7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 48

Posted on September 27, 2013 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: Sexual Attraction! What can you expect? Does our idea of sexual attractiveness change over time and if so, how? Do you have a question about a certain guy in your life? Does he have great character yet not exactly meet your physical ideal? Are you wondering if you should trade-off some less important aspects (stature, earning potential, receding hairline) in order to be married? Write to me and I will be happy to chat with you about it!

— 2 — Next week’s post: Should a girl pursue a guy? I know I am arriving late to the party on this topic but I do want to share my thoughts. And Gregg’s thoughts. Some things may surprise you….

— 3 — Not Alone Series: This week’s topic was about NFP. This week has been so crazy for me and therefore I did not get to read the girl’s posts until Wednesday night. I brought the Kindle Fire to bed with me and sat and read each post. All of them were excellent but when I got to Laura’s post on Catholic Cravings, I busted out laughing at the graphic she used to describe the pre-menstrual phases. Gregg was like “oh yes, that is so true. Especially the dragon!” The best part was that as I am reading Laura’s post, I got an email from her indicating she “liked” my post this week. How is that for timing? Anyway, go check her out here! Great job, Laura!

— 4 — NFP: We have used it throughout our marriage to conceive and it worked at least 3 times. Other than while I was pregnant with our son, we have not had to abstain. So, that is one benefit of marrying later, I guess! 🙂 I do wish I would have become more familiar with it before we were married, although I am not sure it would have made a difference in the number of children we conceived. What I found fascinating is the exactness of it. It revealed to me a greater order of things and a beauty to our design as women.

— 5 — Spotlight on: Emily Stimpson is amazing! I just love her and everything she writes. Did you see her article, Is Pope Francis Talking To Me?

“….That’s not going to be a comfortable path. It’s going to take a whole lot of poking and prodding to keep me on it. That’s what Francis seems to be trying to do, poking and prodding, keeping all of us—faithful and unfaithful—from getting too comfortable. I’m not going to say to No to that prodding. Like it or not, I need it….”

— 6 — Book Reviews: I am working on several book reviews. Here is what happens to me: I get a book. I read the book at night and I quickly fall asleep. It takes me what seems like forever to get through a simple book. Here are the books I am reading and will be doing book reviews on in the future:

a. Worthy ~ By Amanda Mortus (done)

b. Real Men Don’t Text ~ By Ruthie and Michael Dean (almost done)

c. These Beautiful Bones ~ By Emily Stimpson (When it finally arrives. It is on back order!)

— 7 — The Imitation of Christ: The only way to Life and True Inner Peace.

“Everything is founded on the cross… There is no other way to life, nor to true inner peace… Walk where you will, seek what you will; you will find neither a loftier way above nor a safer way below, but only the way of the holy cross.”

God love and bless you!

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For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Sexual Attraction

Posted on September 25, 2013 by theveilofchastity

Last week I promised to talk about sexual attraction! As you may have guessed, I do feel it is an important component when considering a man for marriage, primarily for this reason:

“…you will be sleeping with this man and sharing the marital embrace with him for the rest of your life! He will know if you are not sexually attracted to him!”

So, if sexual attraction is important, what can you reasonably expect when considering a man’s offer of marriage? Why does it seem that the men you are sexually attracted to are not the men who are pursuing you for marriage? Finally, does our idea of sexual attraction change over time and if so, how does this happen?

What Can You Expect?

I love Elisabeth Elliot’s book, Passion and Purity. In Chapter 6 of the book, she tells us about a young pretty girl who is determined to marry a ‘handsome and wealthy’ man. I cannot do the story justice so I am going to let you read the super-short 3-page chapter (page 42-44) for yourself.

Elisabeth: “What if God chose for you a man who is homely and poor?

Pretty Girl: “Oh, but He wouldn’t!”

Elisabeth: “Why not?”

Pretty Girl: “Because He loves me.”

