This guest post by reader Allie Millette addresses a common problem which is more challenging now than ever before.  The daydreaming part is not new. Heck, I was guilty of that back when I dated in the 80’s and 90’s.  What is different is the casualness of if all and how common it is today for a guy to want to walk the line between friendship and relationship.  Things can easily turn into a ‘frelationship.’  Allie’s insight here (combined with Emotional Chastity and the 3-date-rule) is wise advice for preventing frelationships.  Thank you, Allie for this guest post!

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When Cindy asked me to do a guest blog post, I was so excited!  Then I asked her what she wanted me to write about and she said, “How about the challenges of dating in 2013?”  My heart sank.  I can’t fit that into one little article.  So I sat down and really thought about it.  Obviously, there are many challenges to dating, but I think the most difficult part for me is being friends with a guy.  Yep, that’s what I said.  Friendship is the hardest part of dating, in my opinion.

I have noticed that in my generation, people skip over the friendship thing altogether.  Either you are interested or you’re not.  But it is truly so sad.  How can you enter into a relationship with a person without getting to know them and being their friend?  All of my ex boyfriends except for one, were guys that I was friends with first.  They had to be because I would not have dated them had I not known them to the extent that I did.

I’ve noticed that I don’t try to be friends with men anymore.  In fact, the current dating culture makes it difficult to become friends first.  We are so conditioned to think that if a man requests to spend time with us, he is interested in more than a friendship.  In reality, there are a lot of men out there who wouldn’t mind spending time with a beautiful woman on a friend level, but they are deathly afraid that their acts of friendship will be misunderstood for acts of romance.  It’s a vicious cycle.

About a month ago, I started reflecting more on my friendships with men.  I realized that I don’t fight for my friendships at all.  I will let myself get so carried away in the daydream that the guy ceases to be my friend and becomes this weird prospect for someone I want to date.  Ladies, I know I’m not alone in this.  The reality is that as much as we HATE being looked at for our bodies and being reduced to an object by men, at some point, we need to realize that we are doing the same exact thing to them by reducing them to a prospect for our relationship goals…whatever they are.

So I tried a little experiment with myself.  I stopped striving.  I stopped trying to get face time with the men in my life, I stopped trying to analyze and predict what would happen with them.  I honestly will say that I stopped intentionally flirting.  (Most women have a natural flirtation about them.)  The biggest thing I had to do was stop the daydreams.

Oh yes, the daydreams.  They will take you places you have never been before.  They are dangerous because they build up this fake world in your mind and you become oh so disappointed when reality doesn’t live up to that beautiful pretend world.  This version of Neverland is where women find and cling to unrealistic expectations.  Giving up the daydream is paramount in fighting for your friendships with men.

What I found when I did this was complete and total peace.   I was no longer worried about how men saw me or whether or not I was doing everything I could to get his attention.  I was able to just relax, be myself, and have fun.  It has enriched my friendships greatly.  Not just my friendships with men, but my friendships with women.  Why, you ask?   Now that I don’t see men as prospects, I don’t see women as my competition.   I am simply free to love the person in front of me for exactly who they are, not what they can offer me.

I had a beautiful experience of this freedom just this past weekend.  I went to visit some friends in Colorado and one friend in particular had me over to her house for her brother’s birthday party.  First of all, her family is fantastic.  I’m pretty sure I ended up telling them that they were “like southerners who live a little further north!”  They were so welcoming and loving.  I met several wonderful people while I was there and the whole time was not distracted by the annoying thoughts of “Do I look okay?” or “Is that guy looking at me?  Should I smile?  Should I not smile?”  The only thing I was concerned with was the person right in front of me.  It was a beautiful victory.

Of course the Lord wants us to find our vocation, but I’m afraid there is so much emphasis on it that it has become the end rather than the means.  The Lord created us for eternity with Him.  That is our ultimate destiny.   I remember when I first started thinking I needed to change from a “dating” mentality to a “friending” mentality, I immediately thought, “I will be an old maid.”  I basically had to completely change what I was doing, not for the purpose of landing a man (I’m still very single!) but for the purpose of maintaining my sanity.  For the purpose of loving life again.  For the purpose of loving God again and not being bitter that I wasn’t the one chosen.   This process of learning how to be a friend wasn’t easy, I also had to face the most basic friendship in my life.  My friendship with Jesus.  How do I treat Him?  I had to look at my past behavior and realize that this whole time He has been waiting there to love me while I just keep looking for my prince charming elsewhere.

I already know that no man will satisfy the longings of my heart, but Jesus will.  I literally sat on my bedroom floor and cried for hours one day because I had to face the reality of “What if you (God) never bring that man into my life?  Will I still be okay?”  Ladies, that question changed my life.  Of course I will be okay!  I will have eternity with Him!  Oh and by the way, I do NOT plan on settling for just any man simply because I want to be accepted into the “cool married kids club “.   I am the best version of myself when I am in God’s will.  I am the best version of myself when I am genuinely happy, laughing, confident, and generally not caring what anyone else thinks.  I am the best version of myself when I am loving the person in front of me, not distracted by the prospects of the world, and when I’m serving.

