When He Writes, “Feel Free to…”

Many of you are participating in online dating.  What should you do when somewhere in the exchange, the guy says, “Feel free to call/text/message me.”  I hear this from many girls who get confused about what it means.  What should you do when a guy puts the ball in your court?

Lukewarm

I was just writing to a girl the other day and I told her that I hate to be the Debbie Downer. I am sure some girls think my advice is to be too harsh on guys.  But, it is a pattern I see.  If a guy is putting the ball in the girl’s court without any intention of risking himself in the pursuit, then it usually means that he is lukewarm in his interest.

It usually means that his feelings are such that if the girl takes the bait and initiates, then he is ‘fine’ with it.  She may be able to keep him occupied and from feeling lonely while he keeps his eyes open for someone he can feel passionate about.

As you can imagine, this is a tough pill to swallow for the girl….especially when she is attracted to him and hopeful of a positive outcome.

Smiley Face

Another girl was texting with a guy who kept putting the ball in her court. He was one of those “feel free to text me.” kind of guys. They had gone on one date and then he would contact her sporadically.

I told her to just respond with a smiley face. So she did this even though her mother disagreed.  But, in the end, the guy eventually gave up. It could be said that he stopped ‘messing with her.‘ All the half-hearted lobs he was tossing her made her feel that she needed to be the one to keep the ball in play.  It made her doubt herself.  It really messed with her.  I felt that, after a certain amount of back and forth, the only way to respond to this guy was with a smile.

Risk

I have shared before that Gregg gave me his phone number but he never said, “Feel free to call me.”  Instead he said, “Here is my phone number in the event you are not comfortable giving me yours.”  This is different.  He took my preferences into consideration and revealed that he was willing to be the one to call and take that risk.

I feel that men who put the ‘pursuit’ ball in the girl’s court are unwilling to take a risk.  And, isn’t that really what dating requires?  But, in order to risk, the guy has to feel that the payoff is worth it.  And, then he has to be ready and willing to take it.

The 3 R’s

I wrote a post back in July which described the 3 R’s which are needed before a guy will take that risk.  He needs to be Resourceful, Ready and Realistic. It is fine if a guy is not motivated to pursue you.  In fact, he should only pursue you if he is truly interested in you.  But, the only way for his half-hearted ‘feel free to’ lobs to stop is for you to interpret the signs and realize what is going on.

The Veil

I haven’t mentioned the veil in a while so some of you may not know this little theory of mine. I invite you to check it out as a way to stay encouraged the next time a guy says “Feel free to.”  No, my dear girl, the one that God has for you will not take such a chance by putting the ball in your court.  He will take the risk and pursue you.  If he says “feel free to” then feel free to ignore his half-hearted invitation. 🙂

If you are in need of encouragement or advice, my email is theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

Let Him Process

What should you do when a guy stops communicating? Do Nothing.

Processing

When a guy stops communicating it can mean one of two things.  Either he has decided not to pursue you or he is not sure if he wants to continue to pursue you.  Only one of these is deadly for the relationship.  The other one, when he is not sure, is not always fatal.  In fact, it can, for some men, be an important step.

Everyone is different in the way they come to understand their feelings and how they should proceed.  Some people isolate to think about things.  Some need to talk it through.  Either way, what is important is that the guy decide one way or another rather than sit on the fence forever.  So, if his way of deciding is to isolate, it may mean that he stops communicating….temporarily.

What Should You Do?

patience

Oh goodness, it is so tempting to want to reach out. I mean, things are going so well and you think maybe if you send him a little text to say ‘hi’….you know the drill.  My recommendation is to not contact a guy when he is isolating.  Let him process his feelings.  By contacting him, you will interrupt something very important that happens within a guy as he is trying to decide his future with a girl.  You also send the message to him that he needs help in his pursuit.  I think this can be insulting to men.

Absence 

As I think back on how Gregg and I started, I am not really sure if he experienced the need to ‘process’ his feelings for me. If he did, I thankfully never noticed.  He called when he said he would call and never left me wondering.

