“To the wrong person, you’ll never have any worth. But to the right person, you’ll mean everything.”
I’d like to address the time factor in dating. I get emails from women from all over the world and usually their writing to me is prompted by a feeling of confusion. They are dating a “great guy” but things are not moving forward toward marriage in at timely manner. These women stay in the relationship in the hopes that more time will allow this great guy to make up his mind in her favor. In the meantime, she gives and gives and grows more anxious and resentful.
He Has Enough Information
I just want to simply say that more time does not usually help a man decide to marry a woman. He often has enough information, pretty early on, to make his decision to marry. But, under certain circumstances, fails to decide for marriage and instead makes the decision to sit on the fence.
These circumstances include him having everything he wants without the need to commit. He can also tend to reject the things about her that are inconvenient or troublesome but does not break things off. Leaving her off-balance.
The Perpetual Audition
In the meantime, the girl feels the need to audition. She feels the need to be on her best behavior so as to not rock the boat. It makes it hard for her to be herself.
Everyone Has Hang-Ups
Everyone has some level of neurosis (a funny word to me). We all have our issues. I remember when Gregg and I were engaged and I was visiting him in Kansas City. We went to a NASCAR race with a bunch of his friends and family. For some reason, our clothes were wet. Maybe because of rain? I can’t remember. Anyway, all the girls told me that I could borrow their clothes when we got back to their house. But, I wanted to wear my own clothes. So, Gregg drove me back to his house which was completely out of the way. I could not explain why I needed to have my own clothes and he was not real happy about it. But, I felt free to express my needs and, out of love, he accepted this about me. Even today, he jokingly says “I should have known.” whenever one my weird hang-ups surfaces. And surface they do. But, he puts it all in perspective. I guess it is all that Superabundance!
One of the many benefits of Chastity is that it moves things along. It also prevents the angst that comes with the audition and the potential rejection after giving yourself, body and soul. It prevents all the head games, testing, disrespect, mistrust and manipulation that result from trying to control a situation that feels very out of control.
Here is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about Chastity
- 2338 The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. This integrity ensures the unity of the person; it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it. It tolerates neither a double life nor duplicity in speech.
Here is what the Angelic Warfare Confraternity tells us about Chastity:
- “Chastity is the virtue that brings the sexual appetite into harmony with reason. It requires, not the renunciation of sexuality, but the right or reasonable use of it…….. Reason is a light that illuminates what we are doing so that we can behave in a way that is consistent with our best interest……
- One of the fundamental problems that unchastity brings about is a blindnessthat leads directly to acts of imprudence. A person who is inflamed by lustful desires is hardly in a position to do what is good for himself or anyone else.
- Unchastity tends to destroy prudence and to prevent a person from maintaining the self-possession or integrity he needs in order to “be himself”in the proper sense of the term.
- In the absence of chastity, a person is easily seducedinto doing things that are beneath his dignity, things that are shameful, things that do not accord with who he truly is.
Unchastity leads to a feeling of betrayal and, at the same time, the participating in the betrayal of oneself. In the words of Archbishop Fulton Sheen:
“The greatest betrayals come from within.”
Guys know a lot earlier than they let on when they don’t want to marry a girl. If things drag on, then that is usually because he has already decided that he is not going to marry the girl. Time, in this case, is not going to help. Therefore, he does not need more time.
May I recommend a post which contains this snippet? Are You A Priority Or An Option?
“So, I encourage you to ask yourself this question about your current relationship: Are you a priority or just an option? If you are just an option, break up and don’t look back. Don’t delay your opportunity to be treated like a priority by the right man. Don’t tie up your heart on a man who could take you or leave you. Keep your heart free so that the Lord can move in your life and so that you can follow His will. Keep your emotions holy so as to not deepen the crevices of anger, mistrust, self-blame and disappointment.”
If you need encouragement to do this, feel free to write to me at: email@example.com
God love and bless you!
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Cindy, why do you think that men string women along even when they know they don’t want to marry them? I understand that for a lot of men, it’s sex, but why would a practising Catholic/Christian man (whose girlfriend is, I assume, not sleeping with him) string things out?
I’ve heard the opinion that a woman should break up with a man after a year if he hasn’t at least mentioned marrying her (the opinion-giver added the caveat that the man and woman should both be finished with university in order for this rule to apply.) What do you think?
Hi Julia! Great questions. I think I will answer in next week’s post! 🙂 Blessings, Cindy