Last week, I wrote a post about Fear where I asked the following questions about a girl who is dating a nice, Catholic guy but is not sure she feels a spark towards him:

1. Could her fears (and perfectionism) be keeping her from getting serious with this guy?
2. Are your fears keeping you paralyzed and keeping you from trusting God?
3. What should this girl do?

Wow, I received a lot of email and a good number of comments about that post.  If anything, that should proved that fear about marriage is a very common experience.  The difficulty with this topic is that fear can be paralyzing but it can also be good.  Yes, fear can be a healthy emotion because it can protect us by giving us feelings of hesitation.  This could be the Holy Spirit’s prompting us and saying ‘don’t go there.’

But how do you know which one is causing the fear? This post will discuss Paralyzing Fear and in Fear: Part 3 I will discuss Healthy Fear.

Paralyzing Fear

“Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Paralyzing fear keeps us from doing and trusting in God’s will.  It can be caused by pride, shame, perfectionism, unconfessed sin and an unforgiving heart.  The good news is that He wants to heal us of our fears.  He is our God.  He will “strengthen and support us with His right hand.”

Pride and Shame 

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” Psalm 139:23-24

I was straight up with this dear reader.  I asked her if maybe, just maybe, she felt this nice, Catholic guy was not impressive enough for her family and friends.  Does she care too much about what others think? 

Our insecurities and the shame we feel concerning our imperfections can lead us to want a guy who is impressive so that we will appear impressive.  It is as if this impressive guy will prove to the world that we are worthy of being loved.  

This can lead us to reject a guy who, although he is impressive in all the right ways, may not be impressive to the world.  Unless we are healed of our pride and shame, we will continue to reject these God-given opportunities.  And, over time, the opportunities may dwindle.

Perfectionism, Sin and Forgiveness

“If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.” Psalm 66:18

You may be wondering why I put these three topics (perfectionism, sin and forgiveness) together. The reason is because I think there is a connection.  Sometimes our perfectionism is driven by not recognizing and accepting our human condition. We don’t recognize our need for God and His grace so we struggle with trying to control everything on our own.  Then, when we fail, we blame ourselves. 

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:14

The Sacrament of Confession is the perfect medicine for healing us of our perfectionism.  First, the humility and grace we receive from confessing our faults “to each other” (a priest, according to Jesus) is very healing.  Letting go of unforgiveness of others is also freeing.  Finally, forgiving ourselves is very healing. 

Being healed of perfectionism, sin and unforgiveness of others and yourself is key to eliminating fear and trusting God. 

I Am Already Doing That! 

What is that you say?  You are already going to confession and living a Sacramental Life in Christ?  Wonderful!  Then you are being healed and you just need to keep walking that path with the Lord.  Which is what I had to do…. 

My Healing

I wanted God to heal me of my faults but instead He healed me of my fears through a long process.  This is a much better deal because, as you grow older, new fault lines appear in your armor. The virtue of Fortitude, gained from God’s grace from the Sacraments and right relationship with Him, however, will help you overcome future fears and thrive in your marriage and life of faith.

Yes, you will still feel fearful. But your fears will not be paralyzing.  And,  grace and fortitude will enable you to trust. Trust that God knows exactly what He is doing.

“I am the LORD who heals you” Exodus 15:26

God knows your faults. He knows your fears.  He knows how to heal you.  He wants to heal you so that you can “glorify Him by your life.”

Prayer For Healing

As a single girl, I prayed the Prayer for Peace of Mind found below.

These days, this is my prayer:

“Please give me Your peace that surpasses all understanding.  Please heal me of my irrational fears and give me peace about my faults, my flaws, my failures, my mistakes, my past and my future.” 

What Should She Do?

So back to my dear reader who is feeling uncertain about her guy?  What if the fear she is feeling is a healthy fear? In Part 3, Healthy Fear, I will tell you exactly what I advised her to do!

As always, you are welcome to email me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!        

