Repost ~ Are You A Priority Or Just An Option?

This Chastity ministry is very rewarding.  I love seeing girls who have written to me in the past go on to find love with men who are good to them and treat them as a priority.  I love corresponding with girls who stumble across my blog after placing “how to get a man to chase you after you have slept with him” in their search engine. To give you an idea of the searches which direct people to my blog, here is a listing from the last 7 days:


Search terms


It is hard for me to tell girls that this control they desire will fail them.  I often encourage them to ask themselves the question:  Are you are priority or just an option?


Today’s Saturday Repost is from January 2014.  Are You A Priority Or Just An Option?

I pray, as written in the Song of Solomon, that your beloved is as much yours as you are his.

God love you and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

p.s.s.s.s  Write to me anytime:

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Repost ~ Is He Just Practicing?

Hello!  I am still here, praying for you and enjoying the email exchanges from you each week. When responding to emails, I often include a link to a post in the hopes that it will help the girl writing to me.  This offers me the opportunity to re-read past posts and I often think, “I should repost that!”

So, I will prayerfully choose a blog post to repost each week.  My hope is that you are healed and encouraged through them and that the post reaches a girl who may be searching and in need of advice or encouragement.  We also have many new followers to the blog and I welcome each of you.

Here is the link to:  Is He Just Practicing? which first appeared June 20, 2013.

God love and bless you!

Write to me anytime at:

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Let Him Process

What should you do when a guy stops communicating? Do Nothing.


When a guy stops communicating it can mean one of two things.  Either he has decided not to pursue you or he is not sure if he wants to continue to pursue you.  Only one of these is deadly for the relationship.  The other one, when he is not sure, is not always fatal.  In fact, it can, for some men, be an important step.

Everyone is different in the way they come to understand their feelings and how they should proceed.  Some people isolate to think about things.  Some need to talk it through.  Either way, what is important is that the guy decide one way or another rather than sit on the fence forever.  So, if his way of deciding is to isolate, it may mean that he stops communicating….temporarily.

What Should You Do?


Oh goodness, it is so tempting to want to reach out. I mean, things are going so well and you think maybe if you send him a little text to say ‘hi’….you know the drill.  My recommendation is to not contact a guy when he is isolating.  Let him process his feelings.  By contacting him, you will interrupt something very important that happens within a guy as he is trying to decide his future with a girl.  You also send the message to him that he needs help in his pursuit.  I think this can be insulting to men.


As I think back on how Gregg and I started, I am not really sure if he experienced the need to ‘process’ his feelings for me. If he did, I thankfully never noticed.  He called when he said he would call and never left me wondering.

One of the benefits of long distance is the time of absence and how it can make the heart grow fonder.  We had a built-in and natural barrier of the miles between us. This was in the days before texting.  Sure, we had email but I was not instantaneously available to him.  The distance allowed for an enticing amount of mystery about me and my life.

Many girls write to me when they are going through a stressful ‘pause’ in their relationship.  At first, I think ‘oh, this is a bad sign.‘  But, then I remember that some guys require this isolation process.  And afterwards, when they contact the girl, their pursuit is usually stronger.

Once.  Maybe Twice

Keep in mind that these pauses, if they are legitimate, only happen once, maybe twice in a relationship.  Any more than that and I would have concerns about his intentions.  If a guy is taking a pause every week, every month or even every 3 months, then I would say this is not a good sign.  He is not processing.  Instead, he is demonstrating his doubts about you and he is just biding his time until he finds the girl of his dreams.


Chastity is a forcing function or behavior-shaping constraint when it comes to processing intentions and feelings. Although it doesn’t limit the number of pauses, it does allow for more clarity.  When sex is involved, things get cloudy for the girl and there is nothing forcing the guy to think about his intentions. Many things about the relationship and its future are assumed rather than confirmed.  It is a risky assumption.

Hidden Treasure

“…like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field..”   Matthew 13:44

You know the parable, right?.  A man finds a hidden treasure in a field and he sells all that he has to buy the field.  This is what you want.  You want to be thought of as a treasure and for your man to be motivated to give everything in order to have you. Don’t interrupt him in this process of realization.  Do nothing.  Trust in the process.  Trust in the Lord.

You Never Know

The hard part is that you don’t know ahead of time which way he is going to decide.  You won’t know until he goes through the process.

