Monthly Archives: September 2012

Stop Chasing Him

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In my post from two weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

Last week, I addressed #1: Stop sleeping with him. This week, I will address #2:  Stop chasing him.

Why?  Because men are awesome, competent and brave and they are perfectly capable of doing the chasing and initiating!!  And, when he is the one, he will chase you.  He will want to chase you!

Chasing

First, I will describe what I mean by “chasing”.  I am not promoting the idea of playing head games. That would be cruel.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect simply by the nature of their human dignity.  Nor am I saying that you should approach your relationships with a ‘tit for tat’ kind of keeping score mentality.  When he is the one, it is impossible to keep score because of all the generosity, giving and smiling going on.

What I mean by “chase” is that he is slightly ahead of you emotionally.  You might be thinking, “How can he be ahead of me and chase me at the same time?”  Ah, life is a paradox, isn’t it?  Chasing means he tries to draw you into his life.  He makes plans with you.  He calls you daily just to hear your voice and to make sure you don’t forget about him.  He sees you as a marvelous mystery so he spends his time and energy trying to figure you out and get closer to you.  He envisions a future with you and this, my friend, excites him!

Anthony Buono, the founder of Avemariasingles.com writes in this article:

“You are a woman.  A woman has mystery.  A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery.  A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms.”

Just like we girls struggle with finding Mr. Right, men struggle with finding a girl they believe they can marry and be happy with.  If that girl is the one for him and if she is virtuous, trustworthy and attractive to him, then he will pursue with gusto!

What I am saying is that if he is interested in you, he will chase you.  If he is **not** interested in you, he will either not chase you at all or his chasing will be lame and inconsistent (more on this in a couple of weeks).

Chasing Examples

Here are some examples of chasing:

Marianne Dashwood gets the devastating news that Willoughby married a different girl.

  1. You haven’t heard from him in a couple of days and you are feeling like he has forgotten you.  So, you nonchalantly give him a call or send him a text.  You know, just to say ‘hi”.  But, deep down your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!”  He is happy to hear from you and apologizes for not calling sooner.  He has been super busy with work and stuff and time just got away from him.  Sound familiar?
  2. You do the Marianne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) thing and send him all kinds of texts (Marianne sent Willoughby numerous letters which went unanswered and were returned unopened) and constantly comment on his Facebook page. Your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!” as well as a sense of possession that can be smothering.
  3. His sister is getting married and you are not sure if he plans to take you to the wedding. So, you drop all kinds of hints. You contact his sister and volunteer to help out wherever you can with the wedding. You insert yourself into an event you haven’t been invited to. Your actions (chasing) are tolerated by him but you are left with the feeling that if you had not initiated, you would be sitting home during the blessed event.
  4. You initiate “the talk.” He reassured you that everything is fine but deep down you still feel unsure about his intentions, your future together and his feelings toward you.

The above examples all sound innocent enough.  You may be thinking, “I am an equal in this relationship, therefore I can initiate phone calls, relationship talks and invite myself to weddings.”  Sure, you can.  But, it is not emotionally smart and it will make you feel more insecure rather than less.

In the words of Anthony Buono, “A man can tell when he is dealing with an impatient woman. “

Why Not Initiate?

The reason you should stop chasing and initiating is because he is perfectly capable of chasing you!  But, he will only chase you and initiate things if he is really interested in you.  And, when he is the one his chasing and initiation will be consistent and impressive!

No, no, he is not “afraid” of relationships and he is not “intimidated” by you.  Those worn out excuses are code for the fact that he is not interested enough in you to chase you or he is just too immature to overcome himself and complete his mission.

Again, wisdom from Anthony Buono:  “Men pursue. He will pursue if he is interested.”

He is more than capable of initiating and leading the relationship so let him!  Let him take the lead and then respond to his courageous initiation with a big smile and enthusiasm.  That is pretty much all men need.

Just Smile and Respond With Enthusiasm

I speak from experience.  See all those chasing examples above?  Well, umm, although they are a bit embellished and the details are altered, I may have been guilty of one or two during my single days with guys who were not the one.

But, with my husband, none of that happened.  He was so incredibly interested in me that I never wondered how he felt about me.  I never wondered when I would hear from him again or see him next.  He would tell me what to expect and then follow through.  I never wondered if I would be included in his life.  He was drawing me into his life!  I never had to initiate “the talk” because he was always talking about us and me and how wonderful I am (funny what Superabundance can do!).  And you know what my role was?  I smiled sweetly and responded to his initiation with genuine enthusiasm.  It was so easy!

