Over the last several weeks, I presented Part 1 and Part 2 of my review of the book, Would You Date You? by Anthony Buono, President of the on-line dating site, avemariasingles.com.

In Part 1, I shared my thoughts about Anthony and how I had a positive experience with him and with on-line dating.  In Part 2, I delved into the two main areas in which Anthony and I appear to not be in sync, namely whether God arranges marriage, and if God has a specific person in mind for us when it comes to marriage.

Part 3 (finally!) includes my detailed, although somewhat critical, review of his book.  Anthony’s book is very practical and full of truths that are good for everyone, not just singles.  It takes the reader through an analysis of 10 different, what I would describe as, life goals:  Become Heavenly, Become Humble, Become Prayerful, Become Pure, Become Charitable, Become Merciful, Become Detached, Become Self-Aware, Become Flexible and Become Practical.  Then, he helps the reader analyze if there is room for improvement in these areas.  The idea being that in order to attract a wonderful person, you have to first be a wonderful person. Hence the title, Would You Date You?

Again, I think his book has a lot of useful information that can be applied to anyone’s life, not just singles.  However, I do have the following concerns that I would like for you to consider as you read his book.

Too Much Self-Analysis? 

The whole idea of Anthony’s book is self-analysis.  Although this analysis can be a good thing, too much of it can be unhealthy, especially for women.  We women tend to easily focus on our faults and become hyper-critical of ourselves.  We can be tempted to turn ourselves into a pretzel to try to meet all the false expectations we put on ourselves.

I am not sure that Anthony’s book would have been helpful to me when I was single.  I would have most likely concluded that I am not heavenly, humble, prayerful, merciful, etc. enough.  And, I wasn’t!  But, I still got married in spite of having all this room for improvement.

As I wrote about in this mythbuster, there is nothing wrong with you that will keep the one that God has for you from marrying you.  That is, if you are running toward God, practicing Chastity and living a Sacramental life.

So my recommendation is to read the book and incorporate all the good information.  But avoid becoming hyper-critical and know that God’s timing trumps all of our self-knowledge and self-improvement plans.

A Male Point of View

According to my husband, the fact that Anthony is a man is the primary reason for why Anthony and I don’t see eye to eye on the need for so much self-analysis.  Gregg feels that the emphasis that Anthony puts on self-analysis is badly needed by single men, in general and can serve as a wake-up call for them.

Gregg, as a single man, had to learn to overcome himself.  Becoming a good husband required courage and the ability to put others first.  Gregg had to have a lot of courage to pursue me and his generosity and selflessness won me over.  Developing courage, generosity and selflessness required self-analysis. 

But, in the end, Gregg feels that if you run toward God and strengthen yourself spiritually through the Sacraments and with a chaste life, then that much-needed courage, generosity and selflessness will result. Self-analysis is needed but it alone cannot help anyone overcome themselves.

I think this is implied in Anthony’s book but he does not emphasize it.  No big deal. There are still lots of good insights to be gleaned for both men and women.  Just remember to not become hyper-critical.

Is Marriage Hard? 

Anthony really emphasizes the difficulty of marriage but I personally don’t think marriage is hard. Keep in mind that Anthony has been married for at least twice as long as I have and has 7 children. So, that may explain part of it.  From my point of view, however, marriage is a lot easier than being single (!) and I worry that his emphasis on the ‘difficulty’ can be sort of discouraging for singles looking for answers and hope.

I wonder if the level of difficulty each married couple experiences is a reflection of the amount of sanctification that takes place within marriage?  For example, if you get married at 24 years old, your spouse will have to witness (and endure) your emotional and spiritual growth/maturity. That is not always a pleasant experience!  My husband and I had a lot of our emotional and spiritual wrinkles ironed out by the time we were married at 38 years old. We had a couple of growing pains but for the most part, our marriage has been easy.

Also, when you get married young, it may be tempting to take your spouse and your marriage for granted because it may have come easy for you.  I can reassure you, even after 10 years, Gregg and I do not take our marriage for granted.  When you are without something (marriage) for so long, you appreciate it once it finally arrives.  You treat it very gently.  It is the same with us.  We treat each other and our marriage very gently.  And, to us, it is not hard.

Anthony and I would definitely agree that marriage is harder without the virtue of Chastity and the Sacraments because you are not continually replenishing from the font of grace.  But for me so far, coupled with Chastity and a Sacramental grace-filled life, marriage has been easy.  So my message is, ‘Be not afraid!’

Is There A Key?

In the Become Prayerful chapter, there is a section titled The Key to Answered Prayer.  It says,

“There is one more thing that is necessary for answered prayer, and that is living a clean life….Once you are focused on Christ, begin to pray like you already know it will happen.  It is just a matter of when. It is justice for a good person living a clean life and staying closer to God to have their prayers answered.…live your life as one who is thankful to God and confident He is going to grant your request.”

