“…When I was young, I tried things the world’s way. It was a total disaster….” 

Wow, this guest post is chock full of wisdom!  Like me, this woman is able to look back upon her life and see the path in which the Lord has led her.  Some footsteps on the path have been lamentable yet, due to the grace of God, these steps did not lead her down the path of destruction.

“…Holy Mother Church and Her beautiful sacraments provided me with tremendous healing…” 

There is significant benefit in avoiding these missteps and by no means is she saying that healing from them has been easy.  Spousal abandonment is extremely painful. Instead, her goal in sharing this with you is to encourage you in the virtue of Chastity now instead of learning it the hard way.  And, to not be afraid to turn toward the Lord for strength and healing at any point along the path.

“…Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name: you are Mine….”  Isaiah 43:1

In my conversations with her, I feel that she has also witnessed both Superabundance and a lack of Superabundance in marriages.  The Superabundance, from her perspective, is a direct result of the virtue of Chastity in marriage.  And, the lack of Superabundance unfortunately abounds in marriages where the virtue of Chastity is not present.  

Check out the Blessed are the pure of heart paragraph where she provides a list of the beautiful fruits of Chastity.

Thank you, dear Guest Poster, for sharing your heart and your wisdom!

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In Him we move, in Him we live, in Him we have our being:  I have learned, the hard way, that chastity fills our lives with a great deal of freedom~ mentally, physically and spiritually.  I am a divorced single mom who made the decision not to have a relationship with another when my marriage ended. Well meaning loved ones attempted to introduce me to prospective suitors. However, when my husband abandoned me, I felt very strongly that my job was to raise my children and continue to work as hard as I could in the spiritual realm to fight for my former husband’s soul. I had the distinct impression that for the rest of my life, Jesus wanted me all to Himself. As time went on, I could see that there was tremendous freedom in this. I continued to fight the battle for the integrity of my family. By the world’s standards, I lost. My former husband “moved on”. At first, I was crushed. Holy Mother Church and Her beautiful sacraments provided me with tremendous healing. I must say that I am glad that there are no “divorced/single support groups” in our parish. Another relationship would not have been what I needed. When I was young, I tried things the world’s way. It was a total disaster. Contemplating the way in which Jesus lived and died, I am daily learning about forgiveness and repentance. This will take the rest of my life. Through this process, my heart has endless room to receive blessings and graces from Jesus and his Mother.  Certainly, there are frightening, lonely moments, but God always blesses us with events that are unmistakably miraculous. There is an abundance of solitude yet very little loneliness in my life. 

To Jesus through Mary: If measured by the world’s yardstick, I am a complete failure. I have no career outside of my home. Materially, our life is very simple. Our Lord has, through miraculous home based work, allowed me to continue to be a homemaker for my children. Caring for them and praying for their father keep me quite busy. Inspired by the woman who fed the prophet Elijah with her last meal, I chose emotional fidelity to our Blessed Lord. Additionally, Our Lady always keeps her promises to families who practice devotion to her through the Rosary.  We experience a peace in our lives that defies human understanding. Trying our best to imitate Mary makes Jesus the center of our lives. 

Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God: Purity of heart extends far beyond refraining from extramarital intimate relations. There are so many benefits from modesty in dress, conversation, and choice of reading, music and movies. These benefits are daily gifts from God. Our Heavenly Father blesses us with a distinct awareness of His spiritual and emotional protection, peace of mind, healthy self-esteem, inner joy, tranquility during trials, enhanced enjoyment of the beauty of His creation, energy to serve others with charity, increasing willingness to follow the Holy Spirit (this will also take a lifetime!), and a constant awareness of the loving presence of Jesus, Mary and the entire Celestial Court. 

I am so grateful for the gifts that God blesses us with when we choose chastity as a way of life. The world could never give what Our Lord gives to those who love and serve Him!

“Yet in the absence of light, everything becomes confused; it is impossible to tell good from evil, or the road to our destination from other roads which take us in endless circles, going nowhere.”

Lumen Fidei (The Light of Faith)

The new Encyclical, Lumen Fidei, is so timely for me as I struggle with how to answer the question of God’s will when it comes to marriage. Last week, I introduced this series of posts with the idea that there is no formula for getting what we want from God.  God is a mystery and His ways are not our ways. God is infinitely good and we, His creatures, are limited in our understanding.

