Over the last couple of weeks I shared the story of Fred, one of my Mr. Almost Rights. I shared how we met and a little bit about our courtship. I shared some of the external details and how things ended between us. Given that background, today I will share with you what was going on inside my heart and my mind.
Looking back, letting go of this relationship was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because Fred looked very close to being The One. But, the bottom line is I knew he was not The One. I knew because I did not have peace about him. Instead, as things progressed, I felt frustrated by him. Rather than certitude, instead what I felt was frustrated by the power struggle going on between us. There was a point where he turned inward and his heart turned tepid. And, instead of things getting better with time, things started to get worse until they fell apart.
In contrast, when I started to date my husband Gregg, I did not feel frustrated by him. His passion toward me was constant and things just kept getting better. I never experienced self-doubt or a power struggle. I was never tempted to chase him nor did I have any anxiety about the near or distant future. I had a sense of certainty that I had never felt in these other relationships.
With all these other relationships, I experienced self-doubt. I found myself sharing relationship details (nothing personal) with my girl/guy friends and I would keep an eye out for their reaction. I was searching for someone outside of myself to confirm what I was feeling inside. I was even tempted to subtly chase the guy. I didn’t overtly chase but I did things that made me realize that I wasn’t the one being chased anymore.
But, there was something I knew in the midst of these failed relationships even before they fell apart. I knew it was only a matter of time and I knew this from the beginning. You see, even though I was frustrated, embarrassed, angry and hurt when things ended, I was not surprised. Deep down, I knew. I knew the guy was not The One but I still hoped it could somehow work out. But why did he not love me enough and why did his feelings fade?
Love Is A Mystery
Here is something that is very hard to accept: True love and attraction are mysteries. Love just is or it just isn’t. It cannot be explained. No matter how wonderful we are, we cannot manufacture true love and attraction. And, this can be exasperating.
If you have been reading this site for a while then you will not be surprised when I mention, once again, the Veil. It puts love in the spiritual realm where it belongs. It is my way of explaining the mystery of love.
I have the advantage of hindsight and it is only with this advantage that I can see the difference between how things progressed with Gregg versus how things were with each of my Mr. Almost Rights. But, I have stood where you are standing and I remember being subjected to the unknown . I remember being afraid I would never have the chance at love again. I remember feeling left out in the cold on my own. Please believe me when I say that I thank God (now) that things with Fred did not work out.
I know it is not easy to accept when a relationship falls apart. I know how frustrating it can be and how easy it is to blame the guy. It is tempting to blame him for not trying hard enough and not choosing to love you. I know how easy it is to blame yourself and how it feels when that self-doubt sets in. I remember believing that if he had tried harder (or if I had) then maybe it would have worked out. I know how embarrassing it is to have a relationship publicly go south and then that same guy goes on to marry someone else. I know.
You Must Walk The Path
Even though I knew deep down that Fred (and all the other Mr. Almost Rights) was not The One, I still had to walk the path to find out. It was only in hindsight that my initial instincts could be confirmed. You must also walk the path. You must pray for wisdom to discern the relationship and recognize when it is time to let go. In order to do this, Chastity is required.
The only reason I was able to discern the relationship with Fred accurately was because of the freedom resulting from my commitment to Chastity. If I had slept with him, I would have been unable to let the relationship go due to the natural attachment and bonding resulting from sex. It would have clouded my judgment. And, contrary to what some believe, the sex would not have magically changed the outcome. There is nothing that would have made Fred love me enough nor keep his heart from turning.
Love and attraction are a mystery. The mystery can confound you when it slips through your hands. But, the mystery will completely overwhelm you with joy, gratitude and awe when it is yours to behold.
Wait on the Lord. Wait on the mystery that is love. When it is yours, you will know. I know it is hard. You remain in my prayers.
God love and bless you!
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