Dear Sweet Frustrated Friend, 

After posting your “Dear Future Husband” Letter last week, it is obvious from the comments and support from other single girls that you are not alone in your frustration. With all that support and cyber love, you might be feeling slightly less frustrated but it is understandable if you still feel alone.   

I am not sure there is anything I can say to ease your suffering. Yes, I believe you are suffering because to be without something we are made for is a suffering.

Could marriage actually be a need?   

I used to feel guilty about my pain and hurt over not being married.  I wasn’t sure I had it in proper perspective given all the suffering going on in the world.  Was my singleness a suffering? Was marriage something I needed or just something I wanted?  If it was just a want, was I justified in my pain over not having it?  The Lord is my Shepherd, after all, and I shall not want, right?

Then someone asked me why I felt guilty for wanting to be married?  They said, “Of course your feelings of hurt are justified.  You don’t have to feel guilty for wanting something you were made for as a woman.”

 Made For Marriage? 

Some folks may read this blog and think that I put too high of a value on marriage to the point of relegating it to the supernatural level.  But, when I read The Catechism, I see that Spousal Love is something we were made for: 

“….The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator….” 

“…Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: “It is not good that the man should be alone…”

Our bodies cry out for Spousal Love.  In this post, I wrote:

“….I am not a theologian but from a Catholic perspective we know that our bodies are made to glorify God. The purpose of marriage and of our fertility is to glorify God. Not being able to fulfill this purpose is, I think, a special kind of suffering.

The shape, form and intricate design of our bodies reveal this strong link to our fertility and femininity. Our bodies are oriented toward marital love…. to bonding and babies.  I could be wrong but I think that God weeps over delayed and missed marriage vocations in a unique way. I feel confident that the plight of the single person is not hidden from Him nor has their cause passed out of His notice…”

Even though we are made for marriage, it is written into our very nature and our bodies cry out for Spousal Love, there is, unfortunately a real possibility that some will have to live with this need unmet.  This is why I believe that delayed marriages and missed marriages are a suffering.

Despair 

As you know, the enemy will whisper to you that God is stingy and that God is not in control.  The enemy will try to convince you to take your vocation into your own hands and make it happen at any cost.  Even the cost of your soul.  You will be tempted to compromise and accept lame offers from guys.  You will be tempted to chase guys. 

It sounds like you are already walking with God and waiting on Him to act on your behalf.  You are doing your part.  The challenge will be to not give in to despair.

What Do I Recommend?

1.  Recognize and accept that you have an unmet need

2.  Be honest with God about your feelings.  He can take it.

3.  Continue to Immerse yourself in the Sacraments (the fount of Grace) and in Sacred Scripture

4.  Find your mission outside of your career (unless your career includes this mission)

5.  Realize that God is our only Hope

Your Future Husband

I know you are frustrated that he has not found you yet.  But, have you considered that he is suffering too and in need of healing?   That he would love to hold you and share his day with you?  That he wants nothing more than to find you and hold those babies you are hoping for?

Pray for him that he will not give in to despair and that his body and soul will be protected from porn and fornication.  He needs your prayers now as much as he will need them when you are married.

Today is the feast day of St. Monica.  Your future husband may be away from the Lord and, similar to St. Augustine, greatly in need of prayer.  Your prayers for him and an offering of your sufferings for him are a powerful combination.

Be Ready

 “….I think this letter is written to a ghost, and it’s a real shame because I’ve been working on myself for you.  I’ve been trying to turn my vices into virtues, take my faults and reform them into blessings, and make my areas of weakness stronger.  For what?  Apparently for nothing, and that really peeves me….”  

I think what you wrote above is understandable.  It is easy to wonder if it is all for nothing. You and I have chatted this week about all the things you are doing to grow closer to the Lord and turn your vices into virtues.  It reminded me of the parable of the 10 Virgins and the Lamp Oil and how it applies to our singleness.  We must always be ready.  In a New York minute, everything can change.

I know you are having trouble believing your husband exists.  I cannot tell you if he does or not.  If he doesn’t then, the 5 recommendations above are critical to fighting off despair. The Lord will provide the much-needed grace proper to heal your suffering.  If your husband does exist, then, it is a matter of waiting…………patiently……..for the Lord to act.  He is our only Hope.

Recommended Posts:

I went back and found the following posts which I hope will provide encouragement and support:

Dear God, What Do You want from me?

Hope

There Is No Formula

Do Men Need Help?

