The Danger of Fixing It Later


My post from a couple of weeks ago did not stir up as much controversy as I thought it would.  It was about iinitiating contact in online dating.  In it, I recommended to those who are participating in online dating that they not initiate contact with the men on the site but that instead they wait to see who picks them and then they can decide if things progress to the next level.

Just Getting Things Started 

The reason I expected controversy is because it is so easy to have an I’ll fix it later attitude.  It is easy to think that after you secure a husband, then you can fix things.  Or, after you get him to notice you, then you will fix it so that he pursues you.  To some, the goal is just to get things started and it does not matter who starts it.

I know the idea of waiting to be called upon to dance is excruciating and it makes no sense.  Others encourage us to be assertive because we are paying for an online service.  We should make things happen! But….

Future Consequences

If you notice, all of the 3 R’s I listed (Resourcefulness, Readiness and Realistic) in that post, if lacking, had a consequence in the future.

  • If he is not resourceful in dating, then he may be lazy in the marriage. You may be stuck in having to drag him along spiritually, financially or (yuk) sexually.
  • If he is not ready, then he may string you along and play with your emotions. He will not feel responsible for the outcome of the relationship because he is not the one who initiated it.
  • If he is not realistic, the consequence may be your feelings of insecurity. He thinks he deserves Miss Oklahoma and is unable to see your value.  You will experience this in his lame and inconsistent feelings toward you.


No Short Cuts

The future consequences are very difficult to prevent or undo.  There are no short cuts in life.

I had to learn that this past weekend.  Gregg and I were out-of-town.  It is a long story but we ended up having to turn around by going through some bushes off of a parking lot.  Gregg was not feeling well and I was driving. I was feeling impatient because we were running late.  So I drove back through the bushes and a limb scratched the side of our car.  I was in a hurry and tried to take a short cut.  The consequence of my shortcut will be there to remind me whenever I get into the passenger seat of our car.

Similar to the consequences of initiating with men who are missing the 3 R’s, you may be reminded in the future of how it all started and wonder if things would have been different if you had waited for the guy to initiate.

Fizzle Factor

I am glad that the post was not controversial.  That may indicate that you girls are patiently waiting for your man to initiate contact with you.  I did hear from girls via email and many of them said that each time they initiated contact, things ‘fizzled out’ in the end.

I know how tempting it is to believe that any relationship is better than no relationship at all.  I know how hard it is wait for the one who seeks you out. 37 years I waited. I know.

Also, I have watched my share of relationships fizzle out. Over the last 30 years of observing relationships, I have observed girls initiate/chase/sleep with a guy in order to ‘get’ him with the idea that they will fix it later. This impatience often catches up with them.  I don’t know how else to say this but these women usually lack the influence that is required to ‘fix things’.  And sadly, sometimes the man will, even after many years of marriage, find a new women.  One that he has chosen to pursue.

Wait on the Lord my sweet girls.  Trust in Him.  If you need support, please feel free to contact me.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope.” Psalm 130:5 

God love and bless you!

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14 thoughts on “The Danger of Fixing It Later

  1. One problematic thing is where the online site says their “guarantee” is valid only if you are in contact with at least one member each week–which could force you to initiate contact. I didn’t realize I’d be put in that position and it’s rough.

    • What do you mean a ‘guarantee’? It seems like they can’t really guarantee anything – even if you had contact with at least one member each week. I have looked at Catholic Match and never saw anything (or didn’t go looking for a guarantee anyway) so maybe it’s not there, but on other places.

      • I signed up for the guaranteed subscription (if you don’t meet someone after 6 months, they pay for 6 months more) and the requirements state:

        “Send a message or personalized Emotigram (“Qualifying Message”) to at least one unique opposite sex CatholicMatch member each week during your Guarantee Subscription. A Qualifying Message must be sent through the CatholicMatch service and does not include any other method of communicating (such as forums, chat rooms, instant messages, likes, or off-site communication).”

        So if no man sends you a message that week (I’m closer to 40 than 30 so that’s more likely than you think), then it’s up to you to message someone.

      • Oh I see. Well I’m not even 30 and the first few months of my subscription already disqualify me for the guarantee. It’s hard when no one is messaging you. But the thing that really drives me crazy is when a man’s profile states “contact me if you’re interested” … I’m like, no, you contact me!!!

    • I got that subscription too, but doing the interview questions qualifies as “contact”…so that’s what I do to prompt interaction. I see the interviews or a “view” as an IRL smile or expressed interest.

  2. This is such an important post. Most people don’t realize that the problems and immaturity of individual they are coercing into a relationship usually get worse when they marry.

  3. I seriously think you are spot-on. I think that it’s better for girls if they don’t pursue. My best friend has been dating a guy for four years, and she really did the pursuing at the start. She says that if she were single now, she would never pursue a guy, because she’s spent so much of her relationship wondering if her boyfriend is only with her because she was a convenient option. She says it’s not worth that pain.

  4. Oh you DEFINITELY stirred up some conversation about this during the NASavannah weekend! Final consensus was that everyone has different opinions and approaches, but I love how no matter your advice, you give it without judgement…only love 🙂

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