Does God ‘Take Away’ Our Desires?

Posted on September 29, 2014 by theveilofchastity

I received a number of emails this week from girls who want to know why God does not take away our desires for marriage. They want to know why He gives us these desires when He knows full well that He is not going to bless us with them! Would it not seem more compassionate and loving to remove them and end our suffering?

Ahhhh, such good questions! The only answers I have are from my own experience. In this post, I am only going to address healthy desires which can become unruly.

Ordered Vs. Disordered

Your desire for a husband and children is healthy! My post, He Will Rule Over You, explains why we experience these desires. But, these good and healthy desires need to be tamed and put under the Lordship of Christ. These desires, without God’s grace, can become very unruly.

Instead of taking them away, God teaches us to call into order our disordered emotions, habits and desires. But this takes….time.

Time

Our whole life is a letting go process. Living a Sacramental Life in Christ allows us to call into order our disordered passions and desires.

Not living this Sacramental life will delay the process. It will make us bitter towards God and accuse Him of withholding something that is good and healthy. It will make those disordered desires so big, obsessive and compulsive. A life without Sacramental grace will lead us further and further away from the healing we need. It will delay our freedom from disorder.

So, let’s assume you are living a Sacramental Life in Christ. How much time is required to heal you and order your passions? This is the part I cannot answer. But I will share the method He used with me.

Method

One thing I learned as a Mom is how to get an object from a child. If you try to take it from them, they resist. But, if you say, “Will you please put that toy in my hand?” they more than likely will smile and put it in your hand. It is the weirdest thing!

In my experience, God does not take things from us when we are tightly gripping on to them. Instead, when we live a Sacramental life of grace, He sort of ‘heats things up’ so that we feel it burning in our hands and let go of it on our own.

Trust

I put this quote from Maura Byrne from Made In His Image in my 7QTs and got such positive response from it:

“As she looked back on her life she saw that every time she was rejected from something she desperately wanted, it was really our Heavenly Father whispering gently to her, “Hold on sweetheart I have something so much better for you. Let me surprise you.”

If I were to rewrite it for this post, I would say,

“As she looked back on her life she saw that every time she tightly gripped on to something good she desperately wanted, our Heavenly Father gently convince her to let go of it. He did this by whispering , “Will you please let go and place your trust in Me so I can heal you and order your desires in accordance with My will?”

Know that the process is not easy or quick. But, God knows exactly how to do it. He desires for us to be free of the things that control us and keep us from having peace. He desires to free us from disorder and instead order our lives in accordance with our human dignity. It is unlikely that he will spontaneously take away your desires. But, there is more going on in the background than you can ever know or imagine. You can trust Him.

What are you gripping on to? Will you let go and hand it to God?

God love and bless you!

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7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 95

Posted on September 26, 2014 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: Is Romantic Love a Decision? I have heard many times that love is a Decision. This week I discussed the idea that Love is really Sacrifice. Did you see Proverbial Girlfriend’s comment? So good. I hope the post was a blessing!

— 2 — Not Alone Series: This week’s NAS topic was Dating vs. Courtship. I did not get a chance to read the posts this week but I will! It was interesting to me that there were only a few entries and I am wondering if the topic was too confounding. There are so many definitions of Courtship that it would be a difficult topic to write about. I think Gregg and I dated but it had all the chivalry of a courtship. Does that make sense? See, tough topic! Anyway, I plan to read these this weekend.

— 3 — Pope Paul VI: Happy Birthday! # lovehim

— 4 — Spotlight On: This week’s spotlight is on Maura from Made In His Image. I was retweeting her like it was my job this week! Amazing! Here is an example of her wisdom and heart:

— 5 — St Agatha: My dear friend has breast cancer and four of us women just finished the St Agatha novena. One of the girls sent everyone a charm of St. Agatha (it was delivered to me at work) and I had to keep from breaking out in tears right there in my office. Do you know the story of St. Agatha?