If you are in the middle of this, stay strong.  Don’t interrupt the process.  Don’t contact him.  If you need encouragement and if you think I can help, feel free to write to me.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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“It taught me to hope as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before.” – Mr. Darcy

Yes, yes, I know that Mr. Darcy was horrible at the beginning of Pride and Prejudice.  I also know that many girls watch the movie and think “I can change my awful boyfriend! Just look at how Mr. Darcy changed!” 

Although I will be the first to admit that we cannot always rely on someone to change, I still think that the change in Mr. Darcy is worth examining.  I think it reveals that his attitude and actions are a result of his past wounds and how Elizabeth played a role in bringing about healing in Mr. Darcy.

Mr. Darcy Wounded?

Mr. Darcy’s future was laid out for him as a child.  Lady Catherine de Bourgh tells Elizabeth Bennet that she and Mrs. Darcy planned their children’s betrothal from the time they were infants.  He did not love Lady Catherine’s daughter yet he had this pesky family obligation.  This left him without hope. 

In addition, Mr. Darcy was surrounded by women who left him with little hope of finding a rational creature among them.  First, there was Mr. Bingley’s catty sisters, one of whom, Caroline, made no secret of her designs on him.  He had to rescue his own sister, Georgiana, after she almost stumbled into the dangerous hands of Mr. George Wickham.  And, then there were the Bennet women (Mrs. Bennet, Lydia Bennet) who were only after money, social status and security!  These controlling, catty and conniving women left him cynical, bitter and without hope.  Everyone has a wound and I believe this was his.

Mr. Darcy’s Hope

Mr. Darcy’s background led him to project this wound on all women in the form of cynicism and rejection.  However, Elizabeth was different from these other women.  Oh yes, she had her own wounds which left her a little cynical about her own future vocation.  Yet, although wounded and with little hope for happiness, she kept her dignity about her.  She did not fall for Mr. Darcy while he was in his ‘funk’ nor did she attempt to change him.  Instead, her character and virtue, as well as her accurate response to him, woke him from his selfishness, pride and hopelessness. Her reproof humbled him:

“Your reproof I shall never forget. ‘Had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.’ Those were your words. You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me. …. You thought me then devoid of every proper feeling, I am sure you did. The turn of your countenance I shall never forget, as you said that I could not have addressed you in any possible way that would induce you to accept me.”  Mr. Darcy

The discovery of her character and the integrity of her opinion inspired him to break free of the trap laid before him with Miss de Bourgh. It gave him a spring in his step and a determination to ‘conquer‘ every obstacle.  It taught him that it was possible for a woman to conduct herself with dignity.  It inspired him to have faith that there was a woman in the world capable of not selling out for money and social status.  And, that not all women are manipulative and shallow.  It taught him to hope as he had never allowed himself to hope before.

The Modern Mr. Darcy

I believe many of you are dealing with Modern Day Mr. Darcy’s.  I believe the hook-up, pornography and divorce culture has wounded men too.  I believe it has left them without hope and unable to trust.  And, this leaves them cynical, bitter and selfish.  They are locked up within themselves similar to Mr. Darcy.

You see, I believe that all men want to be inspired out of this cynicism.  And, I believe that virtue is what inspires them. Virtuous women change men. 

Mr Darcy The Look

The Look

Your Influence

Some of you may respond to that last sentence with offense.  Am I blaming you for men’s behavior? No.  Instead, I am sharing my observation about how men need to be inspired and how women have the power to do it. 

Free Will

Some may conclude that men’s behavior and attitudes are a result of their own free will.  I would agree.  The key is in understanding that we have the power to influence other’s free will. And, with men, this influence requires us women to do very little…..other than to not compromise on our standards.

And that is where we will pick up the conversation next time.  God love and bless you!

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Do Men Need Help?

Have you ever had an encountered with a guy who flirts with you but never follows up?  Did you blame yourself?  Where you tempted to follow-up with him in the hopes of it turning into a date?

It is easy to think that your response to a man’s flirtation is either too enthusiastic or too nonchalant and that if you could just strike the perfect balance, you would secure more dates.  It is also easy to believe that if a man does not follow-up, then it is because he needs your help.

