A dear reader asked me to write a post about the things I, if given the opportunity, would tell my college-age self.  I came up with a bunch of ideas yet with each nugget of wisdom, I realized that it would have been very difficult for the college-age me to accept and apply.

Wisdom is something that we obtain over time and can often only be applied after we are healed from the things that make us unwise.   The readings from Sunday’s Mass about the wheat and the weeds reminded me of the other parable in the Gospel of Matthew about the importance of sowing seeds on healthy soil:

“And the one on whom seed was sown on the good soil, this is the man who hears the word and understands it; who indeed bears fruit and brings forth, some a hundredfold, some sixty, and some thirty.”  Matthew 13:23

My soil was not fruitful.  It needed to be cultivated and plowed.  The stones had to be removed.  Good seed had to be planted.  Then, truth, hope and peace could grow and dwell.

Unfruitfulness

While in college, I was away from God and His grace.  I was not participating in the Sacramental life because I had no idea what that meant and why it would make a difference.  It was the exact prescription I needed but I just didn’t know it.  While I was away from Him, my soil became dry and full of rocks and weeds.  These rocks and weeds led me to compare myself to others and sell out for something less that what my heart needed.

I thought that I could heal myself and I strove for a perfectionism which I hoped would get me what I wanted.  But, the Lord knew that I was on the false path and, out of love, He allowed me to suffer defeat and heartache so that I would turn to Him and “yield the peaceful fruit.”

“All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”   Heb. 12:11

A Waypoint

There were, however, people in my life whose words of encouragement caused me to question my unhealthy way of thinking.  Like a lighthouse of truth, their words and perspective were a waypoint leading me toward hope and healing.  Therefore, I will share with you the things that I wish I would have known and I pray that the Lord uses it for His glory:

Dear College-Age Cindy,

1. God is alive and intimately involved in every action of your life.  Although He seems like a distant and uncaring God, you will look back and see His merciful and mysterious hand in your life.
2. That guy that you are crushing on is not the one and there is nothing you can do to make him the one.
3. Don’t compare yourself to others.  The things you desire are in the Supernatural realm and cannot be obtained without God.
4. That other guy is also not the one.  Although it feels amazing to have his attention and affection, it is not enough.  It is not love and you know this.  Enjoy your time with him but don’t be so hard on yourself when it ends.
5. You are covered by a veil.  You can try as hard as you want to but no one except for Gregg will see you.  And, that is going to take a while.  
6. The phone does not have any magical powers.  You can’t make it ring.  Also, the ring of the phone does not increase your worth and the lack of ringing does not decrease your worth.
7. You are going to have a child and it will not be scary.  Instead, you will be healed through the process.  Your body will recover and you will see that your body and its design is awe-inspiring.
8. Look at you becoming a runner! So out of your comfort zone.  It seems like a lot of hard work with little pay off but over the years, this will prove to be a very valuable skill that teaches you perseverance.
9. Go to Mass.  Go to Confession.  Read God’s word. Pray and believe.  Live a Sacramental Life in Christ.
10. Be patient with yourself and with the process. It is going to be alright.  Actually, more than alright.  It is going to be amazing.

God love and bless you!

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Dear Cindy,

     I am writing for advice. After taking a year off from online dating, I just signed up for Catholic Match. In the past, I did eHarmony and Match, with no luck. I also realized that any time I initiated contact with a guy (a wink or “liking” one of his photos), we might end up messaging, but nothing has ever come of it beyond that. So my online dating strategy has been to write the best profile that I can, then just wait and hope. Most of my friends think this is crazy to be so passive when one is paying for a dating service. Can you tell me what you think? (especially since I’m pretty sure you said you met your husband via Catholic Match)?

 Thank you,

Patiently Waiting

Dear Patiently Waiting,

I believe that the need for the guy to initiate contact is the same no matter whether it is online or in real life.  Maybe even more so and here is why:

The two of you have joined the online dating site for, hopefully, the same reason:  Marriage  If a guy is going to pay money to have access to hundreds (thousands?) of potential wives, it only makes sense that he would be aggressive in his search.  If he is sitting back and waiting for girls to initiate contact, then that, to me, indicates that he is missing one or all of the three R’s.

The Three R’s

Resourcefulness:  He is not very resourceful and this will drive you craaazy in a marriage.