But even when I am afraid, I keep on trusting you. | Psalm 56:3

 I believe the Holy Spirit has been leading me to write this post about Fear for a while. I was holding back because I don’t want to admit how much Fear played a role in my life.  But, when the Holy Spirit wants something, He lets us know and it makes it awful hard to avoid His gentle promptings.

I was at Mass on Friday and as I mentioned in my 7QTs, it was the feast day of St. Ignatius of Antioch.  Our priest, Father Ray, based his whole homily on fighting Fear and how St. Ignatius of Antioch is our model in doing so.  As you may know, he was martyred for his Catholic Faith in the year 107AD. He was empowered with such courage because of the grace he received from Jesus in the Eucharist.  He, like all Christians of his day, knew the Eucharist is the body and blood of Jesus.  He died, rather than renounce this truth.  Now, that is a man with Fortitude!  

Fortitude

Back in the late 90’s, I belonged to an on-line group of girls called the WUMTHS (Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex).  My code name in the group was Fortitude.  Not because I had so much fortitude but because I wanted to have it.

You see, I knew that Fear was an issue for me.  Sure, I was afraid of never getting married but for me, the fear I experienced had more to do with getting married.

Yes, I was afraid to get married.

Paralyzed By Fear

I was emailing with a girl recently who is dating a nice catholic guy.  He has a job, interesting hobbies, friends, nice family, is cute and practices his faith for real.  So, what is the problem?  The problem is that she is not sure if she feels a spark or not.

As I have stated before, romantic love cannot be explained. It is mysterious and beautiful and confounding.  It cannot be manufactured.  However, as I was writing with this girl, I felt the Holy Spirit’s prompting in asking her about her fears.  Could her fears be keeping her from getting serious with this guy?

I do think our fears can paralyze us.  I felt that intense paralysis as a single girl.  I wanted to be married but I felt stuck because marriage requires so much intimacy and exposure.  I am not just talking about the marital embrace. I am talking about everything!

This dear girl responded saying that yes, she does struggle with fear and that she struggles with perfectionism.

Perfection

I understand the pressure to be perfect.  I was one of those girls who struggled with it and just could not imagine being loved with all my faults.  I believed that if I could just get rid of my faults, then I could get over my fears!

Humility

You have faults too.  Maybe you are not the best housekeeper.  Maybe your legs are not silky-smooth.  Maybe you have cellulite and hair all over your body.  Maybe your double chin becomes pronounced in your sleep.  Do you have strange eating habits? Maybe you are not always kind or positive.  Do these faults make you fearful of 24/7 intimacy with a man?  Do you believe you will be rejected once the faults are discovered (and they will be in marriage)?

Even with these faults, you can be loved by a man.  In fact, these ‘faults’ may be exactly what endears him to you.  These ‘faults’ give you that beautiful human dimension which will do two things.  First, they will calm down the fears your husband has about himself. Second, they will give you the daily dose of humility needed in marriage.

But what should this girl do?

To be continued…..here

Next week I will continue this post.  In the meantime, will you ask yourself if your fears are keeping you paralyzed and keeping you from trusting God?  If so, let’s discuss some potential causes.   I will then share how the Lord healed me.

And of course you are welcome to email me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

Last week’s post asked the question, “Does God ‘take away’ our desires?” and in it I shared that God, instead of taking away our desires, wants to put our desires in proper order. In response to that post, Amy provided this comment: 

“Cindy, what does a having a healthy and ordered desire for marriage feel like? Sometimes I struggle with despair and don’t know if those feelings are disordered or if it’s just my God-given desire for marital union. When do you think that natural desire turns disorderly? Thanks!”

Healthy Desires

“…what does a having a healthy and ordered desire for marriage feel like?

Unfortunately Amy, I don’t really know.   Prior to being married, my desire for marriage went through several stages.  First it felt unruly.  Then, it felt disordered.  Then, I felt numb.

Stages of Healing

Initially, my desire for marriage was unruly.  It was disruptive, wayward, intractable, recalcitrant and any other adjective you can think of.  For some, this unruliness can manifest itself in unhealthy outward actions.  But for me, I turned it inward on myself. 