One of the benefits of long distance is the time of absence and how it can make the heart grow fonder.  We had a built-in and natural barrier of the miles between us. This was in the days before texting.  Sure, we had email but I was not instantaneously available to him.  The distance allowed for an enticing amount of mystery about me and my life.

Many girls write to me when they are going through a stressful ‘pause’ in their relationship.  At first, I think ‘oh, this is a bad sign.‘  But, then I remember that some guys require this isolation process.  And afterwards, when they contact the girl, their pursuit is usually stronger.

Once.  Maybe Twice

Keep in mind that these pauses, if they are legitimate, only happen once, maybe twice in a relationship.  Any more than that and I would have concerns about his intentions.  If a guy is taking a pause every week, every month or even every 3 months, then I would say this is not a good sign.  He is not processing.  Instead, he is demonstrating his doubts about you and he is just biding his time until he finds the girl of his dreams.

Chastity

Chastity is a forcing function or behavior-shaping constraint when it comes to processing intentions and feelings. Although it doesn’t limit the number of pauses, it does allow for more clarity.  When sex is involved, things get cloudy for the girl and there is nothing forcing the guy to think about his intentions. Many things about the relationship and its future are assumed rather than confirmed.  It is a risky assumption.

Hidden Treasure

“…like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field..”   Matthew 13:44

You know the parable, right?.  A man finds a hidden treasure in a field and he sells all that he has to buy the field.  This is what you want.  You want to be thought of as a treasure and for your man to be motivated to give everything in order to have you. Don’t interrupt him in this process of realization.  Do nothing.  Trust in the process.  Trust in the Lord.

You Never Know

The hard part is that you don’t know ahead of time which way he is going to decide.  You won’t know until he goes through the process.

If you are in the middle of this, stay strong.  Don’t interrupt the process.  Don’t contact him.  If you need encouragement and if you think I can help, feel free to write to me.  theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

Blessed New Year!

Hi Sweet Girls!

I have been busy working on the talk I am giving on Friday and unfortunately do not have a post for this week.  But, I want to thank you for your comments and emails to me as this has helped me formulate my talk and relate to them better.  I feel equipped to reach the hearts of whomever the Lord sends on Friday. Please pray for me and for those lovely girls.

There were many New Years Eve nights that I spent surrounded by friends…..but still on my own.  I want to encourage you that life can change on a dime and that your Father in heaven holds you close to His Divine and merciful heart in these tough times.  He has a plan.  Tell Him you love Him and that you trust Him and His plan.  If you are having trouble trusting, tell Him so He can flood you with His love and build your faith and trust.

  “I do believe; help my unbelief.” Mark 9:24

3 Principles

One of my favorite books is The Joy of Full Surrender by Jean-Pierre DeCaussade which is also called Abandonment to Divine Providence.  Three principles outlined in the book always help build up my faith and trust: 

First principle: “Nothing is done, nothing happens, either in the material or in the moral world, that God has not foreseen from all eternity, and that he has not willed, or at least permitted.” 

Second principle: “God can will nothing, he can permit nothing, but in view of the end he proposed to himself in creating the world; that is, in view of his glory and the glory of Jesus Christ, his only Son.” 

Third principle: “As long as human beings live upon earth, God desires to be glorified through the happiness of these privileged creatures; and consequently in God’s designs the interest of making human beings holy and happy is inseparable from the interest of the divine glory.”

I will not be doing 7QTs on Friday the 2nd but will be back to my normal posting schedule in the New Year.

God love and bless you!  Cindy

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

I Wished I Were Different

As Christmas approaches, I am compelled to encourage you about how God made you.  I have a story in my book which demonstrates how I struggled in my singleness and at times wished I was more like other girls instead of how God made me.

As I have shared before, every single guy that I dated went on to marry the very next girl that he dated.  Maybe what I haven’t explained is how different from me these girls were.  They looked different from me and they had different strengths, features, careers and personalities than me.  It really exaggerated my belief that I somehow needed to be different in order to be loved.

