I am writing for advice. After taking a year off from online dating, I just signed up for Catholic Match. In the past, I did eHarmony and Match, with no luck. I also realized that any time I initiated contact with a guy (a wink or “liking” one of his photos), we might end up messaging, but nothing has ever come of it beyond that. So my online dating strategy has been to write the best profile that I can, then just wait and hope. Most of my friends think this is crazy to be so passive when one is paying for a dating service. Can you tell me what you think? (especially since I’m pretty sure you said you met your husband via Catholic Match)?
Dear Patiently Waiting,
I believe that the need for the guy to initiate contact is the same no matter whether it is online or in real life. Maybe even more so and here is why:
The two of you have joined the online dating site for, hopefully, the same reason: Marriage If a guy is going to pay money to have access to hundreds (thousands?) of potential wives, it only makes sense that he would be aggressive in his search. If he is sitting back and waiting for girls to initiate contact, then that, to me, indicates that he is missing one or all of the three R’s.
The Three R’s
Resourcefulness: He is not very resourceful and this will drive you craaazy in a marriage.
A resourceful man will spend time searching for his love and with online dating, it could not be easier. It takes his search from several billion (in the whole world) to several thousand (on the site). And, if it is a Catholic site, his search is narrowed down even more because every single girl is of his same faith. All he has to do is read profiles, look at photos, send an email and decide if he wants to pursue her. Easy peasy. If he considers this hard or too difficult, then this says something about him. He is not resourceful (read: lazy). A lazy man in marriage is the worst. No, no you do not want this!
Readiness: He is not ready for marriage and this will drive you craaazy as you ‘date’ him.
Like a toddler who plays with his food by moving it around on a plate, some guys just play with the girls on the site by texting, emailing and even dating. But, his efforts have no end goal behind them. It is just something to do until he is ready. The toddler is not hungry nor does the food on the plate inspire his taste buds. Same with the guy who is on the site but is not ready for marriage. He is not hungry nor is he incentivized to seek out someone to satisfy his hunger.
Realistic: He is not realistic and this is a huge turnoff. Or, it should be. Some guys see online dating as a source for young, perfect and holy women to pick from. They are hoping for girls who are, dare I say, out of their league. For example, he is 45 and his filter is for girls age 20 – 30. He is not attractive yet he only initiates contact with the girls who have many guys fighting to get their attention. The problem is he has not properly assessed himself. He is just not realistic.
He Picks You, Then You Decide
A man who is resourceful, ready and realistic will use the site to his advantage to successfully find his wife. He knows himself well enough to know who he can attract and who, most likely, will not be interested in him. This man will make you feel cherished and pursued.
Once he picks you, then you are in a position to decide if he is right for you. It is a horrible feeling to “pick” a guy only to have him decide against you.
The Problem With Female Initiation
When girls initiate contact online, they feed the beast and they weaken his resourcefulness. Like a toddler, he feels justified in playing with his food (you and your feelings). Besides, he didn’t even have to get up to put the food on his plate. It just arrived. And he wasn’t hungry. In his mind, this is not his fault!
A wink or a ‘like’ seems harmless and maybe it is. But, would you wink at a guy in real life just out of the blue? It puts the guy in the role of the pursued rather than the pursuer.
Finally, when girls initiate contact, it prevents the man from assessing himself truthfully. It makes him think that he can get a girl without even trying and that he is highly sought after. This is not good for him nor is it good for your sisters in Christ. Rather than being humble and realistic, he is full of himself. Rather than pursuing a sister in Christ and marrying her, he is stuck in fantasy land because you have contributed to the trend of female initiation.
Let Him Suffer Through It
There is nothing better for a man than solitude and honest introspection. It is good for him to take risks and it is good for his future wife as well. He will always think “I did it! successfully wooed her! Isn’t she amazing!” It is good for him to exhaust himself in his search only to finally find the pearl of a great price.
I kid you not, this superabundance thing is your secret to attracting your husband. The supernatural power of Chastity makes you like a magnet for the right guy. Keep in mind that there is physical Chastity (the right application of our bodies and fertility) and emotional Chastity (the right application of our emotions). Let’s add one more: Behavioral Chastity. This could be described as the right use of your mind, intellect and actions. This includes not allowing yourself to believe that you have to compete as if you are ‘of the world.‘ No, you belong to the Lord and you must think and act in accordance with that belief.
It Is Not A Competition
God’s will does not require you to compete for your husband. You will not need to become the aggressor in order to get your man’s attention. Your Father in heaven may be saddened at the idea of his precious daughter acting like you have to control something that is not yours to control. You can trust in the Lord.
Go here for more online dating advice: Mr. Online Man
God love and bless you!
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