Once I returned to a Sacramental life of grace, things got better.  But, only to a point.  I still felt disordered.  I was still preoccupied with being united with my husband and wondering if it was ever going to happen.  I still suffered judgment and ridicule from others for not being married and my heart was in constant pain.  Hot tears that sting your eyes and lump-in-throat kind of pain.  But, I was not acting out nor was I turning inward against myself.

Then, I went through a final stage where I felt numb.  I compare it to the anesthesia I had during my C-section.  I could see all the activity going on around me but I could not feel any pain. I was still somewhat preoccupied with my desire for marriage but I was not in pain.  Looking back, this was an extraordinary gift of grace.

Despair

“…I struggle with despair…”

Amy, you mentioned that you feel despair at times. Despair is the complete absence of Hope. I never felt true despair and I wonder if you have truly experienced it.  My guess is that what you are experiencing is doubt.  I felt that.  I always had Hope, but, I did doubt that I would ever get married. 

Feelings Are Not The Problem

“…and don’t know if those feelings are disordered or if it’s just my God-given desire for marital union…”

Your desire for marriage will result in various intense feelings.  But, the feelings are not the problem.  The problem is what you do with the feelings.  Do you curse God?  Do you avoid Him in worship?  Do you regularly lash out at others in anger?  Do you live a life of promiscuity? Are certain areas of your life obsessive or compulsive?  This is when you know your desire is disordered.

Your hunger for marriage could be likened to your hunger for food.  Both are natural, God-given feelings/desires and neither are wrong.  But, an extended time of fasting will take its toll on you as will a life of extended singleness.

What you are feeling and experiencing is completely natural and understandable. The healing processes teaches us what to do with these natural feelings.

Towards Healing

“When do you think that natural desire turns disorderly”

Again, desires become disordered when we act out our feelings in a way that leads us away from God. But we can always turn back towards Him.

Note that in my experience, the process went in a positive direction…towards healing rather than towards disorder.  I healed over time as I grew closer to the Lord in obedience.

My Healing

Did God take away my desire?  No.  But, He did draw me closer to Him and over time as I drew near to Him, something happened. 

I made a decision to walk with the Lord.  He is the answer to the peace I needed.  It seemed obvious to me that my obedience was required.  So, I prayed and worshiped Him at Mass. I went to Confession regularly.  I read books about the faith. I taught CCD. I sang songs of praise. I started jogging.  I surrounded myself with marvelous comrades.  The Lord became my portion and my cup.  I claimed Him for my prize. I gave myself to Him.

My mind healed as I read His word in Sacred Scripture.  To this day, I favor the Old Testament because I know what it is like to walk in the desert.  I relate well to Job and Isaiah.  The book of Deuteronomy and the Psalms spoke to me daily and guarded my heart and mind.

“Lord, listen to my prayer; turn your ear to my appeal. You are faithful, you are just; give answer. Do not call your servant to judgment, for no one is just in your sight. The enemy pursues my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me dwell in darkness like the dead, long forgotten. Therefore my spirit fails; my heart is numb within me. I remember the days that are past: I ponder all your works. I muse on what your hand has wrought and to you I stretch out my hands. Like a parched land my soul thirsts for you. Lord, make haste and answer; for my spirit fails within me. Do not hide your face lest I become like those in the grave. In the morning let me know your love, for I put my trust in you. Make me know the way I should walk: to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies; I have fled to you for refuge. Teach me to do your will for you, O Lord, are my God. Let your good spirit guide me in ways that are level and smooth. For your name’s sake, Lord, save my life; in your justice save my soul from distress.” Psalm 143, 1-11

Time

I am wondering, dear Amy, if you are going through the same process? It may feel like this time of singleness is leading you towards more disorder.  But, if you are walking with the Lord, and I do believe you are, then I believe that your desires are being ordered by Him through this process.  Trust in the process. Trust in His timing. Trust in the Lord.

If anyone is struggling, please feel free to write to me: theveilochastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!