In my post from four weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:
- Stop sleeping with him.
- Stop chasing him.
- Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
- Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.
This week, I will address #4: Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation.
Lame and inconsistent chasing by men is a symptom. I recommend women pay attention to this key symptom because it is often a result of a need of his being met. You, wonderful you, are fulfilling some or many of his needs and he is under the impression that you are happy to fulfill these needs.
These needs can be physical, emotional or social needs. Or, it can be simply that you build up his ego by your strong interest in him. Your chasing, responding and flirtation are making him feel great! But, it also makes him feel sort of guilty knowing that he doesn’t have the same strong feelings for you or the same vision of your future together dancing in his head. So, he waxes and wanes in his approach. He runs hot and cold. His initiation is lame and inconsistent.
Have you ever heard of the term practice girl? Sometimes, not always, guys like to practice on girls who will let them. They practice their skills in asking a girl out, calling girls, kissing girls, etcetera (yes, etcetera!). But, the guys know deep down that they are just practicing for the big game (marriage) rather than sincerely pursuing these practice girls. So, they manage the situation by pushing the emotional boundaries and then pulling back so that the girl’s expectations remain low and in check.
In the meantime, his needs are being met. His skills are being developed and his confidence in himself is growing. And, because the girl continues to respond to the lame and inconsistent initiation, he doesn’t feel all that guilty about it….until the girl complains or acts and feels frustrated.
How Will You Know?
As the girl, this will be the symptom to look out for: you complain and/or act and feel frustrated. Then, in response to your complaints and frustration, he pulls back instead of addressing your complaint in a way that will completely reassure you.
You see, even your Holy Spouse (the one that God intends for you to marry) will not be perfect in his wooing. But, once a Holy Spouse realizes his mistake, he self-corrects and does things that will reassure his beloved. Your Holy Spouse’s feelings for you should very rarely ebb. Rather, they flow and they grow. Even if he does have a smidgen of doubt, he keeps it to himself in order not to lose you.
But, when you are his practice girl, his feelings will ebb and in response, he will pull back. So, don’t listen to his words, pay attention to his actions. Here is a refresher from my past post on genuine, courageous, reassuring chasing:
“Chasing means he tries to draw you into his life. He makes plans with you. He calls you daily just to hear your voice and make sure you don’t forget about him. He sees you as a marvelous mystery so he spends his time and energy trying to figure you out and get closer to you. He envisions a future with you and this, my friend, excites him!”
Are you being loved, cherished, chased and pursued in an impressive and consistent manner? If not, you may just be a practice girl. Sigh.
What Should You Do?
Keep in mind that I think men are awesome, competent and brave when it comes to pursuing the one they want to make their wife. So, I am not saying that men are bad, bad, bad if they practice on girls. But, they are wrong to do so. And, we are wrong to allow them to practice on us. It is incumbent upon us women to discern the man’s intentions by astutely paying attention to his actions. Women have had to do this from the beginning of time.
Of course there are times when the relationship runs its course and the guy decides, after many years, to marry Practice Girl. He marries her because no other girl (with whom he has true interest) will have him. So, after much frustration, complaining and cajoling by her, they get married. I say without a doubt that Practice Girl will have a tough row to hoe. This is not what you want.
If you discover that you are a practice girl, then all you need to do is stop responding. Stop responding to phone calls and texts. If he asks you out on a date, simply smile and say “No, thank you.” The romance will die a natural death and you will have your dignity intact.
Be prepared to battle doubts that make you feel like your expectations are too high and that you have been too hard on him. As Katie from It’s Fun To Be a Girl says, “immerse yourself in the Sacraments.” You will need the strength and grace that only the Sacraments can give you.
If you have been sleeping with him, the sex will result in strong feelings of attachment and this will make it hard for you to judge the romance clearly.
But, try to keep in mind that his lame and inconsistent approach to your romance has led you to believe that you are his practice girl. And, in response to your complaints and frustration, he has failed to convince you otherwise with impressive and consistent actions. There are not many feelings worse than that.