I am sharing this story about Sam with you because I felt that way even when I didn’t have strong feelings for the guy.  I would end up thinking that even the guys who I feel lukewarm about are passing me over for girls who are different from me.  Here is the story: 

Sam

Right before I met Gregg, I dated this guy whom I met through Catholic on-line dating.  Sam was from a large Catholic family but did not seem to embrace his faith in a way that was obvious to me.

He seemed interested in me but I could tell that he was not really my type.  He met most of my hopeful criteria in that he was Catholic, did not crush my heart, was not a smoker and he wanted children. He was also physically nice looking and he was gainfully employed. What is not to like, right?

There wasn’t anything overtly wrong with him other than our conversation seemed so flat and I did not feel like I was being wooed.  So I continued to date him in case my heart changed toward him. You know how it is when you are in the am-I-expecting-too-much phase?

The chastity thing was fine with him but in all other ways he seemed sort of lazy in the area of wooing a girl. He emailed me (this was before texting) to ask me out on dates. Sigh. Sam lived about an hour away from where I lived. The hour-long drive to my house seemed like a hassle to him.  Of course he was not invited to spend the night so he had to drive an hour home after our dates.  For the ‘give it to me now’ world, this was asking a lot. I was an inconvenient date.  But, he endured the drive, usually only on weekends and this went on for about 4 months.

The Housewarming Party

He was always inviting me to his rural neck of the woods for dates and I would always sweetly decline.  I was a single girl and I was not willing to drive home from his house late at night.  I cared about my safety and believed he should have cared too.  But, today chivalry is tough to come by.  And, chivalry is a characteristic marked by humility, patience and vigor. A man cannot be lazy and chivalrous at the same time.

So, I would sweetly decline his offers for dates in his neck of the woods.  But, then he had a house-warming party.  This was an opportunity for me to meet his brothers and sisters and for them to meet me.  So, I accepted the invitation and drove to Sam’s house for the party.

Do You Like Camping?

At one point, his sister-in-law says to me Do you like camping?”  I sweetly and honestly said with a smile, “No, not really.  I am a big wet blanket when it comes to roughing it in the great outdoors.” She gave her disapproval by her silence. I was trying to be light-hearted in response to a question that made me feel uncomfortable.  Her response, or lack of response, was also uncomfortable.

She Likes Camping

I drove home that night and felt pretty lukewarm about him.  He called me soon after that night to say his sister-in-law (the same one) wanted to set him up with a friend of hers.  This friend of hers is a teacher and likes camping.  So, he confessed to me that he was going to give her a try.  I never heard from him again but I know through a common friend that he married the outdoorsy teacher.

She Had A Heart

I obviously did not have strong feelings for Sam and kudos to him for being up front and honest.  But, you can imagine how this made me feel. Was I being rejected because I did not like to go camping?

And, the big stab to my ego is I was replaced by a teacher!  It seems that all my exes (I am not exaggerating) went on to marry nurses and teachers.  You know, girls with soft hearts, patience and compassion who are just the opposite of me (a cold, calculating engineer).

So, I felt I just was not the right type of girl and these were the times I wished I were different.

The Veil

Sam definitely saw something in me that he liked.  It was like he was straining to see me and then decided I was not the girl for him.  Now I see it was The Veil. And, once you are loved for who you are, all those terrible feelings about yourself fade away.

So Many Things I Am Not

I could go on and on about the ways in which Gregg could have rejected me.  I don’t like to camp and I don’t like to go to concerts, NASCAR or much else.  I don’t have any hobbies.  I don’t like to shop.  I don’t like to spend money.  I have weird eating habits and have some little itty bitty control issues.

Gregg sees all that but it does not prevent him from loving me.  Those things are overlooked and instead he sees the things that he does love about me.  I believe this is a result of Superabundance.

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No Doubt

Have you ever been rejected and replaced by a girl who was so very different from you that it made you doubt yourself?  If so, I hope to encourage you and help you understand that your uniqueness is exactly what will endear you to the right man.

