As Christmas approaches, I am compelled to encourage you about how God made you. I have a story in my book which demonstrates how I struggled in my singleness and at times wished I was more like other girls instead of how God made me.
As I have shared before, every single guy that I dated went on to marry the very next girl that he dated. Maybe what I haven’t explained is how different from me these girls were. They looked different from me and they had different strengths, features, careers and personalities than me. It really exaggerated my belief that I somehow needed to be different in order to be loved.
I am sharing this story about Sam with you because I felt that way even when I didn’t have strong feelings for the guy. I would end up thinking that even the guys who I feel lukewarm about are passing me over for girls who are different from me. Here is the story:
Right before I met Gregg, I dated this guy whom I met through Catholic on-line dating. Sam was from a large Catholic family but did not seem to embrace his faith in a way that was obvious to me.
He seemed interested in me but I could tell that he was not really my type. He met most of my hopeful criteria in that he was Catholic, did not crush my heart, was not a smoker and he wanted children. He was also physically nice looking and he was gainfully employed. What is not to like, right?
There wasn’t anything overtly wrong with him other than our conversation seemed so flat and I did not feel like I was being wooed. So I continued to date him in case my heart changed toward him. You know how it is when you are in the am-I-expecting-too-much phase?
The chastity thing was fine with him but in all other ways he seemed sort of lazy in the area of wooing a girl. He emailed me (this was before texting) to ask me out on dates. Sigh. Sam lived about an hour away from where I lived. The hour-long drive to my house seemed like a hassle to him. Of course he was not invited to spend the night so he had to drive an hour home after our dates. For the ‘give it to me now’ world, this was asking a lot. I was an inconvenient date. But, he endured the drive, usually only on weekends and this went on for about 4 months.
The Housewarming Party
He was always inviting me to his rural neck of the woods for dates and I would always sweetly decline. I was a single girl and I was not willing to drive home from his house late at night. I cared about my safety and believed he should have cared too. But, today chivalry is tough to come by. And, chivalry is a characteristic marked by humility, patience and vigor. A man cannot be lazy and chivalrous at the same time.
So, I would sweetly decline his offers for dates in his neck of the woods. But, then he had a house-warming party. This was an opportunity for me to meet his brothers and sisters and for them to meet me. So, I accepted the invitation and drove to Sam’s house for the party.
Do You Like Camping?
At one point, his sister-in-law says to me “Do you like camping?” I sweetly and honestly said with a smile, “No, not really. I am a big wet blanket when it comes to roughing it in the great outdoors.” She gave her disapproval by her silence. I was trying to be light-hearted in response to a question that made me feel uncomfortable. Her response, or lack of response, was also uncomfortable.
She Likes Camping
I drove home that night and felt pretty lukewarm about him. He called me soon after that night to say his sister-in-law (the same one) wanted to set him up with a friend of hers. This friend of hers is a teacher and likes camping. So, he confessed to me that he was going to give her a try. I never heard from him again but I know through a common friend that he married the outdoorsy teacher.
She Had A Heart
I obviously did not have strong feelings for Sam and kudos to him for being up front and honest. But, you can imagine how this made me feel. Was I being rejected because I did not like to go camping?
And, the big stab to my ego is I was replaced by a teacher! It seems that all my exes (I am not exaggerating) went on to marry nurses and teachers. You know, girls with soft hearts, patience and compassion who are just the opposite of me (a cold, calculating engineer).
So, I felt I just was not the right type of girl and these were the times I wished I were different.
Sam definitely saw something in me that he liked. It was like he was straining to see me and then decided I was not the girl for him. Now I see it was The Veil. And, once you are loved for who you are, all those terrible feelings about yourself fade away.
So Many Things I Am Not
I could go on and on about the ways in which Gregg could have rejected me. I don’t like to camp and I don’t like to go to concerts, NASCAR or much else. I don’t have any hobbies. I don’t like to shop. I don’t like to spend money. I have weird eating habits and have some little itty bitty control issues.
Gregg sees all that but it does not prevent him from loving me. Those things are overlooked and instead he sees the things that he does love about me. I believe this is a result of Superabundance.
Have you ever been rejected and replaced by a girl who was so very different from you that it made you doubt yourself? If so, I hope to encourage you and help you understand that your uniqueness is exactly what will endear you to the right man.
Stay close to the Lord so He can lead you, heal you and comfort you in your time of anticipation and waiting. Trust Him.
Merry Christmas my sweet girls.
God Love and Bless you!
p.s. I will be off-line for Christmas and will not be posting 7QTs on the 26th. I will catch up on email on the 27th!
p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!
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Merry Christmas Cindy! Great post!
Great article Cindy! And Merry Christmas! Please keep me in prayer because holidays are a tough time for many singles like me. Your blog is a great reminder though that one day God might bring someone into my life who will want to love me, commit to me, and appreciate me just the way I am 🙂
The other day I was like, “Wow…I so don’t care about what a lot of men seem to care about.”
– any sort of football
– Moto GP
– Formula One
– video games (oh, how I hate them)
– pretty much any sport ever
– extreme sports
So…there are a lot of reasons why a potential SIL might tell a guy to go for someone else!
(As an aside, I don’t totally get why teachers and nurses have this reputation for being so compassionate. Some of them are absolute b****es.)
I have different angle. I was raised on a farm, rode horses, competed in rodeos, and generally learned how to be useful and resourceful. I’m not scared of anything, besides being alone forever.
I would hear guys complain about how frustrating it was that girls were so “girly” , prissy, catty, that sort of thing, I would think, good thing I’m not that kind of girl. I thought men would appreciate that I was rational and brave. I was wrong!
I was never a tomboy… Just no-nonsense. I’m plenty girly, I wear makeup, dress cute, stay in shape and I do shop for clothes! I still squeal with delight, and ooh and ah over shoes! But I can kill my own bugs, (but mostly choose to relocate them), and it’s possible that I know at least as much about tools and cars as the men I date. I sort of had to know this to survive as a single woman, but I often wonder if they felt a little castrated when they learn this about me.
Funny thing, some guys have said, at the start if a relationship, that they can’t believe I’m “so cool”… One said he felt like the other shoe had to drop, I couldn’t be this cool.
I guess they’d prefer to see the hysterics that they expect… It’s like understanding the devil that you know, rather than the one you don’t know!
Combine all that with the fact that I’m naturally thin and muscular, instead of curvy and soft, and I think maybe they just don’t see me as feminine. But then I see men dowdy, frumpy women, so nothing makes sense.
Oh man, that’s another book! Sorry!
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve emailed, but I wanted to thank you for today’s post and to wish you a merry Christmas!
Your posts really always hit home. This one touches on something I’ve felt often. The funny thing is, I’m a teacher, and the guys I’ve dated always end up with girls who have “power” careers (engineer, accountant, etc.)! It just goes to support your theory of The Veil, I think.
I don’t have any romantic news to report to you, but I do notice changes in myself and my prayer life that I really believe are preparing me for my future husband. I want you to know, again, that your words are appreciated and are giving hope and comfort!
Thanks for continuing your blog, and I hope you and your family have a blessed Christmas and a happy new year!
Date: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 15:39:43 +0000 To: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for sharing this with us Cindy!
Thank you for this post. I have felt the same way. I love math and have the practical brain that comes with it and I sometimes don’t think I’m a very compassionate person and think well maybe that is why I’m single…which I know isn’t true but man dating is rough!