You may be wondering why he pursues you at all if his intentions are not on the up and up? Well, I believe that in addition to having his needs met, he also likes what he sees in you. But he can’t fully see you. I believe that we are all covered by a veil and only the one that God intends for us to marry, our Holy Spouse, can see us fully.
So, his insincere intentions may be completely subconscious rather than openly sinister. And, your temptation to continue on as Practice Girl, although it is not healthy, is understandable. But, only through the power of grace and chastity will you have the wisdom and strength to discern the quality of the romance and overcome the temptation to be a practice girl.
Don’t waste your time. Instead, trust that God has a more dignified role for you; the honorable role as a wife to your Holy Spouse. Trust that God wants you to be loved, cherished, chased and pursued by your Holy Spouse. Commit to Chastity. Wait on your Holy Spouse. Wait on our dear Lord.
If you are having doubts that God intervenes in our lives when it comes to marriage, check in next week when I share the beautiful Old Testament story of Tobias and Sarah!
Fantastic Article! Articulate and Right on Point!!!
This was exactly what I needed to read. I have realized sadly that I am the practice girl, and I know that God wants more for me. Thank you for your post it truly uplifted my sunken spirit.
Thank you for your comment, Amy. Most of us have fell into the practice girl trap and yes, God wants more. 🙂 Please write to me anytime! Cindy Theveilofchastity@gmail.com
I hate this so much about men. It’s so hurtful. I get the game and I get that you have to pay attention to a mans actions, but it gets so exhausting. I get that some women do this too but it is definitely more prominent with men. Don’t use women to make your ego feel better. We are people with hearts and emotions. Not just something for you to lead on and toy with. I wish men would learn to have a little bit more empathy when it comes to dating women. If you’re not into a girl leave her the hell alone!
Reblogged this on njspeaksblog.
This was an amazing write! I will definitely remember these things through my Adventures of finding love. (And not chasing) I feel like I was right all along and I just needed someone to agree with me. Touching!
I have been searching the internet for do many articles to help me understand why my guy tuns hot and cold, fisysnt but yet days he loves me. Says he can’t give me his all now only 80% and not the 110% he wants. Starting off chasing me. Calls, texts, visiting me. But never introducing me to family and friends. Iread all the articles saying the same stuff. Give Jim space, don’t chase, blah blah blah. But when I resdbur series of articles I was blown away. You mentioned to STOP sleeping with him. None of the articles mentioned this or were on a spiritual level. I’m going to pray about my demon of lust and pray to cut the powerful soul tie I have from him. Feeling his pain, his confusion. Etc. That should be reserved for my husband. God led me to this article on my quest to find out the issues with my ” situation ship”—— C
This has been the truest thing i have ever read and i needed to read this harsh reality
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God in His divine wisdom guided me to your blog today. Just last night I fully surrendered my emotional and spiritual hold on a man I believe I love and had hoped and prayed he would somefay soon be my husband. But earlier I made the ill-fated decision to bond with him and created a painful soul-tie. He withdrew from me and reduced what had appeared to be a divine connwction into a daily “good morning” text. No conversation. Heart-broken I decided to let go. No more responding to the daily crumbs. I know I deserve better. Please add me to your prayer list for restoration of the relationship or that God completely heals me, I can forgive myself and God will allow the “right” man to “see and pursue” me. May God bless you. Amen
Thank you so much for your wonderful articles. It sheds a whole new light on the things I’ve been going through too. It explains so many things. God is in control and I’m letting go and letting God
That is wonderful, Renee! I have added you to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list and I will be praying for you. Email me anytime @ email@example.com
God bless, Cindy
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wow wow! this is quite a piece that i have been missing out on…hope every gal gets to come across it.
Beautiful post so dignifying
this is so empowering! i know this, but sometimes find it hard to control the urge of that instantaneous pleasure. thank you!