— 6 — Blessed Is She: Have you heard about this blog that has daily scripture meditations which follow the daily Mass readings? Oh, please subscribe! It is so amazing and even Audrey Assad writes for the blog. Today’s readings were amazing:

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

— 7 — Vanity of Vanities: How about yesterday’s reading?? Such a good reminder. Priorities.

Book of Ecclesiastes 1:2-11.

“Vanity of vanities, says Qoheleth, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!
What profit has man from all the labor which he toils at under the sun?
One generation passes and another comes, but the world forever stays.
The sun rises and the sun goes down; then it presses on to the place where it rises.
Blowing now toward the south, then toward the north, the wind turns again and again, resuming its rounds.
All rivers go to the sea, yet never does the sea become full. To the place where they go, the rivers keep on going.
All speech is labored; there is nothing man can say. The eye is not satisfied with seeing nor is the ear filled with hearing.
What has been, that will be; what has been done, that will be done. Nothing is new under the sun.
Even the thing of which we say, “See, this is new!” has already existed in the ages that preceded us.
There is no remembrance of the men of old; nor of those to come will there be any remembrance among those who come after them.”

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Is Romantic Love A Decision?

Posted on September 22, 2014 by theveilofchastity

“Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;

Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.”

William Shakespeare Sonnet 116

Some believe that a man ‘decides‘ to romantically fall in love with a girl. I am not sure how a person would decide to have romantic feelings nor do I believe that this would be a good thing. Instead, I hope to convince you that romantic love is sacrifice, not a decision. Sacrifice is often the most revealing sign of romantic love.

Actions Are Evidence

I hear from girls who are dating men who they hope ‘decide’ to fall in love and marry them. They write to me asking for my thoughts and I usually focus on his actions rather than his words. Is he following through on what he says he is going to do? Is he making changes in his life to accommodate you and invite you in? Is his job, the military, his sister, NASCAR, football or his mom more important than you? Is the drive too long to see you? Do you not fit in with his friends? Are the things that are important to you supported by him?

What Motivates Men?

You see, men are motivated by something very mysterious. They fall in love first and then decide to make sacrifices for that love. A man, in most cases, does not decide to sacrifice in order to feel love. It is unlikely that he will think that giving up NASCAR will enhance his love for you. NASCAR will only be bumped down in priority when romantic love is evident.

An Ever-Fixed Mark

Love cannot be explained. Note that Shakespeare mostly says what love is ‘not.’ Yet, his description of what it is, an ‘ever-fixed mark’, is perfect. Romantic love that leads to marriage should be unshakable. You should feel it is as dependable as the rising of the sun when you lay your head on your pillow.

Love is Sacrifice

The book of Corinthians tells us that, “love does not insist on its own way.”

^“Love is patient and kind…It does not insist on its own way..” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Sacrifice is what you want to look for when assessing a man’s intentions and depth of romantic love. Sacrifice is the evidence that the man has found a pearl of great price. That does not mean that you are not a pearl. It just means that you are not his pearl. But, you are someone’s pearl.

Not Motivated By Me

I dated a guy when I was just out of college who married the next girl he dated after me. For reasons I won’t go into, I was able to witness the sacrifices he made for her. I was astonished by the influence and say-so she had in their relationship. There was a number of times I was left with my mouth gaping because I did not think this guy was capable of sacrifice. Alas, he was. He was motivated by romantic love and he decided to sacrifice…for her.

Love Is

To wrap up, here are some quotes from a past post, I Knew:

“True love and attraction are mysteries. Love just is or it just isn’t. It cannot be explained. No matter how wonderful we are, we cannot manufacture true love and attraction. And, this can be exasperating.”

“Love and attraction are a mystery. The mystery can confound you when it slips through your hands. But, the mystery will completely overwhelm you with joy, gratitude and awe when it is yours to behold.”

