Dear Cindy,

    I spend a lot of time with my girlfriend, Sandy, and her husband, Joe.  Joe has a friend, Tim, and it seems Sandy is trying to set us up.  I am not sure how I feel about Tim and I am not sure if it is a good idea to be thinking of him in terms of the future. I can’t tell if I am attracted to him or not. He has been sort of unclear about his interest in me but my friend says I should give him a chance and that he told her he was attracted to me.  

   He has not asked me out on a date and has not singled me out with a phone call. He does some things that would indicate interest like emailing and texting me.  And, he pays me very nice compliments.  Should I be doing anything to make things happen? Or, should I tell him to stop texting me so that I don’t get my hopes up with him?

Thank you! 

Unsure of What To Do

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Dear Unsure of What To Do,

As the female, I believe your job is to ‘do nothing.’  Ha.  Easier said than done.  It is very tempting to try to ‘help’ things along and make something happen when a guy is not taking the lead or acting on his feelings.  But, it may help to keep in mind that you do not need to control this situation.  Nor do you need to control this guy or tell him that he cannot text you anymore.  Most of what needs to be done is to, and here comes the hard part, control yourself.  Blah.

If Sandy asks if you are interested in him, just say the truth:  ‘I don’t have enough information to know.  If he asked me out on a date, I would go.’  Then, follow the three-date rule.  If he does take you on a date, demonstrate your ability to be discreet by not sharing anything with Sandy. Only divulge your feelings to Tim if he asks you.  Things can be rather tricky in this type of set up with friends-of-friends, so one way of maintaining your dignity if things do not work out is….discretion.

It is also interesting that Joe has elected to stay out of it.  This indicates to me that he is not convinced of Tim’s strong interest at this point. In general, I believe that a guy will think long and hard about starting to date a friend-of-a-friend because of the potential for feelings to get hurt if things don’t work out.  So, allow Tim to go through this process and do not push things one way or the other.  Again, do nothing.

I see that you are not sure if you are attracted to him.  This is not a problem for you to solve.  You don’t need to ‘try’ to be attracted to him.  Your attraction to him should be based on the information you obtain during the courting/dating process.

Also, you don’t need to figure out the end of the story.  You don’t have enough information yet.  It is Tim’s job to give you the information you need to consider him.  This is done through the dating process.  And, as of yet, as you said, he hasn’t done anything about it.  Why?  We may never know.  It could be ‘The Veil‘ in that he sees something in you that he is attracted to but God is protecting you for whatever reason.  It could be a timing thing and that God is doing a bunch of behind the scene work to prepare for the future.

But, none of this can be known at this point so you can only look at the information you have today:  He texts you and emails you and pays you nice compliments.  But, he has not initiated anything beyond a flirty friendship.

This is why I so sincerely believe in The Veil and why I encourage girls to let go of the calculating, controlling and figuring out.  Only God knows the future and this is our biggest faith walk with Him.

Living a life of Chastity, you have something beautiful and holy to offer a man.  Be steadfast in this belief about yourself.  Make the guy work for your affections.  The effort that a man exerts to obtain a girls affections confirms to him his level of interest in her.   Allow a man to go through this important process.

What can you do?  Smile that gorgeous smile of yours and free your mind of the calculating. I know you want to figure out if it is okay to put your affections toward Tim (I was quite a ‘calculator’ too) because you want to avoid looking foolish.  But, wisdom says to evaluate things as they are, not what they could be, and recognize that, frustratingly so, you have very little information at this point.

“God is the author of Reality, so it follows that if we live according to what is real, what is true, instead of the ideas and plans and fantasies and illusions we have in our heads, we will be much happier.”  The Evangelista

Here is what I recommend.  Smile at him and look him in the eye. Beyond that, let him do the work of courtship.  And, respond sweetly when he does.  That is it.

I know it is difficult when you cannot see the future.  I want to encourage you as I speak from way beyond the other side…..everything is going to be fine, my friend.  God’s got this!

God love and bless you! Cindy

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“Arise my beloved, my beautiful one, and come. For behold, the winter has passed…”

Song of Songs 2:10-11

Christmas can be painful for those waiting for Winter to pass.  If you feel sad or lonely, please know that you are not alone.  God is with you in the midst of your Winter.  Even Isaiah prophesied long before the birth of Jesus that God would come to be with us.  He did and is still with us today.

Emmanuel ~ God Is With Us

“Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Emmanuel.” Isaiah 7:14

********************Greeting*********************

Family can be both a source of healing and a reminder of your desire for your own family.  Here are some things that helped me during my Winter of singleness:

1.  Attending Christmas Eve Midnight Mass ~ So serene and filled with peace.  I remember looking up at the stars in the sky on the drive home.  Oh, Holy Night.

2.  Not isolating ~ Be around friends, both single friends and couple/family friends.  Jen writes about it beautifully here.