Stay close to the Lord so He can lead you, heal you and comfort you in your time of anticipation and waiting. Trust Him.

Merry Christmas my sweet girls.

God Love and Bless you!

p.s. I will be off-line for Christmas and will not be posting 7QTs on the 26th.  I will catch up on email on the 27th!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

You Don’t Have To Be An Open Book

Being an honest person is not the same as being an open book.  I have a couple of examples:

Cycle Problems

I was emailing with a sweet girl this week who has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  She told me that she shares this information up front with the guys she dates because she feels that it is only fair to them that they know she will have trouble conceiving.

I advised her against this for a couple of reasons.  First, no one is guaranteed that they will have children.  Second, she is not her fertility.  She is a person with many attributes and gifts and her value is not based on her ability to bear children.

I recommend that she allow a man to fall in love with her ~ the whole person~ rather than dissect out one attribute (her fertility) as being some sort of fault.  I think it would be distracting to the man and she could be sabotaging her chances at love.

I had two miscarriages when Gregg and I were first married.  I never felt that this negatively impacted his love for me. In fact, that suffering we both experienced strengthened our love. Did we want children?  Yes!  Very much.  But, we had to understand that children were not a right.  It humbled us.  We realized that were just happy to have each other.

I am not suggesting that she lie about it.  I am suggesting that she does not know the end of the story.  She may believe she will have trouble conceiving and carry a baby to term but how can one know this in advance?  Truly with God, all things are possible.  In the same vein, how does the guy know for sure that he will be fertile in the marriage?  No one knows this in advance.

I believe that if a man loves a girl, he will love her just as much (maybe even more) upon finding (after trying and exhausting all avenues) she is unable to conceive his child.  I have lived it.

Dating History

You do not need to reveal your dating history to anyone.  If you have dated zero or 50, it is no one’s business.  A gentleman would not ask nor insist upon this information.

Sexual History

Oh ditto!  A gentleman would never ask this.  If he does, you can reply by saying “I am not sure it should matter one way or another.”  Then smile sweetly and confidently.

What if you have an STD? Because this has the potential to affect his health then I suggest you share this but only after things are serious.  And by serious, I mean a proposal.  Then, at that point, you have the conversation that goes something like this: I understand if this is something that you feel afraid of and I understand if you are not willing to walk this road with me.”

The reason why I think you wait until the proposal is because it is somewhat presumptuous of you to bring it up any sooner than that.  I mean, what do you say?  “If you are thinking of marrying me..”  “If we get married..”

None of this should bring you shame.  There is so much more to you than your sexual history or potential.  Either way, whatever you say, smile sweetly and confidently.

confidence

Confidence

Often the need to share too much is fed by our insecurities.  Be that confident girl and not the girl who needs to justify or explain herself.

Feel free to write to me if I can help you navigate through any of this.  theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

Guest Post ~ Praying Through The Clouds

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“I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is being reported all over the world. God, whom I serve with my whole heart in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times.” Rom. 1:8-12

I have been praying for Anjelina for over a year.  I added her to my prayer list after she commented on a post in August 2013.  To my great delight, she recently wrote to me and this gave me the ability to add more depth to the name written on the page of my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list.  Little did we both know of the timing of that note.

She has a wonderful meditation for all of us about disappointment and sorrow, hope and healing. 

Anjelina recently started her own blog and you can read more about her at Random Ramblings.  Thank you, Anjelina and I look forward to reading more from you! 

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“Sometimes things happen in our lives that tear us apart inside, but
if we don’t learn to look past them and see the sun shining above the
clouds, we will forever be standing in the rain.
-Unknown

Hi readers,
First of all am I thankful for the opportunity to be a guest blogger. I’ve really prayed about this post and will write what comes to mind.

My name is Anjelina. I’m not sure who to attribute this wise quote to, but these words are related to my post. Whether it was a break-up, a loss of a loved one or rejection from a job you really wanted, we’ve all experienced that painful feeling of loneliness and sadness.