The Snakes Reasoning

Ah, the snake’s reasoning. I remember reading this chapter when I was single and thinking that sexual attraction may be something I will have to do without. If I get a husband at all, I thought, I should just be grateful and not complain about the lack of sexual attraction. Based on my experience, I was sure that if God had a man for me, he was going to be someone I was only marginally attracted to.

You see, the men to whom I was sexually attracted were not the ones proposing marriage to me. Yet, it seemed that I could easily capture the interest and attention of the ones I did not find sexually attractive. The negative effect was two-fold for me:

Self-Doubt: If only I was more attractive, I could capture the interests of the men I was attracted to.

Guilt: If only I wasn’t so picky, I could accept the ones that were attracted to me.

Change My Heart/Change My Vision

When I see photos of the 20-year-old Gregg, I have to be honest and say that he was not my type (sorry Gregg). He was into his career in the rock band, away from his faith and living under the influence of the culture. He was just beginning to be pruned and healed by God. Like everyone, he had some things to work out.

I also needed pruning and healing. God needed to first change my heart and teach me what was important. Then, He changed my vision so that when Gregg and I finally met, I could see Gregg the way I needed to see him. God had to first form Gregg into the man he needed to be. The only way God was able to heal both of us was through time, suffering, healing, pruning and experience. By the time we met at 37, I was very attracted to Gregg physically, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. My vision had truly changed.

How Our Vision Changes

My original approach to discussing Sexual Attraction was to try to convince you to examine what you are looking for in a husband and then figure out what to trade-off. But, when I look at my own experience, I really did not have to trade-off anything.

I sincerely believe that God has to change our vision through His healing grace. It is not something that we can do for ourselves although we are required to participate in the process.

Healing

When you read this it might look like I am saying that you are single because you need to be pruned and healed. Please don’t misunderstand me. I have no idea what is causing the delay in your vocation.

Yet, it is easy to see a trend in the culture that causes delayed marriage and it is these same trends (the hook-up culture, contraception, cohabitation, abortion, divorce) which are causing the wounds. These are the wounds that need to be healed in all of us. And, that healing takes time.

Remember God our Father is committed to healing you. He designed sex and wants you to have a healthy sexual relationship with your husband. God knows exactly how to heal you. I want to encourage you that God is “working all things for good.” Let go of the self-doubt and the guilt and instead embrace the healing. Participate and trust in the process.

Pruning

Did you see this post by Arleen Spenceley where she interviewed Audrey Assad? I loved what Audrey said about ‘sanctification‘ and ’tilling the ground’ in her tips for singles. She accurately described what I mean by ‘pruning.’

Arleen Spenceley: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

Audrey Assad: Single life is just as much a path to holiness as marriage is, so don’t miss the occasions of sanctification while they’re still there! Enjoy it as much as you can, and seize the opportunities for holiness that exist in your current state in life.

Arleen Spenceley: And a second tip for singles?

Audrey Assad: If you’re called to marriage, you’ll be a better and more whole spouse if you till the ground of your heart during your single years.

Time, Chastity and Superabundance

We all need to be pruned and healed of our ideas of what we want in marriage when it comes to sexual attraction. If this is a stumbling block for you, I want to encourage you that a man whom you might not be attracted to at 20 years old, may be very attractive to you when he is 25 or 30 or even 37. But, you must commit to staying out of the culture’s traps which will wound you in the meantime.

I am firm believer that God will supernaturally infuse all that is needed in this department, as long as Chastity is present prior to and after marriage. A lack of Chastity will keep your eyes from seeing a person with eyes of love and attraction. Unchaste behavior causes more wounds and delays the much-needed healing. Chastity, however, leads to wholeness and an ordered life. It allows you to see clearly and it allows for the veil to be lifted at the right time and with the right person.

Till The Ground

What qualities are you attracted to in a man? Are you able to see sexual attractiveness in a man based on him displaying these qualities and virtues?