The Veil

Here is the thing.  When he is the one, he pursues you.  If he is not pursuing you, he is not the one and there is very little you can do about it.  Keep in mind that you are covered by a veil so no matter what you do or how wonderful you are, unless he is the one, he will not see you and therefore he cannot appreciate you.  His initiation will wax and wane.  His pursuit will be lame and inconsistent.  He will run hot and cold.

He is not a bad guy. He is awesome, competent and brave. He just can’t see you.  He only catches glimpses of you and what he sees he likes but it is not the whole vision of you.  Don’t get mad about it.  Give the guy a break and realize what is going on.  This guy is not the one so just let him go.  Stop chasing him and the situation will die a natural death.

Then, you must strive toward virtue (more on this in a future post) and commit to Chastity.  This will ensure that you are ready for the guy who is the one.

In my next post we will talk about expectations and I will encourage you to stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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Stop Sleeping With Him

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In my last post, I shared that it is unwise to chase men.  And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

Today I will address #1: Stop sleeping with him.  There are so many reasons for this critical step.  Here are two: 

  1. The sex is putting you at a disadvantage
  2. You are sabotaging your future happiness

        The Sex is Putting You at a Disadvantage

I wish I could come up with a clever way to explain this.  I wish I had a convincing way to share with you your beauty and dignity and how sex outside of marriage robs you of both.  But, I have tried all week and I haven’t been able to do either. So, I will just give you the truth without the spoonful of sugar. 

Like it or not, sex is a ‘power’ thing.  Blah, blah, blah about women’s liberation and the belief that men don’t view sex as a power thing.  They do. Most men view women as the gatekeepers and the one with the power when it comes to sex.  Women who don’t acknowledge this are putting themselves at a disadvantage. 

Blah, blah, blah that we women can have freewheeling sex outside of marriage and not be affected. Some can.  But those are not the ones who I am trying to reach.  Those women, God bless them, are already beyond my reach with just this little blog. 

Instead, I am trying to reach those of you who have ears to hear.  I am trying to reach those of you who are not so hardened and deceived and instead are sincerely wondering why you are not being chased by the man you are having sex with.

I want you to know that Chastity is a powerful virtue.  It empowers you.  Now, with power comes great responsibility.  This power, like all power, is not to be misused or wasted.  It is instead to be carefully harnessed, treated with reverence and applied for the good.

Harry’s face says it all. It is not exactly the look of joy and satisfaction that comes with receiving something valuable!

You possess something powerful and deep! When you put a low value (price) on something and when you treat something powerful and deep as if it is casual and superficial, you put yourself at a disadvantage.

By having sex outside of marriage, you fail to guard your sexual powers. This power is being wasted and this is putting you at a disadvantage. And, because you are at a disadvantage, you are not the one being chased but instead are being tempted to do the chasing. Men don’t chase something they don’t value and they don’t chase something they already possess, especially if they have come to possess it at such a low cost. Ouch.

You Are Sabotaging Your Future Happiness

Sex outside of marriage negatively affects your future happiness in many ways but I will focus on two of them.

  1. Perpetual dating
  2. Lack of Superabundance

        Perpetual Dating

I see it over and over again.  Sex before marriage leads to perpetual dating.  The guy has found someone who will give him sex without commitment and marriage.  And, he thinks the girl is fine with it because women these days act as if it is fine even if they don’t really think it is fine at all.  This can go on for years. 

Sometimes, the couple gets engaged after the guy is coerced by the girl or after the girl finds herself pregnant. And, oftentimes the engagement is just the next baby step within the perpetual dating dance rather than what it is supposed to be…… a short phase for setting a wedding date and planning a holy wedding.

Chastity, on the other hand, either propels the relationship forward or stalls it.  Chastity is a built in-filter that eliminates the possibility of perpetual dating.  If the guy is not serious about a future with you, he will bolt when he hears there is no sex in it for him.  This is a good thing; a type of built-in filter. Again, it may feel like rejection, but it is really protection!  The guy is actually doing the more noble thing by ditching you.  Let him go devastate someone else.