I ended that post with some very philosophical questions. Based on your comments and emails, it seems that many of us struggle to understand what our role is versus what God’s role is when it comes to our vocation.  Is He intimately involved in every detail and does He lead us to our destiny…… or does He have more of a ‘hands off’ approach?  Can we significantly alter our destination with our choices?

Today I will share with you some stories which reveal that I also struggled to understand my role.  My goal in sharing these stories is to give you peace of mind about your future vocation. Yes, you can negatively and positively affect your vocation with your free will.  But thankfully, your role and God’s role in your future vocation are intrinsically and mysteriously connected.

Keep in mind that I am writing this as a lay person.  I do not have anything close to a philosophy or theology degree.  I write from life experience.  I write about marriage as someone who can turn around and see the path I took to get here.  I also know the path that Gregg took to get here.  We have this vantage point and it is from this vantage point that I write.

Coincidence?

I think it is interesting that, although we lived on opposite coasts, Gregg and I were almost in the same city eight years before actually meeting in person in 2002.  In January 1994, Gregg was living in Los Angeles and I was supposed to be in Los Angeles for a business trip.  However, I was in a terrible ski accident in Reno, NV the day before and had to be flown home to Virginia to recover.

The only reason we know this is because the Northridge earthquake happened on January 17, 1994 and we both clearly remember where we were on that day.  Gregg was in the middle of the earthquake and I had just missed it.

I could go in endless circles trying to imagine if we had somehow met 8 years earlier in Los Angeles.  Would we have fallen in love?  Would we have married? How many babies would we now have?  And so on. But, can I really believe that God’s will was for me to get into a ski accident in order to prevent me from going to Los Angeles and meeting Gregg?  Not really. Was it all just a coincidence?  No.

You see, the light of faith keeps me from going there.  I am just a creature and my Creator is the only One who knows the answer of how? and why? and when?

Both/And

Catholicism has a both/and approach to explaining God’s movement in the world.  God’s hand is in all things and He allows for our gift of free will.

Do I believe in Calvinistic predestination?  No.  Do I believe in the gift of free will?  Absolutely.  Do I believe that God’s hand is in all things?  Yes.  Do I understand how He works?  Not at all.

But, I can see His promptings in my life and so can Gregg.  These promptings led us to each other at an exact moment in time.  Not one minute earlier.

What Is Your Will Lord?

If you are single, you are where I was 10 years and 9 months ago.  As a single girl, my future vocation was veiled from me.  But I will tell you a funny story to show you that I tried to wrestle God into telling me His will.

In 1997, five years before marrying Gregg, I was in a pickle.  You see, my job was transferring about two hours away from Virginia to Maryland.  I was fresh from a serious break up and I had the choice of remaining in VA and getting a new job or following my  current job to Maryland.

What did I do?  I pleaded with the Lord to guide me. I didn’t care about my job.  I wanted my decision to be based on where my husband lived.    “Lord, is my husband in Virginia?  If so, I will stay.  Lord, is he in Maryland?  If so, I will go.  Just tell me already!”  Silence.

“I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?” –C.S. Lewis

So, I lived in both states for five years in the hopes of being in the right place at the right time. I kept my residence in Virginia but then stayed in Maryland during the work week. I dated guys from both Maryland and Virginia.  It was a crazy and fun but faith-stretching time.

And guess what?  Gregg was neither in Virginia nor Maryland.  And, he was no longer in Los Angeles.  He was in Kansas!

In the end, my job decision had no bearing on my future vocation. But, I could only know this after the fact.

Invisibly Present

I hope the anecdotes I shared above help you to stay out of that endless circle of darkness. Your future and your vocation are in God’s hands.  Trust Him to reveal it to you at the right moment.  Bathe yourself in the Light of Faith.

The following quotes are from The Joy of Full Surrender by Jean-Pierre de Caussade.  I highly recommend this book to keep you bathed in the light of faith.

“All Creatures are in the living hands of God….faith sees God’s hands in all things. The physical creation is a veiled concealing of the profound mysteries of the divine work.

There is not a moment in which God is not present with us under the cover of some pain to be endured, some obligation or some duty to be performed, or some consolation to be enjoyed.  All that takes place within us, around us, or through us involves and conceals His divine hand.

