Let Him Process

What should you do when a guy stops communicating? Do Nothing.


When a guy stops communicating it can mean one of two things.  Either he has decided not to pursue you or he is not sure if he wants to continue to pursue you.  Only one of these is deadly for the relationship.  The other one, when he is not sure, is not always fatal.  In fact, it can, for some men, be an important step.

Everyone is different in the way they come to understand their feelings and how they should proceed.  Some people isolate to think about things.  Some need to talk it through.  Either way, what is important is that the guy decide one way or another rather than sit on the fence forever.  So, if his way of deciding is to isolate, it may mean that he stops communicating….temporarily.

What Should You Do?


Oh goodness, it is so tempting to want to reach out. I mean, things are going so well and you think maybe if you send him a little text to say ‘hi’….you know the drill.  My recommendation is to not contact a guy when he is isolating.  Let him process his feelings.  By contacting him, you will interrupt something very important that happens within a guy as he is trying to decide his future with a girl.  You also send the message to him that he needs help in his pursuit.  I think this can be insulting to men.


As I think back on how Gregg and I started, I am not really sure if he experienced the need to ‘process’ his feelings for me. If he did, I thankfully never noticed.  He called when he said he would call and never left me wondering.

One of the benefits of long distance is the time of absence and how it can make the heart grow fonder.  We had a built-in and natural barrier of the miles between us. This was in the days before texting.  Sure, we had email but I was not instantaneously available to him.  The distance allowed for an enticing amount of mystery about me and my life.

Many girls write to me when they are going through a stressful ‘pause’ in their relationship.  At first, I think ‘oh, this is a bad sign.‘  But, then I remember that some guys require this isolation process.  And afterwards, when they contact the girl, their pursuit is usually stronger.

Once.  Maybe Twice

Keep in mind that these pauses, if they are legitimate, only happen once, maybe twice in a relationship.  Any more than that and I would have concerns about his intentions.  If a guy is taking a pause every week, every month or even every 3 months, then I would say this is not a good sign.  He is not processing.  Instead, he is demonstrating his doubts about you and he is just biding his time until he finds the girl of his dreams.


Chastity is a forcing function or behavior-shaping constraint when it comes to processing intentions and feelings. Although it doesn’t limit the number of pauses, it does allow for more clarity.  When sex is involved, things get cloudy for the girl and there is nothing forcing the guy to think about his intentions. Many things about the relationship and its future are assumed rather than confirmed.  It is a risky assumption.

Hidden Treasure

“…like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field..”   Matthew 13:44

You know the parable, right?.  A man finds a hidden treasure in a field and he sells all that he has to buy the field.  This is what you want.  You want to be thought of as a treasure and for your man to be motivated to give everything in order to have you. Don’t interrupt him in this process of realization.  Do nothing.  Trust in the process.  Trust in the Lord.

You Never Know

The hard part is that you don’t know ahead of time which way he is going to decide.  You won’t know until he goes through the process.

If you are in the middle of this, stay strong.  Don’t interrupt the process.  Don’t contact him.  If you need encouragement and if you think I can help, feel free to write to me.  theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

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3 thoughts on “Let Him Process

  1. Pingback: 7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 107 | The Veil of Chastity

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