Data that I have gathered over the years reveals that couples who practice Chastity get married sooner. They are happier and more stable.  Check out this video of this beautiful holy wedding!  Yes, my sweet girls, this is possible no matter what is in your past. Your beautiful commitment to Chastity can start now!

            Lack of Superabundance

Chastity leads to good fruit or Superabundance which I describe here.  Sex outside of marriage sabotages your future happiness by cutting off your access to Superabundance.  Without Superabundance, your love diminishes rather than grows.  Sex outside of marriage acts as a repellent to love.  He stops chasing you and you begin to be tempted to chase him. This negatively affects your future happiness.  It is that simple.

         The Veil

Keep in mind that you are covered by a veil. The purpose of the veil is to hide you from every possible suitor except for the one that God intends for you to marry.  The veil is there for your protection!  Sex outside of marriage cuts you off from that protection, cuts off your access to Superabundance and instead leaves you vulnerable and powerless.

In my next post I will share the reasons why you should stop chasing him.  But, you will not be able to stop chasing him until you stop having sex with him. 

God bless!

It Was So Easy!

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“Your mother was like a vine in a vineyard; transplanted by the water, fruitful and full of branches, by reason of abundant water.”

Ezekiel 19:9

Summer has ended but would not be complete without the memories I have from attending our family reunion. One of the most memorable parts for me was sitting around the kitchen island with my Mom, Aunt, Sisters and Cousins talking about courtship and marriage.

My Mom shared the story of how my Grandparents (her Mom and Dad) met, courted and married. Next, my Aunt shared her cute story. And, my parents have a similar “it  was so easy” love story.

What struck me is that none of these women appeared to chase men. Instead, they were the ones being chased.

My Grandmother was in her teens when my Grandfather fell in love with her.  He had to convince her to marry him. And, as providence would have it, she married him, fell deeply in love with him and had 12 children with him.  Notice the order.  They were happily married until death parted them.

My Aunt was soothing a broken heart caused by one of her boyfriends when she met my Uncle….at a square dance. Another couple had persuaded her to go to the square dance. So, she reluctantly went. And, there he was, Uncle Prince Charming.  It was so easy!  That was almost 55 years ago and yes they are still happily married with four children, several grandchildren, the whole nine yards.

Mom and Dad newly engaged

My Parents met at the Pentagon in the mid-1950’s. Throughout their marriage, my Dad teased my Mom about being “Officer bait”. Once he met her, the chase was on. He actually rescued her one time following a mouse sighting. He was proud to be her knight in shining armor.

He would invite her for coffee and she accepted…. sometimes. She wasn’t playing games. He had to prove himself and he knew this.  The whole world used to know this.

Their first real date was in September, my Mom stopped dating other men in November, my parents were engaged in December and they married a couple of months later in April. It was so easy!

They were happily married until my Father’s death in 2008.  They were blessed with four children, several grandchildren and great-grandchildren, the whole nine yards.

And, my own story is very similar.  My husband and I met, courted, were engaged and married in about a year.  It was so easy!

The key to all these blessed marriages:  The men chased us!

Why Won’t He Chase You?

I have this theory that we are covered by a veil because God places a protective veil over all of us.  The purpose of the veil is to hide us from every possible suitor except the one that God intends for us to marry.

The one that God intends for you to marry will chase you.  All other suitors will be lame and inconsistent in their chasing and this will tempt you to start chasing them.

So, what do you do when you are in a relationship that leaves you feeling like you, rather than the guy, are the one doing the chasing?  There are a couple of things, all of which start with the verb “stop.”

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

I will break down each step in future posts over the next couple weeks.  In the meantime, keep in mind that it should be easy!

God Bless!

Hard But Not Impossible

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“Though I tried to understand all this, it was too difficult for me,

Till I entered the sanctuary of God and came to understand their end”

Psalm 73:16-17 


Earlier this week I participated in a Facebook exchange.  The exchange followed an article on the CatholicVote.org website. One person objected to her very clear explanation of the Church’s teaching on marriage, love and life.  Let us call this person Sue.  Sue shared that she just had a molar pregnancy and her doctor had recommended she not get pregnant for one year.  So, Sue and her husband started using some form of contraception although it was not the birth control pill.

Sue feels the topic of contraception is ‘complex’ and she doesn’t like being judged for using contraception in her very special circumstance.  She was indignant that others would want her and her husband to go one year without the marital embrace.  And she really did not like being thought of as a ‘bad’ Catholic for using contraception in her very special circumstance.  She had even checked with her priest who gave her the green light to contracept.