We Respond

Emotional Chastity includes the understanding that the responsibility for the initiation, follow-up and pursuit lies on the man.  As the girl, your job is only to respond. So, what is the best way to respond to those initial flirtations by men?  What is the fine line between a proper, balanced response and ‘helping’ the man?  Does he even need your help?

Dropping Your Hanky

I received an email from a girl named Becky asking for my advice.  Becky met a guy who flirted with her during a tour he had given to her and a couple of her friends. His flirting seemed to be directed at her specifically. She was highly attracted to him and he was exactly her type.  From the way she described him, he was gorgeous, successful and confident.  He was also not wearing a ring.

So, Becky did a little research on Facebook and Google.  She learned that he was not married.  Check!  He was Catholic.  Check!  And, that he was also slightly older than her.  Check!  So, she asked me if I thought it would be okay if she sent him a little email thanking him for the tour.

Because of her description of him, I did not feel that he was in need of encouragement from girls.  But, I have been wrong, so wrong, before.  So, I told her that her email could be thought of as an old-fashioned ‘dropping your hanky.’  If he picks it up, great!  If he doesn’t, then she at least knows his intentions towards her.

So, she sent him an email.  He responded with a polite, “You are welcome.  Nice to meet you too!”  It seems he did not need any encouragement from her.  Mr. Gorgeous, Successful and Confident knows how to pursue a girl.  He does not need help.

Examples Of Helping

Oh there are so many examples of ‘helping’ to pick from!  Here are some things that we girls do in order to help the relationship get started or continue:

  • Asking for his number, email, twitter, facebook account
  • Directly asking him out on a date
  • Contacting his mother, sister, brother, best friend
  • Changing Churches in the hopes of running into him
  • Unnaturally placing yourself anywhere in his orbit
  • Sending him an email or text, commenting on his FB page, calling him
  • Frequenting his workspace, workplace, dorm
  • Becoming a doormat in order to make the relationship easy for him

Men Decide, We Consider

Another part of Emotional Chastity is realizing how romance works.  In this post, I wrote:

“…Do not even consider a guy or allow him to occupy your heart or thoughts until he has taken you on 3 dates.  Yes, 3 real dates where he pays and impresses you.  Why?  ….because that gives the guy enough time to decide on you.  And, if he has decided on you, then you can consider him.  But, not until then.  That is just the way it works.  Sigh.”

In the world of romance, men decide on us first and then we get to consider them. My Mom always told me this and I did not believe her. I did not like the consider-this-subset-of-men-only rule. I guess I was concerned that I would not like the men that decided on me and therefore my pool of candidates to consider needed to be expanded through my helpful actions. In my younger years, I was a helper of the doormat variety.  LOL

Trust in the LordFaith

Emotional Chastity begins with the belief that you can trust God and that He has a plan for your life and for your vocation.  Once you have this belief, you will have peace. This peace will guide you in all your actions and responses to men.  It will free you from the belief that you have to help men.


Emotional Chastity also requires that you believe in the Supernatural realm.  It is in that realm where God fulfills His plan.  If your vocation was left simply in the natural realm, then I would advise you to do all you can to capture your man before some other girl gets him.  Help him, call him, email him, text him and chase him.  Be the doormat.

But that is not how God designed us women.  He designed us to be the receivers and the responders.  He designed men to be the initiators and the pursuers.  Therefore, you can count on God to infuse Supernatural grace into your man so that he will not need your help.

Of course, this can only happen within the Supernatural realm of God’s will.  So, stay in His will.  Do not stray from His path.

stop yourselfOnce you wrap your arms around this truth, you will have peace even when guys fail to follow-up with you.  You will be able to stop yourself from following up with them, helping them in their pursuit or becoming the doormat.  You will be able to temper your emotions. You will be able to wait on the Lord and His Supernatural Grace.

How Should You Respond?

You will not know if the man who is flirting with you is the one that God has for you so if a man starts to flirt with you, what should you do?  For example, what if you meet a man at Home Depot and he flirts with you?  What if he asks for your number?  What if he texts you instead of calls you? What if he calls once but never follows up beyond that?  What if he never calls? What if he says, “We should go out sometime.”?

If our job is to respond, what should our response be to each of the above scenarios?  Next week, I will share with you some ideas on how to respond.

God love and bless you!

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A Man’s Perspective on ‘Attraction’


 “In chaste, committed sexual love, I put my emotional center —  I put myself — in the care of another.  We are made free so that we can freely dispose of ourselves as a gift to the other.”

