I really enjoy receiving your letters because when I see your name and read about your life it makes this whole blog thing come alive. You sweet girls become real to me and I begin to care deeply about you. That is why it is not easy when I have to tell you things you do not want to hear. I do not like to hurt other’s feelings because I know what it feels like to have your feelings hurt. You get that big lump in your throat and your eyes fill with tears. You think to yourself, “She doesn’t understand.” Ugh, it does not feel good.
The reason I tell you these difficult things is because I have walked in your shoes. I have made your mistakes. I have felt your disappointments. And, I wish, despite having my feelings hurt, someone would have told me these things.
The difficult truth I want to identify in this post is: Fantasy Relationships are not Healthy
Many men will flirt with you and pay attention to you. They may text you or tweet with you. They may stand close to you at parties and make you swoon. They may even call you on the phone. But, these are flirtations and flirtations are not dates. Nor are they marriage proposals. The danger is that they can easily turn into fantasy relationships.
A man who is potentially The One for you will take you on dates (Ice Cream, County Fair, Boardwalk, Movies, walk your dog). Real dates. Where the two of you are alone. Where he can show you off to the world. Where he can impress you with his manners and open doors for you. Where he pays and takes a risk by asking you out formally. Everything else is a flirtation; a fantasy relationship. It does not count. As Gregg says, “Anything else is the Lazy Man’s approach!”
The notes I get from you tell me that you are spending an awful lot of time and energy wondering if these flirtations count. And, I have to tell you that they do not count. But by the time I get your emails, most you are already attached to and fantasizing about Mr. Lazy Man. Maybe you have paired your first name with his last name…..Suzie Man. Sound familiar?
Normal, Totally Normal
Look, I am not making fun of you. I want you to know that your desire to be loved, cherished and happily married is Normal and Healthy. And, if you are over the age of 20, your hormones are raging and this fact contributes to your drive to be loved, cherished and married. Hormones are not just a guy thing. They are there for a reason and are healthy.
But, your low expectations are not healthy. I am so saddened when I get a note from a girl who is attached to a guy who has not even taken her out on a real date. Please, please raise your expectations.
Here is the advice I have been giving privately: Do not even consider a guy or allow him to occupy your heart or thoughts until he has taken you on 3 dates. Yes, 3 real dates where he pays and impresses you. Why? I will answer that next week. But, basically because that gives the guy enough time to decide on you. And, if he has decided on you, then you can consider him. But, not until then. That is just the way it works. Sigh.
I was the same way when I was young. It seemed that any amount of attention from a guy would do. I could pick from a myriad of stories to share about guys in my life who were flirtation experts. There was this one guy who flirted with me big time. Everyone saw it and recognized that this guy had a thing for me. He would call me and ask if I was going to attend a certain party and then let me know that he would be there too. I responded positively to this information leaving him little room to wonder if I was interested in him. He even bought me a Christmas present once (now hanging on our bathroom wall ~ LOL). He would look intently at me and stand close to me at parties. But, he never asked me out on a date. Never.
Did I think about him too much? Yes. Did I wonder if he was The One? Yes. Did I pair my first name with his last name? Maaaaybe. And, did I respond with Shock when he married the very next girl who he actually took on dates? Yes. Ugh.
So, I am guilty too and I understand how easy it is to fall into a fantasy relationship with Mr. Lazy Man. But, looking back, I realize that he was not really being lazy. Instead, I believe he (and all those other flirtation experts) saw something in me that they really liked but held back due to The Veil. If you were to shoot them up with truth serum they most likely would not be able to pinpoint their reason for holding back. As I said last week, love and attraction are a mystery. It cannot be explained.
I am certain that this same thing is happening to you if you have committed to Chastity. The guys who are flirting with you really do see something they like but they are being held back from pursuing you. Therefore, please don’t feel rejected but instead realize that you are being protected. The one that God has for you will follow through. He will take you on dates and pursue you and marry you. He will make you feel amazing.
Why Does It Happen?
You might wonder why you are so vulnerable to having fantasy relationships and how you can avoid falling into this unhealthy state. Why do these guys have such an incredible power over you? Please come back next week and we will talk about a very important aspect of the single life: Emotional Chastity
God love and bless you!
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