3.  Hope for the New Year ~  Yes, there is always hope.  I loved this post by Elynne at Ignitum Today.

4.  Conversing with our Savior ~  Tell Him everything that is on your heart.  Listen as He speaks His love to you.

If you are in the middle of your own Winter and need to vent, share or ask a question, please consider sending me an email.  I would love to provide some warmth to ease what can feel like a barren and cold Winter season.  

My message to you is this:  God is with you.  He is preparing the way.  What appears barren and cold is only to last for a season. Spring will come. 

*********************Music**********************

I liked cheesy music as a kid.  Even today, I like to play a certain song when we decorate our house.  Although Gregg and our son groan as soon as they hear this particular song, they humor me through it.  This is the song which reminds me of my childhood and always puts me in a good mood:

You see, the only album (yes album) I had as a tween was The Partridge Family Christmas Album.  I would play it and sing along pretending to play the tambourine.  Total dork, I know.  

**********************Photos*********************

Speaking of my childhood, these are my favorite photos:

I am the smallest one in front.

Yes, that is my hair which still has a mind of its own.

Merry Christmas to you, my sweet girls!  Love, Peace and Hope, Cindy

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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The Veil of Chastity is excited to interview fellow blogger, Amanda Mortus! Amanda has had a year filled with so many blessings. First, she published her first book in May, 2013. Then, she met and is now engaged to Anthony, the man of her dreams. Amanda announced her engagement on her blog, Worthy of Agape on Friday, December 6th.  Isn’t it amazing that exactly one year earlier, December 6, 2012, Amanda was my first guest blogger? Goes to show, in a New York minute, everything can change. Thank you, Amanda for taking time out from all the excitement to respond to my nosey interview questions!

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Congratulations on your recent engagement, Amanda!

TVOC:  Looking back on your relationship with Anthony, I am dying to know if you believe the concept of The Veil rings true for you in how things progressed? 

AM:  Absolutely! I realize that Anthony, even from very early on in our dating relationship, was and is able to understand me in a way no one else has ever been able to.

TVOC:  Did it seem as if God ‘lifted a veil’ and that Anthony was able to “see” you and all your beauty in a way that no other guy was able to?

AM:  Yes! Even when I’m feeling less than beautiful, Anthony sees my beauty and my heart and encourages me in ways that no other guys were able to.

TVOC:  Were you amazed at how quickly things progressed because things were just so ‘right’?

AM:  Certainly. We dated for about six weeks before he left the country for six weeks. Those six weeks apart were hard and we weren’t able to talk consistently, but even then our feelings grew. Looking back I can see how natural things have always been between us, so when he proposed after seven months of dating it didn’t seem fast at all!

TVOC:  Do you feel that God was in the center of this and arranging things or does it just seem like luck was on your side?

AM:  Undeniable God was on our side. There are so many stories I could tell of how we both know that God has truly made us for each other. There is no doubt in either of our minds that God had us in mind for each other. Our struggles, our passions, our joy lines up in far too many ways for it to be mere luck or coincidence. God has had and continues to have His hand in our relationship, guiding us towards Him.

TVOC:  When it came to your blog, you were completely silent with the arrival of Anthony in your life and the progression of the relationship. How in the world did you discipline yourself? What advice do you have for others on this?

AM:  I literally laughed out loud at this question! When it came to keeping silent about Anthony on the blog, it was really hard. We would talk about something and it would spark a blog post, but I wanted to keep him out of the blog. I found that I was able to write about what we discussed without including him in that. It was (and is) my hope that those blog posts stood on their own. I didn’t want the point of what I/we learned to get lost in the love story we were living. I disciplined myself by constant prayer about when and if I should blog about him. My advice for others is to be prudent with what you write. I kept him out of the blog for a number of reasons, but I wanted to make sure that we had a chance to let our relationship grow before we shared with the blogging world. I wouldn’t change that for a second.

TVOC:  Finally, here is the million dollar question: Did you “know” he was The One and if so, how did you know?

AM:  I wrote another guest post on my thoughts on “The One” and I still hold to that. The gist of what I wrote is that I’m not sure I believe in “The One” to begin with. There was someone before Anthony that I swore up and down was “The One” and, clearly, I was wrong. I think that I could have been happy with that other guy, but I know that Anthony is so much better for me, and I for him. Anthony and I agree that there are a number of people we could have been happy with, but God had us chosen for each other and we are the best fit. How did I know I wanted to marry him? There are a thousand different little reasons. He lets me go to communion first, and not just in Mass. He constantly pushes me towards God and never tries to pull me away from Him. He prays with me and for me. He listens to me. He’s wonderful with children. He is a man who is constantly striving for sainthood. He protects and guards my heart. Even when he knew he was going to propose (he’d known for three months by time he proposed!), he made sure that our conversations weren’t centered around marriage and continued to discern where we were/are called. He gets along with my family. He includes me in things he does and shares his heart with me. I could go on, but I think you get my point. I knew I wanted to marry him because of who he is, because of the goodness of his heart and his drive for sanctity. Secondary to who he is, I knew I wanted to marry him because of how he treats, loves, honors, respects, and cherishes me…and will someday love, honor, protect and care for our children.

