As promise, this week I am sharing my insights and experience with On-line dating.  Gregg and I met on-line 12 years ago when on-line dating was just getting started.  I seriously never expected to meet my husband on-line.  And, I was embarrassed to even admit I was participating in on-line dating!

Men Were Not Scarce

After college, I lived in a very metropolitan area where there were plenty of single men.  In fact, I was surrounded by single men both socially and at work.  I also had a very active social life with a Catholic community comprised of both married and single Catholics.  I knew a lot of people! So, statistically, I should have found my husband in this environment. I dated a lot and had 3 relationships that I would put in the ‘on-the-cusp-of-being-engaged-serious’ category. But, alas I remained single.

Why Online Dating?

I signed up for on-line dating with a Catholic site at the encouragement of a girlfriend of mine.  She was a brave girl from New York and she gave me just the right push to get me to do it.  I had high hopes at first because  I had a fundamental belief that I had a lot to offer.  I jokingly describe my decision to participate in on-line dating as “opening myself up to the larger, National Market.”  My motto was “Let the best man win!”

But, then I went on dates with the on-line guys and my expectations were tempered.  After a while, I viewed it as just a ‘supplemental” way of meeting men.

It Only Takes One

One of the beliefs I had about on-line dating is that the men are seeking marriage (which appeared to be half the battle with the real-life men I was dating).  However, I found that although the on-line guys may have been seeking marriage, none of those relationships progressed towards marriage (not even remotely).  So, I became disillusioned about it.  Don’t get me wrong, the guys were contacting me and they were taking me on dates but they were not guys I was interested in.  Dating them felt mostly forced.

I got to the point where I was only logging into the site on Monday’s to answer the emails I received from these guys.  But then, one glorious Monday, I logged in and found an email from Gregg, my beloved.  The saying, “It only takes one.” is true.

A Desperate Move?

Is on-line dating a desperate move?  If it is, it is the best desperate move I ever made!  Did I feel desperate and creepy at the time?  Yes.  Do I care now?  Not a bit.  If I hadn’t done it, I have a strong feeling I would still be single.  And no man is better for me than Gregg.

I know you might think on-line dating is just for the ‘hopeless’ but may I make a suggestion for those of you who scoff at it?  Approach it as a supplemental way of meeting men.  Approach it as a way for God to work in your life without limiting Him to your local area.  Don’t put all your hopes and dreams in it, but just be open to it.

Suggestions for On-line Dating

Since my Response Formula won’t work in the cyber world, here are my suggestions for on-line dating:

Let him pick you:  I never shopped around or checked out the guys that were on the site.  I only responded to the ones that sought me out and sent me notes.  That way, I knew that they picked me.

Log in once a week:  I got to the point where I only checked my on-line inbox on Mondays.  This did frustrate the guys a little but it prevented us from getting into an email-only relationship.  It forced them to call me if they wanted to interact with me and ask me out.  I think it also showed that I had a life outside of on-line dating.

I followed this practice with Gregg too which is why we got off to a slow start. But, it did not discourage him! I only learned later that he was checking his inbox for my reply while I was going about my life.  I had no idea that he was going to be ‘the one’!  So, I treated him just like every other guy…..until he set himself apart with his wonderfulness. 🙂

None of their beeswax:  Other than my friend from New York, I did not tell anyone I was participating in on-line dating.  I even fibbed to my Mom about how I met Gregg and only told my parents the truth because I was flying to Kansas to visit him.   Yeah, I was weirded-out about it a little.

Therefore, if you feel desperate and creepy and hopeless for trying on-line dating, just don’t tell anyone.  Just remember the safety rules for the first 3 dates (meet in a public place, drive yourself, keep your spidy scenses on).

Treat it as supplemental:  Treat is as a way to increase your ability to meet men.  Don’t put all your eggs in the real-life or on-line basket.  Be open to the movement of the Holy Spirit!

Don’t be too electronically chatty:  In other words, be flirty and sweet but keep it breezy.  You do not want him to carry on an electronic-only relationship with you.  If he keeps it at that lame-o level, you can email him back after a couple of exchanges and say, “Email is not my preference.  Would you like to call me?”

Don’t become his buddy:  The guy should move things to the dating phase rather than taking the phone/email buddy approach.  He should want to look into your eyes, see your smile and smell you by taking you on dates! 🙂

Long-Distance situations:  This can be tricky but obviously not impossible.  A guy may feel skittish about initiating a visit.  Seriously, the women’s lib thing has screwed up chivalry.  He may not want to scare off a perfectly nice girl by suggesting a visit. 