Nearly two years ago I went through a painful break-up and still am recovering from the hurt. Thankfully the author of our lives along with the help of our Blessed Mother have been working in my life in amazing ways. I’d like you to know even at your lowest God is always with you; He can love us like no other.

A few days ago I felt the strong urge to e-mail The Veil for prayers. I knew I was struggling with my singleness and doing God’s will, but I didn’t fully understand why I wrote about needing prayers. No more than ten minutes later I found out through Facebook my former date was in a new relationship. Now, you might say, ouchies that hurts. Well, you’d be right. The hurt resurfaced and I felt all those emotions all over again.

Here is where God comes into play. I knew someone was praying for me right then which gave me strength. If it weren’t for discovering the news, I wouldn’t be writing this post or have been moved to begin blogging about my life experiences. I truly believe God knows when to reveal things to us because He writes the best stories and knows when we can handle it.

I’m still human and at times feel those raw emotions, however knowing I have a community of prayerful ladies who support each other is comforting.  I have gained strength through the rosary and friends. I’m learning when I don’t want to pray the rosary is the best time to do so. Reflecting on the mysteries is like a refreshing drink of cold water. My mind is refocused and I am ready to take on another day.

I pray this entry has helped someone who may be hurting or feels far from God. Come to Him and he will heal your heart and bring you peace. Know you are in my prayers.

Anjelina

—————————

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

Thankful For You

Hello dear readers!

I am taking a break from blogging this week but I want to pass on to you my deepest gratitude for how much each and every one of you inspire me.  What a privilege it is when you write and share your hearts with me!

As we enter the holidays, Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas, know that you are not alone. But I know this is a very difficult time of the year and that you may feel alone.

The following quote from Maura from Made in His Image sums it up perfectly:

“To the girl who is doubting everything about herself this night – dry your tears sweetheart. You are so beautiful, even in your brokenness. And your wounds are perfect for the man that is meant to love you forever. You are so enough, precious and lovable. #youareenough”  Maura Byrne ~ Made In His Image

Stay encouraged!  I would love to pray for you and add your name to my Divine Mercy Chaplet prayer list. Write to me anytime @ theveilofchastity@gmail.com

If the Lord moves you to do so, please think about supporting Maura.  She has a gofundme campaign which can be found Here.  I have met Maura (I sponsored her when she came to my church). Believe me when I tell you that she is an angel!

Here is a message from her:

 

Thankful for each of you.  God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

Oh, My Parents!

I love my mom

I am famous for telling pregnant girls that the two gifts of Motherhood are guilt and worry.  Which is a good opening concept for this post about seeing things from your parent’s perspective. I get emails from you expressing your frustration with your parents:

“My parents think my singleness is all my fault!”

“My parents never know the right thing to say.”

“My parents are so critical of me!”

“I wish my parents were more supportive.”

“My parents think I am mean for not responding to guys who only offer lame pursuits.”

Guilt

Your parents may blame themselves for your singleness.  They may look back on any mistakes they made in raising you or mistakes made in their own marriage and wonder if that is causing your delayed marriage.

The guilt they feel from it makes them unable to form a sentence which sounds supportive.  The guilt they feel is communicating something that is most likely not true.  Your singleness may be, in their mind, communicating to the world that they are bad parents and this makes them feel guilty.

Your parents may also be projecting their issues and failures onto you, unable to see that you are your own person.  And, these issues and failures, if they are even slightly detected in you, make them feel guilty….and they worry.

Worry

Please don’t underestimate how much your parents worry about you.  I never knew worry before I had my son.  When he was first born, I had this exaggerated fear that he was going to get stolen. I had this ‘Lindbergh baby’ thing going on in my head where I thought someone was going to come into our house and take him.  Every night I would ask Gregg, “Did you lock the sliding glass door?”

I worry less now but I do have more compassion on my parents these days, especially my dad.  My mom was always really relaxed about my extended singleness but I think my dad worried.  He wanted me to be married so bad.  It drove him to, at times, say things that were meant to be encouraging but somehow fell flat.  Poor guy!  There was just nothing he could say that would help.  But, you should have seen him on my wedding day.  He practically had to be sedated he was so happy. And then when I became a mother I could see that, all along, it was the joy my parents wanted for me.

