But even when I am afraid, I keep on trusting you. | Psalm 56:3

 I believe the Holy Spirit has been leading me to write this post about Fear for a while. I was holding back because I don’t want to admit how much Fear played a role in my life.  But, when the Holy Spirit wants something, He lets us know and it makes it awful hard to avoid His gentle promptings.

I was at Mass on Friday and as I mentioned in my 7QTs, it was the feast day of St. Ignatius of Antioch.  Our priest, Father Ray, based his whole homily on fighting Fear and how St. Ignatius of Antioch is our model in doing so.  As you may know, he was martyred for his Catholic Faith in the year 107AD. He was empowered with such courage because of the grace he received from Jesus in the Eucharist.  He, like all Christians of his day, knew the Eucharist is the body and blood of Jesus.  He died, rather than renounce this truth.  Now, that is a man with Fortitude!  

Fortitude

Back in the late 90’s, I belonged to an on-line group of girls called the WUMTHS (Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex).  My code name in the group was Fortitude.  Not because I had so much fortitude but because I wanted to have it.

You see, I knew that Fear was an issue for me.  Sure, I was afraid of never getting married but for me, the fear I experienced had more to do with getting married.

Yes, I was afraid to get married.

Paralyzed By Fear

I was emailing with a girl recently who is dating a nice catholic guy.  He has a job, interesting hobbies, friends, nice family, is cute and practices his faith for real.  So, what is the problem?  The problem is that she is not sure if she feels a spark or not.

As I have stated before, romantic love cannot be explained. It is mysterious and beautiful and confounding.  It cannot be manufactured.  However, as I was writing with this girl, I felt the Holy Spirit’s prompting in asking her about her fears.  Could her fears be keeping her from getting serious with this guy?

I do think our fears can paralyze us.  I felt that intense paralysis as a single girl.  I wanted to be married but I felt stuck because marriage requires so much intimacy and exposure.  I am not just talking about the marital embrace. I am talking about everything!

This dear girl responded saying that yes, she does struggle with fear and that she struggles with perfectionism.

Perfection

I understand the pressure to be perfect.  I was one of those girls who struggled with it and just could not imagine being loved with all my faults.  I believed that if I could just get rid of my faults, then I could get over my fears!

Humility

You have faults too.  Maybe you are not the best housekeeper.  Maybe your legs are not silky-smooth.  Maybe you have cellulite and hair all over your body.  Maybe your double chin becomes pronounced in your sleep.  Do you have strange eating habits? Maybe you are not always kind or positive.  Do these faults make you fearful of 24/7 intimacy with a man?  Do you believe you will be rejected once the faults are discovered (and they will be in marriage)?

Even with these faults, you can be loved by a man.  In fact, these ‘faults’ may be exactly what endears him to you.  These ‘faults’ give you that beautiful human dimension which will do two things.  First, they will calm down the fears your husband has about himself. Second, they will give you the daily dose of humility needed in marriage.

But what should this girl do?

To be continued…..here

Next week I will continue this post.  In the meantime, will you ask yourself if your fears are keeping you paralyzed and keeping you from trusting God?  If so, let’s discuss some potential causes.   I will then share how the Lord healed me.

And of course you are welcome to email me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

Last week’s post asked the question, “Does God ‘take away’ our desires?” and in it I shared that God, instead of taking away our desires, wants to put our desires in proper order. In response to that post, Amy provided this comment: 

“Cindy, what does a having a healthy and ordered desire for marriage feel like? Sometimes I struggle with despair and don’t know if those feelings are disordered or if it’s just my God-given desire for marital union. When do you think that natural desire turns disorderly? Thanks!”

Healthy Desires

“…what does a having a healthy and ordered desire for marriage feel like?

Unfortunately Amy, I don’t really know.   Prior to being married, my desire for marriage went through several stages.  First it felt unruly.  Then, it felt disordered.  Then, I felt numb.

Stages of Healing

Initially, my desire for marriage was unruly.  It was disruptive, wayward, intractable, recalcitrant and any other adjective you can think of.  For some, this unruliness can manifest itself in unhealthy outward actions.  But for me, I turned it inward on myself. 

Once I returned to a Sacramental life of grace, things got better.  But, only to a point.  I still felt disordered.  I was still preoccupied with being united with my husband and wondering if it was ever going to happen.  I still suffered judgment and ridicule from others for not being married and my heart was in constant pain.  Hot tears that sting your eyes and lump-in-throat kind of pain.  But, I was not acting out nor was I turning inward against myself.