The Truth of Catholicism  by George Weigel

I would love to tell you that I found the above quote by George Weigel but the truth is my wife found it and added it.  However, I will say that I agree with it 100%!  Most men (who are thinking about marriage) want to marry a girl they can trust.  By the time Cindy and I met at age 37, I doubted I would meet and marry a nice, trustworthy, faithful Catholic girl who was also, to me, very physically attractive. 

But once I met Cindy, I changed… I saw something in her eyes and  it caused me to pause.  This part is hard to describe so I will just say that she had an almost immediate effect on me.  We spent the next 3 days sightseeing and enjoying each other’s company and I fell in love.

Us Engaged CropTrue Beauty

What I saw in Cindy’s eyes was her true beauty.  I believe that her soul and her heart were revealed to me. I was scared and even a little sad at first.  I began to realize that here in front of me was a woman I didn’t deserve!  She was so good and I was, well, not so deserving.  Then I remembered what I had prayed for.  I had always asked God to send me a good holy woman who believed what I believed and that just made her even more attractive!

 “…Why does it matter? What does last? – Who you are on the inside. But the crazy part is it doesn’t stop there, because once people know who you are on the inside, that’s what they start to see on the outside too. From my own experience, and from talking to a lot of guys, I can tell you that a girl’s appearance changes, sometimes drastically, as you get to know her. I’ve known any number of girls who, at a glance possessed only average looks, but who, as I got to know the delightful people that they were, actually changed before my eyes to become very attractive (it also goes the other way, but I won’t talk about those girls)….”

Guys On Modesty  ‘A Women’s Heart and Beauty‘  November 8, 2012

I would love to say I found the above post by too BUT, once again, my lovely wife gets the credit.  Just like the first quote, I agree 100%!  I can tell you that I was completely attracted to Cindy’s commitment to go to Mass together and I loved the fact that we could worship Our Lord as a couple.  

Also, I truly respected her condition that I stay in a hotel the entire time I was in town!  This led to my complete commitment to try to be deserving.  It raised the bar in my mind that I would have to really put effort into this relationship if I might make myself worthy of being with this wonderful woman!

From a guy’s perspective, that type of spiritual strength and virtue can significantly enhance a woman’s physical appearance.  I will also say that a physically attractive girl can sadly become unattractive when the spiritual aspect of her personality is lacking.

Don’t Be Hot

You do not have to be what the world describes as “hot.”  Please do not strive for this.  Instead, just do your best to take care of and enhance your physical attributes.  Your love for the Lord and your commitment to Him will seriously multiply your attractiveness in the eyes of the man who God has for you.  And when you add Chastity to the equation, the trust and attraction factor will increase beyond your imagination.

What Is Wrong With Men?

There are still plenty of men out there looking for these traits but alas they are afraid to express this loudly for fear of being taunted by their peers. I had friends that would tease me for saying the honest truth that I did not want to “hook up” but that I wanted to meet someone I could marry. Well, this went on for seven years until I met my beloved.

Some men are really stuck and can’t seem to move beyond their base desires. These men who still value the hot, sexually available girls are not fit for marriage.  They seem to be immature and have fallen for the idea that secular media has sold to them. They think that it is more important that a woman be beautiful in the world’s eyes instead of in God’s eyes. You don’t want those men.  The “sudden vacuum” which Cindy described a couple of weeks ago is inevitable. 

I understand that these men who are stuck in this immature lifestyle can be discouraging for you girls to witness.  But, I want to encourage you with this:  Please don’t underestimate the number of men who are hoping to find you

When I was single, I begged God to help me find a girl like Cindy.  I felt very discouraged and just did not think it was possible.  I had to wait for God to work it all out (seven years).  I think there are a lot of men out there experiencing the same doubt and discouragement so please start praying for your husband.  He can use your prayers, believe me.

Where Is Your Husband?

You may be wondering why in the world you are single given the fact that you are taking care of yourself physically and spiritually.  Where are all the guys who supposedly need you; a nice, trustworthy, Catholic girl?  Where is your husband? 

This is where I would suggest looking in all the “right” places. Maybe decide to try a good Catholic singles website. You may be surprised how many single Catholic guys are out there!  Also, you may consider attending a church bible study or get involved with a parish youth group. I know of a couple fantastic single men at our parish who serve the church as a youth minister and a CCD teacher, for example. These guys are around and they are using their time and talent to serve the Church.  Run towards Christ and then look around to see who’s running with you!