God has put us on this green earth to LOVE Him and the people he puts in front of us.  So, my challenge to you today is to throw all of the dating advice out of the window!  Stop being so concerned with whether or not you’re doing it right, the woulda, shoulda, coulda and get out there and start “friending” people in real life (not on facebook).  Love the people in front of you.  Always.

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What are some other challenges of dating in 2013?  Please consider sharing your experience in a future guest post (anonymous guest posts are welcome!). I love hearing from you!  Contact me at theveilofchastity@gmail.com

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“ button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

In early September, the girls participating in the Not Alone Series tackled this question: Can A Woman Pursue A Man?  I love what Morgan from Follow and Believe wrote:

“Can women pursue men?” is very different from “Should women pursue men?”

These are indeed two different questions.  This post will address the “should” question. 

Stephanie

Stephanie from Captive The Heart is happily married and also contributed to this series both on her blog and at Ignitum Today.  I very much agree with what she wrote.  She did not seem to be encouraging single women to pursue men.  I think what she encouraged was for single women to not play games and instead to be honest.  I totally agree.  When you are with the right guy, no games are required.  In fact, I think that when you are with the right guy, you can almost do no wrong (except sin, of course). 

Stephanie’s husband, Andrew, was enamored with her.  He asked her out first.  She said ‘no’ at first and then when she was ready, she asked him to ask her out again.  Totally cute! Stephanie did not pursue him.  She responded enthusiastically to his initiation and pursuit.  She is so darn cute and sassy, when you combine that with him being enamored with her, of course it was fine.

Men Need Cues

In the same Not Alone Series, Jen from Jumping in Puddles wrote:

“….Yes, sometimes we might have to help them out by letting them know we are interested.  Because of our culture today, so many men are knocked down from pursuing us, they are constantly getting rejected.  The more rejection, the less they want to try.  It’s a sad thing, really….”

During my discussion with Gregg about this topic, he wanted me to let you girls know that men need cues!  Before he met me, he experienced some of this rejection that Jen described and it can make a guy gun-shy.  Gregg needed cues from me and he got them!  I was occasionally pretty bold!  You may be surprised at my boldness during our courtship…..

I Was Sort of Bold

Look, I am bossy by nature.  And, Gregg does not seem to mind it that much. I had never been ‘bold’ when dating other guys because they always seemed to be holding back on me.  It felt too risky.  But, during our courtship, I was uncharacteristically bold with Gregg.  And, the reason I was bold was because Gregg gave me the confidence I needed to be my bossy self. And, I knew he was looking for cues from me.

For example, after talking on the phone for about a month, I said, “So, when are you going to come visit me?”  You see, I lived in Virginia and Gregg lived in Kansas City.  Things were going really well and I was curious to know if we had a future.  Figuring that out required that we meet in person (duh).  Gregg was very happy that I asked him to visit me because, again, he was looking for cues from me. 

Another example of my boldness is when Gregg visited me the first time.  I hugged him as soon as he exited the security gate at the airport.  This surprised him, but in a good way.  You see, we had talked on the phone for 4 months.  When he arrived in person, I wanted to hug him.  I was pretty sure he wanted this too.  Again, Gregg was extremely happy to receive this and other positive cues from me. 

Another example of my boldness was in our engagement.  It was March/April 2002 and we had known each other 6 or 7 months.  We both knew this was a ‘go.’  So, one day I was emailing Gregg and I included this major cue:  R.I.N.G

We laugh about it now because when I am bossy in our marriage, I tell him that he really should have paid more attention during the courtship.  It is not like I hid this aspect of my personality!  🙂

Like Stephanie, when you are with the right guy, you can almost do no wrong.  You are free to be yourself.  I emailed her to ask her permission to quote her in this post and this is what she said, “When it comes to Catholic women’s perception of dating, it seems to me that honesty and candor are sometimes equated with pursuit, which I think is incorrect.” 

So, be your honest self. Give your sweet man some cues. But, first make sure that you have his heart.

Marriage Is Hard

As the wife, you will be so much happier with a cooperative husband.  I am not saying he needs to be a push over but there are daily things in marriage that need cooperation, teamwork and collaboration.  This is the ‘hard’ part of marriage.

But marriage is easy when you are with someone who decidedly pursued you.  Marriage involves two wills rubbing against and bumping into each other.  The rubbing removes the sharp edges over time which is good.  But, like sand paper on your skin, it can hurt. It is a ‘dying to self’ that is required. 

When the sand paper hits Gregg’s skin, he has to remember who he is dying for.  That girl, Cindy.  His wife.  It is during those times he has to remind himself, “Oh, yeah, I spotted her, pursued her and asked her to marry me.  I have chosen this.  Die, Gregg, die.”

When the sand paper hits my skin, I remember his courageous pursuit.  I remember that he picked me.  He asked me to marry him.  He risked himself for me.  He dies daily for me.  It is during those times that I say, “Die, Cindy, die.”

Should You Pursue?

I think the answer to this question is that it depends on your definition of Pursue.  If you mean Chase, then I say it is not a good idea.  If you mean Respond and Flirt and give Cues, then yes, of course you should.  If you mean, return his efforts with your equal effort, like a tennis ball in a tennis game, then I think that is fine too.  But, I think the relationship should be established first.