I am so happy that this helped you. I have added you to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list and will be praying for you. Reach out to me at any time firstname.lastname@example.org Blessings, Cindy
I just wanted to say with honesty from my heart – thank you so much for these articles you have written. You are very smart! I have been reading and reading on the internet about why a guy doesn’t answer my texts/calls/emails etc. My heart has been cut into pieces so many times. I am still recovering from so many broken dreams. I have also been wondering why I am still with this guy who seem to be interested, but doesn’t make bigger moves than that. You have cleared up things in my life that I was dealing about for years and years. Now I know I will not practice sex or chase men. The one who sincerely wants me gives it full in. I have done mistakes that have made my dignity worse. But it have ended.
Thank you thank you thank you! Your articles have changed my life and it feels RIGHT. I will go this way no matter what. I wish I could just hug you, that is how much I respect you. This makes me actually crying, with happiness and HOPE.
With true love /Sweden
I wish I could give you a hug, Helena! I have added you to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list and will be praying for you. Write to me anytime! Love, Cindy email@example.com
this is one of the best blogs on the world wide web. I truly appreciate you for sharing your wisdom with me and the rest of the world! It has helped me a great deal!!!! 🙂
Glory to God! Thank you Tasha! Praying for you, Cindy
I needed to read this! Sometimes, we go thru things and already know the answers, but need a jump start in our brains for it to be spelled out by someone else. Thank you!
Bless you, Monet! Praying for you, Cindy
And some men are just practice men!
Also, my grandmother, after not hearing from my grandfather over a period she deemed unacceptable, sent him a telegram in 1940, “Dead? Or just indifferent?” They married a while later and their more than 60 years of marriage was my model of what love should be. If that veil gets lifted, don’t let the person go easily. We have the free will to screw things up, and either party can mess things up.
oh that is a great story!! 🙂 Thank you for sharing it, Ed!
One word of caution though. As a man who has dated a bunch, not (usually) to find “practice girl” (that felt wrong to me), I have, a few times, met the person that I initially thought might be the one. The fear of screwing that up is terrifying and has led to me walking around with a “shields up” mentality that makes me very deliberately not try to commit or come on too strong as I try to gauge the other person and my own feelings. Once, I did not do this, and it was very bad. It worked out ok in the end with a very amicable breakup, but since then I have tried to proceed with caution. This has resulted in some wonderful friendships with girls that weren’t “the one” that I am blessed to have. If you are wondering a good way to differentiate between someone who is doing that and someone who is using you as a practice girl or something, just ask the guy, flat out, “are you or might you be in love with me? I dont want to waste my time if you’re not.” If you aren’t sleeping with him and have made it clear that you aren’t going to until marriage, you should get an honest answer. If you are sleeping with him or if he thinks that might be in the cards, he may have a confusing emotional investment in you that doesn’t equate to matrimonious love, but that seems very real to him. If you ask that question, and the answer is no, the relationship will end romantically right there or soon after. If it is ‘yes’, and he has just been being overly circumspect and respectful of the possibility that you might not want him, you will be so glad that you asked. Most of the most unselfish guys I know act this way with women, both to protect themselves from rejection—or worse, from having to reject the other person—and to protect the girl in case they end up deciding that she isn’t the one. I myself have had my hopes shattered and have shattered people’s hopes, and I have seen so many of my friends get burned, I don’t want to burn someone else while I try to figure things out.
I don’t know if this is the best advice or the worst or what, but it is my perspective for what that is worth. All I want is to be a good husband and father someday, and I am only looking for one girl. I don’t want to scare her off, and I would hate to make someone else’s life or marriage worse or more challenging by adding baggage to it.
After reading some of your blog this evening some of my thoughts on the topics you discuss (the ones that don’t align aith my current thinking) may be changing; they seem possibly very wise and true, and bear pondering.