He Will Rule Over You

Fantasy Relationships

I Knew

He Is Not The One

Merge Your Body And Soul

Myth # 3:  There Is Something Wrong With Me

God love and bless you, my sweet friend.  Cindy

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I was supposed to share with you my Free Will post today.  I have been working on that post over the last couple of weeks but have not been satisfied with it.  Sometimes the Lord will divert us from our plans by providing a better plan.  I think He did that over the weekend.

When I woke up early Saturday morning, I found an email from a girl who keenly captured the frustration she is feeling while waiting for her spouse.  I get a number of emails…. but this one really captured my emotions.

The author is a blogger who wants to remain anonymous.  She wrote a candid letter to her future husband.  It is raw and filled with frustration.  A level of frustration that I think we can all relate to.

The significance of the topic of this post is not lost on me as today is the one year anniversary of The Veil of Chastity blog.  The purpose of the blog is to share the wisdom and power of Chastity.  But it is also to offer support to those of you who are feeling frustrated and reassure you that others have walked this difficult path.  We have not forgotten.

I have already responded to the author and received permission to post her letter.  Next week, I will share with you my response to her.

In the meantime, please see her questions below.  She is wondering if she is alone in her perspective and frustration.  Comments to her and encouragement for her are welcomed.

God love and bless you all, Cindy

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Her Questions: Do you think there’s value in this perspective?  Do you think that other girls might feel like this and don’t think the single life is so glamorous all the time, but are afraid of saying it?

 Letters to My Future Husband

So today I was having a ‘spot of tea’ with my friend discussing life, the future, the past, living in the moment, World Youth Day, her gorgeous children, the problems with the Church, the things that make us want to punch people in the face, etc…  We got to talking about my future spouse and the frustrations in waiting for him – which if you know me in real life or read my blog you don’t even need to imagine the extent of that in my life.  And if this is your first time, well, welcome to the inner workings of my brain, you’re in for a real trip.

I have been reading (not participating) in this Not Alone Series over the past 8 or 10 weeks in combination with maybe a hundred or so blog posts I’ve read in the past regarding the single life, hope, waiting, not waiting, the joy, the agony (well, not many people write about the agony, but anyway), etc…  And I’ve heard a hundred times (and I’m certain you have to, if you live in America and have ever seen a religious blog post about the single life) about writing letters to Your Future Spouse before you meet them.

Confession time, I’ve done it – but it’s always awkward.  I mean what do you say?  

 I’ve loved you since I was 15 and started praying for you.

I think I met you today. (and then a week later, well that wasn’t you)

We had our first date. (but there wasn’t a second)

Seriously?  That’s all crap – although I do pray for him – if he even exists, who wants 15 years of pathetic letters that all say the same thing, “I’m praying for you, and I miss you.”  When what I really want to write is:

Where the hell have you been?  I’ve been waiting over here for a while now.  I’m trying to be as patient as possible, but I’m getting a little upset.

or

 What are you up to this weekend?  I really hope you’re not out gallivanting with some random girl who won’t matter to you tomorrow, or for that matter, who won’t care for you past a few weeks.

 or

What are you doing that is more important than hanging out with me?  I mean, if someday I’m going to be the love of your life, why aren’t you seeking me more earnestly?  You really make me want to punch you in the face!

or

I really could have used you today.  I had a hard time at work, I began to question my true purpose in life, and basically, the entire world blamed me for their problems.  I needed a shoulder to cry on when I got home and a pillow just wasn’t cutting it this time.  I could have used a hug from you.  I needed you and you weren’t there.

 or

I’m disappointed that it’s taking more than 28 years for our paths to cross, are you seriously that bad at asking for directions?  Should I be praying you find a GPS or lose some of your pride and just ask for help?

 or

Seriously, is there any courage inside of that chest of yours?  Are you not asking me out because I look ‘scary’ or because maybe I’ll say no?  Be a man!  Stand up and fight for something – fight for me!  All of this beating around the bush is not very attractive.  Know what you want and go after it – it just takes a little courage!  You know, I would have said yes, if you would have asked!

 or

Today I met these little twins.  They are the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and have the best parents in the world, but I wish I was holding our baby.  I hate that you and I don’t have a baby together, that we aren’t sharing our love with the world.

or

I’m losing hope that you are out there.  I believe in a God who can do anything.  Anything is possible.  If he wants to put me on the moon to live for the rest of my life, He can.  But he won’t – that’s not probable or practical.  And I believe He can bring us together because He’s God and He can do anything, I’m just doubting that He actually will.  It’s easier for me to believe that Jesus Christ was both fully human and fully divine than it is to believe that you exist, that you will love me, and that you even want to love me for the rest of my life.  I think this letter is written to a ghost, and it’s a real shame because I’ve been working on myself for you.  I’ve been trying to turn my vices into virtues, take my faults and reform them into blessings, and make my areas of weakness stronger.  For what?  Apparently for nothing, and that really peeves me.  