I honestly don’t know where your husband is but God does.  I can assure you that once your future husband meets you, he will value you.  He will thank the Lord for you every day.  He will know he has found a precious wife and that he needs to spend the rest of his life proving he is worthy of you.

The Veil 

As Cindy always says, “Remember you are covered by a veil!  He can’t see you.  But the man who God has for you will be able to see you.  And, he will like what he sees!”

God bless all you beautiful Chastity girls!



Stop Responding To Lame and Inconsistent Initiation

In my post from four weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

This week, I will address #4:  Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation.


Lame and inconsistent chasing by men is a symptom.  I recommend women pay attention to this key symptom because it is often a result of a need of his being met.  You, wonderful you, are fulfilling some or many of his needs and he is under the impression that you are happy to fulfill these needs.

These needs can be physical, emotional or social needs.  Or, it can be simply that you build up his ego by your strong interest in him.  Your chasing, responding and flirtation are making him feel great!  But, it also makes him feel sort of guilty knowing that he doesn’t have the same strong feelings for you or the same vision of your future together dancing in his head.  So, he waxes and wanes in his approach.  He runs hot and cold.  His initiation is lame and inconsistent.

Practice Girl

Have you ever heard of the term practice girl?  Sometimes, not always, guys like to practice on girls who will let them.  They practice their skills in asking a girl out, calling girls, kissing girls, etcetera (yes, etcetera!).  But, the guys know deep down that they are just practicing for the big game (marriage) rather than sincerely pursuing these practice girls.  So, they manage the situation by pushing the emotional boundaries and then pulling back so that the girl’s expectations remain low and in check.

In the meantime, his needs are being met.  His skills are being developed and his confidence in himself is growing.  And, because the girl continues to respond to the lame and inconsistent initiation, he doesn’t feel all that guilty about it….until the girl complains or acts and feels frustrated.

How Will You Know?

As the girl, this will be the symptom to look out for:  you complain and/or act and feel frustrated.  Then, in response to your complaints and frustration, he pulls back instead of addressing your complaint in a way that will completely reassure you.

You see, even your Holy Spouse (the one that God intends for you to marry) will not be perfect in his wooing.  But, once a Holy Spouse realizes his mistake, he self-corrects and does things that will reassure his beloved.  Your Holy Spouse’s feelings for you should very rarely ebb. Rather, they flow and they grow.  Even if he does have a smidgen of doubt, he keeps it to himself in order not to lose you.

But, when you are his practice girl, his feelings will ebb and in response, he will pull back.  So, don’t listen to his words, pay attention to his actions.  Here is a refresher from my past post on genuine, courageous, reassuring chasing:

“Chasing means he tries to draw you into his life. He makes plans with you.  He calls you daily just to hear your voice and make sure you don’t forget about him.  He sees you as a marvelous mystery so he spends his time and energy trying to figure you out and get closer to you.  He envisions a future with you and this, my friend, excites him!”

Are you being loved, cherished, chased and pursued in an impressive and consistent manner?  If not, you may just be a practice girl. Sigh.

No lame and inconsistent behavior will be accepted, thank you.

                                               What Should You Do?

Keep in mind that I think men are awesome, competent and brave when it comes to pursuing the one they want to make their wife. So, I am not saying that men are bad, bad, bad if they practice on girls.  But, they are wrong to do so.  And, we are wrong to allow them to practice on us.  It is incumbent upon us women to discern the man’s intentions by astutely paying attention to his actions. Women have had to do this from the beginning of time.

Of course there are times when the relationship runs its course and the guy decides, after many years, to marry Practice Girl.  He marries her because no other girl (with whom he has true interest) will have him.  So, after much frustration, complaining and cajoling by her, they get married.  I say without a doubt that Practice Girl will have a tough row to hoe.  This is not what you want.

If you discover that you are a practice girl, then all you need to do is stop responding.  Stop responding to phone calls and texts.  If he asks you out on a date, simply smile and say “No, thank you.”  The romance will die a natural death and you will have your dignity intact.