Yikes!  Where do I begin on this?  I am sure that Anthony is not professing the ‘name-it-and-claim-it-prosperity Gospel.’  I can’t help but think of our Old Testament friend Job and all the single ‘Jobs’ living a clean life who have not had their prayers answered.  We have to recognize the reality of the missed (and delayed) marriage vocation and how often times those that suffer in this missed and delayed vocation are in fact living a clean life!  It also begs the question, “How do we explain the millions of married people who are not living a clean life?”

So yes, yes, live a clean life.  But the reason is not so much so that our prayer requests will be granted. The reason is because holiness is our calling.  A clean life, which includes Chastity, aligns with our design.  When we defy the spiritual and physical laws, we suffer and put a barrier between ourselves and our Holy Maker.

There is no “key” to answered prayer and I am sure that Anthony knows this. We are to live a clean life.  We are to live a Sacramental life.  We are to make our requests known to God.  We are to have faith in His will whatever it is. We are to accept His will.  Beyond that, it is painfully and exasperatingly out of our control.

I feel confident that Anthony knows that there is no key to having our prayers for marriage answered.  In this article, he states:

”I completely agree that men and women must make the effort to get out there. But finding a good deal and discovering love is so much more about God’s hand than it is our effort. I’ve said before: love is a mystery. It cannot be determined by us.”

Personal Enough? 

I wish there was more of Anthony’s personal anecdotes shared in the book.  I was not able to find a reference to his wife anywhere in the book nor did he share any of his own insights about himself.  I think it would have been nice and the book would have been more compelling if he had shared some tidbits about himself (I guess I am nosey!).  And, it would have been great if he would have answered the question of if he, given the title of the book, would have dated himself?!  Maybe this is an idea for his next book!

Have you read Anthony’s book? If so, please feel free to share your thoughts in the combox. If you haven’t, it is available on Amazon in both paperback and Kindle.

 God love and bless you!

** Next week:  Myths That Singles Must Resist:  Myth #4 Attraction Is Physical

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Two weeks ago, I presented Part 1 of this book review and today I will continue with Part 2.  There is so much good stuff to talk about in this book that I cannot guarantee I will be able to include everything in just two parts.  There may be a Part 3!

Anthony Buono, President of the on-line dating site, avemariasingles.com, recently wrote a book called, Would You Date You?  In Part 1, I shared my thoughts about Anthony and how I had a positive experience with him and with on-line dating.  I also outlined two main areas in which Anthony and I appear to not be in sync:

1. Whether God arranges marriage, and
2. If God has a specific person in mind for us when it comes to marriage.

Two Different Perspectives

Anthony believes that God is not in the matchmaking business and that there is no such thing as a soul mate.  I believe that God arranges marriages and has a specific person in mind for us. 

As I stated in Part 1, the Catholic Church does not have an official doctrine that supports either opinion.  Rightly so, the Church understands that God is a mystery and figuring out His will is not an exact science.

What About Free Will?

Okay, so I believe that God arranges marriages and has a specific person in mind for us.  But, how does this work given the fact that we have the gift of free will? My belief is that the power of grace, when we are open to it, influences us. The Holy Spirit is alive within us and speaks to us! And our guardian angels whisper in our ears and move us in specific directions. God knows ahead of time what we will do and He allows for events and people to influence us.  And somehow all the stars align at the right time. 

But, this begs the question, ‘Can we miss God’s will?’ Yes, we can.

What About Missed Vocations?

Maybe the reason Anthony thinks that God is not in the matchmaking business is because of how impossible it is to explain why some remain unmarried (missed vocations) and why some divorce (misused freedom?).  I cannot speak for him but he may be defaulting to the philosophical conclusion that it is because God is ‘uninvolved.’

I am also at a loss on how to explain these missed vocations and divorces.  But, I refuse to believe that our loving God is uninvolved.  As I have stated before, there is the possibility that one (or both) of the singles misused their gift of free will and failed to do their part (by staying in God’s will).  This is called a “missed vocation.”  And, it is a heartbreaking mystery.

Divine Guidance

Although this does not come across in Anthony’s book, I was really happy to find a number of quotes by him which (I think) show that he does believe in Divine Guidance when it comes to marriage and our spouse:

”I completely agree that men and women must make the effort to get out there. But finding a good deal and discovering love is so much more about God’s hand than it is our effort. I’ve said before: love is a mystery. It cannot be determined by us.”

“Because God is love, finding someone special and falling in love is, in a very mysterious and intangible way, about two people moved by God Himself toward each other, sometimes without even realizing it or understanding why.”