For example, after Gregg visited me the first time, he asked me to visit him in Kansas City.  He felt that if things were going to progress, then I needed to be willing to visit him.  I think it was important to him that I see his home life and meet his family and friends.  I took that as a great compliment so of course I said ‘yes’ to his invitation!  He served the ball and I hit it back. 

But, here is the thing.  I never felt like I was pursuing Gregg with my actions and affections.  His pursuit of me was consistent and reliable. I responded, I flirted and I gave cues. I felt no angst or obsession.  I felt happy and cherished.  I was free.  God had finally lifted the Veil.

“…know that if someone gives you anxiety and draws you into obsession, it’s not a relationship coming from God….” Christina from The Little Signs

Preach It Morgan

 I am going to close with a quote from Morgan from Follow and Believe (I added caps for our Lord): 

“…I think there’s a delicate line to walk between being open and approachable and being the desperate throwing-herself-at-you girl.  Because like everything in life, there is an order and all of that was put in place by the One who knows what He’s doing…”

God Love and Bless You!

Related Posts:

https://theveilofchastity.com/2013/06/05/your-smile-is-like-honey/

https://theveilofchastity.com/2013/05/30/do-men-need-help/

https://theveilofchastity.com/2013/06/20/is-he-just-practicing/

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“ button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

Last week, I responded to a reader’s question about when to ‘pass’ on offers of romance. She was wondering if the last man she dated was her last chance at marriage. I listed 8 issues and encouraged everyone to avoid men with those issues, even if you believe he was your last chance.  The issues included men who are not free to marry (in the Church), those that are not open to life, as well as, those who are mean or irresponsible.  Two of the issues, #7 and #8, could be described as “negotiable”, given certain guidelines:

#7.  He is not Catholic:  This may be a negotiable for some of you.  It was not for me.  If it is a negotiable, then he cannot have a negative attitude towards your faith.  He must be supportive and respectful.  If not, pass on this offer. 

#8.  You are not sexually attracted to him:  Okay, girls, I put this one last because it is the least important.  However, keep in mind that you will be sleeping with this man and sharing the marital embrace with him for the rest of your life!  He will know if you are not sexually attracted to him.  If you cannot bear the thought of sharing the marital embrace with him, pass on this offer.

Since both of these topics are complex, I decided to focus on #7 this week and #8 next week.

What is Important?

So let’s say you have an offer of romance from a guy who is free to marry in the Church, open to life, kind, consistent in his pursuit, free from serious addiction and gainfully employed….but he is not Catholic?  Given this somewhat lesser issue, how will you decide if it is a deal breaker?  How will you know if it is a good idea to accept his offer of romance and allow for the potential for marriage?

WWJD + Darwin?

Not Catholic 

When a couple has different faiths and beliefs, they are said to be unequally yoked. If you are a practicing devout Catholic and he is not, then your faith and beliefs are different.  Marriage in the Catholic Church is a Sacrament.  That means it ‘does’ something.  Similar to Baptism and Confession, the Sacramental aspect of Matrimony expresses visibly what God is doing invisibly. Two become one.  It imparts Grace which is God’s own Divine life.

That Grace must be replenished.  Grace is imparted, again through a Sacramental life, throughout the marriage.  It is imparted primarily through the Sacrament of the Mass, the Holy Eucharist and Confession, as well as, the life-giving aspect of the marital embrace.

If you marry a man who rejects the truth of this invisible work and imparting of Grace, then you will have one person (you) believing this and the other person (him) not believing it.  You will indeed be unequally yoked.

Yoked

As a ‘yoked’ couple, Faith and Truth will be required for day-to-day living.  How you handle everything from child rearing to spending money will depend upon the direction you are going as a yoked couple.  If he is pulling one way and you are pulling the other way, then a struggle will ensue.

For Gregg and me, our faith is integrated into every aspect of our life.  It gives our conversations and decisions depth and purpose.  If one of us is challenged at work, the other will pray for them.  Whenever we talk about a problem or a suffering, our faith in Christ is in the center of the solution.  I just can’t imagine being yoked to someone who does not share my philosophical or theological view of life and eternity.

I Will Convert Him! 

Yes, there are many stories of husbands who have a strong faith conversion after marriage. But, I think going into marriage with the expectation of a faith conversion is risky and slightly unfair.  If he is supportive and respectful toward your faith, is free from the negative issues we discussed, and you love him, then this may be an acceptable ‘negotiable’ for you.  However, consider these guidelines:

1.  He must agree to a Sacramental marriage in the Church with a full wedding Mass, be completely open to life and agree to raise your children Catholic.

2.  You must accept that you will be ‘carrying’ the family from a spiritual standpoint and you must take this responsibility to heart.  I know of several women who are disappointed in their husbands because they will not go to Mass with them or because they are lukewarm spiritually.  I think the wives need to accept this cross and rather than complain about or nag their husbands, they should remain faithful in their own relationship with the Lord and His Church.

Are you ready for this cross and this responsibility?  If not, pass on this offer.  If so, then this may be a perfectly acceptable marriage option for you.  Don’t underestimate the impact that a virtuous wife can have on a husband.

