I received a number of emails this week from girls who want to know why God does not take away our desires for marriage. They want to know why He gives us these desires when He knows full well that He is not going to bless us with them! Would it not seem more compassionate and loving to remove them and end our suffering?
Ahhhh, such good questions! The only answers I have are from my own experience. In this post, I am only going to address healthy desires which can become unruly.
Ordered Vs. Disordered
Your desire for a husband and children is healthy! My post, He Will Rule Over You, explains why we experience these desires. But, these good and healthy desires need to be tamed and put under the Lordship of Christ. These desires, without God’s grace, can become very unruly.
Instead of taking them away, God teaches us to call into order our disordered emotions, habits and desires. But this takes….time.
Our whole life is a letting go process. Living a Sacramental Life in Christ allows us to call into order our disordered passions and desires.
Not living this Sacramental life will delay the process. It will make us bitter towards God and accuse Him of withholding something that is good and healthy. It will make those disordered desires so big, obsessive and compulsive. A life without Sacramental grace will lead us further and further away from the healing we need. It will delay our freedom from disorder.
So, let’s assume you are living a Sacramental Life in Christ. How much time is required to heal you and order your passions? This is the part I cannot answer. But I will share the method He used with me.
One thing I learned as a Mom is how to get an object from a child. If you try to take it from them, they resist. But, if you say, “Will you please put that toy in my hand?” they more than likely will smile and put it in your hand. It is the weirdest thing!
In my experience, God does not take things from us when we are tightly gripping on to them. Instead, when we live a Sacramental life of grace, He sort of ‘heats things up’ so that we feel it burning in our hands and let go of it on our own.
I put this quote from Maura Byrne from Made In His Image in my 7QTs and got such positive response from it:
“As she looked back on her life she saw that every time she was rejected from something she desperately wanted, it was really our Heavenly Father whispering gently to her, “Hold on sweetheart I have something so much better for you. Let me surprise you.”
If I were to rewrite it for this post, I would say,
“As she looked back on her life she saw that every time she tightly gripped on to something good she desperately wanted, our Heavenly Father gently convince her to let go of it. He did this by whispering , “Will you please let go and place your trust in Me so I can heal you and order your desires in accordance with My will?”
Know that the process is not easy or quick. But, God knows exactly how to do it. He desires for us to be free of the things that control us and keep us from having peace. He desires to free us from disorder and instead order our lives in accordance with our human dignity. It is unlikely that he will spontaneously take away your desires. But, there is more going on in the background than you can ever know or imagine. You can trust Him.
What are you gripping on to? Will you let go and hand it to God?
God love and bless you!
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I have been begging God to take away my sex drive and longing for a woman but he will not. I have recently been asking him to help me live above these things and for him to give me the desire to do the things he is calling me to do he will not. I have been getting many obvious signs God is calling me to singleness and I keep begging him to help me accept this and pursue his purposes for me but he will not answer. I stay in his word daily , serve in my church and listen to worship music daily. I also ask him to take these desires into his hands and I surrender them to him over and over again but he just remains silent.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. As I mentioned in the post, it is unlikely that God will spontaneously take away your desires. But, there is more going on in the background than you can ever know or imagine. You can trust Him. You seem to be doing everything you can on your end and perhaps continue to pray that you will recognize your spouse and courageously pursue her with gentlemanly love. Be assured of my prayers. Cindy
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Cindy, what does a having a healthy and ordered desire for marriage feel like? Sometimes I struggle with despair and don’t know if those feelings are disordered or if it’s just my God-given desire for marital union. When do you think that natural desire turns disorderly? Thanks!
Just sent you a note, Amy! 🙂
Personal experience: I asked God to take away a relationship I had been desperately gripping onto for almost three years. I finally just told Him that I wanted my attraction taken away…I was done. A couple days later, lying in bed, He let me know that He did it. I wasn’t attracted to that fellow any more. And, it freed me, so much! It was one of the more joyful, beautiful experiences of my life. Occasionally the guy still tempts me, yes, but I have the freedom and joy of knowing that any attraction I had is in God’s hands, and it isn’t mine. What is even better is that God gave me the wonderful young man I am dating now. Our relationship is hard, but beautiful and rewarding. Whether or not it ends in marriage shall be determined by time, but for now, I am at peace, because it is of God, and it is healthy. Moral of story: just trust. It really is as hard as heck, but it can be so dang beautiful in the end! God has much better vision than we do, truly.
Great story. Yes, trust. Thank you for sharing, praise God!