A resourceful man will spend time searching for his love and with online dating, it could not be easier.  It takes his search from several billion (in the whole world) to several thousand (on the site).  And, if it is a Catholic site, his search is narrowed down even more because every single girl is of his same faith.  All he has to do is read profiles, look at photos, send an email and decide if he wants to pursue her.  Easy peasy.  If he considers this hard or too difficult, then this says something about him.  He is not resourceful (read: lazy). A lazy man in marriage is the worst. No, no you do not want this!

Readiness:   He is not ready for marriage and this will drive you craaazy as you ‘date’ him.

Like a toddler who plays with his food by moving it around on a plate, some guys just play with the girls on the site by texting, emailing and even dating.  But, his efforts have no end goal behind them.  It is just something to do until he is ready.   The toddler is not hungry nor does the food on the plate inspire his taste buds.  Same with the guy who is on the site but is not ready for marriage.  He is not hungry nor is he incentivized to seek out someone to satisfy his hunger.

Realistic:  He is not realistic and this is a huge turnoff.  Or, it should be. Some guys see online dating as a source for young, perfect and holy women to pick from. They are hoping for girls who are, dare I say, out of their league.  For example, he is 45 and his filter is for girls age 20 – 30. He is not attractive yet he only initiates contact with the girls who have many guys fighting to get their attention. The problem is he has not properly assessed himself. He is just not realistic.

He Picks You, Then You Decide

A man who is resourceful, ready and realistic will use the site to his advantage to successfully find his wife.  He knows himself well enough to know who he can attract and who, most likely, will not be interested in him.  This man will make you feel cherished and pursued.

Once he picks you, then you are in a position to decide if he is right for you.  It is a horrible feeling to “pick” a guy only to have him decide against you.

The Problem With Female Initiation

When girls initiate contact online, they feed the beast and they weaken his resourcefulness.  Like a toddler, he feels justified in playing with his food (you and your feelings).  Besides, he didn’t even have to get up to put the food on his plate.  It just arrived. And he wasn’t hungry.  In his mind, this is not his fault!

A wink or a ‘like’ seems harmless and maybe it is.  But, would you wink at a guy in real life just out of the blue? It puts the guy in the role of the pursued rather than the pursuer.

Finally, when girls initiate contact, it prevents the man from assessing himself truthfully.  It makes him think that he can get a girl without even trying and that he is highly sought after.  This is not good for him nor is it good for your sisters in Christ.  Rather than being humble and realistic, he is full of himself.  Rather than pursuing a sister in Christ and marrying her, he is stuck in fantasy land because you have contributed to the trend of female initiation.

Let Him Suffer Through It

There is nothing better for a man than solitude and honest introspection. It is good for him to take risks and it is good for his future wife as well.  He will always think “I did it! successfully wooed her! Isn’t she amazing!”  It is good for him to exhaust himself in his search only to finally find the pearl of a great price.

Superabundance

I kid you not, this superabundance thing is your secret to attracting your husband.  The supernatural power of Chastity makes you like a magnet for the right guy.  Keep in mind that there is physical Chastity (the right application of our bodies and fertility) and emotional Chastity (the right application of our emotions).  Let’s add one more:  Behavioral Chastity.  This could be described as the right use of your mind, intellect and actions.  This includes not allowing yourself to believe that you have to compete as if you are ‘of the world.‘  No, you belong to the Lord and you must think and act in accordance with that belief.

It Is Not A Competition

God’s will does not require you to compete for your husband.  You will not need to become the aggressor in order to get your man’s attention.  Your Father in heaven may be saddened at the idea of his precious daughter acting like you have to control something that is not yours to control.  You can trust in the Lord.

Go here for more online dating advice: Mr. Online Man

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

Maura Byrne from Made In His Image adds this tag line to all her blog posts:

P.S. You are enough

No matter what amazing topic I read on her site, that tag line is the most powerful to me.  It always takes my breath away.  I can see Maura’s sweet face and hear her gentle voice saying those words.

You Are Enough

I get emails from you girls asking what you can do to end the loneliness.  You are experiencing doubt and wondering if you are good enough to be loved.  The mounting rejection you experience is feeding those seeds of doubt.

You ask, “Is my prayer life ‘just right’?”  You wonder if God is somehow displeased with you and you have a nagging belief that He is withholding the blessing of marriage from you. You want to know how you can identify this perceived displeasure and how you can prove to God that you are worthy of this blessing?