Prepare Yourself

Be prepared to battle doubts that make you feel like your expectations are too high and that you have been too hard on him.  As Katie from It’s Fun To Be a Girl says, “immerse yourself in the Sacraments.”  You will need the strength and grace that only the Sacraments can give you.

If you have been sleeping with him, the sex will result in strong feelings of attachment and this will make it hard for you to judge the romance clearly.

But, try to keep in mind that his lame and inconsistent approach to your romance has led you to believe that you are his practice girl. And, in response to your complaints and frustration, he has failed to convince you otherwise with impressive and consistent actions.  There are not many feelings worse than that.

The Veil

You may be wondering why he pursues you at all if his intentions are not on the up and up?  Well, I believe that in addition to having his needs met, he also likes what he sees in you.  But he can’t fully see you.  I believe that we are all covered by a veil and only the one that God intends for us to marry, our Holy Spouse, can see us fully.

So, his insincere intentions may be completely subconscious rather than openly sinister.  And, your temptation to continue on as Practice Girl, although it is not healthy, is understandable.  But, only through the power of grace and chastity will you have the wisdom and strength to discern the quality of the romance and overcome the temptation to be a practice girl.

Don’t waste your time.  Instead, trust that God has a more dignified role for you; the honorable role as a wife to your Holy Spouse.  Trust that God wants you to be loved, cherished, chased and pursued by your Holy Spouse.  Commit to Chastity.  Wait on your Holy Spouse.  Wait on our dear Lord.

If you are having doubts that God intervenes in our lives when it comes to marriage, check in next week when I share the beautiful Old Testament story of Tobias and Sarah!

God Bless!

Stop Thinking Your Expectations Are Too High

In my post from three weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

This week, I will address #3:  Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.

This seems to be a very common battle that goes on with us women.  We fluctuate between two different beliefs.  The first belief comes from the deepest desires of our hearts and the hope that we will be loved and cherished, chased and pursued by our beloved. 

The second belief happens when that hope is not fulfilled.  It is the false belief that because our hope is not fulfilled, our expectations for being loved and cherished, chased and pursued are too high. So, we start to feel guilty and needy.  We know what we need from a man and yet when we are not receiving it, we start to wonder if it is even possible and are we worth it?  Are our expectations too high?

          Is it Possible?

When I was single, I observed many couples.  Some couples made me think, “That’s the kind of marriage I desire!”  But there were plenty of couples that made me think, “Oh goodness, is that what marriage is like?!  Yikes!”

I’d like to share with you an excerpt from my book because it reminds me of the time in my life when I was not getting what I needed from the guys I was dating.  Just when I was about to give in and believe that maybe my expectations were too high, I would witness the first kind of couple. The kind of couple that reminded me of the kind of marriage I desired and hoped for.  And, my determination and hope would be restored.  Jim and Regan were one of those wonderful couples.  Here is their story:

      “I just received a Christmas card from a couple that I met about 23 years ago.  The husband, Jim, and I were young engineers together working in the same office.  His wife, Regan, had a good job working for a lawyer and later became a stay-at-home Mom.  They were married young and during the time I knew them they had five children.  I lost touch with them about 15 years ago but then I reconnected with them a couple of years ago.  We just send Christmas cards now but it is enough for me to smile and remember them and the impact they had on me.  

     Jim and Regan clearly had what I longed for as a single girl; a happy marriage with a man who would make me feel loved, cherished, chased and pursued.  But, they were special.  They practiced chastity before their marriage and were open to life within their marriage.  Yes, they had five children, which seems like a lot, but they were all ‘wanted” and for the most part, all planned.  They used natural family planning (NFP).  

      My insight into their marriage was provided by Jim and wow did he adore Regan!  It was like nothing I had ever seen before.  God bless Jim because he graciously, but respectfully, witnessed to me about the power of chastity.  I believe the point of him sharing their personal story with me was to encourage me on in my own weakening commitment to chastity.

     Regan was committed to chastity and set the standard high even as a young girl in high school and college.  And, Jim gladly met the standard.  He had to have her.  He had to convince her to marry him.  She wanted to be an actress (locally) but the impressive wooing from Jim convinced her to marry him instead. 

     I wish I could describe to you his face when he would talk about her.  Each time they had a new baby, Regan would visit our office.  She looked so happy.  I mean, she beamed!  Jim told me that several minutes after giving birth she would say, “Let’s do that again!” 