True Story:  Gregg and I lived a long-distance from each other.  Once our interactions moved to talking on the phone and I could tell that he was a nice guy (oh, and I loved his voice!), I wanted us to meet in person.  So, after about a month I sweetly said, “When are you going to visit me?” 

My point in sharing this is that you don’t need to be coy.  You can state what you want in the relationship.  Guys cannot read your mind and they don’t have the visual cues they would have in person.  If you say to him, “Would you like to call me?” or “When are you going to visit me?” and he does not want to, so be it.

Gregg wanted to visit me and he was very happy I put that opportunity out there!  With the right guy, it works.  With the wrong guy, it won’t work.  It will leave you feeling needy and stupid. But, it is still better than a stalled courtship stuck at the email or phone phase.

Questions?

If you are doing the on-line thing and you have specific questions for me, feel free to email me or (if you feel brave) state your question in the combox.

Next week

The topic:  There Is No Formula!     An Amazing and Beautiful Guest Post. This is BIG! 

God love and bless you!

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Unfortunately, some guys apply the ‘practice makes perfect’ principle as a way of honing their skills at asking out and pursuing girls.  This post will not help you determine the difference, upon that first encounter, between a guy who is practicing and a guy who is your beloved.  Only his follow-up actions, pursuit and time will reveal his true intentions.  But, I will demonstrate how easy it is to respond to a guy who does flirt with you, no matter what his intentions may be.

Two weeks ago I shared with you my Response Formula:  stand still, smile at him, look him in the eye and allow him to generate a good solid conversation.  Then, and this is the hardest yet most important step, go about your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.  Last week, I explained what I mean by self-containment.

Today I will go over some of the more frustrating types of initiation used by men and show how the Response Formula is sufficient for each of these scenarios.

Mr. Fisher Man

This guy is ‘just fishing’ in order to see your response to his flirtation.  He has no intention of following up. His goal is to build up his ego so that when he meets his beloved, he will have his flirtation and initiation skills perfected. He might say, “Can I have your number?” or “Would it be okay if I called you?”

This scenario is not hard to deal with! Just smile, look him in the eye and talk to him.  Give him your number in response to the first question and say, “Yes, I would like that.” to the second question.  Then, go about your life.  If he follows up, than practice self-containment with this man until after 3 dates. Only time will tell if he is just fishing or if he is your beloved.

Mr. Hesitation Man

This guy is interested in you and wants to follow-up with you but he lacks the courage to do so.  So, he hesitates.  He might say, “………”.  Yep, that’s right…… he doesn’t say anything!

That is okay!  Smile and look him in the eyes. Then, go about your life.

A blog reader recently shared with me her story about Mr. Hesitation Man.  This guy seemed to look at her and purposefully sit in the pew behind her at Mass.  He seemed to buzz around her like a bee to the flower yet he has never said a word to her.

My advice to her was a slightly altered version of the Response Formula.  I encouraged her to smile at him and sweetly say, “Hi.” (after Mass, of course)

You see, there are guys who are genuinely shy and lack courage.  If they seem to be showing little signs of interest but fumble the ball at conversation, it would not cause a scandal for you to say, “Hi.”  If he says, “Hi.” but keeps moving away from you…..then go about your life.  No big deal.  But, if he takes the opportunity to talk to you, then smile, look him in the eye and allow him to converse with you.  If he is attracted to you and has been dreaming about asking you out, he will most likely have something ready to say to you.

As with all men, go about your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.  Note:  Do not be tempted to help him just because he is acting shy!

Mr. Sometime Man

This guy is the most common type.  He extends vague invitations for dates.  He says things like, “Would you like to go out sometime?”  or “We should go out sometime.”

These vague statements are not invitations but are sometimes just fishing expeditions for practice.  But, sometimes they are sincere (although weak) attempts at initiation.  That is okay!  Just smile, look him in the eye and say, “I would like that. When did you have in mind?”  Then, go about your life. Be sure to practice extra self-containment with this man until after 3 dates.

Mr. Group Man

This guy likes to keep all invitations at the group level.  He says things like, “Would anyone like to go out for lunch after Mass?” or “Would you like to go out to lunch with us (the group)?”

Your response?  Smile, look him in the eye and say, “I would like that, thank you.”  Note that these group invitations do not count as dates.  Feel free to go on the group dates but don’t forget that you must practice self-containment until after 3 (actual, one-on-one) dates.

ABG

Notice how all the responses I recommend are gracious?  An important part of the Response Formula is Always Be Gracious (ABG).

It is easy to buy into the old adage that a girl needs to play hard-to-get with all men.  I don’t prescribe to that notion.  I think we women benefit more when we are gracious towards all guys and practice emotional chastity.