Generosity, HUMILITY, consideration, a good conversationalist, a good listener, a practice of faith, intellect, personal cleanliness, authentic masculinity, a sense of purpose, kindness, the way he looks at you, a desire to make you happy

If not, keep praying and living the Sacramental life. Accept the pruning and healing that comes from the single life. Let God ’till the ground’ of your heart. Trust that God knows exactly what He is doing in preparing you for your vocation. Keep praying for your husband; that he will be pruned and healed so that he can see in you what he needs to see.

God love and bless you!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 47

Posted on September 20, 2013 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: Equally Yoked. Check out the wisdom in the comment section and the link provided by Tienne!

— 2 — This Week: The shooting at the Navy Yard was quite scary for those of us who work on a Naval base. Our base went on high alert and there was a time when we believed it was not an isolated crime. Several of those killed were from our local area. A very scary day. I found myself spending less time on the computer and extra time putting love on my family this week.

— 3 — Spotlight On: Did you see this article by Mary Beth Bonacci? What the Church Really Teaches About Sex & Marriage

— 4 — Spotlight On: Did you see this post by Dorothy Cummings McLean over at Seraphic Singles? Don’t Be His Cooky-Baking Slave

— 5 — Spotlight On: Did you see this post over at the Chastity Project? How do you know if a guy loves you or wants to use you?

— 6 — Emily Stimpson: She has a new book called These Beautiful Bones! I pre-ordered mine on Amazon and cannot wait for it to arrive. Check out this promo video!!

— 7 — Hives: I broke out in itchy hives both Tuesday and Wednesday evening. I wasn’t sure if it was from gluten that I accidentally ingested on Monday. I took Benadryl both nights which helped it subside until the next evening. So on Thursday, I had a straight-up plain lunch consisting of eggs, bacon and grits. And I did not break out in hives. So, I am thinking I have a soy allergy that is exasperated by hormonal fluctuations. Sigh. Just call me Dr. Google.

p.s. what is up with WordPress tonight? Weird font and craziness.

God love and bless you!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Equally Yoked

Posted on September 18, 2013 by theveilofchastity

Last week, I responded to a reader’s question about when to ‘pass’ on offers of romance. She was wondering if the last man she dated was her last chance at marriage. I listed 8 issues and encouraged everyone to avoid men with those issues, even if you believe he was your last chance. The issues included men who are not free to marry (in the Church), those that are not open to life, as well as, those who are mean or irresponsible. Two of the issues, #7 and #8, could be described as “negotiable”, given certain guidelines:

#7. He is not Catholic: This may be a negotiable for some of you. It was not for me. If it is a negotiable, then he cannot have a negative attitude towards your faith. He must be supportive and respectful. If not, pass on this offer.

#8. You are not sexually attracted to him: Okay, girls, I put this one last because it is the least important. However, keep in mind that you will be sleeping with this man and sharing the marital embrace with him for the rest of your life! He will know if you are not sexually attracted to him. If you cannot bear the thought of sharing the marital embrace with him, pass on this offer.

Since both of these topics are complex, I decided to focus on #7 this week and #8 next week.

What is Important?

So let’s say you have an offer of romance from a guy who is free to marry in the Church, open to life, kind, consistent in his pursuit, free from serious addiction and gainfully employed….but he is not Catholic? Given this somewhat lesser issue, how will you decide if it is a deal breaker? How will you know if it is a good idea to accept his offer of romance and allow for the potential for marriage?

WWJD + Darwin?

Not Catholic

When a couple has different faiths and beliefs, they are said to be unequally yoked. If you are a practicing devout Catholic and he is not, then your faith and beliefs are different. Marriage in the Catholic Church is a Sacrament. That means it ‘does’ something. Similar to Baptism and Confession, the Sacramental aspect of Matrimony expresses visibly what God is doing invisibly. Two become one. It imparts Grace which is God’s own Divine life.

That Grace must be replenished. Grace is imparted, again through a Sacramental life, throughout the marriage. It is imparted primarily through the Sacrament of the Mass, the Holy Eucharist and Confession, as well as, the life-giving aspect of the marital embrace.