     I have a friend who worked with Regan at the law office.  My friend was a receptionist and would occasionally have to take a phone message for Regan.  She told me that when Regan got a message that read ‘Jim called’, she would get a big smile and her eyes would light up.  The description from my friend led me to believe that Regan somehow floated away on a cloud of happiness. This was a completely independent, but identical, observation by my friend and me about this couple.

     Did they have perfect marriage?  I am certain they had their challenges, especially financially.  Jim drove the old station wagon with the wood panels on the side and Regan drove an old and very big van.  But, they were not caught up in status and materialism which is often a death-blow to marriages.  They had everything their hearts desired.  They had each other and all these cute children that bonded them in love. They had a strong Catholic faith and they lived and practiced it.  They built their life on the Rock rather than on sand and they were firmly grounded.  I knew, even back then, that they could withstand any storm.

     I wanted what they had and was convinced that Regan’s chastity was the key to their bliss.  They practiced NFP so there were times when they chose to abstain from the marital embrace. They were young and very fertile. But, when the door was ‘open’ again, you could almost read it on Jim’s face.  He was a very committed and brilliant engineer.  But, on the “door open” evenings, he left the office promptly at 4:00pm with a spring in his step and a slight blush in his cheek.  The silent message was “Goodbye everyone, I have a date with my wife tonight!”

     So, as I am writing this book, I get this beautiful Christmas card from them, still in love and surrounded by their five grown children. Regan and Jim are still glowing. Ah, chastity.”

 So, yes it is possible. And, no your expectations of being loved, cherished, chased and pursued are not too high.

Superabundance changes our vision!

            Are We Worth It?

My answer here may surprise you.  I visited a girlfriend of mine the other day and we got to chatting about our wonderful husbands.  I shared with her that I think it is amazing that my husband can love me so much given all my faults.  I wasn’t being self-deprecating.  I was stating my belief that his love for me is supernatural and that I believe  Superabundance changes his vision of me. 

I contend that the Superabundance, which results from our chaste marriage, significantly diminishes my faults and almost makes them invisible to my Holy Spouse. I also believe that Superabundance somehow then magnifies my good traits.  Chastity allows for superabundance and good fruits to flow.  These good fruits result in that interior gaze that Blessed Pope John Paul II talks about in his famous Wednesday talks referred to as Theology of the Body.  For example, he said to his General Audience on January 2, 1980:

 Seeing each other, as if through the mystery of creation, man and woman see each other even more fully and distinctly than through the sense of sight itself, that is, through the eyes of the body. They see and know each other with all the peace of the interior gaze, which creates precisely the fullness of the intimacy of persons.” 

So, no I am not worth it.  Not by myself.  Not without the grace of Superabundance.

                The Veil

I contend that we are covered by a veil and only the one that God intends for us to marry, our Holy Spouse, can see us. If you are not being loved and cherished, chased and pursued by the guy you are dating, it has nothing to do with your “worth.”  I contend that it is because he can’t see you.  But, your Holy Spouse will see you and he will like what he sees!

God designed us.  He knows what we women need.  He put those desires in our hearts.  

Your expectations for being loved, cherished, chased and pursued are not too high.  Commit to Chastity.  Wait on your Holy Spouse.  Wait on our dear Lord.

Next week I will discuss why you should stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from men.

God bless!

Stop Chasing Him

In my post from two weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

Last week, I addressed #1: Stop sleeping with him. This week, I will address #2:  Stop chasing him.

Why?  Because men are awesome, competent and brave and they are perfectly capable of doing the chasing and initiating!!  And, when he is the one, he will chase you.  He will want to chase you!


First, I will describe what I mean by “chasing”.  I am not promoting the idea of playing head games. That would be cruel.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect simply by the nature of their human dignity.  Nor am I saying that you should approach your relationships with a ‘tit for tat’ kind of keeping score mentality.  When he is the one, it is impossible to keep score because of all the generosity, giving and smiling going on.

What I mean by “chase” is that he is slightly ahead of you emotionally.  You might be thinking, “How can he be ahead of me and chase me at the same time?”  Ah, life is a paradox, isn’t it?  Chasing means he tries to draw you into his life.  He makes plans with you.  He calls you daily just to hear your voice and to make sure you don’t forget about him.  He sees you as a marvelous mystery so he spends his time and energy trying to figure you out and get closer to you.  He envisions a future with you and this, my friend, excites him!