Thank you so much for your comment and sharing your insight. As I was reading it aloud to Gregg, he was confirming all that you are saying. Especially the part about the fear of scaring a girl off. He does believe, however, that time and age gave him the courage he needed to take that risk and he is glad that he took the chance with me. I am thankful he did!! God bless you and please feel free to comment or email us anytime! Cindy
Time and age are important, yes. However, some men are simply bad at asking women out. To many Single Catholic Men, the issue isn’t over wanting to sleep with women, chase them about in some fashion, or anything: many simply haven’t actually dated or courted (folks may use the term they prefer) any or many women into their latter thirties or beyond, living in between a majority culture that doesn’t respect their celibacy and a counter-culture that expect them to make all the initial moves despite their lack of knowledge (there’s the false assumption that chaste men are all either reformed from a lack of chastity or else taught from an early age in the Secret Rules of Catholic Husbandry by those with successful marriages). To place the caveat that a bad first impression is a divine marker of it not being ever meant to be, when that man is actually trying to communicate his intentions as best he’s able to? That seems both terrible charitable and liable to only continue the slide in Catholic marriages (I’m here only covering *some* situations, lest anyone think that I’m being unchivalrous, but I do find it very difficult for many man of my ilk already without the Holy Spirit being used *against* us for our previous failings to get dates with Catholic women…).
Thank you for writing this , it made me see the truth of the situation I’m in (even though I already know it’s bad) its like I’m a little stuck and I keep trying to find the good in the situation and really want to remain friends with this person but I’m starting to think he don’t care for me at all! And that’s hard to deal with cos I really like him & I wish I didn’t start having sex with him, it’s difficult to ignore his ‘inconsistent , lame initiations’ but I know I have to! 😦 but anyway just wanted to say thanks & I’m glad I stumbled on a blog that mentions God, I believe he has good things in store but right now it’s difficult . God bless
Thank you for your comment, Maria! I am thrilled to hear that you are going to stop sleeping with him! It is difficult but there is power in the virtue of Chastity. Unchaste behavior weakens us. Take sex off the table and see what happens. His true intentions will be revealed. I have added you to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list. God love you, Cindy
Hello again, it’s me Maria who was in a bad situation! I’m so happy to say through prayer and lots of decision making and tears I broke away from that guy and I am so proud to say I have now been celibate for over two years! I’m waiting for the right man! One who will wait . I am more realistic now about my choices with men and a lot more wise . At 32 years old it’s taken me all my life to get to this point. I still date but never let anything get out of hand . If they are not showing consistency I let it go. I’m trying my best out here and feel I’m more ready for a healthy relationship that is pleasing to GOD . over the two years of breaking away there was dots of contact and I missed him sometimes and I (and he) reached out sometimes but nothing worth while at all! I can’t pretend I don’t have any feelings for him anymore cos I do to some extent but I have let him go and i know that and I’m much more ready to meet somebody worthy of my time . Thank you for your prayers! And I am wishing every other lady in a messy situation the best!! We can do this xxxxx
Excellent and informative article. Feel like “been there, done that” glad to know I’ve grown out of it.
Thank you, Laura! You are smart! Praying for you, Cindy
“Sorry” = “story” in my comment below. .. stupid cell phone keyboard, anyway …
Whoa, having lived YEARS as ‘practice girl’ to this one or that one, this is a heartbreakingly true and far too common sorry. Had I read your advice ten years ago, I would have spent my 20s in far less pain and with far more pride and dignity. Young women, listen to this, I wish I had! !!
Hi! I think we have all fallen into the practice girl category. Thank you for visiting and for your comment. God bless, Cindy
Loved this series..I hope I can teach my daughter this!!
Thank you, Raquel! I think God has a special purpose for that beautiful daughter of yours! 🙂
Hi Jeanette! Me too. I think we have all been practice girl at one time or another. 🙂 Not a good situation at all. Thank you for your comment! God bless you.
Wish I would have understood this when I was younger!!! Great info!!! I hope I can teach my daughter this very valuable life lesson!