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God Love and Bless You!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

I am pleased to introduce to you my guest blogger, Mary Beth Baker, who blogs over at Life in the Gap (check her out!). She gives us excellent insight and advice about friendships in this post.  Thank you, Mary Beth!

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To Have a Friend by Mary Beth Baker

I was a very lonely teenager. We were a transient military family, and picking up and moving every two or three years didn’t lend itself well to making lasting friends.

It all came to a head in tenth grade. We’d moved twice in the space of two years, and though I had many acquaintances, I had no real friends. It was the fall of 2001, and the country was reeling from the shock of 9/11, which was about to move my family yet again – this time to Arlington, Virginia. I hardly dared to hope that I’d make friends this time, but I took my fears and laid them at the feet of the Blessed Mother.

At the time it felt like a last-ditch act of desperation. In hindsight, I recognize the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit.

“Look here,” I said, directing my words at the placid face of a statue of Mary in the back of our parish church in New Jersey. “I’m lonely. I’m pathetic. I want friends, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I don’t have any. Could you please give me at least one close friend?”

Looking back over the dozen years in between, I’m overcome with Mary’s generosity in answering that prayer. I have had more wonderful friends –men and women – than I can possibly count, and now list a few amazing women among the dearest people in the world to me, aside from my family. But these manifold answers to my little prayer haven’t come without their challenges.

With my close girlfriends in particular, I have learned the truth of C.S. Lewis’ rather harsh words about people who “only want a friend”: “Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers” (The Four Loves).

The biggest hurdle for me in my relationships has always been a deep-seated need to be loved. My own insecurities transmogrify me into this hideous pit of need that threatens to suck the people around me completely dry – like those Progressive “rate-suckers” commercials, only so much less funny.

I think I speak for many single women in this: one of the biggest obstacles to maintaining solid friendships with other women is our own loneliness and our insecurity about being loved – or lovable. We chase romance as an ideal, often leaving our female friends in the dust, only to return when our romances fall to pieces.

We all have some experience of the “BFF,” the Anne of Green Gables-style “bosom friend,” the woman who will always be there for us, to hear our secrets, buoy up our hopes, assuage our hurts, and help us through our insecurities.  

Yet how often are these friendships really based on nothing more than our mutual desire to be loved? Women are relational creatures, and the mutual need for relationship can in fact be the starting-point for a wonderful friendship. But too often it ends there, giving rise to neediness – and a lot of needless pain when one or the other ends up in a romantic relationship that fills the need to be loved far better than a girlfriend ever could.

Our friendships with other women have to be based on more than a mutual desire for love, or else they aren’t real friendship. Mutual affection is very nice, but it’s not the same thing.

Gut check: If every coffee date with your girlfriends devolves into a who’s who of the dating scene, or a litany of romantic woes, or a soliloquy on the guy who’s just started texting you, then it might be time to inspect your friendship and see what it’s really “about.” These are good things to talk about with close girlfriends, but they shouldn’t make up the whole relationship.

Recall that after the heady, joyous days of girlish friendship, Anne and Diana devolved into a lot of anger and hurt, especially on Anne’s part, after Diana got engaged. Thankfully, they managed to heal, but it’s an old, painful story that many of us, especially those of us who are still single, know all too well.

At 27 and still quite single, I have been “left behind” by many girlfriends, who have started dating and eventually settled down into married life. It’s a terrible position to be in. On the one hand you’re delighted for your friend, but your heart breaks because you’re “losing” her in a very real sense, sometimes you’re jealous of her happiness, and it can feel like your whole support system has come crashing down around your ears.

Thankfully, the truest friends remain even after they enter a romantic relationship.* Some of my married friends have made it a point to keep our friendship alive, and I’m deeply grateful for that. Yet their marriages have required me to let go of the idol of “our friendship” in order to come to love them the way they deserve to be loved.

It can be an incredibly painful process, learning that friendship is about so much more than “having friends.” It requires letting go of your expectations and moving past your insecurities so you can really love The Other as other – and not as an extension of yourself  (think of girls who are glued at the hip) or a support for your times of need.

Friendship can’t be about “having friends” if it’s going to last. That’s what Our Lady has been teaching me bit by bit over the past 12 years. You have to die to yourself in order to be a true friend. The best friends recognize that their friendships aren’t strong because of what they get out of them, but because of what they’re willing to put in. They base their friendships, not in each other or in their longing for friends, but in Christ, the perfect Friend and the goal they’re both striving for.