Emotional Chastity

Emotional Chastity begins with the belief that you can trust God and that He has a plan for your life and for your vocation. Knowing that God is in control greatly enhances your ability to remain contained about these new guys until after 3 dates.  Keep in mind that you will not know if a guy is just practicing on you or if he is your beloved.  But God knows.

Therefore, you do not need to manipulate the situation or act coy.  You do not need to play hard-to-get.  You do not need to help men.  You do not need a crystal ball.  Just stop, smile, look him in the eye and be gracious in your response.  Go on about your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.  Once he has decided on you, then you can consider him.

It Is Difficult

Although the Response Formula sounds easy, it is very difficult to put into practice.  The hardest part is where you have to go on with your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.

You might be wondering what kind of life you will have if you apply the Response Formula with men.  Who will you think and dream about?  What will you talk to your girlfriends about?  How will you prove to the world that you are desirable unless you report these little blossoming encounters?  You might be thinking to yourself that this practice will eliminate a lot of men from becoming fantasy relationships.  Well, that is exactly the goal.

The Veil

Keep in mind the idea that you are covered by a veil and that only the man who God intends for you to marry will be able to see you.  All other guys may try to practice on you.  But, if you stay in God’s will, He will protect you from falling too deeply into this tricky practice web.  You will avoid wasting time and your emotions on the wrong men.  God will infuse supernatural Grace into your man and this will give him the courage to pursue you.

Coming Up

Since many of you are participating in on-line dating, next week I will give you some advice about Mr. On-line Man!  I also have several book reviews coming up which I can’t wait to share with you!

God love and bless you!

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After finishing my post for this week, I realized that I needed to first explain what I meant last week when I advised you to practice “self-containment.”

Last week, I shared with you my Response Formula which included my advice on how to respond to a guy who flirts with you.  Steps 1-4 are easy:

1.  stop   2. smile   3.  look him in the eyes  4.  converse with him

Steps 5 and 6 are much more difficult:

5.  Go about your life  6.  practice self-containment until after 3 dates

Several of you wrote to me asking for specifics on this practice.  What is it?  What does it look like?

What Is It?

In general, self-containment is one of the ‘fruits’ of Emotional Chastity.  And, like all of the spiritual fruits, we obtain them through our good habits.  Since the Catechism does not provide a formal definition of Emotional Chastity, let’s look at what is says about the virtue of Chastity so we can see the connection.

Here is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about Chastity

• 2338  The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. This integrity ensures the unity of the person; it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it. It tolerates neither a double life nor duplicity in speech.
• 2339 Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. Man’s dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end.

Emotional Chastity is an apprenticeship in self-mastery.  Being self-contained means having mastery over your passions and your speech and not allowing your emotions to dominate you.  It means keeping yourself intact (unity of the persons) and having integrity in all you say and do.  It means avoiding duplicity in your speech and presenting your life in a way that is truthful.

What Does It Look Like?

It might be easier if we look at the opposite of self-containment first.  We have all witnessed it.  A girl meets a guy.  He flirts with her.  He asks for her number.  She talks about him non-stop.  This lack of self-containment is very, very common.  Her behavior betrays her.   Her feelings and emotions are dominating her.  This guy has not earned his way into such a prominent position, yet he is being exalted by her.  What does that say about her standards and judgment?

A Challenge

Now, it is perfectly fine to be excited about a potential suitor!  I am not saying that you need to be a total dud.  But, I am going to give you a challenge:

The next time a guy flirts with you, don’t say anything to anyone until this guy has taken you on 3 dates.

You might be thinking that you at least need to tell your roommates for safety reasons.  Shouldn’t they know with whom you are spending your time?  This is where some dating guidelines would be helpful.

Dating Guidelines

1.  The first 3 dates must be in a public location.

2.  Tell him that you will meet him (drive yourself) at the public location.

3.  If you feel the slightest bit of concern about your safety, leave the location and stop dating him.

You should have a good idea of the guy’s character after 3 dates.  Has he been calling you in between the dates?  Does he display good manners?  Does he pay for the dates?

Don’t worry about what he will think of your desire to meet in a public location at first.  These days, a guy will not question the fact that you want this.  He will see you as being wise.  You have a policy and you follow it.  You have principles.

If you need to talk about this new man, present your case to the Blessed Virgin Mary, our Mother.  Comfort will follow.

Next Week

Now that I have explained step 6, next week I will share with you how the Response Formula can be applied to any situation.

God love and bless you!

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“Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely…..Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.”  Song of Songs 4

I have to laugh at myself as I write this post about smiling.  It seems so corny and I, of all people, should proceed with caution when encouraging others to smile.  Why?  Because when I was single, complete male strangers would occasionally say to me, “Smile, it’s not that bad!”

