A reader recently wrote to me asking if I felt she had been a fool to pass on the last guy she dated. Without revealing details, it was clear to me that she made the correct decision to pass on his offers of romance.
Her question was not foreign to me. After each break up, I wondered the same thing. “Was he my last chance at marriage?” “Was I a fool to break things off with him?” “Am I being too picky?” And, the longer you are single, the more pronounced these doubts become.
Pass On This Offer
Here are some good reasons to pass on offers of romance:
1. He is married: And by this I mean that he is not free to marry you. Even if he is divorced, an annulment is mandatory even before you can start dating him. In the meantime, pass on this offer.
2. His pursuit is Lame and Inconsistent: Go here to read about this. This is the important part:
“…As the girl, this will be the symptom to look out for: you complain and/or act and feel frustrated. Then, in response to your complaints and frustration, he pulls back instead of addressing your complaint in a way that will completely reassure you….”
Don’t be a practice girl. Pass on this offer. Oh, and read the book, Real Men Don’t Text.
3. He refuses to have children with you if you were to marry: If he has an annulment but also has had a vasectomy, then he needs to be willing (not just open to the idea but willing) to have a reversal. His age is not an excuse. This is especially true when you, as the future wife, have a strong desire for children.
Either way, today reversals are no big deal. If the guy was willing to go under the knife to have his fertility snipped, then, he should be more than willing to go through a reversal to have it potentially restored. Seriously, marital love will die unless the couple is open to life. If he has the reversal and still no children result, then your marital love will not be at risk. You as a couple have done everything in your power to cooperate with God. Anything other than that, pass on this offer.
4. He is mean or selfish: Does he drive recklessly? Does he gamble or spend money recklessly? Does he talk disparaging about his Mother? Is he always angry towards his boss, his coworkers or his job? Does he act as if everything is the fault of others and that his life is one big rip-off? Is he prejudice against others who are not like him? Does he not pay for dates? Oh girl, pass on this offer.
5. He is irresponsible: He must have a job or spend 8 hours a day looking for a new job. Look at his track record with regard to work . He does not need to make a lot of money, but he does need to understand his role as the provider. Money is not the issue, your respect for him is. If he doesn’t have a job and is not looking for one, pass on this offer.
6. He is currently dealing with an addiction: These include but are not limited to: alcohol, drugs, excessive financial success, porn. Don’t try to save him. Only the Lord’s grace can free him from these chains. Let the thought of winning your love be his motivation (from a safe distance without communication). In the meantime, pass on this offer.
7. He is not Catholic: This may be a negotiable for some of you. It was not for me. If it is a negotiable, then he cannot have a negative attitude towards your faith. He must be supportive and respectful. If not, pass on this offer.
8. You are not sexually attracted to him: Okay, girls, I put this one last because it is the least important. However, keep in mind that you will be sleeping with this man and sharing the marital embrace with him for the rest of your life! He will know if you are not sexually attracted to him. If you cannot bear the thought of sharing the marital embrace with him, pass on this offer.
You may even get harassed by family and friends for passing on offers of romance with guys who have any of those 8 issues. This one stupid scene in When Harry Met Sally has put fear in women over the last 24 years:
At Least You Could Say You Were Married??
Yes, if you accept the offer of a man with any of the 8 issues listed above, then at least you can say you were married. That is, if he really proposes and marries you. But, you will spend valuable time dating him when you could be free to date and marry a guy without all those issues.
And, you will always wonder about the possibilities you missed out on by not waiting for a guy who is available, completely into you, open to life, generous, responsible, free from serious addiction, Catholic (or at least respectful of your faith) and sexually attractive (to you).
I believe the virtue of Chastity provides a hedge of protection against the 8 issues above. I call the hedge of protection The Veil. The purpose of this post is to support you when others say “What was wrong with him?” or “You’re too picky”. I want to reassure you that you have made the right decision to pass on the offer of romance from any guy with those 8 issues. The Veil has accomplished its purpose and your decision to pass on his offer is a sacrifice that will bear fruit.
Deep Dive into #7 and #8
I have much more to say about issue #7 and #8, especially as it pertains to the supernatural aspect of chastity and The Veil. I will also reiterate that when he is the right man, you will know. I will expand on my thoughts in next week’s post.
God love and bless you!
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