If you marry a man who rejects the truth of this invisible work and imparting of Grace, then you will have one person (you) believing this and the other person (him) not believing it. You will indeed be unequally yoked.

Yoked

As a ‘yoked’ couple, Faith and Truth will be required for day-to-day living. How you handle everything from child rearing to spending money will depend upon the direction you are going as a yoked couple. If he is pulling one way and you are pulling the other way, then a struggle will ensue.

For Gregg and me, our faith is integrated into every aspect of our life. It gives our conversations and decisions depth and purpose. If one of us is challenged at work, the other will pray for them. Whenever we talk about a problem or a suffering, our faith in Christ is in the center of the solution. I just can’t imagine being yoked to someone who does not share my philosophical or theological view of life and eternity.

I Will Convert Him!

Yes, there are many stories of husbands who have a strong faith conversion after marriage. But, I think going into marriage with the expectation of a faith conversion is risky and slightly unfair. If he is supportive and respectful toward your faith, is free from the negative issues we discussed, and you love him, then this may be an acceptable ‘negotiable’ for you. However, consider these guidelines:

1. He must agree to a Sacramental marriage in the Church with a full wedding Mass, be completely open to life and agree to raise your children Catholic.

2. You must accept that you will be ‘carrying’ the family from a spiritual standpoint and you must take this responsibility to heart. I know of several women who are disappointed in their husbands because they will not go to Mass with them or because they are lukewarm spiritually. I think the wives need to accept this cross and rather than complain about or nag their husbands, they should remain faithful in their own relationship with the Lord and His Church.

Are you ready for this cross and this responsibility? If not, pass on this offer. If so, then this may be a perfectly acceptable marriage option for you. Don’t underestimate the impact that a virtuous wife can have on a husband.

Catholic But Not On Fire

Some of you girls may be looking for the Catholic guy who is as on fire for the Lord as you are. Yet, there may be a Catholic guy who is seeking to romance you but he is not overly committed in his faith. May I encourage you to consider this man?

Keep in mind that most of us are poorly catechized Catholics. You may be pretty far down the road on your faith journey and your relationship with the Lord. He, however, may be just starting on his journey. That is okay. If he cooperates with your commitment to Chastity and would be open to life once you were married, then this guy could make you very happy. If he starts to go to Mass regularly after meeting and dating you (especially together!), then that is a great sign.

When Gregg and I met, he was attending Mass regularly and was at the beginning of his strong faith journey. I, on the other hand, was further along in my faith journey. I was teaching Catechism and had studied apologetics because I had to learn to defend my Catholic faith.

However, Gregg often tells others that he was inspired by me to learn about our Catholic Faith. And, today, after almost 11 years of marriage, he surpasses me in many ways spiritually. He will be the one to attend a bible study, say a rosary, pray daily for those with cancer, speak boldly about the need for God in our lives, encourage others to live a Sacramental life, show compassion and act charitably with our time, talent and treasure.

My point is don’t reject a Catholic guy who appears to be “behind” you spiritually. Look at other qualities, especially:

Generosity, HUMILITY, consideration, kindness
a good conversationalist, a good listener, a well-formed conscience
intellect, personal cleanliness, authentic masculinity, a sense of purpose, steady employment
the way he looks at you, a desire to make you happy

If he has a good number of those qualities, then there is only one more thing to consider…..Sexual Attraction!

And that will be our topic for next week!

Edit: Please take a look at what Tienne wrote in the comments section and be sure to check out her post where she shares her wisdom on this topic!

God love and bless you!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 46

Posted on September 13, 2013 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: Was He My Last Chance? Is sexual attraction important? What influences sexual attraction? Check out my post next week where I expand on that topic!

— 2 — Ruthie Dean: Remember Ruthie and Michael Dean, the authors of the just-released book, Real Men Don’t Text? Well, Ruthie responded to my email and said she would be open to doing an interview! I have some great questions but please let me know if you have any questions for her.