My response was always a squinty-eyed version of “Leave me alone.”  It used to get on my nerves and every guy who said it seemed to be a Creeper.  You see, I was often lost in deep thought and it resulted in me having, not so much of a frown, but a pensive look on my face. So, I guess these guys would feel compelled to ‘cheer me up.’ It didn’t work.

Looking back though, I realize that they were just trying to get my attention and flirt with me.  They were harmless.

Has this ever happened to you?  Did it get on your nerves?  If so, don’t worry.  I am not going to tell you to “Smile at the world.”  But, I will hopefully convince you that your smile is all you need when flirting with men.

Your Job Is To Respond

Last week I shared with you that it is the man’s job to initiate, follow-up and pursue you.  Your job is only to respond.

But how do you respond upon that first encounter?  Can your response be too eager or can you appear indifferent? Are men not following up with you because your response is not balanced?  I don’t know.  But, I do know how easy it is to believe that you should have done this and you should have done that.

The goal of striking the perfect balance in your response to men is more about your peace of mind.  It is about not kicking yourself and blaming yourself when the guy doesn’t follow-up.  It’s about not worrying that your response was too standoffish or too desperate.

The Various Mr.’s

Over the next couple of weeks, I will address several scenarios and how to respond to each.  The scenarios will include Mr. Fisherman, Mr. Hesitationman, Mr. Sometimeman, Mr. Groupman, Mr. Onlineman and Mr. Flirtman.  As you will see I recommend virtually the same method of responding to each of these initiation types.  Let’s start with Mr. Flirtman!

Mr. Flirtman

Scenario:  You are at Home Depot looking for a solution to problem you are having in your home.  Perfect!  Mr. Flirtman strikes up a conversation and is flirting with you.  Since it is Saturday, you may or may not be looking your best.  What do you do?

The Response Formula

1.  Stand Still:  It sounds obvious but you do not want to be a moving target.  Just stay in one place.  Don’t fidget.

Note:  Practice makes perfect.  Feel free to practice this in the mirror.  What does your body language communicate?  Are your arms folded or are they relaxed and by your side?  Are your hands on your hips or are they in a more natural position?  Keep in mind, you are not on a ball field.  Stand up straight.

2.  Smile At Him:  This is very important.  It invites him to continue the conversation.  This is your welcoming strategy that says to a guy “I am friendly and I welcome your initiation.  I will not shoot down your noble effort to talk to me.”

Note:  I remember feeling like I wanted to decide if I liked the guy first before I would smile at him. Again, I was afraid of the Creepers. This was silly thinking on my part.

Note:   If you smile at him and he turns out to be a Creeper, then just move on.  If you don’t smile at him and he turns out to be a nice guy, then you may blame yourself when he doesn’t continue the conversation or follow-up with a date.  Remember, the idea here is for you to have peace of mind and to be free of regrets about your response.  So smile at him.

Note:  It does not matter if you do not look your best.  Your smile is all that is needed, especially if he is your beloved.

Note:  Gregg reminded me today that it was my mouth that drew him to me.  🙂

3.  Look Him In The Eyes:  This is a way to test his intentions and evaluate his sincerity.  A man who is attracted to you will look you in the eye.  Eye contact is the only allowable contact he has with you so he will try to ‘hold’ you in this manner.

Note:  Eye contact is also a great way to give him the affirmation he needs.  If he is your beloved, he will need your affirmation because meeting you should scare him a bit.  So, look him right in the eyes and smile.

Note:  If you are not comfortable doing this, begin to practice on the people in your life.  Practice looking your Mom, your Dad, your brother, your boss and your coworkers in the eyes.

4.  Engage In Conversation:  Patiently give the guy a chance to generate a decent conversation. Don’t cut the conversation short or try to be coy.  Just stand still, smile, look him in the eyes and let him continue the conversation.  If he starts to lose eye contact, ends the conversation or begins to move away from you, just smile pretty and say, “Nice to meet you.”  If, on the other hand, he asks for your name and number, smile and give it to him.

5.  Go About Your Life:  This is the hardest part. This is where you practice self-containment.  This means that you keep this encounter to yourself.  Don’t tell anyone even if he seems to be the most amazing guy ever.  You will have to stay contained until after 3 dates.

None Of This Is Magic

The above response formula is designed to give you peace.  It will not magically make you more wonderful and it may not result in more dates.  Now that you know the formula, you can apply it to virtually any situation with a man.

Next week, I will share my advice on how to respond to Mr. Fisherman, Mr. Hesitationman, Mr. Sometimeman and Mr. Groupman.   I will save Mr. Onlineman for last!

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!