Then, I went through a final stage where I felt numb.  I compare it to the anesthesia I had during my C-section.  I could see all the activity going on around me but I could not feel any pain. I was still somewhat preoccupied with my desire for marriage but I was not in pain.  Looking back, this was an extraordinary gift of grace.

Despair

“…I struggle with despair…”

Amy, you mentioned that you feel despair at times. Despair is the complete absence of Hope. I never felt true despair and I wonder if you have truly experienced it.  My guess is that what you are experiencing is doubt.  I felt that.  I always had Hope, but, I did doubt that I would ever get married. 

Feelings Are Not The Problem

“…and don’t know if those feelings are disordered or if it’s just my God-given desire for marital union…”

Your desire for marriage will result in various intense feelings.  But, the feelings are not the problem.  The problem is what you do with the feelings.  Do you curse God?  Do you avoid Him in worship?  Do you regularly lash out at others in anger?  Do you live a life of promiscuity? Are certain areas of your life obsessive or compulsive?  This is when you know your desire is disordered.

Your hunger for marriage could be likened to your hunger for food.  Both are natural, God-given feelings/desires and neither are wrong.  But, an extended time of fasting will take its toll on you as will a life of extended singleness.

What you are feeling and experiencing is completely natural and understandable. The healing processes teaches us what to do with these natural feelings.

Towards Healing

“When do you think that natural desire turns disorderly”

Again, desires become disordered when we act out our feelings in a way that leads us away from God. But we can always turn back towards Him.

Note that in my experience, the process went in a positive direction…towards healing rather than towards disorder.  I healed over time as I grew closer to the Lord in obedience.

My Healing

Did God take away my desire?  No.  But, He did draw me closer to Him and over time as I drew near to Him, something happened. 

I made a decision to walk with the Lord.  He is the answer to the peace I needed.  It seemed obvious to me that my obedience was required.  So, I prayed and worshiped Him at Mass. I went to Confession regularly.  I read books about the faith. I taught CCD. I sang songs of praise. I started jogging.  I surrounded myself with marvelous comrades.  The Lord became my portion and my cup.  I claimed Him for my prize. I gave myself to Him.

My mind healed as I read His word in Sacred Scripture.  To this day, I favor the Old Testament because I know what it is like to walk in the desert.  I relate well to Job and Isaiah.  The book of Deuteronomy and the Psalms spoke to me daily and guarded my heart and mind.

“Lord, listen to my prayer; turn your ear to my appeal. You are faithful, you are just; give answer. Do not call your servant to judgment, for no one is just in your sight. The enemy pursues my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me dwell in darkness like the dead, long forgotten. Therefore my spirit fails; my heart is numb within me. I remember the days that are past: I ponder all your works. I muse on what your hand has wrought and to you I stretch out my hands. Like a parched land my soul thirsts for you. Lord, make haste and answer; for my spirit fails within me. Do not hide your face lest I become like those in the grave. In the morning let me know your love, for I put my trust in you. Make me know the way I should walk: to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies; I have fled to you for refuge. Teach me to do your will for you, O Lord, are my God. Let your good spirit guide me in ways that are level and smooth. For your name’s sake, Lord, save my life; in your justice save my soul from distress.” Psalm 143, 1-11

Time

I am wondering, dear Amy, if you are going through the same process? It may feel like this time of singleness is leading you towards more disorder.  But, if you are walking with the Lord, and I do believe you are, then I believe that your desires are being ordered by Him through this process.  Trust in the process. Trust in His timing. Trust in the Lord.

If anyone is struggling, please feel free to write to me: theveilochastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

I received a number of emails this week from girls who want to know why God does not take away our desires for marriage.  They want to know why He gives us these desires when He knows full well that He is not going to bless us with them!  Would it not seem more compassionate and loving to remove them and end our suffering?

Ahhhh, such good questions!  The only answers I have are from my own experience.  In this post, I am only going to address healthy desires which can become unruly.

Ordered Vs. Disordered

Your desire for a husband and children is healthy!  My post, He Will Rule Over You, explains why we experience these desires.  But, these good and healthy desires need to be tamed and put under the Lordship of Christ.  These desires, without God’s grace, can become very unruly.

Instead of taking them away, God teaches us to call into order our disordered emotions, habits and desires. But this takes….time.

 Time

Our whole life is a letting go process. Living a Sacramental Life in Christ allows us to call into order our disordered passions and desires.

Not living this Sacramental life will delay the process.  It will make us bitter towards God and accuse Him of withholding something that is good and healthy.  It will make those disordered desires so big, obsessive and compulsive.  A life without Sacramental grace will lead us further and further away from the healing we need.  It will delay our freedom from disorder.

