A couple of weeks ago, as Gregg and I were driving to work (at 6:00am), I shared with him the latest on what was going on with ‘the blog girls’ (you). I told him my thoughts on how things have changed in the online dating world. One thing that I am disturbed about is the lack of mystery with today’s online dating sites and how I believe this can work against you girls. But, it doesn’t have to and that is what today’s post is about!
Managing Your Online Footprint
Do today’s online sites tempt you to search out, contact and fantasize about the guys on the site? Do the guys have evidence of your searches, the number of times you view their profile and the amount of time you spend on the site? Could guys be turned off by a sense of desperation coming from the way you conduct yourself online? Finally, is your online footprint potentially too big? If so, let’s see how this impacts how you are perceived and what you can do about it.
Okay, so from what I understand, sites such as CatholicMatch.com somehow automatically match the boys to the girls. I assume it is the result of an algorithm built into the system based on how the person answers a series of questions.
This Matchy-Match system is Strike #1 in my book. Why? Because it significantly reduces the need for the guy to be Resourceful. Remember my 3 R’s? In this post, I said that a guy has to be Resourceful, Ready and Realistic. If the algorithm is doing all the work for him, then it is weakening his Resourcefulness muscle.
I am fine with a guy using filters to find a girl. For example, he can filter by things like location and age. But, then I think he needs to do the work associated with the search. Look at photos, read bios/profiles, etc. Put some effort into it!
Instead, the system is all matchy. Okay, fine.
Let’s accept the matchy-match factor and move on to the next strike: The “See who viewed your profile” function. Strike # 2. Why? Because, it gives the guy too much information. And, it temps the girl to initiate contact with a guy just because he viewed her profile (I get email confessions). A girl should fight this temptation to contact these guys. Why? Because if a guy viewed a girl’s profile and did not initiate contact with her…..we have to consider that he was not interested. He moved on to check out other girls.
When a guy sees a photo and profile he likes, he contacts her….even if she is out of his league.
Don’t think like a Girl
It is so easy for us girls to think, “Oh, he viewed my profile and must be intimidated by me. Let me contact him to let him know that I don’t bite.” That, my friend, is thinking like a girl. And, when I presented this line fo thinking to Gregg, he said,
“You need to tell the girls this: Don’t take away his dragons!“
In other words, you girls are thinking like girls. You are thinking you need to lower the bar and remove imaginary barriers. Instead what you are doing is removing the mystery, the risk and the conquest.
Mystery, Risk And Conquest
A man likes mystery. He likes to take risks. Sure, the girl may be out of his league but that makes it even all the more exciting! It is a dragon to slay. Don’t take away his dragons by making it too easy.
I know what you are thinking…..“that won’t happen to me. I am not dragon-worthy. ” Well, yes you are. But you will never find out who is willing to slay that dragon for you until you manage your online footprint and for this I recommend you think like a guy (mystery, risk, conquest) but behave like a girl.
Behave Like A Girl
- If you get the matchy-match notice from the dreaded algorithm…..ignore it.
- Only communicate with men who are brave and resourceful enough to contact you first.
- Do not view any profiles until the guy contacts you. Then, you may check him out.
The reasons are simple. If a guy checks out your profile but does not contact you after the algorithm does all the work for him matches you…….then he is not interested. If you contact him first, then you are trying to make something happen that isn’t happening naturally. Not good. So, if you wait and only communicate with the guys who contact you first, your chances of success skyrocket.
The problem with checking out the guys profile before he contacts you is that The Fantasy Relationship starts to take off. You start naming children and this man, who hasn’t even typed a sentence to you, occupies your thoughts.
I hear your protests. The biggest protest in your head is “I have to make it happen or else it will never happen naturally for me. I am just an average girl.”
And that is the dragon I will kill in my next post.
God Love and Bless You!
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Yes. A man wants to retrieve his missing rib, not have it handed to him.
You continue to be correct about letting men be men during the courtship process.
I couldn’t help but reflect on an online experience I had with a guy that I began communicating with in 2011. Before him though, I did chat with many guys but I was never interested in meeting up with them nor did I ever develop any kind of feelings for these men except for that one person. Even though the few conversations that we had were short and never did center around God, I still felt this strong desire to meet him in person, but I couldn’t because of my circumstances at the time which unfortunately have not changed (i.e still unable to find a job and still living at home with mom and dad. To make matters worse, I just turned 31. Anyways to get straight to the point, after first chatting with this person, I decided to present the matter to God and I asked for signs to show me if this is the man that I should pray about ,and to be honest with you I did receive some signal graces from the the Holy Mother (whom I’ve also prayed to as well.) but now i’m starting to wonder if I just give up praying about him since we stopped communicating about a year ago?. I know that he’s still single at the current moment, and I would still like to meet this person when my situation changes. I have liked other guys here and there, but it never worked out because none of them had shown any interest in me. I last wrote to you about two years ago and I told you about the struggles and difficulties I was having as a single person because I never once had a man in my life, I’m 100 percent virgin, meaning I never slept with anyone nor did I ever kiss anybody either. You responded back and told me that you were you going to add me to your prayer list. It still hasn’t been easy for me, because now I’m really getting OLD and nothing has changed at all.
I agree entirely with everything you’ve written … in my mind on my most rational days! Living it out is so much harder!
And this ‘average girl’ can’t wait for next week’s post … I have a feeling I’ll be printing it out and hanging it on my bathroom mirror for twice daily “brushing my teeth” readin!
I think this is all true! The problem is you feel so inactive and like you’re wasting money if no one contacts you. . .I’m planning to just let my CM subscription run out. I paid for a lifetime AMS membership so i’ll remain on there.
Good work, Cindy. Looking forward to the next post too!
good one cindy!!
I have never tried online dating, but maybe it is something I will keep in mind for the future. Looking forward to reading more. Your posts are always so helpful and encouraging!
Yes, so much pressure to “make it happen”–not to mention the saying, “The Lord helps those who help themselves.” (The question is, how does one define “helping themselves”?) Looking forward to more!