I really enjoy receiving your letters because when I see your name and read about your life it makes this whole blog thing come alive.  You sweet girls become real to me and I begin to care deeply about you.  That is why it is not easy when I have to tell you things you do not want to hear.  I do not like to hurt other’s feelings because I know what it feels like to have your feelings hurt.  You get that big lump in your throat and your eyes fill with tears.  You think to  yourself, “She doesn’t understand.”  Ugh, it does not feel good.

The reason I tell you these difficult things is because I have walked in your shoes.  I have made your mistakes.  I have felt your disappointments.  And, I wish, despite having my feelings hurt, someone would have told me these things. 

The difficult truth I want to identify in this post is:  Fantasy Relationships are not Healthy

Flirtations Are Not Dates

Many men will flirt with you and pay attention to you. They may text you or tweet with you.  They may stand close to you at parties and make you swoon.  They may even call you on the phone.  But, these are flirtations and flirtations are not dates.  Nor are they marriage proposals.  The danger is that they can easily turn into fantasy relationships.

A man who is potentially The One for you will take you on dates (Ice Cream, County Fair, Boardwalk, Movies, walk your dog).  Real dates.  Where the two of you are alone.  Where he can show you off to the world.  Where he can impress you with his manners and open doors for you.  Where he pays and takes a risk by asking you out formally.  Everything else is a flirtation; a fantasy relationship.  It does not count.  As Gregg says, “Anything else is the Lazy Man’s approach!”

The notes I get from you tell me that you are spending an awful lot of time and energy wondering if these flirtations count.  And, I have to tell you that they do not count.  But by the time I get your emails, most you are already attached to and fantasizing about Mr. Lazy Man.  Maybe you have paired your first name with his last name…..Suzie Man. Sound familiar? 

Normal, Totally Normal

Look, I am not making fun of you.  I want you to know that your desire to be loved, cherished and happily married is Normal and Healthy.  And, if you are over the age of 20, your hormones are raging and this fact contributes to your drive to be loved, cherished and married.  Hormones are not just a guy thing. They are there for a reason and are healthy.

Not Healthy

But, your low expectations are not healthy.  I am so saddened when I get a note from a girl who is attached to a guy who has not even taken her out on a real date.  Please, please raise your expectations. 

3 Dates

Here is the advice I have been giving privately:  Do not even consider a guy or allow him to occupy your heart or thoughts until he has taken you on 3 dates.  Yes, 3 real dates where he pays and impresses you.  Why?  I will answer that next week.  But, basically because that gives the guy enough time to decide on you.  And, if he has decided on you, then you can consider him.  But, not until then.  That is just the way it works.  Sigh.

Guilty

I was the same way when I was young.  It seemed that any amount of attention from a guy would do. I could pick from a myriad of stories to share about guys in my life who were flirtation experts.  There was this one guy who flirted with me big time.  Everyone saw it and recognized that this guy had a thing for me.  He would call me and ask if I was going to attend a certain party and then let me know that he would be there too.  I responded positively to this information leaving him little room to wonder if I was interested in him.  He even bought me a Christmas present once (now hanging on our bathroom wall ~  LOL).  He would look intently at me and stand close to me at parties.  But, he never asked me out on a date.  Never.

Did I think about him too much?  Yes. Did I wonder if he was The One?  Yes.  Did I pair my first name with his last name?  Maaaaybe.  And, did I respond with Shock when he married the very next girl who he actually took on dates?  Yes.  Ugh.

The Veil

So, I am guilty too and I understand how easy it is to fall into a fantasy relationship with Mr. Lazy Man.  But, looking back, I realize that he was not really being lazy.  Instead, I believe he (and all those other flirtation experts) saw something in me that they really liked but held back due to The Veil.  If you were to shoot them up with truth serum they most likely would not be able to pinpoint their reason for holding back.  As I said last week, love and attraction are a mystery.  It cannot be explained.

