Stop Chasing Him

In my post from two weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

Last week, I addressed #1: Stop sleeping with him. This week, I will address #2:  Stop chasing him.

Why?  Because men are awesome, competent and brave and they are perfectly capable of doing the chasing and initiating!!  And, when he is the one, he will chase you.  He will want to chase you!


First, I will describe what I mean by “chasing”.  I am not promoting the idea of playing head games. That would be cruel.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect simply by the nature of their human dignity.  Nor am I saying that you should approach your relationships with a ‘tit for tat’ kind of keeping score mentality.  When he is the one, it is impossible to keep score because of all the generosity, giving and smiling going on.

What I mean by “chase” is that he is slightly ahead of you emotionally.  You might be thinking, “How can he be ahead of me and chase me at the same time?”  Ah, life is a paradox, isn’t it?  Chasing means he tries to draw you into his life.  He makes plans with you.  He calls you daily just to hear your voice and to make sure you don’t forget about him.  He sees you as a marvelous mystery so he spends his time and energy trying to figure you out and get closer to you.  He envisions a future with you and this, my friend, excites him!

Anthony Buono, the founder of writes in this article:

“You are a woman.  A woman has mystery.  A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery.  A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms.”

Just like we girls struggle with finding Mr. Right, men struggle with finding a girl they believe they can marry and be happy with.  If that girl is the one for him and if she is virtuous, trustworthy and attractive to him, then he will pursue with gusto!

What I am saying is that if he is interested in you, he will chase you.  If he is **not** interested in you, he will either not chase you at all or his chasing will be lame and inconsistent (more on this in a couple of weeks).

Chasing Examples

Here are some examples of chasing:

Marianne Dashwood gets the devastating news that Willoughby married a different girl.

  1. You haven’t heard from him in a couple of days and you are feeling like he has forgotten you.  So, you nonchalantly give him a call or send him a text.  You know, just to say ‘hi”.  But, deep down your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!”  He is happy to hear from you and apologizes for not calling sooner.  He has been super busy with work and stuff and time just got away from him.  Sound familiar?
  2. You do the Marianne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) thing and send him all kinds of texts (Marianne sent Willoughby numerous letters which went unanswered and were returned unopened) and constantly comment on his Facebook page. Your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!” as well as a sense of possession that can be smothering.
  3. His sister is getting married and you are not sure if he plans to take you to the wedding. So, you drop all kinds of hints. You contact his sister and volunteer to help out wherever you can with the wedding. You insert yourself into an event you haven’t been invited to. Your actions (chasing) are tolerated by him but you are left with the feeling that if you had not initiated, you would be sitting home during the blessed event.
  4. You initiate “the talk.” He reassured you that everything is fine but deep down you still feel unsure about his intentions, your future together and his feelings toward you.

The above examples all sound innocent enough.  You may be thinking, “I am an equal in this relationship, therefore I can initiate phone calls, relationship talks and invite myself to weddings.”  Sure, you can.  But, it is not emotionally smart and it will make you feel more insecure rather than less.

In the words of Anthony Buono, “A man can tell when he is dealing with an impatient woman. “

Why Not Initiate?

The reason you should stop chasing and initiating is because he is perfectly capable of chasing you!  But, he will only chase you and initiate things if he is really interested in you.  And, when he is the one his chasing and initiation will be consistent and impressive!

No, no, he is not “afraid” of relationships and he is not “intimidated” by you.  Those worn out excuses are code for the fact that he is not interested enough in you to chase you or he is just too immature to overcome himself and complete his mission.

Again, wisdom from Anthony Buono:  “Men pursue. He will pursue if he is interested.”

He is more than capable of initiating and leading the relationship so let him!  Let him take the lead and then respond to his courageous initiation with a big smile and enthusiasm.  That is pretty much all men need.

Just Smile and Respond With Enthusiasm

I speak from experience.  See all those chasing examples above?  Well, umm, although they are a bit embellished and the details are altered, I may have been guilty of one or two during my single days with guys who were not the one.

But, with my husband, none of that happened.  He was so incredibly interested in me that I never wondered how he felt about me.  I never wondered when I would hear from him again or see him next.  He would tell me what to expect and then follow through.  I never wondered if I would be included in his life.  He was drawing me into his life!  I never had to initiate “the talk” because he was always talking about us and me and how wonderful I am (funny what Superabundance can do!).  And you know what my role was?  I smiled sweetly and responded to his initiation with genuine enthusiasm.  It was so easy!

The Veil

Here is the thing.  When he is the one, he pursues you.  If he is not pursuing you, he is not the one and there is very little you can do about it.  Keep in mind that you are covered by a veil so no matter what you do or how wonderful you are, unless he is the one, he will not see you and therefore he cannot appreciate you.  His initiation will wax and wane.  His pursuit will be lame and inconsistent.  He will run hot and cold.