Singles Must But Marrieds Are Not Required?

I chimed in with the perspective that single people who follow the Church’s teaching on Chastity go year after year after year after year without any embrace in sight.  I questioned why we expect them to be able to do this yet a married couple, for the sake of health, obedience and life, are not expected to be able to do this?

The poor logic behind this thinking is rooted in the contraceptive mentality.  But, it is also a result of the abstinence mentality.  The abstinence philosophy goes something like, ‘Hey all you single people, don’t have sex!  We married people, on the other hand, will do whatever we want because we have been granted the right to have sex even when we don’t want kids.  Oh, you single people want to have sex but you don’t want kids too?  Nope.  Sorry. That is a sin.”

That is why I am a big proponent of teaching Chastity to everyone rather than abstinence.  Chastity is a life-long virtue.  It is to be practiced before marriage and it is expected in marriage.  And, because the virtue is required of all of us, it helps make single people feel like they are not alone in their struggle.

Don’t confuse marital Chastity with abstinence.  I am not saying that the marital embrace is not good or encouraged by the Catholic Church.  I mean, my goodness, it is highly encouraged by the Church!

But, marital Chastity includes remaining open to life with the knowledge that the marital embrace has a purpose.  Besides being a renewal of our wedding vows, the purpose of the marital embrace, simply put, is bonding and babies.  To separate the marital act from its purpose is a sin.  That is the teaching of the Church and it is brilliantly explained by Dr. Janet Smith here.  In addition, marital Chastity results in Superabundance!

But some marrieds want to believe that their contraceptive sex is somehow okay yet sex outside of marriage is a sin.  But both are sins because both misuse and deny the beautiful purpose; bonding and babies.

It Is Possible

When I was pregnant with our miracle child, we were not able to participate in the marital embrace (Dr.’s orders) due to fear of another miscarriage.  We did this for nine months followed by a C-section recovery period. Was it hard? Yes. Is it possible for love’s sake? Yes. Were we stronger afterwards? Yes.

You see, we had experienced the loss of two babies.  So, the requirement put upon us was a light burden because obeying it meant the possibility of embracing our healthy baby in the future.

Also, my husband and I, like today’s chaste singles, had many years of being single without an embrace in sight.  So, the thought of waiting nine plus months was possible for us because we had already strengthened our ‘delayed gratification’ muscle.

The Marshmallow Experiment

The Stanford marshmallow experiment was a study on delayed gratification conducted in 1972 by a psychologist:

“A marshmallow was offered to each child. If the child could resist eating the marshmallow, he was promised two instead of one. The scientists analyzed how long each child resisted the temptation of eating the marshmallow, and whether or not doing so was correlated with future success.  Although the experiment has been repeated many times since, the original study at Stanford has been considered “one of the most successful behavioral experiments”.

It gets more difficult to be obedient and faithful to the teachings of the Church when there is no reward in sight.  And, that is my point about the heroic virtue demonstrated by our single brothers and sisters who are living out the Church’s teaching on Chastity.  Given their ongoing challenge, it is almost an insult for us marrieds to act like marital Chastity is a major burden.

For these chaste singles, the marshmallow is set before them and they resist the temptation.  They resist even with the knowledge that they may never get to enjoy that marshmallow let alone be given a second one.

But, God is faithful.  There will always be fruit and rewards for our obedience in this life and in the everlasting life with Christ Jesus.  It is very empowering to know that obedience keeps us in God’s will.  Our hope rests in Him alone.

We are all called to the virtue of Chastity.  Single folks, married couples and yes, even those with a missed vocation.  This doesn’t make sense to a world in which Chastity is not understood and sex is mostly for pleasure both outside of and within marriage.

Hopefully, my Veil theory along with the information in this blog and in my book will fortify you in your pursuit of holiness through hope, obedience, the Sacraments and delayed gratification.  Most of all, may they help prevent you from missing God’s will for your life.

God bless.

Miss Angst

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“…Their courage will melt away because of worry.  Their hearts will not be able to rest.  The people of Damascus will lose heart and turn to flee.  Panic will grip them.  Pain and anguish will seize them…”

Jeremiah 49:23-24

My husband and I were at a restaurant the other day.  The café had a very close seating arrangement which allows one to eavesdrop accidentally overhear other customer’s personal conversations.  The two girls sitting next to us were, I think, in their late twenties.  One girl, Miss Angst, was seeking council from the other girl, Miss Iamnotsurewhattothink (IANSWTT). 