Have you ordered their book? If so, what do you think? I am about halfway through the book and I will post my review next month. In the meantime, I found this gem by Ruthie.

— 3 — No Alone Series: This week’s topic was: Can Women Pursue Men? There were some really good posts with a variety of answers. I asked Gregg over lunch yesterday what he would have thought if I had been the one to pursue him. He said that there is a difference between initiating contact and pursuing. Do you want to know how that discussion went? I know I am coming late to the party but I do plan on writing a post about it and sharing it in a couple of weeks.

— 4 — Spotlight On: This week’s spotlight is on Claire from Everything Is Grace for her post in the Not Alone Series where she answers the question, Can Women Pursue Men? Since it was my fave, you most likely can guess what her thoughts were. But, don’t guess! Go here and read her very balanced and honest post!

— 5 — Strict Mother: Our son is reading The Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Apparently, the story has an older brother in it who is not always nice to his younger brother. So, I took the opportunity to point out to our son, who suffers as an only child, that older siblings are not always what they are cracked up to be. They can sometimes be mean. This was funny his response:

“Well, since you are such a strict Mother (no offense), I believe that you would be able to keep it under control. From what I’ve experienced!!”

— 6 — God’s consolations: So, this was sort of a rough week in our house. You know, with a 3rd grader and all. Just when I thought I was the only one who has a child who is not perfect, God sent me a consolation. I had to be shown that even the sweet and seemingly perfect and responsible children forget to bring their stuff home. I was gently reminded of this when I got a call from the Mom of a girl in our son’s class asking me to read their vocabulary words to her over the phone. You see, her daughter (who seems very responsible) forgot to bring her spelling book home. And, it wasn’t the first time it has happened since school began 3 short weeks ago.

The amazing thing is that this Mom could have called any of the other 20 parents in the class. But, the Holy Spirit must have led her to dial my number so that I would know that no one has a perfect child and that I should not expect mine to be. All you have to do is ask my Mom how responsible I was as a child and you will most likely just receive a sweet smile. She is very gracious that way. Not willing to remember anything bad about her kids. 🙂

— 7 — My Mom: She is visiting with us this weekend to go to Grandparent’s Day at our son’s school today! I am so excited she is here! Have I mentioned how wonderful she is? Really, I could not have been blessed with a more amazing Mother. I am so thankful because I know that there are many who don’t have good Moms. She is the main reason I wrote my book and then eventually started this blog. I had to pass on what she taught me. When much is given, much is expected. I have certainly been given much.

God love and bless you!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Was He My Last Chance?

Posted on September 9, 2013 by theveilofchastity

It is Not the…

A reader recently wrote to me asking if I felt she had been a fool to pass on the last guy she dated. Without revealing details, it was clear to me that she made the correct decision to pass on his offers of romance.

Her question was not foreign to me. After each break up, I wondered the same thing. “Was he my last chance at marriage?” “Was I a fool to break things off with him?” “Am I being too picky?” And, the longer you are single, the more pronounced these doubts become.

Pass On This Offer

Here are some good reasons to pass on offers of romance:

1. He is married: And by this I mean that he is not free to marry you. Even if he is divorced, an annulment is mandatory even before you can start dating him. In the meantime, pass on this offer.

2. His pursuit is Lame and Inconsistent: Go here to read about this. This is the important part:

“…As the girl, this will be the symptom to look out for: you complain and/or act and feel frustrated. Then, in response to your complaints and frustration, he pulls back instead of addressing your complaint in a way that will completely reassure you….”

Don’t be a practice girl. Pass on this offer. Oh, and read the book, Real Men Don’t Text.

3. He refuses to have children with you if you were to marry: If he has an annulment but also has had a vasectomy, then he needs to be willing (not just open to the idea but willing) to have a reversal. His age is not an excuse. This is especially true when you, as the future wife, have a strong desire for children.