“Wait on the Lord. Wait on the mystery that is love. When it is yours, you will know. I know it is hard. You remain in my prayers.”

Are you dating someone and find it difficult to assess his romantic feelings for you? Feel free to write to me. I will be happy to help.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 94

Posted on September 19, 2014 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: This Week’s News Chastity may be the answer to domestic violence. What do you think?

— 2 — Next Week’s Post: Is Romantic Love a Decision? I have heard many times that love is a Decision. I wonder if, instead, we should say that Love is Sacrifice. I will share my thoughts on this.

— 3 — Not Alone Series: This week’s NAS topic was Online Dating Dos and Don’ts! Great insights from the girls so check them out!

— 4 — Spotlight On: As you must know by now, Jen and Morgan were on TV!! I watched their part of the episode several times. My favorite part was when Morgan said, “Where is he?!” and this is my favorite photo of these beautiful girls:

— 5 — Best Compliment Ever: I was emailing with a reader this week and I had a big smile on my face when I read this:

“I mean this as a total compliment: you use the same kind of language as my late grandmother, and she was the most sensible person who trusted God the most of anyone I’ve ever known!

— 6 — Modesty Helps Women Be Friends: Have you heard about Church Pop? Their post, Modesty Helps Women Be Friends aligns with my Superabundance theory. Brantly Millegan, a Catholic convert, is the Founder and Editor of ChurchPOP. You can learn more about him on his personal website.

— 7 — Spotlight On: I want to spotlight another blogger but I want to wait until I have her permission. So this is a placeholder!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

This Week’s News

Posted on September 15, 2014 by theveilofchastity

Soooo, I already sort of broke my commitment to not watch any football this season. I actually didn’t watch much football yesterday but I did watch the NFL Sunday Countdown. They opened the show on a very somber note talking about domestic violence.

Without going into detail about the incidences that played out right in front of our eyes this week, I want to propose that the following virtue can prevent these ills of society: Chastity

But first I thought we would take a look at Sunday’s readings, specifically the first reading from the book of Numbers:

“From Mount Hor they set out by the way to the Red Sea, to go around the land of Edom; and the people became impatient on the way.
And the people spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food.”
Then the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many people of Israel died.
And the people came to Moses, and said, “We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD and against you; pray to the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us.” So Moses prayed for the people.
And the LORD said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent, and set it on a pole; and every one who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live.”
So Moses made a bronze serpent, and set it on a pole; and if a serpent bit any man, he would look at the bronze serpent and live.”

Numbers 21: 4-9

Sunday we celebrated the Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross. That Old Testament passage is a foreshadowing of the saving power of Christ.

Do we become impatient and complain? Yes. But note the Confession of the people: “We have sinned…” and the power of Moses’ intercession on their behalf: “So Moses prayed for the people.…” and God, the great Physician, provided the antidote to sin and the prescription for life: “…everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live.”

The ways of the Lord bring life, not death. Chastity, also brings forth something beautiful: Good Fruit

Chastity results in a powerful fruit referred to here as Superabundance. When I hear of domestic violence, I always wonder if the needed antidote is Superabundance?

“Von Hildebrand’s concept of Superabundance is an inner richness that flows over and brings about fruit. This good fruit includes children and many other common human desires such as faithfulness, devotion, sacrifice, reliability, gentleness, constancy, affection, admiration, freedom, security, peace, compassion and protection.

For Catholics, our faith already teaches that chastity, which includes sexual abstinence before marriage, is a virtue, and that virtue bears fruit. The Catechism also teaches us that in the case of marriage, the practice of chastity (remaining open to life) naturally leads to patience, temperance, prudence, honesty and trust. Clearly these fruits of real love are characteristic of a man who is devoted and is into you.”

Gentleness, not abuse. Affection, not punches. Security, not control. Protection, not harm.

Can domestic abuse be a part of a chaste marriage? Sure. Okay.