I am certain that this same thing is happening to you if you have committed to Chastity.  The guys who are flirting with you really do see something they like but they are being held back from pursuing you.  Therefore, please don’t feel rejected but instead realize that you are being protected.  The one that God has for you will follow through.  He will take you on dates and pursue you and marry you.  He will make you feel amazing.

Why Does It Happen?

You might wonder why you are so vulnerable to having fantasy relationships and how you can avoid falling into this unhealthy state.  Why do these guys have such an incredible power over you?  Please come back next week and we will talk about a very important aspect of the single life:  Emotional Chastity

God love and bless you!

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Last week I opened with my two favorite scenes from the movie Sense and Sensibility.  It always gets me when Elinor Dashwood tells Marianne, “at least you can be certain he (Willoughby) loved you.” and Marianne replies, “But not enough.  Not enough.”  Willoughby was Marianne’s Mr. Almost Right.  He loved her, but not enough.

In last week’s post, I started to tell the story of Fred, one of my Mr. Almost Rights.  I promised to share the rest of the story, namely the external details of what happened, this week.  Next week, I will share with you some of the internal details that went on inside of me with the hope that it will help you identify if you are with Mr. Almost Right.

Mr. Almost Right ~ Continued

“…Fred was telling all his friends about me, introducing me to them, calling me daily, spending lots of time with me, planning our future and doing all the things that a guy does when he is interested in a girl. Yes, words of love were spoken. It felt really almost right.  Almost…..”

After about eight months of dating, Fred’s military job transferred him instead to another state and so we were forced to date long-distance. We continued in our commitment to chastity. However, there came a point where he started asking me when I was going to move to this other state.  We were not married nor were we even engaged, yet he was pressuring me to move. It just was not something I was willing to do before marriage.

It was frustrating because Fred would propose to me on almost a daily basis and he was mailing me designs of ‘our’ new home asking me questions like, “Do you want a Hibachi grill in the kitchen?”  I was thinking (but never told him), “What?  How can I even begin to think about Hibachi grills when I don’t even know if we have a future?”  So, he was doing these things but he never asked my Father for my hand in marriage, he never presented me with an engagement ring nor would he suggest we set a wedding date with the church.

In his (lame) defense, he was going through intense military flight training and he kind of used that as an excuse for our delayed engagement.  I knew deep down that plenty of military guys were able to get engaged/married and go through flight training at the same time.  So, I felt like that was a flimsy reason to delay our engagement.  As Marianne stated in her reply about Willoughby, our engagement “was everyday implied but never declared.”

When I would ask him if he had checked into becoming Catholic, he would just start quizzing me about evolution and challenging me with Darwin-laced questions.  He was an intellectual doubter, God bless his soul.  In the end, we had an argument one night during a long-distant phone call which ended abruptly.  Things ended and we never spoke again.

People thought I was crazy and the “you’re too picky and stubborn” accusations were silently and sometimes verbally communicated.  I was thirty-two years old. They wondered, “What was wrong with him?” And, “Did I expect perfection?”  I am not sure what I expected but I knew what I had hoped for.  My heart hoped for marriage to a man who shares my Catholic faith and does not try to wrestle me into submission without first making the necessary sacrifices and commitment.

In this post from September 2012, I wrote the following:

“…Listen my sweet girls, when a man loves a woman, I mean really loves her, the location becomes a non-factor.  The guy just wants to be with his beloved.  He makes arrangements for them to be together.  He is accommodating to her wants and desires and longs for her happiness with him.  In short, he wants to marry her.  If temporary separation is required due to military assignments, school or a job, he leaves her with specific reassurance of his intentions for marriage with a timeline.  These are the actions of a man (really) in love…”

        And this post from October 2012:

“…As the girl, this will be the symptom to look out for:  you complain and/or act and feel frustrated.  Then, in response to your complaints and frustration, he pulls back instead of addressing your complaint in a way that will completely reassure you.  You see, even your Holy Spouse (the one that God intends for you to marry) will not be perfect in his wooing.  But, once a Holy Spouse realizes his mistake, he self-corrects and does things that will reassure his beloved.  Your Holy Spouse’s feelings for you should very rarely ebb. Rather, they flow and they grow.  Even if he does have a smidgen of doubt, he keeps it to himself in order not to lose you.”

