It has been almost a month since my last post! Thank you to all of you that have emailed me to check on things.  I am doing well!  The number of posts have gone down because I had to re-prioritize some things.  I just felt that the blog was taking up time that I wanted to spend with my family.  Everything seemed to need my sincere attention (son’s homework, my exercise regimen, Gregg, the house, finances).  The time I spend at the computer lately has been dedicated to answering emails from you girls, which is what I love to do.  And, most of what I have to say about Chastity and dating on the blog is contained here.

Today I am sharing a Youtube video of Father Robert Barron.  Although the title of it is about being Born Again, the part that struck me was the ‘breaking through’ of Grace which elevates and builds upon our nature and every circumstance. A different way of thinking about Superabundance.

We watched the Father Barron video at our bible study last night and I really felt that the Lord was speaking to me. Unless we allow for this ‘breaking through’, we will see things in only one dimension and this affects our vision, our thoughts and our actions.  We get stuck in the narrow confines of this world and can easily fall into spiritual darkness.

Have you read any books by Flannery O’Connor?  I haven’t mostly because I don’t enjoy fiction.  But, I may have to try to read one of her books.  Father Barron references her in the video.

Speaking of books, I just finished a book by Immaculée Ilibagiza called Our Lady of Kibeho.  I bought the book the night that I went to see her speak in person.  It was a date night for my son and me and neither of us will ever be able to forget her.  He is only 10 but every time we talk about her he gives me a kiss on the cheek.  Here is a little about Immaculée:

“Immaculée Ilibagiza is a survivor of the 1994 Rwandan genocide that took the lives of nearly one million Tutsis. Men, women and children, including her entire family except for one of her brothers, were massacred at the hands of Hutu marauders. Immaculée found shelter at a pastor’s home, where she and seven other women hid from the deadly rebel mob in a 3-by-4-foot bathroom for 91 days. During those 91 days of unimaginable suffering, Immaculée found her faith, taught herself English, and most incredibly, committed herself to a life of peace, hope and forgiveness, even for those who had murdered her family.”

I have her other book called Left To Tell and I plan to start reading it this weekend. She is such a beautiful soul!  She awakens your perspective.  Are you angry?  Read her book.  Feeling like God has forgotten you?  Read her book.

Let God break through.  Let His healing Grace ‘baptize’ your mind and allow you to see as God sees and feel and understand things in proper perspective.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”  Phil 4:6-9

Write to me anytime and be assured of my prayers. theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you! Cindy

Here is Father Barron’s video:

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

In my last post, I encouraged those of you participating in on-line dating to allow for mystery, risk and conquest.  I shared how to manage your ‘online footprint’ in order to find out which guys are willing to slay dragons for you.  I recommended that you think like a guy (mystery, risk, conquest) but behave like a girl. Let’s review.

Behave Like A Girl

Here are some ways to allow for the mystery, risk and conquest in the online dating world:

1. If you get the matchy-match notice from the dreaded algorithm…..ignore it. Realize that it is the algorithm contacting you and not a real man.
2. Only communicate with men who are brave and resourceful enough to contact you first. The fact that he reaches out to contact you is a very good sign.
3. Do not view any profiles until the guy contacts you. Then, you may check him out. This will prevent any Fantasy Relationships taking place in your head.

I also anticipated a protest from you because, inside your head, there may be a belief that you have to be the one who is brave and resourceful.  Your ‘take charge’ attributes have benefited you in other areas of your life so why not apply these gifts to your love life?  It is easy to think that you have to compete to get the love you need. And, there is a voice inside your head that says, “I have to make it happen or else it will never happen naturally for me.  I am just an average girl.”

An Average Girl

The world puts an awful lot of pressure on us to be a certain way and most of us will never meet those standards.  Shiny hair, flawless skin, a perfect smile and a strong, smooth body only belong to a few and because of this, the rest of us think of ourselves as ‘average.’

Do you know what I find to be interesting? If you look around, these, what the world would describe as ‘average’, girls get married all the time.  Why is this?

Attraction

I am convinced that in order for a man to pursue a girl, he needs to be physically attracted to her.  So, in the online dating world, a guy most likely looks at your photo first and then reads your profile.  If there is an interest, he pursues.  This might sound like a bad thing if you are an average girl like me…….unless you understand something ~ attraction is dependent upon the eye of the beholder.

You might be thinking, “That’s your big revelation?  I knew that!”  Yes, you do know it.  What you may not believe is that there is a beholder who will be specifically attracted to you.  Your doubt is normal.  But, this ‘eye of the beholder’ concept is the basis for my Veil and Superabundance Theories.

Whether your beloved beholder ever shows up is the question we all struggle with (see section below).  My point is, he needs to be attracted to you and you want him to be attracted to you.  Give him the opportunity to decide this in his head, heart and soul.  Give him the opportunity to decide to pursue you without feeling pressured because you contacted him first.  In fact, those of us who are average girls benefit even more by letting him decide these things in advance because the question of attraction in the beholder’s eye is already answered with a ‘yes!’.