So, let’s assume you are living a Sacramental Life in Christ.  How much time is required to heal you and order your passions?  This is the part I cannot answer.   But I will share the method He used with me.

Method

One thing I learned as a Mom is how to get an object from a child.  If you try to take it from them, they resist.  But, if you say, “Will you please put that toy in my hand?” they more than likely will smile and put it in your hand. It is the weirdest thing!

In my experience, God does not take things from us when we are tightly gripping on to them.  Instead, when we live a Sacramental life of grace, He sort of ‘heats things up’ so that we feel it burning in our hands and let go of it on our own.

Trust

  I put this quote from Maura Byrne from Made In His Image in my 7QTs and got such positive response from it:

“As she looked back on her life she saw that every time she was rejected from something she desperately wanted, it was really our Heavenly Father whispering gently to her, “Hold on sweetheart I have something so much better for you. Let me surprise you.”

If I were to rewrite it for this post, I would say,

“As she looked back on her life she saw that every time she tightly gripped on to something good she desperately wanted, our Heavenly Father gently convince her to let go of it. He did this by whispering , “Will you please let go and place your trust in Me so I can heal you and order your desires in accordance with My will?”

Know that the process is not easy or quick.  But, God knows exactly how to do it.  He desires for us to be free of the things that control us and keep us from having peace. He desires to free us from disorder and instead order our lives in accordance with our human dignity.  It is unlikely that he will spontaneously take away your desires.  But, there is more going on in the background than you can ever know or imagine.  You can trust Him.

What are you gripping on to?  Will you let go and hand it to God?

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

“Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;

Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle’s compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.”

William Shakespeare Sonnet 116

Some believe that a man ‘decides‘ to romantically fall in love with a girl.  I am not sure how a person would decide to have romantic feelings nor do I believe that this would be a good thing.  Instead, I hope to convince you that romantic love is sacrifice, not a decision.  Sacrifice is often the most revealing sign of romantic love.   

Actions Are Evidence 

I hear from girls who are dating men who they hope ‘decide’ to fall in love and marry them.  They write to me asking for my thoughts and I usually focus on his actions rather than his words.  Is he following through on what he says he is going to do?  Is he making changes in his life to accommodate you and invite you in?  Is his job, the military, his sister, NASCAR, football or his mom more important than you?  Is the drive too long to see you? Do you not fit in with his friends? Are the things that are important to you supported by him? 

What Motivates Men?

You see, men are motivated by something very mysterious.  They fall in love first and then decide to make sacrifices for that love.  A man, in most cases, does not decide to sacrifice in order to feel love.  It is unlikely that he will think that giving up NASCAR will enhance his love for you.  NASCAR will only be bumped down in priority when romantic love is evident.

An Ever-Fixed Mark

Love cannot be explained.  Note that Shakespeare mostly says what love is ‘not.’  Yet, his description of what it is, an ‘ever-fixed mark’, is perfect. Romantic love that leads to marriage should be unshakable.  You should feel it is as dependable as the rising of the sun when you lay your head on your pillow.

Love is Sacrifice

The book of Corinthians tells us that, “love does not insist on its own way.”

^“ Love is patient and kind…It does not insist on its own way..” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Sacrifice is what you want to look for when assessing a man’s intentions and depth of romantic love.  Sacrifice is the evidence that the man has found a pearl of great price. That does not mean that you are not a pearl. It just means that you are not his pearl.  But, you are someone’s pearl.

Not Motivated By Me

I dated a guy when I was just out of college who married the next girl he dated after me.  For reasons I won’t go into, I was able to witness the sacrifices he made for her. I was astonished by the influence and say-so she had in their relationship. There was a number of times I was left with my mouth gaping because I did not think this guy was capable of sacrifice.  Alas, he was.  He was motivated by romantic love and he decided to sacrifice…for her.

Love Is

To wrap up, here are some quotes from a past post, I Knew:

“True love and attraction are mysteries.   Love just is or it just isn’t. It cannot be explained.  No matter how wonderful we are, we cannot manufacture true love and attraction.  And, this can be exasperating.” 

“Love and attraction are a mystery.  The mystery can confound you when it slips through your hands.  But, the mystery will completely overwhelm you with joy, gratitude and awe when it is yours to behold.” 

“Wait on the Lord.  Wait on the mystery that is love.  When it is yours, you will know.  I know it is hard.  You remain in my prayers.”