Back to this week’s news. I guess I just don’t get why she married him even after the abuse in the elevator. Maybe it is because they had a child together and she was attached to him emotionally, psychologically and physically. Maybe it was because of greed and the affluence that comes with running in those circles.

But, she has a daughter. A daughter who will more than likely witness more abuse or maybe be on the receiving end of abuse from the father. This is the part I find most unacceptable. Choose for yourself the consequences of your decision. But, pure selfishness drives the decision to put your little daughter in that situation. This is the blindness so many suffer from today.

“One of the fundamental problems that unchastity brings about is a blindness that leads directly to acts of imprudence. A person who is inflamed by lustful desires is hardly in a position to do what is good for himself or anyone else.”

Angelic Warfare Confraternity

I heard people say we need more education about domestic abuse and that the NFL should throw a bunch of money at the problem in order to solve it. Money and education will have little effect. The life-giving prescription of Confession, repentance and Chastity will go a long way towards domestic peace. Let us pray and intercede for those bitten by the fiery serpent.

“If you want peace, work for justice” Pope Paul VI

“If you want justice, work for Chastity” Saint Pope John Paul II

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 93

Posted on September 12, 2014 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: A Secular ‘Dating Coach’ Says… What did you think of Evan Marc Katz’s advice?

— 2 — Next Week’s Post: Oh goodness, so many things to write about!

— 3 — Not Alone Series: This week’s NAS topic was Oh So Chivalrous! I am a lover of chivalry so I really enjoyed this week’s topic. I particularly liked Laura’s post from A Drop in the Ocean. Her post, Chivalry Is Not Dead was great! I loved the pudding story and felt hopeful hearing how often she experiences chivalrous acts. Nice!

I always try to encourage chivalrous acts by allowing men to open the door and so forth. Gregg is super chivalrous. He opens my car door, puts gas in my car and all kinds of ‘die to oneself’ kinds of acts, I wonder sometimes if men learn this from their Dads because I would definitely describe my father-in-law as being chivalrous. We also are training our son to open doors, let girls have first dibs and so forth. The biggest training ground is what he sees from his father and I feel pretty good about that. His wife should be all set.

I have so many stories of unchivalrous acts and they stick out to me because I am such a believer in it. I have a friend who was at her sister’s wedding about 20 years ago. Her father, at the time, was in his 60’s and in ill-health. My friend had left something in her car and it was raining. Her longtime boyfriend (who was not in the wedding party) refused to go out to the car to get the item because he did not want to get wet. My friend was all decked out in her bridesmaid dress and bridesmaid hair. So her father (yes, the father of the bride) went out to the car and got all wet! This did not faze my friend’s boyfriend at all. When I heard the story I was shocked. To this day, I still can’t forget it. Yes, they eventually broke up. I see chivalry as the ability to sacrifice oneself and if it is missing in marriage, then trouble will be at the front door.

— 4 — Spotlight On: Jen and Morgan were on TV!! Did you see them? Oh, they were so poised and beautiful (great shoes!). They talked of how important it is to wait for God’s will. I was at Mass today during their TV appearance and sent Jen a little text letting her know I was praying for them. I felt so proud of them. Check them out!! Great job girls and congratulations to all the NAS girls. #NASBoston

— 5 — Grandparent’s Day: These 7QTs are late today because I enjoyed the day with my mom who was in town for Grandparent’s day at our son’s school. #ILoveMyMom

— 6 — Procrastination: I am at a point in my life where I feel more and more convicted about how I use my time. For example, let’s say I have a list of 20 things to do. I will do 2 of them and then sit down at the computer and see what is going on. On a good note, sometimes during my ‘breaks’ I sit on the couch and watch TV while I snuggle with my son. But, I don’t understand why I don’t just knock out the 20 things and THEN enjoy my free time? What ends up happening is that even when I am goofing off I feel the pressure of the tasks that are yet undone. Then, I tend to get stressed as I run out of time to complete everything. Even right now, this very minute, I am procrastinating. Last football season, I also spent an unacceptable amount of time watching football and when the season was finished I looked back and felt I had squandered my precious time. My plan, with God’s grace, is to improve this frustrating area of my life. Each time I put to death my own desires, I will offer it up for my friend who is suffering right now. The first step is recognizing who I am not and what is possible. #IWantTrueFreedom

“We’ll never become who we truly are until we hand over to God all that we are not.”