The hard thing is that you can’t.  You cannot prove yourself worthy of any blessing.  Right now, as you are, you are enough for God and for your future husband.

Both are True

Given the above, we are still called to examine our lives and our relationship with God. The Holy Spirit nudges us to draw near to Him which requires our cooperation.

This post may seem to have two conflicting messages:  1.  You are enough and 2.  Are you doing enough?

The truth of the first message is challenged every day by the world.  You are assaulted with one comparison after another that leads you to believe that you are deficient and lacking in some way.  You are neither. You, even with your imperfections, are enough for God and for your future husband.

The truth of the second message can be misconstrued into the idea that we earn our blessings.  No, we cannot earn them but we can choose to orient our lives toward Him and do all that He commands.

All That God Commands

I am sweetly asking, “Are you doing all that He commands?”  Are you orienting your life towards Him or are you living life oriented towards yourself and then wondering why you don’t have peace?

Most of the emails I receive lead me to believe that you are orienting yourself towards God and walking in His will.  For those, my advice is always, “Continue what you are doing and wait upon the Lord.”

However, sometimes I am given the opportunity, although the girl is “enough”, to pinpoint an area or two where she may be outside the will of God.  This lack of orientation and sometimes lake of obedience, is causing the intense feelings of not being ‘enough’.

Let’s go over what it means to orient yourself towards God:

Prayer Life:  Talk to Him. Daily.

“Prayer places our understanding in the brightness of Divine Light, and exposes the will to the heat of His heavenly love.  Nothing can so effectively purify the mind from its many ignorances, or the will from its perverse affections than prayer. It is as a river of life-giving healing water which causes the roots of our good desires to send forth fresh shoots, which washes away the soul’s imperfections, and quenches the thirst of the passions within our hearts.” St. Francis de Sales ~ Introduction To The Devout Life

Sacramental Life:  Open yourself up to His grace.  Are you living a Sacramental Life In Christ? Grace is the ‘gateway’ to peace.

Worship Him:  Keep holy the Sabbath.  Mass is all about proper orientation.  We go and tell Him who we are (sinners), who He is (holy, Lord, Savior, Creator), and what we need (Him, His forgiveness and His grace).  We listen to what He has to say in the Liturgy of The Word.  We humble ourselves to become like little children in the belief that He is present in the Eucharist and precious blood.  We become more like Him when we receive Him into our bodies. The Mass is centered on Christ, not us, yet it is exactly what heals us.

Thy Will be Done: Surrender to His will.  Easier said than done, I know.  But, all that means is that you surrender to His will for today.  You only have enough grace for today and you do not know what tomorrow holds.

Once you orient yourself toward God, then you can peacefully rest in the truth that He is working all things.  Trust in Him and wait on Him.

You, my sweet girls, are enough.  As always, write to me anytime.  theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

I am so sorry that I don’t have a post to share this week!  During my non-working hours, I have been spending my free time responding to your awesome emails.  And, I have been working on a big project with my mom!

You might remember that I asked my mom to write down 7 short stories about her family.  I posted the story a couple of weeks ago about how her parents met.  Other short stories include her brothers returning home from war, her father’s death at 53 years old, her family coming to America and the loss of her 6 month old brother and her 11-year-old brother ~ both to pneumonia.

I typed these short stories and added photos. Then, I created a 33 page book that we are going to give to our relatives when we go to our family reunion at the end of July. This project has been so exciting and fun to do.  We are really excited!  Such a family treasure.

This week I thought I would repost an article I wrote a while ago.  Also, I want to fill you in on some upcoming posts.  First, the upcoming posts:

1.  You Are Enough

2.  Online Dating ~ First Contact Advice

3.  A Letter To My College Self

Reposting this along with a snippet below:  7 Myths That Singles Must Resist: #3 Something is Wrong With Me

“…I also felt very confused by what I was observing all around me.  I knew that I was not perfect but I wondered why everyone else (and their imperfect and often unchaste selves) seemed to get married.  Why not me?  What was wrong with me?

Well, I now have the benefit of hindsight and I am here to tell you that there was nothing wrong with me.  I also want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you.

The ‘one’ that God has for you will love you despite your faults. There is nothing wrong with you that will keep him from marrying you. Trust and wait. I know it is hard.”

Thank you for your patience as I catch up on my emails.  I love hearing from you girls!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!