“God allowed them to find it for some unknown reason. Why they found it, rather than someone else, cannot be answered. It certainly cannot be attributed to determination or the will to find it.”

I believe in Divine providence and that our loving God wants us to know His will for our lives.  If we tune in to Him, He will reveal it to us.  The revealing of His will is often only seen in hindsight and not before hand.  But nevertheless, the evidence is there that a Force greater than us is responsible and leading us.  Scripture supports this throughout the bible.  Scripture shows that people had free will but God’s plan still somehow prevailed (I will share these bible events in a future post!). I don’t know how God does it but He does.

For example, as I shared in Part 1, God used Anthony to encourage me to stay in the on-line dating world.  Anthony’s actions kept me on the path to meet my husband! I believe the Holy Spirit guided Anthony.  God’s Divine providence was played out by His people (Anthony, Gregg and me) who responded, with their gift of free will, to His guidance and prompting.  Both Gregg and I can look back on our lives, with the benefit of hindsight and with the eyes of faith, and see God’s hand leading us toward each other (I will share the specifics in a future post!). 

Soul Mate

Unlike me, Anthony is not a believer in the concept of a soul mate so his book does not discuss this aspect of marital love.  He feels that the concept is dangerous and can lead to divorce.  He explains in this article that when marriages don’t work out, people conclude that they married the wrong person.  Then they try to justify the divorce so that they can be set free to find their ‘soul mate.’  He explains that it is better to stick with it and work it out.  I agree with him!

However, you have to wonder if the concept of the soul mate is really the problem.  My opinion is that unchaste behavior can lead to blindness and this blindness can cause us to marry a person who is not good for us. My opinion is supported by the low, low divorce rate of those committed to Chastity before and with marriage who don’t seem to be out looking for their soul mate.  They have already found them and are happy!  Either way, once the vows have been made, I, along with Anthony, agree that one must stick with their choice and work it out.  Our God is the Great Redeemer!

I have to add that my belief in the idea of a soul mate only enhances my love for Gregg. Even after 10 years of marriage and the occasional ‘mad as a hornet’ feelings (ha ha)(hormones), I know without a doubt that his soul is my soul’s ‘one and only’ mate by Divine Design.

A Number of Prospects?

Anthony stated, “the fact is God is helping us come into contact with good prospects, but he does not have just one person set aside for us. We do the choosing and God does the blessing.”

I, on the other hand, believe that God does have a person set aside for us and leads us to that person…if we cooperate and if the other person cooperates.  In addition, I believe that God puts a protective Veil over us as a way of hiding us from every possible suitor but the one He has chosen for us. But we can work against this protection and go our own way. And, unfortunately, so can the one God has for us.

However, the idea that God paraded a number of good “prospects” in front of Gregg and me and we just happened to pick each other does not ring true for me. I honestly cannot imagine being married to anyone other than Gregg.  We are perfect….for each other. 

One of Many Good Prospects?

Call me “overly sentimental” but if Gregg thought that I was just one of many suitable partners, I would kind of be offended.  I just wonder what it says about a man who thinks this about his wife?  Does he look at her and think, “Yeah, Linda could have made me just as happy.”  I just cannot relate to this and, thankfully, neither can Gregg.

When I look at Gregg and when he looks at me, we clearly believe that we were meant for each other.  No one else could make me happy and no one else could understand and tolerate me.  Many have tried, only to fail.  This love is supernatural.  It was not random.

Blessed Pope John Paul II

I am reading a book by George Weigel called The Truth of Catholicism (omgoodness! So good! Yes, a future book review). In it he discusses Blessed Pope JPII as “a celebrant of sexual love who has been saying to the sexual revolution….‘Human sexuality is greater than you think.‘” Weigel writes that “some would argue that the Pope has too high a view of sexual love.”

When I read that I felt like I could be accused of the same thing. Some may think that I have too high a view of marriage and sexual love and that it is naïve of me to put so much stock in God’s desire to make heavenly matches. But, really, what is more important than for us to be as the Pope describes “fully human and flourishing” through faithful, fruitful and free sexual love?

I am not sure that all things matter to God. But, it is my belief who we share our human sexuality with matters to God. He designed each of us and knows who will make us fully human and with whom we will fully flourish.

Does It Matter?

Anthony may understandably say that my belief that God arranges marriage and has a specific person in mind for us is unrealistic.  So, let’s suppose that it is!  Let’s suppose that Anthony is correct and that God does leave it in our hands and up to chance.  How would you conduct yourself if that were the case? 

Would you keep your commitment to Chastity?

Would you endeavor to become closer to God and strive for holiness?

Would you stay committed to living a Sacramental life?

Would you want a man to take the initiative and chase you?

Would you have faith in God’s love for you and His goodness?