His hand is really and truly there, but it is invisibly present, so that we are always surprised and do not recognize His operation until it has ceased.  If we could lift the veil, and if we were attentive and watchful, God would continually reveal Himself to us, and we should see His hand in everything that happens to us, and rejoice in it.

At every moment, we should proclaim, “It is the Lord!” and we should accept every fresh circumstance as gift from God.

Faith is God’s interpreter.  Without the light of faith, creation speaks to us in vain.” 

Hope and Chastity

Now that we have touched on faith, next week I will write about hope and chastity.  We are not left to our own devices and yes, Chastity does make a difference in staying on ‘the road to our destination.’

God love you and bless you!

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I stumbled upon a blog today which left me wondering if my blog is misleading you girls.  This other blog is owned by a single girl who (I think) is in her mid-30’s.  She writes a lot about her singleness and is very honest about the painful things that others say to her about her current state in life.

Her posts took me back to my life as a single girl.  Going to weddings alone.  Returning home after disappointing dates.  As I was reading her posts, I was able to feel in my heart some of those same feelings she was describing.

She wrote a post about the unhelpful things that married people say to single people.  She shared that one thing that is not helpful is when married people present life as if there is a formula for getting what you want from God.  These married people imply that “When you do A, B will happen.”  For example, they say, “When you let go of your desire for marriage, God will bless you with a husband.”  This statement is just as hurtful as saying, “As soon as you relax, you will get pregnant.” 

Mystery

Both of those philosophies are, in my opinion, crazy. They imply that there is a formula for getting what we want from God.  One of the many things I love about Catholicism is that it does not put God in a creature-limited box.  It honors and allows for the mystery of God and of His will.

“When God speaks it is a mystery and therefore a death-blow to my senses and my reason, for it is the nature of mysteries to confound both.  Mystery makes the soul live by faith; everything else sees it as nothing but a contradiction.  The darker the mystery, the more light it contains.  The life of faith is a continual struggle against the senses.” 

The Joy of Full Surrender  by Jean-Pierre de Caussade

As a young person, however, I did not like or accept this aspect of my Catholic faith.  I was frustrated by the fact that my Catholic Faith was ‘unable’ to an answer my difficult questions about God.  For example, why do bad things happen to good people? Why are some people abundantly blessed while others suffer tremendously?  Oh, and where is my husband?

The Catholic explanation of life seemed to boil down to “God is a mystery.  Suffering is a mystery but it is part of God’s loving plan and it leads to our sanctification and holiness.” 

Is That All You’ve Got?

I was not able to accept this. I thought it was so lame! My reaction: You people are in charge of understanding God and this is all you’ve got???

So, I went looking for a brand of Christianity that would give me an answer.  I wanted a formula so that I could follow it and get what I wanted.  There had to be a formula!

Name It And Claim It

I left my Catholic faith in search of a church with a formula.  I was enamored by the ‘name it and claim it’ form of Christianity.  I scoffed at Catholicism and wondered if they ever heard of these scripture verses which give us the formula for getting what we want from God:

John 14:13-14 And whatever you shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  If you shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

1 John 5:14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Matthew 7:8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 18:19  Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.

Matthew 21:22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 15:7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Isaiah 34:16 Search the book of the Lord, and see what he will do.  Not one of these birds and animals will be missing, and none will lack a mate, for the Lord has promised this. His Spirit will make it all come true.

Who Is To Blame?

These scripture verses were like tokens for my desired-filled vending machine of life. Upon discovering them, I was mad that no one had ever showed them to me before!

But when I inserted the tokens, I did not get what I wanted.  Instead, this is what resulted:  The belief that I was not asking correctly and I was not seeking in the right way.  I was not delighted enough in the Lord.  The desires of my heart were wrong.  My prayer life was off.  I did not believe enough.  I blamed myself.  Then, I blamed God.

The ‘name it and claim it’ formula touted by some brands of Christianity was not adding up. For example, those that thumbed their nose at the Lord were getting married and having babies.  They took no delight in the Lord yet He seemed to give them the desires of their hearts. Chaste women were remaining single for life despite their prayers. Faith-filled people who, in prayer, begged for healing, were dying of cancer.  Where is the formula, God? How do I receive what I have asked for in prayer?

I returned to my Catholic Faith.  The one with Jesus on the cross.  The one that admits that God is not easy to understand and that suffering is salvific. The faith that boasts no formula but instead proclaims that God is infinitely good and we, His creatures, are limited in our understanding.