Now that I have a child, I totally understand. But, I can guarantee you that my worry for him as he grows into adulthood, will make it seem as though I am putting pressure on him to meet my expectations.  Heck, I do that already and he is only 9 years old.

Expectations

Jerome as a baby

Oh, the pressure!  Parents have expectations. I am constantly on our son about stuff.  Practice your math, hang up your clothes, put your shoes where they belong, fast-forward through the commercials, turn the TV down, look people in the eye.  Just this morning we were heading into Mass and a schoolmate of his walked right up to him and said, “Hi.”  Our son half-way acknowledged the boy and said, “Hi.”  So, after putting some distance between us and the schoolmate, I reminded him about the definition of ‘stuck up.’  This, of course, made him almost cry.

I am just trying to prevent him from himself sometimes.  He is a really friendly, personable child but on the rare occasion when he acts stuck up, he cannot see how his response comes off.  It is my job, as his mom, to point things like this out to him.  Oh, and he never appreciates this by the way.

Just like our parents corrected us and we did not like or appreciate it.  They had expectations.  And, those expectations can really feel like pressure…..and criticism.

Critical

One girl wrote to me wishing her mom would be more supportive and not so critical. She wishes that her mom would be more accepting and not try to change or fix her.  As I was reading it, I could see my son saying this about me!

We all imagine that when we have children, we will be accepting, encouraging and supportive of them all the time.  We can think of no reason to not be! Well, I thought that too.  But, the job is not a glamorous one.  You have to be the safety patrol, Schoolmarm, the big wet blanket, Mrs. Manners and the fun and grammar police.

As a parent, you can see the pitfalls ahead of time and you, out of love, don’t want your children to fall into these pits.  So, you guide, you correct, you make faces, you make sounds of disapproval and you pontificate.

Transition

I think there comes a point when parents have to emotionally separate from their child so that the pain that the adult child is experiencing is not so keenly felt by the parents.  But, my guess is that this separation process is very difficult.  You have heard that having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside.  Well it is true.  The bond is so strong that you feel everything they feel. Your pain is their pain.  Your desire is their desire.  Your disappointment is their disappointment.

You want the best for them. However, parents, in their broken human condition, fumble the transition ball.

Helplessness

My guess is that your parents want your pain and disappointment to end as much as you do but they feel very helpless in making it go away. So, they offer less than helpful advice, on occasion act exasperated and make comments that can sound critical.

Maybe they married young and your extended singleness completely confounds them.  Maybe they are thinking “What is so hard about finding a husband?”  Or they are thinking, “If my daughter were more XX or less ZZ, she would be married by now.”  They just have no concept of your suffering.

When you were little, they could do something.  But now that you are a grown woman, they can only helplessly observe from the sidelines.  

What To Do

  1. Know that your parents love you and want the best for you.
  2. When your parents offer you advice about your love life, just smile, nod your head and say ‘thank you for loving me and wanting the best for me, Mom and Dad.’  
  3. When your parents fumble the ball and say things that upset you, forgive them.
  4. Find someone other than your parents to vent to. Once you are married and have their grandchildren, you will be glad you did not jeopardize the relationship with unkind and angry outbursts of frustration.
  5. Pray for patience and grace prior to each interaction with your parents.  Imagine the Blessed Mother at your side.  She understands your suffering.
  6. Continue to lead a Sacramental life so as to be strengthened during this time in your life.

Write to me anytime at: theveilofchastity@gmail.com 

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

Fear ~ Part 3 Healthy Fear

Several weeks ago I shared the story of a dear reader who is dating a nice, Catholic guy.  He has a job, interesting hobbies, friends, nice family, is cute and practices his faith for real.  So, what is the problem?  The problem is that she is not sure if she feels a spark or not and therefore is unsure of what to do.  In that post, I shared that there is paralyzing fear and there is healthy fear.  Last week I covered paralyzing fear (which needs to be healed by God) and this week I will cover healthy fear. 