Sacrifice, commitment, reassurance, certitude, timeline, marriage.

Do I believe that Fred loved me?  Yes.  But not enough.  Not enough.

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. Or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no! It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken”.

William Shakespeare Sonnet 116

Next Week:  What was going on with me internally during all this?

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

I have two favorite scenes in the movie Sense and Sensibility. My first favorite scene is when Marianne finds out that Willoughby rejected her and instead married Miss Grey and the following heart-wrenching exchange takes place:

Elinor Dashwood: “Did he tell you he loved you?”

Marianne: “Yes… no. Never absolutely. It was everyday implied but never declared.”

The second scene that I love is when Elinor breaks the news to Marianne that the reason Willoughby married Miss Grey was for her money:

Elinor Dashwood: “Whatever his past actions, whatever his present course… at least you may be certain that he loved you.”

Marianne: “But not enough. Not enough.”

Willoughby was Marianne’s Mr. Almost Right. I have more Mr. Almost Rights than Mr. Wrongs in my dating history. Mr. Almost Right is a tricky kind of guy because he often displays a tremendous amount of interest and affection. But, as I explained last week, with Mr. Almost Right, the movement toward marriage is in question. He likes you but he acts as if something is keeping him from committing to ‘till death do you part.’ The certitude is missing and there is a general lack of peace. It is so close to being right but it is as if something is preventing the relationship from developing into marriage.

Before you get too excited about Mr. Almost Right and throw all caution to the wind like Marianne, please keep this in mind: just because something looks better than anything you have experienced before, does not mean that it is God’s will. It could be a test. Chastity will enable you to keep your head on straight and empower you to pass the test.

Mr. Almost Right circa 1996

About 5 years before I met my husband, I dated this guy whom I met through work. I am going to share this story as a way of showing that even though something may look like it is God’s will, there are key factors to look out for.

So, this guy, let’s call him Fred, saw me in the copy room one day at work and asked me if anyone had ever told me that I look like Vivien Leigh. I did not know who she was. But it is funny that even this level of obtuseness on my part did not stop him from pursuing me. He said, “You know, the girl in Gone With The Wind?” Oh, a compliment from a cute guy. Okay, this is nice. So, we introduced ourselves and I went on my merry way.

Then one day I accidentally left a very special ring in the Ladies’ room which my Mom had given to me. Another girl found it and put a note on the mirror with the room number to the office where I could find the ring. The room was in a secured area and when I knocked on the door, who do you suppose answered? Yes, it was Fred!

So, I told him about my ring and he said, “Is it a wedding ring?” Somewhat taken aback but smiling, I said, “No, but it is an important ring.” He said, “So, you are not married?” Smiling, I said, “No.” And, he said, “I would like to take you out on a date if you are interested.” I said with a sweet smile, “Yes, I would like that. May I please have my ring now?”

I was interested in Fred and he was what I considered to be a catch. He was a military officer and had even flown sorties in the first Gulf War. He was blonde, blue-eyed and cute! But, the big hurdle for me was that he was not Catholic. He had never even been baptized. It is sad because I remember the first time I met his Mom, an atheist, and he told her that he had gone to Mass with me. The look of distasteful shock on her face is something I could not forget.

He loved the fact that I was Catholic and was very clear that this was a big attraction for him. And the chastity thing really intrigued him. During our courtship, he revealed that he would like to become Catholic. Yay!