Either way, today reversals are no big deal. If the guy was willing to go under the knife to have his fertility snipped, then, he should be more than willing to go through a reversal to have it potentially restored. Seriously, marital love will die unless the couple is open to life. If he has the reversal and still no children result, then your marital love will not be at risk. You as a couple have done everything in your power to cooperate with God. Anything other than that, pass on this offer.

4. He is mean or selfish: Does he drive recklessly? Does he gamble or spend money recklessly? Does he talk disparaging about his Mother? Is he always angry towards his boss, his coworkers or his job? Does he act as if everything is the fault of others and that his life is one big rip-off? Is he prejudice against others who are not like him? Does he not pay for dates? Oh girl, pass on this offer.

5. He is irresponsible: He must have a job or spend 8 hours a day looking for a new job. Look at his track record with regard to work . He does not need to make a lot of money, but he does need to understand his role as the provider. Money is not the issue, your respect for him is. If he doesn’t have a job and is not looking for one, pass on this offer.

6. He is currently dealing with an addiction: These include but are not limited to: alcohol, drugs, excessive financial success, porn. Don’t try to save him. Only the Lord’s grace can free him from these chains. Let the thought of winning your love be his motivation (from a safe distance without communication). In the meantime, pass on this offer.

7. He is not Catholic: This may be a negotiable for some of you. It was not for me. If it is a negotiable, then he cannot have a negative attitude towards your faith. He must be supportive and respectful. If not, pass on this offer.

8. You are not sexually attracted to him: Okay, girls, I put this one last because it is the least important. However, keep in mind that you will be sleeping with this man and sharing the marital embrace with him for the rest of your life! He will know if you are not sexually attracted to him. If you cannot bear the thought of sharing the marital embrace with him, pass on this offer.

You may even get harassed by family and friends for passing on offers of romance with guys who have any of those 8 issues. This one stupid scene in When Harry Met Sally has put fear in women over the last 24 years:

At Least You Could Say You Were Married??

Yes, if you accept the offer of a man with any of the 8 issues listed above, then at least you can say you were married. That is, if he really proposes and marries you. But, you will spend valuable time dating him when you could be free to date and marry a guy without all those issues.

And, you will always wonder about the possibilities you missed out on by not waiting for a guy who is available, completely into you, open to life, generous, responsible, free from serious addiction, Catholic (or at least respectful of your faith) and sexually attractive (to you).

The Veil

I believe the virtue of Chastity provides a hedge of protection against the 8 issues above. I call the hedge of protection The Veil. The purpose of this post is to support you when others say “What was wrong with him?” or “You’re too picky”. I want to reassure you that you have made the right decision to pass on the offer of romance from any guy with those 8 issues. The Veil has accomplished its purpose and your decision to pass on his offer is a sacrifice that will bear fruit.

Deep Dive into #7 and #8

I have much more to say about issue #7 and #8, especially as it pertains to the supernatural aspect of chastity and The Veil. I will also reiterate that when he is the right man, you will know. I will expand on my thoughts in next week’s post.

God love and bless you!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 45

Posted on September 6, 2013 by theveilofchastity

— 1 — This Week’s Post: Wisdom and Hope in a Secular World ~ A Guest post by Britt This post has received lots of hits so far this week. Great job, Britt!

— 2 — Pray and Fast for Syria: Let us storm heaven and beg for God’s mercy!

— 3 — No Alone Series: This week the girls talked about Peace. I loved everything the girls wrote about so be sure to check them out. A couple of posts jumped out at me. Veronica from In The Palms of His Hands wrote something I can relate to:

“….When I’m really stressed, I clean. It’s productive, takes my mind off my problem, and makes me feel like I’m in control of something. ..”