Hesitation 

Back in May I wrote the Give Him 3 Dates post.  Much of what I wrote had to do with the beginning stages of dating.  I suggested that you give a guy 3 dates to allow for God to move if He chooses.  You can always say to God, “I gave this guy a chance. No spark.” 

But what about when you have been dating this nice, Catholic guy for a while and although things are good, you just don’t feel a spark?  What if God is not moving your heart towards this guy? 

I describe this as a feeling of hesitation and when it comes to marriage, I believe we should heed these feelings of hesitation.  I believe that they come from the Holy Spirit.  But, how do you know that the fear you are feeling is a healthy feeling of hesitation from the Holy Spirit?

Would You Pick Him? 

The Catholic Sacrament of Marriage is permanent. When considering your husband, you need to believe that if you had all the men in the entire world to pick from, you would pick this man.  And, you should have confidence and peace about forever with him. 

During the ‘forever’ many  things will happen.  He will make you mad and his human imperfections will annoy you.  The same goes for your human imperfections.  You may even feel tempted towards infidelity. It is during those times that you need to be able to say to yourself, “He is not perfect but there is no other man I want.” 

Not A Safety Net 

When considering marriage, be sure to avoid the safety net syndrome.  This is when you marry a guy because another man might not come along.  That, to me, is not a good reason.  Your beloved  needs to be more than just a safety net for you.  You need to look at him with admiration and be able to thank God for such a wonderful husband. If you cannot do this, then those feelings of hesitation and fear are healthy and it may be time to break things off. 

Ask The Question 

So the dear reader in this story did ask herself the “if I had all the men to pick from…” question. It was a good process for her to go through because it forced her to look at this wonderful man and all his qualities.  It softened her heart towards him to know how much he cares about her and accepts her with all her human flaws. It helped her understand and prioritize what she is looking for in marriage.  Then, she decided to give things more time because so far, the answer to the question “if I had all the men to pick from, would I pick him?” was “yes, I think so!” 

It may have helped when I reminded her that the type of man she is dating, with all his qualities and character, is exactly the type of man who can make a girl very happy. When you go to Mass and see families, do you notice that the men leading these strong, faithful Catholic families don’t always have the ‘Wow!’ factor?  But they are solid men and their wives are, more often than not, happy and at peace. 

Discernment 

Sometimes our fears are a product of our need for healing.  Sometimes they are signposts of hesitation that force us to evaluate the relationship.  Other times, they are healthy fears which are intended to steer us away from a relationship which may seem good but is not God’s will.  This discernment process should include the following: 

  1. A look at ourselves and our need for healing
  2. A look at the guy and his qualities/character
  3. Asking the question, “If I had all the men in the world to pick from, would I pick him?”
  4. If the answer to #3 is “No”, then I suggest you break things off.
  5. If the answer to #3 is “Yes” or even, “Maybe”, then I suggest you give it more time. 

Yes 

There are so many opinions out there about discerning marriage with a particular man. Some would say that my question in #3 above is the wrong approach.  

My opinion on this is a result of my experience.  I could not answer “Yes” to #3 above for any other guy until I met Gregg.  And, that question still gets a “Yes!” from me today. 

I had feelings of hesitation and what I now call ‘healthy fear’ with all other guys.  It is true that with these guys, some of my paralyzing fears were due to my issues and need for healing. So, I can’t blame it all on them. But, what is interesting is that I still had the same issues which should have caused paralyzing fear when I met Gregg.  But, instead of feeling paralyzed, I felt confident in our future and filled with fortitude.  I, of course, credit this to God’s beautiful will and The Veil.  

2 Tim 1 7

Trust 

Do you trust that the Lord has a will for your life?  Do you trust that the Holy Spirit will lead you to His will?  When you are confronted with healthy fear, please pay attention to your feelings of hesitation.  But, may I sweetly recommend that you take the time to discern first before breaking things off with a guy who has the potential to be an amazing husband?