But I can’t write those things – I mean, the ‘writing letters to your future husband’ movement is all about writing him this journal and then giving it to him as a testament of your love when you’re engaged, married, or sometime later in life.  Then he’s all like, “She’s always loved me.  I know that God has meant for us to be together for all of eternity.”  BLAH- writing that down makes me a little sick, to be perfectly honest.  

 Yes, I have always loved you – in a very abstract way, in the I want to be with one man for the rest of my life and I can’t wait until I meet you.  I also believe that The Lord has a plan, He has to.  I mean, look at the world – this did not just happen to end up like this.  There is a greater being at work.  I also think that God has a plan for us – he has work for me to do.  I just don’t really  know what the work is most of the time.  Maybe it’s raising children, maybe it’s not.

But what would my new husband say if I handed him a book of letters that were more like the other ones.  Basically where the hell have you been all of these years?  And I’m waiting for an answer!  They just sound pathetic and angry, and I’m really not either of those things.  Frustrated with the world maybe, but not pathetic and angry.  I just hate the process is all.  I hate the waiting game.  I can’t stand needing to have patience.  

Those letters are a book full of disappointments.  I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to share these moments with you because I have such a desire to know you and be with you.  I mean, what do you do with a book that is filled with these notes?  Does he say, “I’m sorry.  I didn’t know I was hurting you.”  Then, we move on from there.  Or does he have a book filled with the same kind of letters?  Am I as much of a point of frustration and disappointment to him as he is to me right now?

I really have no idea, I mean, I haven’t done this before.  I don’t know the man who will be my future husband – or maybe I do, but we aren’t dating right now.  Maybe this is just the swift kick in the pants he needs to muster up some courage and ask.  Maybe he is just a figment of my imagination and the Lord wants something different from me. Maybe I need to move before we can meet.  Maybe he needs to.  Maybe a million other things…

I’m just so tired of the ‘maybes’ and the ‘what ifs’ and the rest of it all.  

Have you been following the Not Alone Series hosted by Jen and Morgan?  I seriously look forward to the contributor’s posts each week and when a specific post strikes me, I often spotlight it on my 7 Quick Takes.  But, the post I am featuring today by Britt merited more than just a 7 Quick Takes spotlight.  I asked Britt if I could reblog her Envy and Singlehood post and she graciously agreed.

You may have noticed that I have put the spotlight on Britt a number of times in my 7 Quick Takes.  What is interesting is that Britt and I sometimes differ in our view of things.  For example, I believe that God is intimately involved in our vocation and that He is involved in the details.  And, I believe that as long as we remain in His will, He will lead us to our Holy Spouse. Britt, on the other hand, has several post debunking the “soul mate” concept.  Check out her insightful posts on Soul Mates here and here.

When I read her posts and when they conflict with my own take on things, I never say to myself, “She is so wrong.”  Nope, instead I say, “Wow, very interesting!  Yep, that could be true.”

So, I am featuring Britt here for several reasons.  First, this Envy and Singlehood post is spot on.  Paragraph five made me quite teary when I read it.  Especially the last line. It describes perfectly what I want to convey to you girls.  You are longing for something good.  Do not feel guilty about it. Oh, and don’t forget to click on the very soulful song by Fort Atlantic.

The second reason I am featuring Britt is because she is an excellent writer. What is interesting is that my opinion about her writing style and ability was formed before I discovered that she really is an author!  Check out her books here. 

Isn’t our Catholic cyber community beautiful?  I would love for you to consider Britt as a resource.  She often reveals the other side of the same coin.  This is healthy because our Catholic faith is a deep mystery.  While you are over at her blog, Proverbial Girlfriend, go ahead and sign up to receive her latest posts.

Thank you, Britt, for allowing me to share your Envy and Singlehood post! 

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NAS: Envy and Singlehood

Please join Jen, Morgan, and the rest for more insights!

This week’s topic of envy comes at just the right time for me. Sunday night, at a time when I should have been readying for bed and the early wake-up to drive into work, I instead wandered onto my Facebook feed. An acquaintance of mine posted about how [Conspicuously Male Name] made her dinner, did the washing up, watched Gilmore Girls with her, and even prepared her snacks for the week. My thoughts were 1) When did she get a boyfriend? 2) Who is this guy? 3) Do I really want to know that she met him through one of the groups—the groups I left (for good reasons) and maybe should join up again because it appears to be the boyfriendàfianceàhusband store?

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