Catholic But Not On Fire

Some of you girls may be looking for the Catholic guy who is as on fire for the Lord as you are.  Yet, there may be a Catholic guy who is seeking to romance you but he is not overly committed in his faith.  May I encourage you to consider this man?

Keep in mind that most of us are poorly catechized Catholics.  You may be pretty far down the road on your faith journey and your relationship with the Lord. He, however, may be just starting on his journey.  That is okay. If he cooperates with your commitment to Chastity and would be open to life once you were married, then this guy could make you very happy.  If he starts to go to Mass regularly after meeting and dating you (especially together!), then that is a great sign.

When Gregg and I met, he was attending Mass regularly and was at the beginning of his strong faith journey.  I, on the other hand, was further along in my faith journey.  I was teaching Catechism and had studied apologetics because I had to learn to defend my Catholic faith.

However, Gregg often tells others that he was inspired by me to learn about our Catholic Faith.  And, today, after almost 11 years of marriage, he surpasses me in many ways spiritually.  He will be the one to attend a bible study, say a rosary, pray daily for those with cancer, speak boldly about the need for God in our lives, encourage others to live a Sacramental life, show compassion and act charitably with our time, talent and treasure.

My point is don’t reject a Catholic guy who appears to be “behind” you spiritually.  Look at other qualities, especially:

• Generosity, HUMILITY, consideration, kindness
• a good conversationalist, a good listener, a well-formed conscience
• intellect, personal cleanliness, authentic masculinity, a sense of purpose, steady employment
• the way he looks at you, a desire to make you happy

If he has a good number of those qualities, then there is only one more thing to consider…..Sexual Attraction!

And that will be our topic for next week!

Edit:  Please take a look at what Tienne wrote in the comments section and be sure to check out her post where she shares her wisdom on this topic!

God love and bless you!

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It is Not the…

A reader recently wrote to me asking if I felt she had been a fool to pass on the last guy she dated.  Without revealing details, it was clear to me that she made the correct decision to pass on his offers of romance.

Her question was not foreign to me. After each break up, I wondered the same thing.  “Was he my last chance at marriage?” “Was I a fool to break things off with him?”  “Am I being too picky?”  And, the longer you are single, the more pronounced these doubts become.

Pass On This Offer

Here are some good reasons to pass on offers of romance:

1.  He is married:  And by this I mean that he is not free to marry you.  Even if he is divorced, an annulment is mandatory even before you can start dating him.  In the meantime, pass on this offer.

2.  His pursuit is Lame and Inconsistent:  Go here to read about this.  This is the important part:

“…As the girl, this will be the symptom to look out for:  you complain and/or act and feel frustrated.  Then, in response to your complaints and frustration, he pulls back instead of addressing your complaint in a way that will completely reassure you….”

Don’t be a practice girl. Pass on this offer.  Oh, and read the book, Real Men Don’t Text.

3.  He refuses to have children with you if you were to marry:  If he has an annulment but also has had a vasectomy, then he needs to be willing (not just open to the idea but willing) to have a reversal. His age is not an excuse. This is especially true when you, as the future wife, have a strong desire for children.

Either way, today reversals are no big deal.  If the guy was willing to go under the knife to have his fertility snipped, then, he should be more than willing to go through a reversal to have it potentially restored.  Seriously, marital love will die unless the couple is open to life.  If he has the reversal and still no children result, then your marital love will not be at risk.  You as a couple have done everything in your power to cooperate with God.  Anything other than that, pass on this offer.

4.  He is mean or selfish:  Does he drive recklessly?  Does he gamble or spend money recklessly? Does he talk disparaging about his Mother?  Is he always angry towards his boss, his coworkers or his job?  Does he act as if everything is the fault of others and that his life is one big rip-off?  Is he prejudice against others who are not like him?  Does he not pay for dates? Oh girl, pass on this offer.

5.  He is irresponsible:  He must have a job or spend 8 hours a day looking for a new job.  Look at his track record with regard to work .  He does not need to make a lot of money, but he does need to understand his role as the provider. Money is not the issue, your respect for him is.  If he doesn’t have a job and is not looking for one, pass on this offer.

6.  He is currently dealing with an addiction:  These include but are not limited to: alcohol, drugs, excessive financial success, porn.  Don’t try to save him. Only the Lord’s grace can free him from these chains. Let the thought of winning your love be his motivation (from a safe distance without communication). In the meantime, pass on this offer.

7.  He is not Catholic:  This may be a negotiable for some of you.  It was not for me.  If it is a negotiable, then he cannot have a negative attitude towards your faith.  He must be supportive and respectful.  If not, pass on this offer.

8.  You are not sexually attracted to him:  Okay, girls, I put this one last because it is the least important.  However, keep in mind that you will be sleeping with this man and sharing the marital embrace with him for the rest of your life!  He will know if you are not sexually attracted to him.  If you cannot bear the thought of sharing the marital embrace with him, pass on this offer.

You may even get harassed by family and friends for passing on offers of romance with guys who have any of those 8 issues.  This one stupid scene in When Harry Met Sally has put fear in women over the last 24 years:

At Least You Could Say You Were Married??