You see, Miss Angst was in the process of being abandoned by her boyfriend this coming Friday and was trying to make heads or tails out of what her future holds.  The boyfriend, Mr. MovingtoArkansas, is moving to Arkansas and will be gone for 18 months. 

He did not invite Miss Angst to join him in the move.  And, he did not plan on keeping their shared apartment because he wants to “cut all ties to this area.”  What was obvious to me is that he did not give her the reassurance she needed about their future.  There were no promises but instead there was action (relocating without her) and ambiguity about their future.  Hence, the angst (an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety or inner turmoil.)

I wanted to scootch next to her, put my arm around her and say “He does not love you.”  Although my husband would have agreed with my analysis, my actions would have completely mortified him.  So, I kept my eyes on my husband and my ear to our conversation.  But, honestly, it was hard for both of us to not hear the situation playing out next to us.

She kept talking herself into believing that the situation was workable. But, her words and posture betrayed her.  She used the word “like” a lot.  I know young people use “like” a lot but her use of the word was more of a filler for a stressful conversation.  She just stared at her food and did not make eye contact with her friend.

She said several times, in a tone that did not sound convincing, “It is only 18 months.  I can handle that.”  I wanted to say, “Yes, but can he handle it?  Can he be away from you, his supposed beloved, for 18 months and not have any feelings of sadness.”  This was, to me, a one-sided relationship where she had given more of herself to him than he had to her.  And, she was in angst about it. 

Her friend, Miss IANSWTT, kept saying “I am not sure what to think. What could he be thinking?  I don’t understand him.”  Every once in a while Miss Angst’s calm demeanor would fail and the angst and frustration would surface. 

At one point, Miss Angst said, “Maybe if he moves away from this area he will be happy.”  I think she must know that his lukewarm feelings about her have nothing to do with his unhappiness in this geographic area.  She may suspect that there is nothing tying him to this area, including her.  Hence, the angst.

Listen my sweet girls, when a man loves a woman, I mean really loves her, the location becomes a non-factor.  The guy wants to be with his beloved.  He makes arrangements for them to be together.  He is accommodating to her wants and desires and longs for her happiness with him.  In short, he wants to marry her.  If temporary separation is required due to military assignments, school or a job, he leaves her with specific reassurance of his intentions for marriage with a timeline.  These are the actions of a man in love.

I predict that words will be spoken before Mr. MovingtoArkansas’ departure.  But, not the kind of loving and reassuring words that Miss Angst will be hoping for.  He will most likely be silent, noncommittal and avoid eye contact.  She may experience screaming due to the side effects of being dumped and left in limbo.

I can only guess that since they were living together, they were also sleeping together.  She has shared herself in the most powerful way possible and now she is looking for something that she can show him (like a contract?) that proves that he owes her something.  But she has nothing.  She is not even brave enough to say the word “marriage” but instead uses words like “relationship” or “future together.”  But, I think she means marriage.

Miss Angst is not alone in her anxiety.  Broken-hearted girls and noncommittal guys seem to be everywhere.  Not all guys are noncommittal.  Many single guys are looking for something and are unable to easily find it.   What are they looking for?

I have written a soon to be published book which provides wisdom and hope for single girls.  My book is called The Veil.  Through my book and the posts in this blog, I will explain the beauty, power, hope and wisdom behind the Catholic Church’s teaching on the virtue of Chastity and how it will lead you to the right spouse that God has intended for you. Once you understand the wisdom of Chastity, it is easy to see where Miss Angst went wrong and why she is experiencing such angst.

Through my book and this blog, I hope to share with you what I mean by the concept of the veil.  The veil concept will help Miss Angst understand that Mr. MovingtoArkansas doesn’t love her because he cannot “see” her.  She is covered by a veil.  Although it feels like rejection, it is really God’s protection.

If you are intrigued about my book, the concept of the veil and/or the virtue of chastity, please sign up to receive my blog post automatically (Rectangular ‘Follow’ block, right side of page under my gravatar)!  And, if you would please be so kind as to “Like” my facebook page, I would appreciate seeing you there also. 

Thank you and God bless!