If you answered ‘yes’ to all the above, I feel sure that Anthony and I would agree that you are on the right path.

Now that I have presented Part 2, I will provide a review of other details in Anthony’s book in Part 3 next week.  Stay tuned!

God love and bless you!

Anthony’s book is available on Amazon in soft cover or through Kindle

** Next week: Book Review: Would You Date You? Part 3

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Anthony Buono, President of avemariasingles.com, recently wrote a book titled, Would You Date You? I decided to break this book review into several parts because I had so much to say!  Before I share my thoughts on the book, let me tell you a little about Anthony.

A Gracious Man

My husband and I met on-line over 11 years ago.  We are so thankful for visionaries like Anthony who started the Catholic on-line dating sites.  Gregg says we met through catholicsingles.com (I don’t remember) although we were both also members of Anthony’s site, avemariasingles.com. 

Back then, there was a monthly membership fee. At one point, I was thinking of ending my membership with both sites because I was just not meeting quality guys.  The ones who were contacting me were sort of lame (details are found in my soon-to-be-hopefully-published book) and the whole experience made me feel like the on-line thing was a hopeless waste of money. 

Anthony from avemariasingles.com reached out to me and encouraged me to stay.  He told me that having girls like me on his site was a benefit for him and, if I remember correctly, he gave me (something like) 6 months free in order to show his appreciation. He won me over!  Back then, the online dating thing was not as popular as it is today and it was still sort of taboo.  Anthony is smart and knew that sometimes a business man has to take a small loss in order to establish a firm foundation for his new product.  So, my impression of Anthony is that he is a very sweet and gracious man.

I also contacted Anthony recently and again he was very gracious and encouraging.  He asked me to write a review of his book on Amazon.com and after months of considering it, I decided to write this review instead. 

One Truth, Two Different Perspectives

Anthony’s book is very practical and full of truths that are good for everyone, not just singles.  It takes the reader through an analysis of 10 different, what I would describe as, life goals:  Become Heavenly, Become Humble, Become Prayerful, Become Pure, Become Charitable, Become Merciful, Become Detached, Become Self-Aware, Become Flexible and Become Practical.

Then, he helps the reader analyze if there is room for improvement in these areas.  The idea being that in order to attract a wonderful person, you have to first be a wonderful person. Hence the title, Would You Date You?

Although I found a lot of truth in his book, I came to the conclusion that Anthony and I have two different perspectives on the vocation of marriage simply because of our very different paths and life experiences.  Also, Anthony is a male so naturally and thankfully his perspective will be different from mine.

Anthony’s perspective is well founded.  He has been in the on-line dating business for over 15 years.  I am certain that he has seen and heard it all!!  Oh my goodness, can you imagine?!  In addition he has been married a lot longer than I have and has 7 children.  His life and experience, and therefore his perspective, will be different from mine.  He seems to have a more practical view and approach to dating and marriage advice than I do.

In a way, Anthony is like a heart doctor.  Every day he sees us out-of-shape patients (really, no one is perfect) who cannot figure out the reason behind our condition.  He may be tempted to say to all of us, “If you would just eat right, exercise and take your fish oil, you would be healthier!”   

While I agree that a healthy regimen is critical, I also think that, if we follow the heart condition analogy, “genetics” play a bigger role than Anthony lets on.  In other words, you can do all the right things and still die of a heart attack.  In the same way, you can do all the right things and be the right kind of person and still be single.  I am sure that Anthony knows this.

Anthony’s book emphasizes the practical side of being a healthy potential mate and for the most part, I agree with him.  However, we differ in at least two areas:

1.       Whether God arranges marriage, and

2.       If God has a specific person in mind for us when it comes to marriage 

Our Different Opinions

I believe that God arranges marriages and has a specific person in mind for us.  My opinion is based on scripture as well as my own experience.  Anthony’s perspective is different and equally supportable.  In one of his online articles, he states:

“...the fact is God is helping us come into contact with good prospects, but he does not have just one person set aside for us. We do the choosing, God does the blessing of the choice.”

Please know that as you read this review, the Catholic Church does not have an official doctrine that supports either opinion.  Rightly so, the Church understands that God is a mystery and figuring out His will is not an exact science.

Where We Agree

Both Anthony and I would agree that being your best self is spiritually and mentally good for you.  Being your best self spiritually should mean keeping yourself in tip-top spiritual condition with good habits.  It also means eliminating habits that negatively affect more than just your love life.  

Now that I have presented this introduction, I will provide the details of my book review in Part 2.  Stay tuned!

God love and bless you!

Anthony’s book is available on Amazon in soft cover or through Kindle.

** Next week:  Mythbuster #4:  Men/Women Are Defective

** Two Weeks:  Book Review:  Would You Date You?  Part 2

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Thank you!