Do Men Need Help?

Have you ever had an encountered with a guy who flirts with you but never follows up?  Did you blame yourself?  Where you tempted to follow-up with him in the hopes of it turning into a date?

It is easy to think that your response to a man’s flirtation is either too enthusiastic or too nonchalant and that if you could just strike the perfect balance, you would secure more dates.  It is also easy to believe that if a man does not follow-up, then it is because he needs your help.

We Respond

Emotional Chastity includes the understanding that the responsibility for the initiation, follow-up and pursuit lies on the man.  As the girl, your job is only to respond. So, what is the best way to respond to those initial flirtations by men?  What is the fine line between a proper, balanced response and ‘helping’ the man?  Does he even need your help?

Dropping Your Hanky

I received an email from a girl named Becky asking for my advice.  Becky met a guy who flirted with her during a tour he had given to her and a couple of her friends. His flirting seemed to be directed at her specifically. She was highly attracted to him and he was exactly her type.  From the way she described him, he was gorgeous, successful and confident.  He was also not wearing a ring.

So, Becky did a little research on Facebook and Google.  She learned that he was not married.  Check!  He was Catholic.  Check!  And, that he was also slightly older than her.  Check!  So, she asked me if I thought it would be okay if she sent him a little email thanking him for the tour.

Because of her description of him, I did not feel that he was in need of encouragement from girls.  But, I have been wrong, so wrong, before.  So, I told her that her email could be thought of as an old-fashioned ‘dropping your hanky.’  If he picks it up, great!  If he doesn’t, then she at least knows his intentions towards her.

So, she sent him an email.  He responded with a polite, “You are welcome.  Nice to meet you too!”  It seems he did not need any encouragement from her.  Mr. Gorgeous, Successful and Confident knows how to pursue a girl.  He does not need help.

Examples Of Helping

Oh there are so many examples of ‘helping’ to pick from!  Here are some things that we girls do in order to help the relationship get started or continue:

  • Asking for his number, email, twitter, facebook account
  • Directly asking him out on a date
  • Contacting his mother, sister, brother, best friend
  • Changing Churches in the hopes of running into him
  • Unnaturally placing yourself anywhere in his orbit
  • Sending him an email or text, commenting on his FB page, calling him
  • Frequenting his workspace, workplace, dorm
  • Becoming a doormat in order to make the relationship easy for him

Men Decide, We Consider

Another part of Emotional Chastity is realizing how romance works.  In this post, I wrote:

“…Do not even consider a guy or allow him to occupy your heart or thoughts until he has taken you on 3 dates.  Yes, 3 real dates where he pays and impresses you.  Why?  ….because that gives the guy enough time to decide on you.  And, if he has decided on you, then you can consider him.  But, not until then.  That is just the way it works.  Sigh.”

In the world of romance, men decide on us first and then we get to consider them. My Mom always told me this and I did not believe her. I did not like the consider-this-subset-of-men-only rule. I guess I was concerned that I would not like the men that decided on me and therefore my pool of candidates to consider needed to be expanded through my helpful actions. In my younger years, I was a helper of the doormat variety.  LOL

Trust in the LordFaith

Emotional Chastity begins with the belief that you can trust God and that He has a plan for your life and for your vocation.  Once you have this belief, you will have peace. This peace will guide you in all your actions and responses to men.  It will free you from the belief that you have to help men.


Emotional Chastity also requires that you believe in the Supernatural realm.  It is in that realm where God fulfills His plan.  If your vocation was left simply in the natural realm, then I would advise you to do all you can to capture your man before some other girl gets him.  Help him, call him, email him, text him and chase him.  Be the doormat.

But that is not how God designed us women.  He designed us to be the receivers and the responders.  He designed men to be the initiators and the pursuers.  Therefore, you can count on God to infuse Supernatural grace into your man so that he will not need your help.

Of course, this can only happen within the Supernatural realm of God’s will.  So, stay in His will.  Do not stray from His path.

stop yourselfOnce you wrap your arms around this truth, you will have peace even when guys fail to follow-up with you.  You will be able to stop yourself from following up with them, helping them in their pursuit or becoming the doormat.  You will be able to temper your emotions. You will be able to wait on the Lord and His Supernatural Grace.

How Should You Respond?

You will not know if the man who is flirting with you is the one that God has for you so if a man starts to flirt with you, what should you do?  For example, what if you meet a man at Home Depot and he flirts with you?  What if he asks for your number?  What if he texts you instead of calls you? What if he calls once but never follows up beyond that?  What if he never calls? What if he says, “We should go out sometime.”?

If our job is to respond, what should our response be to each of the above scenarios?  Next week, I will share with you some ideas on how to respond.

God love and bless you!

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2 thoughts on “Do Men Need Help?

  1. Couldn’t help but smile reading your article ‘Changing Churches in the hopes of running into him’. it was interesting reading your article and as a guy I used to flirt a lot sometime back till I saw the damage it can do and now since i started living this chaste life, it’s been the most fun ever. For the first time I look at women differently, I love modesty, daily mass…the works. and it all started when I stumbled across some video of a young lady, and her courage to so openly speak about her faith really touched me and suddenly I realized all the messages around me were so wrong, and i had been programmed to accept less and less standards. from what to do when dating to my faith life, and suddenly getting that fire in me that hey I have been a back-benching catholic all my life, and the church’s teaching is so beautiful. so really all I can say to you is thank you for sharing your messages, they have been an inspiration to me as I strive to “catchup”.
    My hope is to one day talk to other young men on-stage about chastity as well…in Africa, where am from, and oddly enough no one has ever talked to us as young people about this, other than in university when Aids-campaigns organizations would visit schools and dispense condoms, abstinence was the last choice since they didn’t think that that was a viable option. as for now I’ll work on building my courage, since am more of a quiet person.
    thanks again

    • God bless you, Tom! It is wonderful to hear from you guys and the effect that the virtue of Chastity has on you. Thank you for your comment. I have added you to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list. Cindy

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