Are you dating someone and find it difficult to assess his romantic feelings for you?  Feel free to write to me.  I will be happy to help.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

I received this comment in response to last week’s post, He Doesn’t Need More Time: 

Cindy, why do you think that men string women along even when they know they don’t want to marry them? I understand that for a lot of men, it’s sex, but why would a practising Catholic/Christian man (whose girlfriend is, I assume, not sleeping with him) string things out? 

I’ve heard the opinion that a woman should break up with a man after a year if he hasn’t at least mentioned marrying her (the opinion-giver added the caveat that the man and woman should both be finished with university in order for this rule to apply.) What do you think?

These are really two questions but I think they are linked together. A man will sit on the fence for a number of reasons but it is up to the girl to not let it drag on.  The amount of time that a girl should allow a guy to decide is determined by the quality of the continued pursuit because the quality of the pursuit is a reflection of his intentions to marry her or not.  Rarely is the pursuit strong and consistent when his intentions are to not to marry the girl.  The symptoms are usually glaring.

But, he doesn’t break it off. Why?

What Is In It For Him and Why?

If sex is not the motivating factor for a guy to keep dating a girl he knows he doesn’t want to marry, then what is it?  I wrote about this in the post, Stop Responding To Lame And Inconsistent Initiation.  The reasons could be: she is meeting a need, she is a practice girl or the Veil

Meeting A Need

These needs can be physical (is the realtionship 100% chaste? because you know….), emotional or social needs.  Or, it can be simply that you build up his ego by your strong interest in him.  Your chasing, responding and flirtation are making him feel great! 

If his initiation is lame or inconsistent, then move on. If he fails to reassure you about his future intentions, then move on.  It may be the only way he can acknowledge to himself what his intentions are towards you.

Practice Girl

Have you ever heard of the term practice girl?  Sometimes, not always, guys like to practice on girls who will let them.  They practice their skills in asking a girl out, calling girls, kissing girls, etcetera (yes, etcetera!).  But, the guys know deep down that they are just practicing for the big game (marriage) rather than sincerely pursuing these practice girls.  So, they manage the situation by pushing the emotional boundaries and then pulling back so that the girl’s expectations remain low and in check.

When this happens, you are a good-for-now girl.  Ugh. Move on.

The Veil

You may be wondering why he pursues you at all if his intentions are not on the up and up?  Well, I believe that in addition to having his needs met, he also likes what he sees in you.  But he can’t fully see you.  I believe that we are all covered by a veil and only the one that God intends for us to marry, our Holy Spouse, can see us fully.

Is Age A Factor?

I was counseling a girl recently who is in her 40’s and dating a guy in his 50’s.  They dated for 9 months before things fell apart.  In my opinion, the guy had enough time to know if he wanted to marry her.  I shared with her that Gregg and I met in September 2001 and were married in 2002.  And, we were long-distance. Older men really have no excuse to sit on the fence.  They know.

So, yes.  Age is a factor on both ends of the spectrum.  If the couple has not completed University, then it may be prudent to marry once they are done.  But, I would link the justified delay to their age and maturity, not to their educational goals.

How Long?

Warning:  This is my opinion: If the couple is free to marry, then the marriage discussion should be on the table, prompted by him, in the first 6 months.  Engagement should follow within a year of dating.  And, the wedding should take place 6 to 8 months after the engagement.  For each of these milestones, my question would be, “If not, why not?”

Free To Marry

What does free to marry mean?  It means that he has a job and is free to marry in the Church (annulment). If he can’t afford to date, then he cannot afford to be married. This is why those still in college may not be free to marry. Also, if he is still married to another girl and is in need of an annulment, then he is not free to marry you.

We Must Be Observant

It is up to the girl to do what is in her best interest.  Is his pursuit lame or inconsistent?  Has he not mentioned marriage in the first 6 months?  Has he not proposed in the first year?  Has he proposed but not set a near-term date?  Is he not reassuring when you point out the delay?

Then, you know.  Move on.

Are There Exceptions?

Yes, there are legitimate exceptions.  But, I think they are rare. And, there is usually a good reason behind the delay.  Sometimes the guy needs a little itty bitty nudge:

One girl wrote to me and shared that her boyfriend of one year said he needed 6 more months to decide about marriage. They were completely chaste…..not even a kiss.  I advised her to give him the six months, but if he has not proposed by then, she should break up with him.  She talked to him about it and shared her feelings in a very rational, yet understandably emotional, way.  It was not an ultimatum but instead an acknowledgement on her part of what is in her best interest.  She was starting to feel very off-balance by the length time she had put into the relationship and they were both in their late 20’s.  They were clearly free to marry.  Anyway, she spoke to him and within 3 days he proposed to her.  Their beautiful wedding took place 7 months later. He didn’t really need more time.  He needed a gentle, confident nudge. 🙂

Sometimes the guy has to get his financial house or other type of ‘life house’ in order.  If that is the case, then he should be having an open discussion with you about his intentions and he should reassure you with a reasonable timeline.  Someday is not a date.