Most everything felt right and somewhat providential. I wondered, “Could he be the one?” It seemed as if God was aligning things up perfectly! For example, our jobs were transferring that year to an area where Fred just so happened to already own a beautiful home on several acres of land. And, he was telling all his friends about me, introducing me to them, calling me daily, spending lots of time with me, planning our future and doing all the things that a guy does when he is interested in a girl. Yes, words of love were spoken. It felt really almost right. Almost.

To be continued…..

Come back next week to find out what happened! God love and bless you!

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It is my belief that if you even are asking the question, “Is he the one?” then he is, unfortunately, not the one.  I draw this conclusion as a result of hindsight from my own past relationships and from what I have observed in other people’s relationships. 

Certainty Is A Sign

Certainty is a big green light from God.  It is a gift from Him that He wants to give us.  He wants us to know His will.  Why would He make us struggle with such an important question like our vocation and our spouse?  He doesn’t.  The struggle is instead manufactured by us humans. 

Men manufacture this struggle when they present excuses for not being certain about the girl they are dating. Women manufacture this struggle when they make excuses for a guy who is either Mr. Wrong or Mr. Almost Right. 

Mr. Wrong

You know what I am referring to, right?  His words and his action do not match.  He sees you every once in a while rather than consistently making you part of his life.  He texts you rather than calls you to hear your voice.  He leaves you guessing about the future (even the near future).  And you, patient you, are hoping that, given time, the relationship will blossom into something serious.

He likes you but he is biding his time in the hopes of finding the girl of his dreams.  Sadly, you are not his dream girl.

Mr. Almost Right

Now, there are some guys who are pretty good at the pursuit role.  They say and do almost all the right things.  Almost.  The key to figuring them out is their lack of moving the relationship forward in a timely manner.  They are content with “dating.”  Marriage is not even on the radar and if there is a marriage blip on the radar screen, it is distant and small.  This is not a good sign.  The one that God has for you will want to move things forward to marriage quickly. 

Again, Mr. Almost Right likes you but he is biding his time in the hopes of finding the girl of his dreams.  Sadly, you are not his dream girl.

The Veil

Keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you.  You are covered by a veil which protects you from Mr. Wrong and Mr. Almost Right.  However, the one that God has for you is the only guy that will be able to see you.  You will be his dream girl.  So, don’t allow yourself to stay in these wrong relationships.  Just move on. If he happens to be the one, he will quickly change when you tell him you are moving on.  He will not want to lose you and he will move things forward toward marriage.

Chastity

Emotional and physical Chastity will weed out every guy except for the one that God has for you.  Guaranteed. 

What Staying Will Do

Staying in a dating relationship with Mr. Wrong or Mr. Almost Right will lead you to feel bad about yourself.  You will be tempted to compromise on your rightful  desire to be pursued.  You will start to believe and act as if you are not worthy of a real pursuit.  You will start to fantasize about Mr. Wrong and your future together. But the fantasy will be better than the reality he is showing you.  And, you will most likely be tempted to start chasing him.

Again, his wishy-washy behavior will lead you to feel bad about yourself and the more you allow it the less you will be able to respond to the one that God has for you in a positive, confident, happy and appreciative manner.

It Will Be Obvious

The difference between ‘the one’ and ‘not the one’ is not a fine line that you need a magnifying glass to ponder over and analyze.  Instead, it will be extremely and blatantly obvious! If you are even asking the question “Is he the one?” then you know that he is not.

But, But, But

I can hear your objections to my radical and one- size-fits-all analysis of your situation and special circumstance which keeps your guy from marrying you and making you feel loved and cherished.  Believe me, I know it is hard to accept.  Please feel free to continue to write to me so we can talk about your situation.  I promise I am more compassionate than I may seem. 🙂 Over the next couple of weeks, I will share more insights on why “He is not the one.”

What I have found is that the old adage “you will know” is so true.  In a couple of weeks, I will help you answer the question “How will I know?”

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like”my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Thank you!