Anthony Buono, the founder of writes in this article:

“You are a woman.  A woman has mystery.  A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery.  A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms.”

Just like we girls struggle with finding Mr. Right, men struggle with finding a girl they believe they can marry and be happy with.  If that girl is the one for him and if she is virtuous, trustworthy and attractive to him, then he will pursue with gusto!

What I am saying is that if he is interested in you, he will chase you.  If he is **not** interested in you, he will either not chase you at all or his chasing will be lame and inconsistent (more on this in a couple of weeks).

Chasing Examples

Here are some examples of chasing:

Marianne Dashwood gets the devastating news that Willoughby married a different girl.

  1. You haven’t heard from him in a couple of days and you are feeling like he has forgotten you.  So, you nonchalantly give him a call or send him a text.  You know, just to say ‘hi”.  But, deep down your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!”  He is happy to hear from you and apologizes for not calling sooner.  He has been super busy with work and stuff and time just got away from him.  Sound familiar?
  2. You do the Marianne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) thing and send him all kinds of texts (Marianne sent Willoughby numerous letters which went unanswered and were returned unopened) and constantly comment on his Facebook page. Your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!” as well as a sense of possession that can be smothering.
  3. His sister is getting married and you are not sure if he plans to take you to the wedding. So, you drop all kinds of hints. You contact his sister and volunteer to help out wherever you can with the wedding. You insert yourself into an event you haven’t been invited to. Your actions (chasing) are tolerated by him but you are left with the feeling that if you had not initiated, you would be sitting home during the blessed event.
  4. You initiate “the talk.” He reassured you that everything is fine but deep down you still feel unsure about his intentions, your future together and his feelings toward you.

The above examples all sound innocent enough.  You may be thinking, “I am an equal in this relationship, therefore I can initiate phone calls, relationship talks and invite myself to weddings.”  Sure, you can.  But, it is not emotionally smart and it will make you feel more insecure rather than less.

In the words of Anthony Buono, “A man can tell when he is dealing with an impatient woman. “

Why Not Initiate?

The reason you should stop chasing and initiating is because he is perfectly capable of chasing you!  But, he will only chase you and initiate things if he is really interested in you.  And, when he is the one his chasing and initiation will be consistent and impressive!

No, no, he is not “afraid” of relationships and he is not “intimidated” by you.  Those worn out excuses are code for the fact that he is not interested enough in you to chase you or he is just too immature to overcome himself and complete his mission.

Again, wisdom from Anthony Buono:  “Men pursue. He will pursue if he is interested.”

He is more than capable of initiating and leading the relationship so let him!  Let him take the lead and then respond to his courageous initiation with a big smile and enthusiasm.  That is pretty much all men need.

Just Smile and Respond With Enthusiasm

I speak from experience.  See all those chasing examples above?  Well, umm, although they are a bit embellished and the details are altered, I may have been guilty of one or two during my single days with guys who were not the one.

But, with my husband, none of that happened.  He was so incredibly interested in me that I never wondered how he felt about me.  I never wondered when I would hear from him again or see him next.  He would tell me what to expect and then follow through.  I never wondered if I would be included in his life.  He was drawing me into his life!  I never had to initiate “the talk” because he was always talking about us and me and how wonderful I am (funny what Superabundance can do!).  And you know what my role was?  I smiled sweetly and responded to his initiation with genuine enthusiasm.  It was so easy!

The Veil

Here is the thing.  When he is the one, he pursues you.  If he is not pursuing you, he is not the one and there is very little you can do about it.  Keep in mind that you are covered by a veil so no matter what you do or how wonderful you are, unless he is the one, he will not see you and therefore he cannot appreciate you.  His initiation will wax and wane.  His pursuit will be lame and inconsistent.  He will run hot and cold.

He is not a bad guy. He is awesome, competent and brave. He just can’t see you.  He only catches glimpses of you and what he sees he likes but it is not the whole vision of you.  Don’t get mad about it.  Give the guy a break and realize what is going on.  This guy is not the one so just let him go.  Stop chasing him and the situation will die a natural death.

Then, you must strive toward virtue (more on this in a future post) and commit to Chastity.  This will ensure that you are ready for the guy who is the one.

In my next post we will talk about expectations and I will encourage you to stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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