If I can help you assess your specific dating situation, please feel free to write to me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

Next week:  Even secular, non-chaste guys agree that a girl should not wait around for a guy to decide.  I will share an article by a secular, non-chaste dating ‘coach’ who backs up the limited time factor.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

“To the wrong person, you’ll never have any worth.  But to the right person, you’ll mean everything.”

I’d like to address the time factor in dating.  I get emails from women from all over the world and usually their writing to me is prompted by a feeling of confusion.  They are dating a “great guy” but things are not moving forward toward marriage in at timely manner.  These women stay in the relationship in the hopes that more time will allow this great guy to make up his mind in her favor.  In the meantime, she gives and gives and grows more anxious and resentful.

He Has Enough Information

I just want to simply say that more time does not usually help a man decide to marry a woman.  He often has enough information, pretty early on, to make his decision to marry.  But, under certain circumstances, fails to decide for marriage and instead makes the decision to sit on the fence.

These circumstances include him having everything he wants without the need to commit.  He can also tend to reject the things about her that are inconvenient or troublesome but does not break things off. Leaving her off-balance.

The Perpetual Audition

In the meantime, the girl feels the need to audition.  She feels the need to be on her best behavior so as to not rock the boat.  It makes it hard for her to be herself.

Everyone Has Hang-Ups

Everyone has some level of neurosis (a funny word to me).  We all have our issues.  I remember when Gregg and I were engaged and I was visiting him in Kansas City.  We went to a NASCAR race with a bunch of his friends and family.  For some reason, our clothes were wet.  Maybe because of rain?  I can’t remember.  Anyway, all the girls told me that I could borrow their clothes when we got back to their house.  But, I wanted to wear my own clothes.  So, Gregg drove me back to his house which was completely out of the way.  I could not explain why I needed to have my own clothes and he was not real happy about it. But, I felt free to express my needs and, out of love, he accepted this about me.  Even today, he jokingly says “I should have known.” whenever one my weird hang-ups surfaces.  And surface they do. But, he puts it all in perspective.  I guess it is all that Superabundance!

Chastity

One of the many benefits of Chastity is that it moves things along.  It also prevents the angst that comes with the audition and the potential rejection after giving yourself, body and soul.  It prevents all the head games, testing, disrespect, mistrust and manipulation that result from trying to control a situation that feels very out of control.

Here is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about Chastity

• 2338 The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. This integrity ensures the unity of the person; it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it. It tolerates neither a double life nor duplicity in speech.

Here is what the Angelic Warfare Confraternity tells us about Chastity:  

• “Chastity is the virtue that brings the sexual appetite into harmony with reason.  It requires, not the renunciation of sexuality, but the right or reasonable use of it…….. Reason is a light that illuminates what we are doing so that we can behave in a way that is consistent with our best interest……
• One of the fundamental problems that unchastity brings about is a blindnessthat leads directly to acts of imprudence.  A person who is inflamed by lustful desires is hardly in a position to do what is good for himself or anyone else.
• Unchastity tends to destroy prudence and to prevent a person from maintaining the self-possession or integrity he needs in order to “be himself”in the proper sense of the term.
• In the absence of chastity, a person is easily seducedinto doing things that are beneath his dignity, things that are shameful, things that do not accord with who he truly is.

Unchastity leads to a feeling of betrayal and, at the same time, the participating in the betrayal of oneself.  In the words of Archbishop Fulton Sheen:

“The greatest betrayals come from within.”

He Knows

Guys know a lot earlier than they let on when they don’t want to marry a girl.  If things drag on, then that is usually because he has already decided that he is not going to marry the girl.  Time, in this case, is not going to help.  Therefore, he does not need more time.

Additional Reading

May I recommend a post which contains this snippet?  Are You A Priority Or An Option?

“So, I encourage you to ask yourself this question about your current relationship: Are you a priority or just an option?  If you are just an option, break up and don’t look back.  Don’t delay your opportunity to be treated like a priority by the right man.  Don’t tie up your heart on a man who could take you or leave you.  Keep your heart free so that the Lord can move in your life and so that you can follow His will.  Keep your emotions holy so as to not deepen the crevices of anger, mistrust, self-blame and disappointment.”

If you need encouragement to do this, feel free to write to me at: theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!