Dear Cindy,

I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now, and I always used to glide over the posts about chastity because I didn’t think they applied to me. I thought I was super strong in my commitment to chastity and sort of an “untouchable” if you will – if guys won’t even ask me out, then why would I worry about staying chaste? Yes, I had a few slip-ups in my teens and early twenties, but I’ve otherwise been chaste, at least in the physical way. I am now 30 years old.

However, I recently met a very sweet and very affectionate guy.  I started to become intrigued by him.  He is very much aware of how “Catholic” I am but suddenly, he started with the physical full force – hugging, holding hands, touching my knee. I liked it. I felt cherished. As a girl who had already decided that it was her fate to be single for the rest of her life it was so intoxicating and surprising to all of a sudden be swept up in this affection, especially by someone I really liked and felt safe and happy with!

But of course, I see now that the innocent affection was a warm-up – this guy planned to move fast.  He wanted to know about my sexual history pretty soon.  Within a couple of weeks, that chastity that came so “easy” for me came very close to being compromised, even after I told him that I planned to save sex for until after marriage (he still tried to push my boundaries).

We broke up mutually because it came clear to me that not only his approach but his attitude toward sex was fundamentally at odds with mine: I saw sex as something beautiful, powerful, a life-changing act that’s meant to cement life-long commitments, and something that puts women in an extremely vulnerable position; but he simply saw it as a good, up for exchange in a market, and something that both sexes could treat casually if they were being “responsible”.

I saw that sex for him was about satisfying a compulsion, not about truly loving someone: he valued the act of having sex over the individual that he would have it with. Therefore, even though he liked me a lot, I could see that it wasn’t enough to sacrifice his own compulsions.  And you know, marriage signifies a certain maturity for men too – and if a guy isn’t mature enough to be married, he will really grab at whatever he can get in the meantime.

I see this very clearly now, and I’m glad I was able to stick to my guns. But I’m left with the sadness because I wish I was a little bit more stronger, and didn’t kiss him that first week. I was just so flabbergasted by the situation, so swept along by the fact that someone attractive actually liked me and was brave enough to ask me out, that my rational commitment to chastity was almost bowled over. I was just so excited and hopeful that maybe it would was finally my turn.

Anyway, just writing to ask for your prayers. And to say that sexuality is so powerful – it can feel so right to be close to someone, especially someone who you already started to form intellectual/emotional bonds with. It’s good to stay vigilant because you can get bowled over at any time. This situation has really made me realize how vulnerable I am, and age doesn’t change that – it may even intensify it. If nothing else, it’s made me sadder and wiser. 

Thanks for your counter-cultural words – you’re truly a voice crying out in the wilderness. 

Lesson Learned

Dear Lesson Learned,

  I am so sorry that this happened to you.  Your observation and experience is spot on.  I did have a couple of these “ahhh, it is finally my turn!” dating experiences (that ended in break ups) and yes, they can be intoxicating. We women are vulnerable and need to stay vigilant.

  I would not be so hard on yourself because the important thing is that you were able to identify what was going on, stick to your guns and then extract yourself from the relationship.  Imagine how hard it would have been if you had sex with him! I am so proud of you! 

  With regard to your sadness for kissing him, again, I would not be so hard on yourself.  There are a variety of opinions about kissing and participating in the ‘warm up’ actions which lead to sex.  I am of the opinion that kissing is okay but that we have to be aware of how easily it leads to the warm up actions and then to sex.  Just because a guy is affectionate with us does not mean that he is going to marry us.  All that kissing leads us to think that it is heading in that direction. Vigilance is needed, yes indeed.

  What you said about him ‘just wanting to satisfy a compulsion’ is perfectly stated.  I saw the video below on the Chastity.com website of Marcus Guevara and it reminded me that if we women are firm in our expectations, the right man will wait.  He will find our commitment to Chastity beautiful. You can find Marcus via his website, Facebook and you can follow him on Twitter! Be sure to watch all 12 minutes to see how the story turns out! 

   Thank you for writing to me and sharing your wisdom about staying vigilant!  Be assured of my prayers. 

    God love you, Cindy

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