— 7 — I was on travel for work this week and am a little behind on responding to your emails. I look forward to catching up this weekend!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

A Secular ‘Dating Coach’ Says….

Posted on September 8, 2014 by theveilofchastity

Continue reading →

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 92

Posted on September 5, 2014 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: How Much Time Should You Give Him? 6 months.

“…the marriage discussion should be on the table, prompted by him, in the first 6 months…”

— 2 — Next Week’s Post: Even secular, non-chaste guys agree that a girl should not wait around for a guy to decide. I will share an article by a secular, non-chaste dating ‘coach’ who backs up the limited time factor!

— 3 — Not Alone Series: The girls are back!!! And, they had 15 contributors along with several new ‘hello, my name is’ introductions on their Facebook private page (come and join us!).

This week they discuss ways they can be more involved at church or in their communities. Check out all their posts over at Morgan’s blog! I am so proud of all of them and felt so edified by their sense of service to the Lord and His Church. Way to go, girls!

— 4 — Spotlight On: This week’s spotlight is on Mark and Katie Hartfiel as they are going to be on Life on the Rock tonight at 8:00pm. Remember Katie wrote the book, Woman In Love (which I loved) and I did a review. Check them out!

— 5 — Clouded By My Unmet Needs: I read the article called “My Survival Story” which was about surviving the hook-up culture in college. There was one line that really caught my attention as I think it explains what goes on inside the head and heart. What are your unmet needs and what are you doing to manage them and heal?

“I was clouded by my unmet needs.”

— 6 — Still Thinking On-line Dating Is Stupid?: Check out this video!

— 7 — The Lord Loves Repentence: Saint Romanos Melodios (around the year 560) wrote this:

“Let us meditate on the Ninevites…, let us listen to what they did. After the terrifying proclamation made by Jonah before this gluttonous and drunken people…, like capable workmen they made hast to restore the city their evil deeds had destroyed, taking a sure rock for its foundation…: repentance.

Son of the One God, O only God, who carry out the will of those who love you, protect them in your mercy… As in former days you took pity on the Ninevites… so today release from judgment those who sing to you and grant me forgiveness in return for my confession… Since I have no works worthy of your glory, at least save me, my Savior, for my words of contrition: you who love repentance.”

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

How Much Time Should You Give Him?

Posted on September 1, 2014 by theveilofchastity

I received this comment in response to last week’s post, He Doesn’t Need More Time:

Cindy, why do you think that men string women along even when they know they don’t want to marry them? I understand that for a lot of men, it’s sex, but why would a practising Catholic/Christian man (whose girlfriend is, I assume, not sleeping with him) string things out?

I’ve heard the opinion that a woman should break up with a man after a year if he hasn’t at least mentioned marrying her (the opinion-giver added the caveat that the man and woman should both be finished with university in order for this rule to apply.) What do you think?

These are really two questions but I think they are linked together. A man will sit on the fence for a number of reasons but it is up to the girl to not let it drag on. The amount of time that a girl should allow a guy to decide is determined by the quality of the continued pursuit because the quality of the pursuit is a reflection of his intentions to marry her or not. Rarely is the pursuit strong and consistent when his intentions are to not to marry the girl. The symptoms are usually glaring.

But, he doesn’t break it off. Why?

What Is In It For Him and Why?