Yes, if  you accept the offer of a man with any of the 8 issues listed above, then at least you can say you were married. That is, if he really proposes and marries you. But, you will spend valuable time dating him when you could be free to date and marry a guy without all those issues.

And, you will always wonder about the possibilities you missed out on by not waiting for a guy who is available, completely into you, open to life, generous, responsible, free from serious addiction, Catholic (or at least respectful of your faith) and sexually attractive (to you).

The Veil

I believe the virtue of Chastity provides a hedge of protection against the 8 issues above. I call the hedge of protection The Veil.  The purpose of this post is to support you when others say “What was wrong with him?” or “You’re too picky”.  I want to reassure you that you have made the right decision to pass on the offer of romance from any guy with those 8 issues. The Veil has accomplished its purpose and your decision to pass on his offer is a sacrifice that will bear fruit.

Deep Dive into #7 and #8

I have much more to say about issue #7 and #8, especially as it pertains to the supernatural aspect of chastity and The Veil. I will also reiterate that when he is the right man, you will know.  I will expand on my thoughts in next week’s post.

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“ button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

No introductory words from me can summarize all the wisdom and hope contained in this guest post by Britt from Proverbial Girlfriend.  Britt, thank you so very much.

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Wisdom & Hope for the Single Girl in a Secular World

First, a thank you to Cindy for this opportunity to guest post. I am humbled by her kind words and in praise of her ministry to us young women. While we respectfully disagree on some of the details of the mysteries of life, we both value our dignity as daughters of God and want to encourage young women to live it out as they discern their vocation to the married life.

Last week I found myself belting out the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s latest ear worm “22.” While the real song is catchy, I found I was reminiscing, not relating, to the lyrics.  If I relate to anything at 28, it is to most of the experiences of the slightly older woman in the parody video spoofing it called “32.”.

It’s funny because it’s true, I thought.  But sometimes it’s also sad and scary to think that in 3.5 short years I could be like her and never again have the youthful verve of me in my early twenties still trying to figure things out.  And finding it harder and harder not to succumb to the current culture’s prescriptions for this life.

Having been an adult single Catholic woman living in a secular world but striving not to be of it for a whole decade, I feel like in some respects I’ve been around the city block and could tell you a thing or too.  So here’s some wisdom, followed by a dash of hope for the slightly older single gal in the secular world:

It’s Not For Pete’s Sake:

When I started dating at 22 (really!) and then enduring the inevitable single phases in between CatholicMatch-es, I often thought I only had to do something, and then I’d get Pete, the boyfriend who would become fiancée. Things like:

– improve myself and be more holy

– lead my brother back to Christ, because then I’d know I could lead a husband and family to Him, too

– “believe it and be satisfied.”  I, too, in my happy-side of 25, loved this poem. And I believed that if I became wholly satisfied with God and Jesus, Pete would appear in my pew on Sunday.

Uhm, no. After a few years of striving and making some headway into my spiritual life and that of mine around me, I realized that a man is not quid pro quo from your prayer to God. Because our primary vocation is to know God, to love Him, and serve Him so we may one day be united with Him, it is for His sake that we grow in virtue, evangelize, and seek a personal relationship with Him. If you find yourself overloaded with activities or frustrated that all your efforts are getting you nowhere relationship-wise, step back and go to the Lord (and maybe even a spiritual director) and see what your motivations are. A holy relationship can be a nice bonus, but it should never be the goal before God.

You Might Be Veiled, But Some Guys Have Paper Towel Roll Binoculars

I’m personally still mulling over Cindy’s concept of the veil . If we women have veils, what do men have? Well, I like to think that the good ones walk around wearing those funny glasses with the shades down until they are ready for marriage, and then their clear lenses help them see the women around them. And then there are the other men. Sin, brokenness, and simply poor formation have led a lot of the 25-35-year-old men running around the world (and parish halls, even) wearing only those binoculars made out of paper towel rolls, like they’re five years old. They have artificial constructions of what they’re supposed to see of the world—and worse, it’s very narrow and limited in perspective. While it is never a good idea to date a person with the intention of performing a radical conversion that he is not evening seeking for himself, it is possible that one day they can swap out their crude spectacles for the proper ones. It takes time and God’s grace.

I have realized after meeting many men of various levels of Catholic-ness, that deep down, they too, are scoping out for authentic communion and true joy—but they were never told what that properly looked like or where to find it. So they are stumbling in the darkness. Or they have removed their binoculars and are still squinting in the brightness of the sunlight. It takes time and grace for them and a whole lot of strength on your part to be able to wait for that moment. If you find yourself considering a relationship with someone less than perfectly faithful but striving for it, always witness to Love; never compromise on your morals or principles.  If he is ready for this love, he could be the one to lift his glasses and your veil. If not, it will be painful, but God will be there to hold you. The burden is always on the guy. Never ever believe such a thing is your fault. You are worth being pursued.