Mary Beth Baker is a writer and editor in Northern Virginia. She blogs at Life in the Gap.

*To those women who are now happily dating, engaged or married, I make this plea: Don’t forget your single girlfriends. We want to celebrate with you, we’re intensely happy for you, but it’s difficult to share your excitement when you leave us behind. It takes a real effort on your part, but if you have close girlfriends, especially single ones, carve out space for them in your life. A periodic coffee or lunch date here or there, even a quiet afternoon in your home with your children, mean the world to us. 

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p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

Dear Cindy,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for your blog on chastity – what an important and weighty topic – one that is so incredibly important for both girls and guys.  I enjoy your blog and find your insight and encouragement helpful.  What a ministry you have – it’s wonderful.

I’d like to get your advice on this:  I’m single, mid-20’s and oftentimes I get caught up in “hypothetical” “what if” aspect of life regarding the future (husband, kids, family), and I end up worried, anxious and depressed.  I tend to leave the “reality” of life by the wayside because I’m living in denial.  It’s hard for me to get a grip on the disappointments and hardships of life.  I do have anxiety and worry a lot and I’m looking to find more enjoyment in life.  Someday I hope to become a wife and mother, and I’m looking for input on how I can just “sit back and enjoy” life for what it’s worth, rather than stressing and worrying about the future, hence getting caught up in the hypothetical and not so much the real.  Thank you in advance for your help.  I appreciate it.

God bless you and your family!

Daydreaming Girl

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Dear Daydreaming Girl,

Thank you so much for your sweet note! As I was reading it, I went into instant recall mode because I was reallllllly bad about daydreaming when I was single.  I had my body under control but it was difficult for me to get my mind and thought life under control. This sacred scripture pertaining to peace of mind was my constant plea:

“…Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus…” 

Philippians 4:6-7

I also lived in denial a little bit.  Because I was single for so long, I dealt with the pain by turning inward.  It is hard to explain but I think it was for self-protection.  It was like I had this wound and life kept pouring salt into it.  So, I did what I only knew to do at the time.  I went into self-protection mode.

It took me a while, even after I was married, to unlock my heart and open myself up to ‘reality’.  I am still trying to allow God to heal this aspect of my life. I have to make a specific effort to open my heart (to God and even to Gregg).

I want to encourage you to know that God is aware of your situation. You are not going to be perfect in how you handle your wounds, pain and disappointment.  It will leave its effect on you.  So, what can you do?

The answer is always Christ.  My latest post, A Sacramental Life in Christ, outlines all the opportunities we have to receive God’s grace. 

If you are doing all those things, then what you have left is to put your thought life on the altar as a sacrifice.  Some will fast with food but you can fast with your thought life.  Every time you find yourself wondering off into fantasy land, stop and offer it to God.  Then, trust that God will know what to do with your offer.  This is a very powerful act of love and trust on your part.  Don’t underestimate the significance of your offer to your Beloved.

Stay aware of your heart.  It is so easy to turn inward to protect ourselves.  If you find yourself doing this, try to mentally picture yourself opening your heart up to God.  During Eucharistic Adoration, picture your heart in your hands and extend your hands to your Savior, reciting this prayer:

“Father, I offer to you this day all my thoughts, words, and actions, all my sufferings and disappointments, and all my joys. And I unite my life with that of your beloved Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.”      Morning Offering ~ Wednesday

Finally, I want to share with you that God actually used this bad habit of mine (day dreaming) in a good way.  I realized that once I met Gregg, the day dreaming stopped.  I started living in reality right away (although my heart was still locked up).  You see, the other guys that I dated left room for my day dreaming because of what was lacking (assurance of their love and commitment).  The reality of what Gregg was offering me actually was beyond all my day dreams.  I did not have to fill in the gaps because there were no gaps.  This was a sign to me that I was with the right man.

I have no idea if my Veil theory is true.  It is just a theory.  But, I truly believe that I was covered by something like a spiritual veil and that those other guys I dated could not see me.  And, this led to gaps in their love and commitment.  Maybe if I had understood this, I would not have gone into protective mode and locked up my heart.  If I would have known that I could trust God with my life no matter what the outcome, then maybe I would have been able to offer up my habit of day dreaming and He could have used it for good.

I am living proof of how patient and understanding our Father is.

To wrap up, here are my recommendations for you:

1.  Live a Sacramental Life in Christ.

2.  Offer up your habit of Daydreaming as a sacrifice.

3.  Place your heart in the hands of your Savior, asking Him to protect it so that you don’t have to lock it away.

4.  Know that you are human and that you will not deal with wounds, hurt and disappointment perfectly.  But, God knows how to deal with them.

5.  Trust that ‘you will know‘ when you are with the right man.  The daydreaming will cease and you will not want to ever leave the reality of your life.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!