Morgan from Follow and Believe wrote something along the same lines which definitely is true for me:

“…I make an effort on a daily basis to shake off laziness in order to keep my peace. I always feel unsettled going to be at night when I know that I was just a slug of a person that day…”

— 4 — Spotlight On: This week the spotlight is on Ruthie and Michael Dean. On Wednesday, their book, Real Men Don’t Text, was released. I started reading and I can’t wait to do my book review. They have been putting snippets from the book on their website and so far I am in total agreement with their wisdom and advice. I sent them an email asking them to do a guest post where they talk about the idea of the veil being true (or not) in their experience. I didn’t hear back from them…but I am sure they are busy! From what I can tell, it seems like she experienced rejection, rejection, rejection, rejection and then voila’! Things with Michael were completely different. So, I wonder what she would say about the veil theory?? If you would like to hear from Ruthie (and Michael!), head on over to their blog and give them some blog love in their comments section. Maybe let them know you would like to see a guest post from them! Here and here are examples of snippets from their book!

— 5 — Jen’s New 7QTs Took Kit: So, Jen (from Jumping in Puddles) clued me in on Jen’s (from Conversion Diary) snazzy took kit for snazzy 7QTs formatting. I guess I am not as snazzy or savvy as I thought. I tried to do this but failed. Now you know that this blog is a complete miracle and that every post is a result of the mercy of God.

— 6 — Book of Jeremiah: Be not afraid, “I am with you”, says the Lord.

“….The word of the LORD came to Jeremiah: “You, prepare yourself; stand up and tell them all that I command you. Do not be terrified on account of them, or I will terrify you before them; For I am the one who today makes you a fortified city, a pillar of iron, a wall of bronze, against the whole land: against Judah’s kings and princes, its priests and the people of the land. They will fight against you, but not prevail over you, for I am with you to deliver you—oracle of the LORD….” Jeremiah 1:17-19

— 7 — Book of Sirach: This truth about our Lord gives me Peace:

“…He plumbs the depths and penetrates the heart; their innermost being he understands. The Most High possesses all knowledge, and sees from of old the things that are to come: He makes known the past and the future, and reveals the deepest secrets. No understanding does he lack; no single thing escapes him….” Sirach 42:15-25

God love and bless you!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Wisdom and Hope in a Secular World ~ Guest Post by Britt

Posted on September 2, 2013 by theveilofchastity

No introductory words from me can summarize all the wisdom and hope contained in this guest post by Britt from Proverbial Girlfriend. Britt, thank you so very much.

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Wisdom & Hope for the Single Girl in a Secular World

First, a thank you to Cindy for this opportunity to guest post. I am humbled by her kind words and in praise of her ministry to us young women. While we respectfully disagree on some of the details of the mysteries of life, we both value our dignity as daughters of God and want to encourage young women to live it out as they discern their vocation to the married life.

Last week I found myself belting out the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s latest ear worm “22.” While the real song is catchy, I found I was reminiscing, not relating, to the lyrics. If I relate to anything at 28, it is to most of the experiences of the slightly older woman in the parody video spoofing it called “32.”.

It’s funny because it’s true, I thought. But sometimes it’s also sad and scary to think that in 3.5 short years I could be like her and never again have the youthful verve of me in my early twenties still trying to figure things out. And finding it harder and harder not to succumb to the current culture’s prescriptions for this life.

Having been an adult single Catholic woman living in a secular world but striving not to be of it for a whole decade, I feel like in some respects I’ve been around the city block and could tell you a thing or too. So here’s some wisdom, followed by a dash of hope for the slightly older single gal in the secular world:

It’s Not For Pete’s Sake:

When I started dating at 22 (really!) and then enduring the inevitable single phases in between CatholicMatch-es, I often thought I only had to do something, and then I’d get Pete, the boyfriend who would become fiancée. Things like:

– improve myself and be more holy

– lead my brother back to Christ, because then I’d know I could lead a husband and family to Him, too

– “believe it and be satisfied.” I, too, in my happy-side of 25, loved this poem. And I believed that if I became wholly satisfied with God and Jesus, Pete would appear in my pew on Sunday.