It is All for Something

Finally, the hope part. After living in Boston, in some ways one of the most Catholic cities I’ve encountered but also the most liberally secular, I can tell you:

– There are good men out there—but are you? I am not advocating female pursuit, but presence. Presence in faith communities (with the right intentions), presence online (if you feel comfortable with that), presence in social groups. A dear friend of mine finally married at 42 a man she met in a few of her Meetup groups. Though he was baptized and fallen away, he sacrificially loved her, and before he proposed, he first became the man he needed to be to be her husband and re-start his spiritual journey. If she wasn’t present in the world, she might have missed him.

– Your witness to Love means something to the world, even when it seems like it doesn’t. I will never forget the moment when two very different (and secular) friends of mine, at different times, expressed their admiration and in one instance, a kind of sad envy at my desire for chastity in a relationship (Note: you do not have to be a cheerleader; be discreet about your personal history and choices, even if you’re as pure as a saint). A work-in-progress guy I was seeing once marveled at my strength of heart (okay, here’s where the burden can fall on us). But think how powerful it is to say “I don’t just care for you, I care for your soul.” The right guy will be the one who can say those words to you—and then prove it.

– Love of and for God trumps all, because joy is always possible. The hardest truism I learned from being 22 to feeling 32 is that there is no guarantee you will get married, and in the anguish of accepting that, begin to doubt God’s very call. That is what Adam and Eve did. They doubted God’s goodness and intentions from withholding them from the Tree. Doubt is as pernicious and painful a sin as envy . But you are not horrible for this. While you are a daughter of Eve, with Christ, you have been redeemed as a daughter of Mary. Ask Jesus to see the hope that Mary had when she did not doubt our Father’s call for her, especially when it meant not living the life she thought she was supposed to. God saw her through the radical change; and God will see us through ours with His love. Even if we do not marry our helpmate, if we remain in loving relationship with Him, we will see the joy we seek.

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Dear Sweet Frustrated Friend, 

After posting your “Dear Future Husband” Letter last week, it is obvious from the comments and support from other single girls that you are not alone in your frustration. With all that support and cyber love, you might be feeling slightly less frustrated but it is understandable if you still feel alone.   

I am not sure there is anything I can say to ease your suffering. Yes, I believe you are suffering because to be without something we are made for is a suffering.

Could marriage actually be a need?   

I used to feel guilty about my pain and hurt over not being married.  I wasn’t sure I had it in proper perspective given all the suffering going on in the world.  Was my singleness a suffering? Was marriage something I needed or just something I wanted?  If it was just a want, was I justified in my pain over not having it?  The Lord is my Shepherd, after all, and I shall not want, right?

Then someone asked me why I felt guilty for wanting to be married?  They said, “Of course your feelings of hurt are justified.  You don’t have to feel guilty for wanting something you were made for as a woman.”

 Made For Marriage? 

Some folks may read this blog and think that I put too high of a value on marriage to the point of relegating it to the supernatural level.  But, when I read The Catechism, I see that Spousal Love is something we were made for: 

“….The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator….” 

“…Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: “It is not good that the man should be alone…”

Our bodies cry out for Spousal Love.  In this post, I wrote:

“….I am not a theologian but from a Catholic perspective we know that our bodies are made to glorify God. The purpose of marriage and of our fertility is to glorify God. Not being able to fulfill this purpose is, I think, a special kind of suffering.

The shape, form and intricate design of our bodies reveal this strong link to our fertility and femininity. Our bodies are oriented toward marital love…. to bonding and babies.  I could be wrong but I think that God weeps over delayed and missed marriage vocations in a unique way. I feel confident that the plight of the single person is not hidden from Him nor has their cause passed out of His notice…”

Even though we are made for marriage, it is written into our very nature and our bodies cry out for Spousal Love, there is, unfortunately a real possibility that some will have to live with this need unmet.  This is why I believe that delayed marriages and missed marriages are a suffering.

Despair 

As you know, the enemy will whisper to you that God is stingy and that God is not in control.  The enemy will try to convince you to take your vocation into your own hands and make it happen at any cost.  Even the cost of your soul.  You will be tempted to compromise and accept lame offers from guys.  You will be tempted to chase guys. 

It sounds like you are already walking with God and waiting on Him to act on your behalf.  You are doing your part.  The challenge will be to not give in to despair.

What Do I Recommend?

1.  Recognize and accept that you have an unmet need

2.  Be honest with God about your feelings.  He can take it.

3.  Continue to Immerse yourself in the Sacraments (the fount of Grace) and in Sacred Scripture

4.  Find your mission outside of your career (unless your career includes this mission)

5.  Realize that God is our only Hope

Your Future Husband

I know you are frustrated that he has not found you yet.  But, have you considered that he is suffering too and in need of healing?   That he would love to hold you and share his day with you?  That he wants nothing more than to find you and hold those babies you are hoping for?

Pray for him that he will not give in to despair and that his body and soul will be protected from porn and fornication.  He needs your prayers now as much as he will need them when you are married.

Today is the feast day of St. Monica.  Your future husband may be away from the Lord and, similar to St. Augustine, greatly in need of prayer.  Your prayers for him and an offering of your sufferings for him are a powerful combination.

Be Ready

 “….I think this letter is written to a ghost, and it’s a real shame because I’ve been working on myself for you.  I’ve been trying to turn my vices into virtues, take my faults and reform them into blessings, and make my areas of weakness stronger.  For what?  Apparently for nothing, and that really peeves me….”  