He Decides, I Pick

When I was single, I made the decision to let the men come to me. Let them decide to pursue me and then I would pick from that pool of candidates. The biggest benefit I experienced was that the question of “Is he attracted to me?” had already been answered and I could proceed with confidence rather than feeling that I had to be perfect.

You see, I didn’t have the ‘power’ that those ‘perfect by the world’s standards’ girls seem to have and therefore I decided to wait for a natural kind of empowerment.  The kind of empowerment that comes from knowing that you are being pursued.

Will He Show Up?

I don’t know if your beloved beholder will show up.  In the same way, I did not know that Gregg would show up.  But, making the decision to let my hoped-for beloved beholder come to me naturally or not at all resulted in a type of empowerment that is hard to describe. I knew what I needed and I gave myself permission to want it, even if it meant not ever having it.  Does that make sense?

Described another way, it was important to me that I not ever wonder if my husband is attracted to me.  I refused to put myself at such a disadvantage…..and this was empowering.  But, I had to wait.  I had to surrender.  I had to accept that he may never show.  I had trust that if he never shows up, then that is a better outcome than constantly trying to prove myself worthy and wasting time knowing that things will eventually ‘fizzle out’ because of a weak attraction.

You can also give yourself permission to do the same because it is in the eye of your beloved beholder that you will be seen as attractive.  This attraction will feel very surreal and supernatural.  Why?  Because it is.

The Supernatural Realm

In order to give yourself this same permission, you have to believe in the Supernatural realm.  It is in this realm where God fulfills His plan.  If your vocation was left simply in the natural realm, then I would advise you to do all you can to capture your man before some other girl gets him.  Help him, contact him first, call him, email him, text him and chase him.  Be the doormat.

But that is not how God designed us women.  He designed us to be the receivers and the responders.  He designed men to be the initiators and the pursuers.  Therefore, wait for God to infuse Supernatural grace into your man so that he will not need your help.  Of course, this can only happen within the Supernatural realm of God’s will.  So, stay in His will.  Do not stray from His path.

Once you wrap your arms around this truth, you will have peace while you wait.  You will be able to stop yourself from initiating contact with men, helping them in their pursuit or becoming the doormat.  You will be able to wait on the Lord and His Supernatural Grace. Even in the event that your beloved beholder does not show up, the Lord’s Peace and Supernatural Grace will be with you.

I invite you to email me at anytime: theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God Love and Bless You!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

A couple of weeks ago, as Gregg and I were driving to work (at 6:00am), I shared with him the latest on what was going on with ‘the blog girls’ (you). I told him my thoughts on how things have changed in the online dating world.  One thing that I am disturbed about is the lack of mystery with today’s online dating sites and how I believe this can work against you girls.  But, it doesn’t have to and that is what today’s post is about!

Managing Your Online Footprint

Do today’s online sites tempt you to search out, contact and fantasize about the guys on the site?   Do the guys have evidence of your searches, the number of times you view their profile and the amount of time you spend on the site? Could guys be turned off by a sense of desperation coming from the way you conduct yourself online?  Finally, is your online footprint potentially too big?  If so, let’s see how this impacts how you are perceived and what you can do about it.

Okay, so from what I understand, sites such as CatholicMatch.com somehow automatically match the boys to the girls. I assume it is the result of an algorithm built into the system based on how the person answers a series of questions.

Strike #1

This Matchy-Match system is Strike #1 in my book. Why?  Because it significantly reduces the need for the guy to be Resourceful.  Remember my 3 R’s?  In this post, I said that a guy has to be Resourceful, Ready and Realistic.  If the algorithm is doing all the work for him, then it is weakening his Resourcefulness muscle.

I am fine with a guy using filters to find a girl.  For example, he can filter by things like location and age.  But, then I think he needs to do the work associated with the search.  Look at photos, read bios/profiles, etc.  Put some effort into it!

Instead, the system is all matchy.  Okay, fine.

Strike #2

Let’s accept the matchy-match factor and move on to the next strike:  The “See who viewed your profile” function.  Strike # 2. Why?  Because, it gives the guy too much information.  And, it temps the girl to initiate contact with a guy just because he viewed her profile (I get email confessions).  A girl should fight this temptation to contact these guys.  Why?  Because if a guy viewed a girl’s profile and did not initiate contact with her…..we have to consider that he was not interested.  He moved on to check out other girls.

When a guy sees a photo and profile he likes, he contacts her….even if she is out of his league.

Don’t think like a Girl

It is so easy for us girls to think, “Oh, he viewed my profile and must be intimidated by me.  Let me contact him to let him know that I don’t bite.”  That, my friend, is thinking like a girl.  And, when I presented this line fo thinking to Gregg, he said,

“You need to tell the girls this:  Don’t take away his dragons!“

In other words, you girls are thinking like girls.  You are thinking you need to lower the bar and remove imaginary barriers.  Instead what you are doing is removing the mystery, the risk and the conquest.

