I was supposed to share with you my Free Will post today. I have been working on that post over the last couple of weeks but have not been satisfied with it. Sometimes the Lord will divert us from our plans by providing a better plan. I think He did that over the weekend.
When I woke up early Saturday morning, I found an email from a girl who keenly captured the frustration she is feeling while waiting for her spouse. I get a number of emails…. but this one really captured my emotions.
The author is a blogger who wants to remain anonymous. She wrote a candid letter to her future husband. It is raw and filled with frustration. A level of frustration that I think we can all relate to.
The significance of the topic of this post is not lost on me as today is the one year anniversary of The Veil of Chastity blog. The purpose of the blog is to share the wisdom and power of Chastity. But it is also to offer support to those of you who are feeling frustrated and reassure you that others have walked this difficult path. We have not forgotten.
I have already responded to the author and received permission to post her letter. Next week, I will share with you my response to her.
In the meantime, please see her questions below. She is wondering if she is alone in her perspective and frustration. Comments to her and encouragement for her are welcomed.
God love and bless you all, Cindy
Her Questions: Do you think there’s value in this perspective? Do you think that other girls might feel like this and don’t think the single life is so glamorous all the time, but are afraid of saying it?
Letters to My Future Husband
So today I was having a ‘spot of tea’ with my friend discussing life, the future, the past, living in the moment, World Youth Day, her gorgeous children, the problems with the Church, the things that make us want to punch people in the face, etc… We got to talking about my future spouse and the frustrations in waiting for him – which if you know me in real life or read my blog you don’t even need to imagine the extent of that in my life. And if this is your first time, well, welcome to the inner workings of my brain, you’re in for a real trip.
I have been reading (not participating) in this Not Alone Series over the past 8 or 10 weeks in combination with maybe a hundred or so blog posts I’ve read in the past regarding the single life, hope, waiting, not waiting, the joy, the agony (well, not many people write about the agony, but anyway), etc… And I’ve heard a hundred times (and I’m certain you have to, if you live in America and have ever seen a religious blog post about the single life) about writing letters to Your Future Spouse before you meet them.
Confession time, I’ve done it – but it’s always awkward. I mean what do you say?
I’ve loved you since I was 15 and started praying for you.
I think I met you today. (and then a week later, well that wasn’t you)
We had our first date. (but there wasn’t a second)
Seriously? That’s all crap – although I do pray for him – if he even exists, who wants 15 years of pathetic letters that all say the same thing, “I’m praying for you, and I miss you.” When what I really want to write is:
Where the hell have you been? I’ve been waiting over here for a while now. I’m trying to be as patient as possible, but I’m getting a little upset.
What are you up to this weekend? I really hope you’re not out gallivanting with some random girl who won’t matter to you tomorrow, or for that matter, who won’t care for you past a few weeks.
What are you doing that is more important than hanging out with me? I mean, if someday I’m going to be the love of your life, why aren’t you seeking me more earnestly? You really make me want to punch you in the face!
I really could have used you today. I had a hard time at work, I began to question my true purpose in life, and basically, the entire world blamed me for their problems. I needed a shoulder to cry on when I got home and a pillow just wasn’t cutting it this time. I could have used a hug from you. I needed you and you weren’t there.
I’m disappointed that it’s taking more than 28 years for our paths to cross, are you seriously that bad at asking for directions? Should I be praying you find a GPS or lose some of your pride and just ask for help?
Seriously, is there any courage inside of that chest of yours? Are you not asking me out because I look ‘scary’ or because maybe I’ll say no? Be a man! Stand up and fight for something – fight for me! All of this beating around the bush is not very attractive. Know what you want and go after it – it just takes a little courage! You know, I would have said yes, if you would have asked!
Today I met these little twins. They are the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and have the best parents in the world, but I wish I was holding our baby. I hate that you and I don’t have a baby together, that we aren’t sharing our love with the world.
I’m losing hope that you are out there. I believe in a God who can do anything. Anything is possible. If he wants to put me on the moon to live for the rest of my life, He can. But he won’t – that’s not probable or practical. And I believe He can bring us together because He’s God and He can do anything, I’m just doubting that He actually will. It’s easier for me to believe that Jesus Christ was both fully human and fully divine than it is to believe that you exist, that you will love me, and that you even want to love me for the rest of my life. I think this letter is written to a ghost, and it’s a real shame because I’ve been working on myself for you. I’ve been trying to turn my vices into virtues, take my faults and reform them into blessings, and make my areas of weakness stronger. For what? Apparently for nothing, and that really peeves me.
But I can’t write those things – I mean, the ‘writing letters to your future husband’ movement is all about writing him this journal and then giving it to him as a testament of your love when you’re engaged, married, or sometime later in life. Then he’s all like, “She’s always loved me. I know that God has meant for us to be together for all of eternity.” BLAH- writing that down makes me a little sick, to be perfectly honest.
Yes, I have always loved you – in a very abstract way, in the I want to be with one man for the rest of my life and I can’t wait until I meet you. I also believe that The Lord has a plan, He has to. I mean, look at the world – this did not just happen to end up like this. There is a greater being at work. I also think that God has a plan for us – he has work for me to do. I just don’t really know what the work is most of the time. Maybe it’s raising children, maybe it’s not.
But what would my new husband say if I handed him a book of letters that were more like the other ones. Basically where the hell have you been all of these years? And I’m waiting for an answer! They just sound pathetic and angry, and I’m really not either of those things. Frustrated with the world maybe, but not pathetic and angry. I just hate the process is all. I hate the waiting game. I can’t stand needing to have patience.
Those letters are a book full of disappointments. I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to share these moments with you because I have such a desire to know you and be with you. I mean, what do you do with a book that is filled with these notes? Does he say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was hurting you.” Then, we move on from there. Or does he have a book filled with the same kind of letters? Am I as much of a point of frustration and disappointment to him as he is to me right now?
I really have no idea, I mean, I haven’t done this before. I don’t know the man who will be my future husband – or maybe I do, but we aren’t dating right now. Maybe this is just the swift kick in the pants he needs to muster up some courage and ask. Maybe he is just a figment of my imagination and the Lord wants something different from me. Maybe I need to move before we can meet. Maybe he needs to. Maybe a million other things…
I’m just so tired of the ‘maybes’ and the ‘what ifs’ and the rest of it all.