I think what you wrote above is understandable.  It is easy to wonder if it is all for nothing. You and I have chatted this week about all the things you are doing to grow closer to the Lord and turn your vices into virtues.  It reminded me of the parable of the 10 Virgins and the Lamp Oil and how it applies to our singleness.  We must always be ready.  In a New York minute, everything can change.

I know you are having trouble believing your husband exists.  I cannot tell you if he does or not.  If he doesn’t then, the 5 recommendations above are critical to fighting off despair. The Lord will provide the much-needed grace proper to heal your suffering.  If your husband does exist, then, it is a matter of waiting…………patiently……..for the Lord to act.  He is our only Hope.

Recommended Posts:

I went back and found the following posts which I hope will provide encouragement and support:

Dear God, What Do You want from me?

Hope

There Is No Formula

Do Men Need Help?

He Will Rule Over You

Fantasy Relationships

I Knew

He Is Not The One

Merge Your Body And Soul

Myth # 3:  There Is Something Wrong With Me

God love and bless you, my sweet friend.  Cindy

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I was supposed to share with you my Free Will post today.  I have been working on that post over the last couple of weeks but have not been satisfied with it.  Sometimes the Lord will divert us from our plans by providing a better plan.  I think He did that over the weekend.

When I woke up early Saturday morning, I found an email from a girl who keenly captured the frustration she is feeling while waiting for her spouse.  I get a number of emails…. but this one really captured my emotions.

The author is a blogger who wants to remain anonymous.  She wrote a candid letter to her future husband.  It is raw and filled with frustration.  A level of frustration that I think we can all relate to.

The significance of the topic of this post is not lost on me as today is the one year anniversary of The Veil of Chastity blog.  The purpose of the blog is to share the wisdom and power of Chastity.  But it is also to offer support to those of you who are feeling frustrated and reassure you that others have walked this difficult path.  We have not forgotten.

I have already responded to the author and received permission to post her letter.  Next week, I will share with you my response to her.

In the meantime, please see her questions below.  She is wondering if she is alone in her perspective and frustration.  Comments to her and encouragement for her are welcomed.

God love and bless you all, Cindy

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Her Questions: Do you think there’s value in this perspective?  Do you think that other girls might feel like this and don’t think the single life is so glamorous all the time, but are afraid of saying it?

 Letters to My Future Husband

So today I was having a ‘spot of tea’ with my friend discussing life, the future, the past, living in the moment, World Youth Day, her gorgeous children, the problems with the Church, the things that make us want to punch people in the face, etc…  We got to talking about my future spouse and the frustrations in waiting for him – which if you know me in real life or read my blog you don’t even need to imagine the extent of that in my life.  And if this is your first time, well, welcome to the inner workings of my brain, you’re in for a real trip.

I have been reading (not participating) in this Not Alone Series over the past 8 or 10 weeks in combination with maybe a hundred or so blog posts I’ve read in the past regarding the single life, hope, waiting, not waiting, the joy, the agony (well, not many people write about the agony, but anyway), etc…  And I’ve heard a hundred times (and I’m certain you have to, if you live in America and have ever seen a religious blog post about the single life) about writing letters to Your Future Spouse before you meet them.

Confession time, I’ve done it – but it’s always awkward.  I mean what do you say?  

 I’ve loved you since I was 15 and started praying for you.

I think I met you today. (and then a week later, well that wasn’t you)

We had our first date. (but there wasn’t a second)

Seriously?  That’s all crap – although I do pray for him – if he even exists, who wants 15 years of pathetic letters that all say the same thing, “I’m praying for you, and I miss you.”  When what I really want to write is:

Where the hell have you been?  I’ve been waiting over here for a while now.  I’m trying to be as patient as possible, but I’m getting a little upset.

or

 What are you up to this weekend?  I really hope you’re not out gallivanting with some random girl who won’t matter to you tomorrow, or for that matter, who won’t care for you past a few weeks.

 or

What are you doing that is more important than hanging out with me?  I mean, if someday I’m going to be the love of your life, why aren’t you seeking me more earnestly?  You really make me want to punch you in the face!

or

I really could have used you today.  I had a hard time at work, I began to question my true purpose in life, and basically, the entire world blamed me for their problems.  I needed a shoulder to cry on when I got home and a pillow just wasn’t cutting it this time.  I could have used a hug from you.  I needed you and you weren’t there.

 or

I’m disappointed that it’s taking more than 28 years for our paths to cross, are you seriously that bad at asking for directions?  Should I be praying you find a GPS or lose some of your pride and just ask for help?

 or

Seriously, is there any courage inside of that chest of yours?  Are you not asking me out because I look ‘scary’ or because maybe I’ll say no?  Be a man!  Stand up and fight for something – fight for me!  All of this beating around the bush is not very attractive.  Know what you want and go after it – it just takes a little courage!  You know, I would have said yes, if you would have asked!

 or

Today I met these little twins.  They are the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and have the best parents in the world, but I wish I was holding our baby.  I hate that you and I don’t have a baby together, that we aren’t sharing our love with the world.

or

I’m losing hope that you are out there.  I believe in a God who can do anything.  Anything is possible.  If he wants to put me on the moon to live for the rest of my life, He can.  But he won’t – that’s not probable or practical.  And I believe He can bring us together because He’s God and He can do anything, I’m just doubting that He actually will.  It’s easier for me to believe that Jesus Christ was both fully human and fully divine than it is to believe that you exist, that you will love me, and that you even want to love me for the rest of my life.  I think this letter is written to a ghost, and it’s a real shame because I’ve been working on myself for you.  I’ve been trying to turn my vices into virtues, take my faults and reform them into blessings, and make my areas of weakness stronger.  For what?  Apparently for nothing, and that really peeves me.  