Mystery, Risk And Conquest

A man likes mystery.  He likes to take risks.  Sure, the girl may be out of his league but that makes it even all the more exciting! It is a dragon to slay.  Don’t take away his dragons by making it too easy.

I know what you are thinking…..“that won’t happen to me.  I am not dragon-worthy. ”  Well, yes you are. But you will never find out who is willing to slay that dragon for you until you manage your online footprint and for this I recommend you think like a guy (mystery, risk, conquest) but behave like a girl.

Behave Like A Girl

1. If you get the matchy-match notice from the dreaded algorithm…..ignore it.
2. Only communicate with men who are brave and resourceful enough to contact you first.
3. Do not view any profiles until the guy contacts you. Then, you may check him out.

Why?

The reasons are simple.  If a guy checks out your profile but does not contact you after the algorithm does all the work for him matches you…….then he is not interested.  If you contact him first, then you are trying to make something happen that isn’t happening naturally. Not good. So, if you wait and only communicate with the guys who contact you first, your chances of success skyrocket.

The problem with checking out the guys profile before he contacts you is that The Fantasy Relationship starts to take off.  You start naming children and this man, who hasn’t even typed a sentence to you, occupies your thoughts.

But Cindy!

I hear your protests.  The biggest protest in your head is “I have to make it happen or else it will never happen naturally for me.  I am just an average girl.”

And that is the dragon I will kill in my next post.

God Love and Bless You!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

This week I am linking an insightful post from another blogger, Tammy.  I have been a fan of Tammy’s for a while and have been enjoying her new blog, Counter Cultural Catholic.

Her post this week, In Pursuit of Something Special, is about her experience with online dating.  Tammy asks and answers these questions and more:

“Do you respond to everyone who contacts you? Is it kinder to email back a “Not Interested” or to simply not respond? Is one more hurtful than the other? When someone piques your interest, should you play hard to get? Can you type too much? Is aloof alluring?”

Next week, I will share my thoughts, specifically on CatholicMatch.com and provide advice on how a girl can manage her online ‘footprint.’

Tammy will be writing additional posts on this subject so head on over to her blog and sign up to receive her future posts!

Thank you, Tammy!

If you are in need of encouragement or advice, my email is theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

Many of you are participating in online dating.  What should you do when somewhere in the exchange, the guy says, “Feel free to call/text/message me.”  I hear this from many girls who get confused about what it means.  What should you do when a guy puts the ball in your court?

Lukewarm

I was just writing to a girl the other day and I told her that I hate to be the Debbie Downer. I am sure some girls think my advice is to be too harsh on guys.  But, it is a pattern I see.  If a guy is putting the ball in the girl’s court without any intention of risking himself in the pursuit, then it usually means that he is lukewarm in his interest.

It usually means that his feelings are such that if the girl takes the bait and initiates, then he is ‘fine’ with it.  She may be able to keep him occupied and from feeling lonely while he keeps his eyes open for someone he can feel passionate about.

As you can imagine, this is a tough pill to swallow for the girl….especially when she is attracted to him and hopeful of a positive outcome.

Smiley Face

Another girl was texting with a guy who kept putting the ball in her court. He was one of those “feel free to text me.” kind of guys. They had gone on one date and then he would contact her sporadically.

I told her to just respond with a smiley face. So she did this even though her mother disagreed.  But, in the end, the guy eventually gave up. It could be said that he stopped ‘messing with her.‘ All the half-hearted lobs he was tossing her made her feel that she needed to be the one to keep the ball in play.  It made her doubt herself.  It really messed with her.  I felt that, after a certain amount of back and forth, the only way to respond to this guy was with a smile.

Risk

I have shared before that Gregg gave me his phone number but he never said, “Feel free to call me.”  Instead he said, “Here is my phone number in the event you are not comfortable giving me yours.”  This is different.  He took my preferences into consideration and revealed that he was willing to be the one to call and take that risk.

I feel that men who put the ‘pursuit’ ball in the girl’s court are unwilling to take a risk.  And, isn’t that really what dating requires?  But, in order to risk, the guy has to feel that the payoff is worth it.  And, then he has to be ready and willing to take it.

The 3 R’s

I wrote a post back in July which described the 3 R’s which are needed before a guy will take that risk.  He needs to be Resourceful, Ready and Realistic. It is fine if a guy is not motivated to pursue you.  In fact, he should only pursue you if he is truly interested in you.  But, the only way for his half-hearted ‘feel free to’ lobs to stop is for you to interpret the signs and realize what is going on.

The Veil

I haven’t mentioned the veil in a while so some of you may not know this little theory of mine. I invite you to check it out as a way to stay encouraged the next time a guy says “Feel free to.”  No, my dear girl, the one that God has for you will not take such a chance by putting the ball in your court.  He will take the risk and pursue you.  If he says “feel free to” then feel free to ignore his half-hearted invitation. 🙂

If you are in need of encouragement or advice, my email is theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!