When He Writes, “Feel Free to…”

Many of you are participating in online dating.  What should you do when somewhere in the exchange, the guy says, “Feel free to call/text/message me.”  I hear this from many girls who get confused about what it means.  What should you do when a guy puts the ball in your court?


I was just writing to a girl the other day and I told her that I hate to be the Debbie Downer. I am sure some girls think my advice is to be too harsh on guys.  But, it is a pattern I see.  If a guy is putting the ball in the girl’s court without any intention of risking himself in the pursuit, then it usually means that he is lukewarm in his interest.

It usually means that his feelings are such that if the girl takes the bait and initiates, then he is ‘fine’ with it.  She may be able to keep him occupied and from feeling lonely while he keeps his eyes open for someone he can feel passionate about.

As you can imagine, this is a tough pill to swallow for the girl….especially when she is attracted to him and hopeful of a positive outcome.

Smiley Face

Another girl was texting with a guy who kept putting the ball in her court. He was one of those “feel free to text me.” kind of guys. They had gone on one date and then he would contact her sporadically.

I told her to just respond with a smiley face. So she did this even though her mother disagreed.  But, in the end, the guy eventually gave up. It could be said that he stopped ‘messing with her.‘ All the half-hearted lobs he was tossing her made her feel that she needed to be the one to keep the ball in play.  It made her doubt herself.  It really messed with her.  I felt that, after a certain amount of back and forth, the only way to respond to this guy was with a smile.


I have shared before that Gregg gave me his phone number but he never said, “Feel free to call me.”  Instead he said, “Here is my phone number in the event you are not comfortable giving me yours.”  This is different.  He took my preferences into consideration and revealed that he was willing to be the one to call and take that risk.

I feel that men who put the ‘pursuit’ ball in the girl’s court are unwilling to take a risk.  And, isn’t that really what dating requires?  But, in order to risk, the guy has to feel that the payoff is worth it.  And, then he has to be ready and willing to take it.

The 3 R’s

I wrote a post back in July which described the 3 R’s which are needed before a guy will take that risk.  He needs to be Resourceful, Ready and Realistic. It is fine if a guy is not motivated to pursue you.  In fact, he should only pursue you if he is truly interested in you.  But, the only way for his half-hearted ‘feel free to’ lobs to stop is for you to interpret the signs and realize what is going on.

The Veil

I haven’t mentioned the veil in a while so some of you may not know this little theory of mine. I invite you to check it out as a way to stay encouraged the next time a guy says “Feel free to.”  No, my dear girl, the one that God has for you will not take such a chance by putting the ball in your court.  He will take the risk and pursue you.  If he says “feel free to” then feel free to ignore his half-hearted invitation. 🙂

If you are in need of encouragement or advice, my email is theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

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8 thoughts on “When He Writes, “Feel Free to…”

  1. In those situations, I just toss the ball back I’m the man’s court. I tell him that I don’t pursue men, and give him my number and tell him to call me. He usually does! From that point forward, he must pursue. I tell men that I’m not going to call or text them, and this works, because 9 out of 10 times, they start pursuing me.

    I’m not Catholic, but I love your posts! May God bless you for helping so many young women!!!

    • I do the same thing too, but I find that it often makes for an awkward conversation, as guys don’t always know how to take that. They do pursue me as well after I say that to them, but it’s usually in a half-hearted, confused sort of way-or worse: some feel that since they now called/texted/pursued me, that I *ought* to be interested, because I “made them do the work”. This is why I really like Cindy’s advice-it addresses the problem without having to put the guy on the spot. I think it makes things emotionally easier on both parties to go the indirect route.

  2. Oh my gosh!! Thank you for addressing this-I hate it when guys do this!! Do you have any tips for what to do if it happens in person, though? I guess maybe a polite, physical smile of “uhhh-do-you-really-mean-that?” would prolly be a good response, no? Anyways, great post! 🙂

    • Thank you for your sweet comment, Gloria. I would respond *playfully* by smiling and saying, “You feel free to do the same.” Maybe even give him a wink. Then, see what he does. The whole idea is to put the ball back in his court. If he likes you, then he will enjoy this playful interchange and then he will take the ball and do something with it. But, if he is only marginally interested, then he will most likely drop the ball and this is fine. Then, you know! You are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you! Hugs, Cindy

  3. Pingback: Dating Advice From A Friend | Keeping-It-Real

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