  If he will not meet your preferences at the beginning, well, it does not look good for later.

By the way, the “preference” thing is awesome.  Learn to use it and you will sweetly train guys to woo you correctly.  It is a non-offensive way of communicating, well, your preferences!

Okay, off my soapbox and on to my book review!

Real Men Don’t Text

I am not too sure about the title of this book because I know a lot of wonderful men who text. I think a better title would be: “If he is only texting you, dump him!”

Don’t let the title mislead you because there is a lot of good information in the Dean’s book. They do give excellent advice about texting. But, they also give advice about dating, exuding confidence and saving sex for marriage. Here are some good quotes from the book:

“…it is a trick certain men have conjured up to keep us where they want us—-available, non-demanding and easy. I know how it feels to desperately want a man to like you, but if he is not calling, the writing is on the wall: he’s just not that into you.”

“If he isn’t calling you after you ask him to, he doesn’t like you.”

They have these little ‘Text Translation 101’ sections where they interpret what a text means. It is pretty accurate. I recommend the book. It is an easy read.  If you have read it, please let me know what you think!

And, if you are wondering if the guy you are obsessing over is using texting as the primary mode of communication, write to me and let’s work through this to free you.  theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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Dear Cindy,

I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now, and I always used to glide over the posts about chastity because I didn’t think they applied to me. I thought I was super strong in my commitment to chastity and sort of an “untouchable” if you will – if guys won’t even ask me out, then why would I worry about staying chaste? Yes, I had a few slip-ups in my teens and early twenties, but I’ve otherwise been chaste, at least in the physical way. I am now 30 years old.

However, I recently met a very sweet and very affectionate guy.  I started to become intrigued by him.  He is very much aware of how “Catholic” I am but suddenly, he started with the physical full force – hugging, holding hands, touching my knee. I liked it. I felt cherished. As a girl who had already decided that it was her fate to be single for the rest of her life it was so intoxicating and surprising to all of a sudden be swept up in this affection, especially by someone I really liked and felt safe and happy with!

But of course, I see now that the innocent affection was a warm-up – this guy planned to move fast.  He wanted to know about my sexual history pretty soon.  Within a couple of weeks, that chastity that came so “easy” for me came very close to being compromised, even after I told him that I planned to save sex for until after marriage (he still tried to push my boundaries).

We broke up mutually because it came clear to me that not only his approach but his attitude toward sex was fundamentally at odds with mine: I saw sex as something beautiful, powerful, a life-changing act that’s meant to cement life-long commitments, and something that puts women in an extremely vulnerable position; but he simply saw it as a good, up for exchange in a market, and something that both sexes could treat casually if they were being “responsible”.

I saw that sex for him was about satisfying a compulsion, not about truly loving someone: he valued the act of having sex over the individual that he would have it with. Therefore, even though he liked me a lot, I could see that it wasn’t enough to sacrifice his own compulsions.  And you know, marriage signifies a certain maturity for men too – and if a guy isn’t mature enough to be married, he will really grab at whatever he can get in the meantime.

I see this very clearly now, and I’m glad I was able to stick to my guns. But I’m left with the sadness because I wish I was a little bit more stronger, and didn’t kiss him that first week. I was just so flabbergasted by the situation, so swept along by the fact that someone attractive actually liked me and was brave enough to ask me out, that my rational commitment to chastity was almost bowled over. I was just so excited and hopeful that maybe it would was finally my turn.

Anyway, just writing to ask for your prayers. And to say that sexuality is so powerful – it can feel so right to be close to someone, especially someone who you already started to form intellectual/emotional bonds with. It’s good to stay vigilant because you can get bowled over at any time. This situation has really made me realize how vulnerable I am, and age doesn’t change that – it may even intensify it. If nothing else, it’s made me sadder and wiser. 

Thanks for your counter-cultural words – you’re truly a voice crying out in the wilderness. 

Lesson Learned

Dear Lesson Learned,

  I am so sorry that this happened to you.  Your observation and experience is spot on.  I did have a couple of these “ahhh, it is finally my turn!” dating experiences (that ended in break ups) and yes, they can be intoxicating. We women are vulnerable and need to stay vigilant.

  I would not be so hard on yourself because the important thing is that you were able to identify what was going on, stick to your guns and then extract yourself from the relationship.  Imagine how hard it would have been if you had sex with him! I am so proud of you! 

  With regard to your sadness for kissing him, again, I would not be so hard on yourself.  There are a variety of opinions about kissing and participating in the ‘warm up’ actions which lead to sex.  I am of the opinion that kissing is okay but that we have to be aware of how easily it leads to the warm up actions and then to sex.  Just because a guy is affectionate with us does not mean that he is going to marry us.  All that kissing leads us to think that it is heading in that direction. Vigilance is needed, yes indeed.

  What you said about him ‘just wanting to satisfy a compulsion’ is perfectly stated.  I saw the video below on the Chastity.com website of Marcus Guevara and it reminded me that if we women are firm in our expectations, the right man will wait.  He will find our commitment to Chastity beautiful. You can find Marcus via his website, Facebook and you can follow him on Twitter! Be sure to watch all 12 minutes to see how the story turns out! 

   Thank you for writing to me and sharing your wisdom about staying vigilant!  Be assured of my prayers. 

    God love you, Cindy

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!