But I can’t write those things – I mean, the ‘writing letters to your future husband’ movement is all about writing him this journal and then giving it to him as a testament of your love when you’re engaged, married, or sometime later in life.  Then he’s all like, “She’s always loved me.  I know that God has meant for us to be together for all of eternity.”  BLAH- writing that down makes me a little sick, to be perfectly honest.  

 Yes, I have always loved you – in a very abstract way, in the I want to be with one man for the rest of my life and I can’t wait until I meet you.  I also believe that The Lord has a plan, He has to.  I mean, look at the world – this did not just happen to end up like this.  There is a greater being at work.  I also think that God has a plan for us – he has work for me to do.  I just don’t really  know what the work is most of the time.  Maybe it’s raising children, maybe it’s not.

But what would my new husband say if I handed him a book of letters that were more like the other ones.  Basically where the hell have you been all of these years?  And I’m waiting for an answer!  They just sound pathetic and angry, and I’m really not either of those things.  Frustrated with the world maybe, but not pathetic and angry.  I just hate the process is all.  I hate the waiting game.  I can’t stand needing to have patience.  

Those letters are a book full of disappointments.  I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to share these moments with you because I have such a desire to know you and be with you.  I mean, what do you do with a book that is filled with these notes?  Does he say, “I’m sorry.  I didn’t know I was hurting you.”  Then, we move on from there.  Or does he have a book filled with the same kind of letters?  Am I as much of a point of frustration and disappointment to him as he is to me right now?

I really have no idea, I mean, I haven’t done this before.  I don’t know the man who will be my future husband – or maybe I do, but we aren’t dating right now.  Maybe this is just the swift kick in the pants he needs to muster up some courage and ask.  Maybe he is just a figment of my imagination and the Lord wants something different from me. Maybe I need to move before we can meet.  Maybe he needs to.  Maybe a million other things…

I’m just so tired of the ‘maybes’ and the ‘what ifs’ and the rest of it all.  

Have you been following the Not Alone Series hosted by Jen and Morgan?  I seriously look forward to the contributor’s posts each week and when a specific post strikes me, I often spotlight it on my 7 Quick Takes.  But, the post I am featuring today by Britt merited more than just a 7 Quick Takes spotlight.  I asked Britt if I could reblog her Envy and Singlehood post and she graciously agreed.

You may have noticed that I have put the spotlight on Britt a number of times in my 7 Quick Takes.  What is interesting is that Britt and I sometimes differ in our view of things.  For example, I believe that God is intimately involved in our vocation and that He is involved in the details.  And, I believe that as long as we remain in His will, He will lead us to our Holy Spouse. Britt, on the other hand, has several post debunking the “soul mate” concept.  Check out her insightful posts on Soul Mates here and here.

When I read her posts and when they conflict with my own take on things, I never say to myself, “She is so wrong.”  Nope, instead I say, “Wow, very interesting!  Yep, that could be true.”

So, I am featuring Britt here for several reasons.  First, this Envy and Singlehood post is spot on.  Paragraph five made me quite teary when I read it.  Especially the last line. It describes perfectly what I want to convey to you girls.  You are longing for something good.  Do not feel guilty about it. Oh, and don’t forget to click on the very soulful song by Fort Atlantic.

The second reason I am featuring Britt is because she is an excellent writer. What is interesting is that my opinion about her writing style and ability was formed before I discovered that she really is an author!  Check out her books here. 

Isn’t our Catholic cyber community beautiful?  I would love for you to consider Britt as a resource.  She often reveals the other side of the same coin.  This is healthy because our Catholic faith is a deep mystery.  While you are over at her blog, Proverbial Girlfriend, go ahead and sign up to receive her latest posts.

Thank you, Britt, for allowing me to share your Envy and Singlehood post! 

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NAS: Envy and Singlehood

Please join Jen, Morgan, and the rest for more insights!

This week’s topic of envy comes at just the right time for me. Sunday night, at a time when I should have been readying for bed and the early wake-up to drive into work, I instead wandered onto my Facebook feed. An acquaintance of mine posted about how [Conspicuously Male Name] made her dinner, did the washing up, watched Gilmore Girls with her, and even prepared her snacks for the week. My thoughts were 1) When did she get a boyfriend? 2) Who is this guy? 3) Do I really want to know that she met him through one of the groups—the groups I left (for good reasons) and maybe should join up again because it appears to be the boyfriendàfianceàhusband store?

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