As always, you are welcome to email me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! 

Fear ~ Part 2 Paralyzing Fear

Last week, I wrote a post about Fear where I asked the following questions about a girl who is dating a nice, Catholic guy but is not sure she feels a spark towards him:

  1. Could her fears (and perfectionism) be keeping her from getting serious with this guy?
  2. Are your fears keeping you paralyzed and keeping you from trusting God?
  3. What should this girl do?

Wow, I received a lot of email and a good number of comments about that post.  If anything, that should proved that fear about marriage is a very common experience.  The difficulty with this topic is that fear can be paralyzing but it can also be good.  Yes, fear can be a healthy emotion because it can protect us by giving us feelings of hesitation.  This could be the Holy Spirit’s prompting us and saying ‘don’t go there.’

But how do you know which one is causing the fear? This post will discuss Paralyzing Fear and in Fear: Part 3 I will discuss Healthy Fear.

Paralyzing Fear

“Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Paralyzing fear keeps us from doing and trusting in God’s will.  It can be caused by pride, shame, perfectionism, unconfessed sin and an unforgiving heart.  The good news is that He wants to heal us of our fears.  He is our God.  He will “strengthen and support us with His right hand.”

Pride and Shame 

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” Psalm 139:23-24

I was straight up with this dear reader.  I asked her if maybe, just maybe, she felt this nice, Catholic guy was not impressive enough for her family and friends.  Does she care too much about what others think? 

Our insecurities and the shame we feel concerning our imperfections can lead us to want a guy who is impressive so that we will appear impressive.  It is as if this impressive guy will prove to the world that we are worthy of being loved.  

This can lead us to reject a guy who, although he is impressive in all the right ways, may not be impressive to the world.  Unless we are healed of our pride and shame, we will continue to reject these God-given opportunities.  And, over time, the opportunities may dwindle.

Perfectionism, Sin and Forgiveness

“If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.” Psalm 66:18

You may be wondering why I put these three topics (perfectionism, sin and forgiveness) together. The reason is because I think there is a connection.  Sometimes our perfectionism is driven by not recognizing and accepting our human condition. We don’t recognize our need for God and His grace so we struggle with trying to control everything on our own.  Then, when we fail, we blame ourselves. 

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:14

The Sacrament of Confession is the perfect medicine for healing us of our perfectionism.  First, the humility and grace we receive from confessing our faults “to each other” (a priest, according to Jesus) is very healing.  Letting go of unforgiveness of others is also freeing.  Finally, forgiving ourselves is very healing. 

Being healed of perfectionism, sin and unforgiveness of others and yourself is key to eliminating fear and trusting God. 

I Am Already Doing That! 

What is that you say?  You are already going to confession and living a Sacramental Life in Christ?  Wonderful!  Then you are being healed and you just need to keep walking that path with the Lord.  Which is what I had to do…. 

My Healing

I wanted God to heal me of my faults but instead He healed me of my fears through a long process.  This is a much better deal because, as you grow older, new fault lines appear in your armor. The virtue of Fortitude, gained from God’s grace from the Sacraments and right relationship with Him, however, will help you overcome future fears and thrive in your marriage and life of faith.

Yes, you will still feel fearful. But your fears will not be paralyzing.  And,  grace and fortitude will enable you to trust. Trust that God knows exactly what He is doing.

“I am the LORD who heals you” Exodus 15:26

God knows your faults. He knows your fears.  He knows how to heal you.  He wants to heal you so that you can “glorify Him by your life.”

Prayer For Healing

As a single girl, I prayed the Prayer for Peace of Mind found below.

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These days, this is my prayer:

“Please give me Your peace that surpasses all understanding.  Please heal me of my irrational fears and give me peace about my faults, my flaws, my failures, my mistakes, my past and my future.” 

What Should She Do?

So back to my dear reader who is feeling uncertain about her guy?  What if the fear she is feeling is a healthy fear? In Part 3, Healthy Fear, I will tell you exactly what I advised her to do!

 

As always, you are welcome to email me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!