Uhm, no. After a few years of striving and making some headway into my spiritual life and that of mine around me, I realized that a man is not quid pro quo from your prayer to God. Because our primary vocation is to know God, to love Him, and serve Him so we may one day be united with Him, it is for His sake that we grow in virtue, evangelize, and seek a personal relationship with Him. If you find yourself overloaded with activities or frustrated that all your efforts are getting you nowhere relationship-wise, step back and go to the Lord (and maybe even a spiritual director) and see what your motivations are. A holy relationship can be a nice bonus, but it should never be the goal before God.

You Might Be Veiled, But Some Guys Have Paper Towel Roll Binoculars

I’m personally still mulling over Cindy’s concept of the veil . If we women have veils, what do men have? Well, I like to think that the good ones walk around wearing those funny glasses with the shades down until they are ready for marriage, and then their clear lenses help them see the women around them. And then there are the other men. Sin, brokenness, and simply poor formation have led a lot of the 25-35-year-old men running around the world (and parish halls, even) wearing only those binoculars made out of paper towel rolls, like they’re five years old. They have artificial constructions of what they’re supposed to see of the world—and worse, it’s very narrow and limited in perspective. While it is never a good idea to date a person with the intention of performing a radical conversion that he is not evening seeking for himself, it is possible that one day they can swap out their crude spectacles for the proper ones. It takes time and God’s grace.

I have realized after meeting many men of various levels of Catholic-ness, that deep down, they too, are scoping out for authentic communion and true joy—but they were never told what that properly looked like or where to find it. So they are stumbling in the darkness. Or they have removed their binoculars and are still squinting in the brightness of the sunlight. It takes time and grace for them and a whole lot of strength on your part to be able to wait for that moment. If you find yourself considering a relationship with someone less than perfectly faithful but striving for it, always witness to Love; never compromise on your morals or principles. If he is ready for this love, he could be the one to lift his glasses and your veil. If not, it will be painful, but God will be there to hold you. The burden is always on the guy. Never ever believe such a thing is your fault. You are worth being pursued.

It is All for Something

Finally, the hope part. After living in Boston, in some ways one of the most Catholic cities I’ve encountered but also the most liberally secular, I can tell you:

– There are good men out there—but are you? I am not advocating female pursuit, but presence. Presence in faith communities (with the right intentions), presence online (if you feel comfortable with that), presence in social groups. A dear friend of mine finally married at 42 a man she met in a few of her Meetup groups. Though he was baptized and fallen away, he sacrificially loved her, and before he proposed, he first became the man he needed to be to be her husband and re-start his spiritual journey. If she wasn’t present in the world, she might have missed him.

– Your witness to Love means something to the world, even when it seems like it doesn’t. I will never forget the moment when two very different (and secular) friends of mine, at different times, expressed their admiration and in one instance, a kind of sad envy at my desire for chastity in a relationship (Note: you do not have to be a cheerleader; be discreet about your personal history and choices, even if you’re as pure as a saint). A work-in-progress guy I was seeing once marveled at my strength of heart (okay, here’s where the burden can fall on us). But think how powerful it is to say “I don’t just care for you, I care for your soul.” The right guy will be the one who can say those words to you—and then prove it.

– Love of and for God trumps all, because joy is always possible. The hardest truism I learned from being 22 to feeling 32 is that there is no guarantee you will get married, and in the anguish of accepting that, begin to doubt God’s very call. That is what Adam and Eve did. They doubted God’s goodness and intentions from withholding them from the Tree. Doubt is as pernicious and painful a sin as envy . But you are not horrible for this. While you are a daughter of Eve, with Christ, you have been redeemed as a daughter of Mary. Ask Jesus to see the hope that Mary had when she did not doubt our Father’s call for her, especially when it meant not living the life she thought she was supposed to. God saw her through the radical change; and God will see us through ours with His love. Even if we do not marry our helpmate, if we remain in loving relationship with Him, we will see the joy we seek.

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