He is not a bad guy. He is awesome, competent and brave. He just can’t see you.  He only catches glimpses of you and what he sees he likes but it is not the whole vision of you.  Don’t get mad about it.  Give the guy a break and realize what is going on.  This guy is not the one so just let him go.  Stop chasing him and the situation will die a natural death.

Then, you must strive toward virtue (more on this in a future post) and commit to Chastity.  This will ensure that you are ready for the guy who is the one.

In my next post we will talk about expectations and I will encourage you to stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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37 thoughts on “Stop Chasing Him

  1. Need prayer, struggling, the man i love comes and goes, disappears, malignant narsisisit i suspect, 4 years with him, so many excuses for not coming around, so much silence, i am left brokenhearted and alone. How do they say “i love you” and disappear, its evil… I do find myself chasing, and i do not want to. I want to be chased the way he used to. I can not express the sadness in my heart today.

  2. Pingback: Stop Chasing | naughtybutnais

  3. Hello. I’m a guy. If you show interest and then shy away.. to guys it means “oh i must have read her wrong” so then we do not follow up. If you look and then never look back, we will think you weren’t interested in the first place. If you chase and we are not interested in you, then we will not chase you.. Most guys are looking for a girl who shows interest in being more than friends, but if the girl does nothing, and does not look at the guy, then we do not know. I think it’s funny that you think “the one” is the guy that pursues you.. that explains why girls go for “that” jerk that treats you bad and is only around to get in your pants, because that is what pick up artists teach to those kind of guys.. meanwhile us nice guys are still looking for “the one” that actually connects with us.

  4. This helps me so much!! Up until I read this I didn’t ever think anything about asking the guy I like out (we went on a date and hit it off good) but I need to be patient and wait for him. This is a wonderful article!!

  5. Pingback: Stop Chasing Him | Everything For Women…

  6. Yeah, get him to chase you and get him to do all the work and prove to you that HE is interested enough… and you do nothing. That sounds so wonderful!

  7. That truly blessed me cause that what i was doing until last week i was like wait a minute i deserves so much more cause im better then this i no what type of women i am and i deserve a good man. I was line doing all the chasing soing everything and it seem like he ketp not noticing me .net until finally i was lije like your not a bad looking man you canhave anybody you want let just be friends cause im worth more then this treatment. So that was a blessing to read this but i did mess up and text him just said you came a across my mind and i was just seeing how you was doing no hard feeling. But after reading this post tonight there will be no more contacting untill he contact me.

    • Hi sgirl,
      Glory to God that this post blessed you and provided the wisdom needed to see things clearly! I have added you to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayers list and will be praying for you. Thank you for your comment and God bless, Cindy

  8. Pingback: 3 Year Blogiversary! | The Veil of Chastity

  9. Well If I wait for a man to pursue me it never happens!!! I’m always the one that ends up chasing. If I don’t I end up with nada. I guess there are exceptions to the rule.

  10. I have been chasing this guy I have known for 4 months and he keeps making false promises.Saying he will come see me and never shows up. I read your blog and I am going to stop chasing this man. I am worth so much more and deserve the right man. Thank you

  11. Hello i read your information, yes i find myself chssing someone who ,dont chase me,i feel stupid now that i read what u post,please help i need to change this ,thank you

    • That is wonderful, Salmina! I have added you to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list and will be praying for you. I would love to hear how the Lord led you to this freedom from chasing. Please feel free to write to me anytime. Blessings, Cindy

  12. Wow. I have been married 24 years but have several single friends. One is living with a man who’s “just not that into her” and she refuses to believe it. I just sent her this blog post (Hi S!) and I hope she takes it to heart. She is worth SO MUCH MORE THAN GIVING HERSELF AWAY! I pray that she and others reading this realize that happiness does not lie on the other side of a marriage to a man who doesn’t really love you!!

  13. I am so glad I came across this blog. A lot of us woman struggle with low self esteem and our self worth when it comes to the men in our lives. We need to recognize that we are a prize to be won and not be afraid to stand our ground when it comes to getting what we deserve and want in our relationships with men. I hope you’ll continue to inspire every woman to see that we are worthy and to except nothing less. Thank You!

  14. This is soooo good. I used to be a chaser…always left me empty and frustrated. So much truth her, as women we must be pursued, and by being pursued we are allowing men to really be men.

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    I want to encourage continue your great job, have a nice evening!

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  17. I love this- thank you! We women need to let men do the chasing and wooing. It’s their job, not ours. It does take faith to wait and not lose patience and decide to go after a man- that’s so degrading to us though! God can be trusted to bring us the right man at the right time. This is such a timely and wonderful message. Thanks again!!!

    • IYes, I agree. It does take faith to wait and not lose patience. I think if I had known about the veil theory when I was single, it would have been a lot easier! God can be trusted. Thank you for your comment! 🙂 God bless you!

  18. Great post! I agree, he will chase if you let yourself BE chased! I struggled so much with this concept for the longest time!! But Thanks be to God, HE gave me the grace to finally feel confident that I was worth being chased.

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