If sex is not the motivating factor for a guy to keep dating a girl he knows he doesn’t want to marry, then what is it? I wrote about this in the post, Stop Responding To Lame And Inconsistent Initiation. The reasons could be: she is meeting a need, she is a practice girl or the Veil

Meeting A Need

These needs can be physical (is the realtionship 100% chaste? because you know….), emotional or social needs. Or, it can be simply that you build up his ego by your strong interest in him. Your chasing, responding and flirtation are making him feel great!

If his initiation is lame or inconsistent, then move on. If he fails to reassure you about his future intentions, then move on. It may be the only way he can acknowledge to himself what his intentions are towards you.

Practice Girl

Have you ever heard of the term practice girl? Sometimes, not always, guys like to practice on girls who will let them. They practice their skills in asking a girl out, calling girls, kissing girls, etcetera (yes, etcetera!). But, the guys know deep down that they are just practicing for the big game (marriage) rather than sincerely pursuing these practice girls. So, they manage the situation by pushing the emotional boundaries and then pulling back so that the girl’s expectations remain low and in check.

When this happens, you are a good-for-now girl. Ugh. Move on.

The Veil

You may be wondering why he pursues you at all if his intentions are not on the up and up? Well, I believe that in addition to having his needs met, he also likes what he sees in you. But he can’t fully see you. I believe that we are all covered by a veil and only the one that God intends for us to marry, our Holy Spouse, can see us fully.

Is Age A Factor?

I was counseling a girl recently who is in her 40’s and dating a guy in his 50’s. They dated for 9 months before things fell apart. In my opinion, the guy had enough time to know if he wanted to marry her. I shared with her that Gregg and I met in September 2001 and were married in 2002. And, we were long-distance. Older men really have no excuse to sit on the fence. They know.

So, yes. Age is a factor on both ends of the spectrum. If the couple has not completed University, then it may be prudent to marry once they are done. But, I would link the justified delay to their age and maturity, not to their educational goals.

How Long?

Warning: This is my opinion: If the couple is free to marry, then the marriage discussion should be on the table, prompted by him, in the first 6 months. Engagement should follow within a year of dating. And, the wedding should take place 6 to 8 months after the engagement. For each of these milestones, my question would be, “If not, why not?”

Free To Marry

What does free to marry mean? It means that he has a job and is free to marry in the Church (annulment). If he can’t afford to date, then he cannot afford to be married. This is why those still in college may not be free to marry. Also, if he is still married to another girl and is in need of an annulment, then he is not free to marry you.

We Must Be Observant

It is up to the girl to do what is in her best interest. Is his pursuit lame or inconsistent? Has he not mentioned marriage in the first 6 months? Has he not proposed in the first year? Has he proposed but not set a near-term date? Is he not reassuring when you point out the delay?

Then, you know. Move on.

Are There Exceptions?

Yes, there are legitimate exceptions. But, I think they are rare. And, there is usually a good reason behind the delay. Sometimes the guy needs a little itty bitty nudge:

One girl wrote to me and shared that her boyfriend of one year said he needed 6 more months to decide about marriage. They were completely chaste…..not even a kiss. I advised her to give him the six months, but if he has not proposed by then, she should break up with him. She talked to him about it and shared her feelings in a very rational, yet understandably emotional, way. It was not an ultimatum but instead an acknowledgement on her part of what is in her best interest. She was starting to feel very off-balance by the length time she had put into the relationship and they were both in their late 20’s. They were clearly free to marry. Anyway, she spoke to him and within 3 days he proposed to her. Their beautiful wedding took place 7 months later. He didn’t really need more time. He needed a gentle, confident nudge. 🙂

Sometimes the guy has to get his financial house or other type of ‘life house’ in order. If that is the case, then he should be having an open discussion with you about his intentions and he should reassure you with a reasonable timeline. Someday is not a date.

If I can help you assess your specific dating situation, please feel free to write to me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

Next week: Even secular, non-chaste guys agree that a girl should not wait around for a guy to decide. I will share an article by a secular, non-chaste dating ‘coach’ who backs up the limited time factor.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!