“…God is infinitely good and all his works are good. Yet no one can escape the experience of suffering or the evils in nature which seem to be linked to the limitations proper to creatures…”

Catechism of the Catholic Church #385

God is a mystery.   There is no formula.

So, given that background, is the concept of The Veil a formula?  If you remain chaste, will you receive a husband?  Is God really in control of all things?  What about your free will?  What about your potential future husband’s free will? I will address these tough questions over the next couple of weeks!

God love and bless you!

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Many thanks to the Guest Author for this beautiful and powerful testimony!

I’m 18 years old, a rising sophomore in college, and a few weeks ago, I threw out many of my dresses, most of my shorts, and all but one swim suit.

Wait, what?

I am fairly recent “re-vert” to Catholicism, and I went to confession (for the first time in 10 years) and started attending mass again about six months ago. Since then, I have been on fire about my faith (About as on fire as anyone who just realized life is infinitely more special than they ever knew!) I read anything I can get my hands on, attend daily mass, attend adoration at least weekly, confession every two weeks…I’m all in, for the most part.

But there was something I kept skipping over as I learned more about my faith.

Modesty.

Modesty, especially modesty of dress, is a touchy subject for girls today. We have been taught that clothing is about expression, that our bodies should be bared while we are still young and beautiful, that we have no responsibility for men’s eyes that wander. I bought into these explanations.

Since I was very young, my family has put my self-worth and importance on how I look. It had something to do with the fact nearly all of my extended family is overweight, and I have never struggled with my own weight. I spent my life receiving compliments such as “you are so thin!”, and “what a beautiful girl,” from well-meaning relatives.

My mother has struggled with her weight and appearance her entire life, even though to me her heart makes her the most beautiful woman in the world. But, I believe she encouraged my way of dress because she never got to dress that way herself. I wore bikinis, short skirts, half-shirts, you name it from age 10 or possibly younger. At one time I owned over 30 swimsuits, and only one was anything close to modest. I could wear anything I wanted, and frequently got in trouble at school for broken dress codes.

“Respecting myself”  came to mean showing off what I was given to me. My mother thought it was good. It made sense. It was natural. After all, God created us naked, right? And that is just how I lived my life.

They say if you find yourself justifying an action again and again, it is probably sin. And that is certainly the story of my journey to modesty. As I came back to the Church, I began to feel a discomfort about my clothing choices. But I was stubborn. Extremely stubborn.

But God knows our hearts, and he knew mine. He knew exactly how much of a push I needed, and he gave me what I needed to change.

                First, he introduced me to nuns. I had never met a nun. I thought they would be sad, strict, unhappy women who would pass judgment on me. Instead, they were some of the happiest people I’d ever met. By chance, I got into a conversation with one sister about what her habit meant to her, since some nuns are abandoning the practice of wearing a habit at all. She explained,

“My habit does a ministry that I cannot. If someone looks at me across the street, they see me and think of God, even if we never exchange a word.”

Huh, I thought. Well that must only work for nuns! And I ignored, again, the pull on my heart to something greater.

                So  God nudged me again. During a confession, a priest asked me to mediate on this question: If you really loved the Lord with your whole heart and your whole life, what would that look like? And although he hadn’t been asking about the way I dressed, it came to mind first in my meditation. Hmm…I would probably choose to dress in a way that made my mysterious and beautiful self…well, a mystery! But I was again, able to justify my actions to myself. It seemed stupid to change something so “minor” when there are so many greater evils in the world.

                God then started offering me little nudges. My spiritual reading mentioned modesty in passing. I heard someone speak on the origin of the bikini. I spoke to a young man in seminary about how difficult it was to have immodestly dressed women all over ads and the streets. I saw a study from Princeton University that showed that when young men looked at photos of scantily clad women, the part of their brains associated with tool use were used, almost exclusively. Tool use!

It was swimming in a bikini in a friends pool when it suddenly hit me. No, I didn’t suddenly feel self-conscious. No, I didn’t see a vision or hear a voice. All of the sudden it just hit me. What I was doing was wrong.

Why shouldn’t people see God when they look at single girls? Why shouldn’t they see God when they look at me? Why shouldn’t I glorify the Lord in everything  I do, even clothing choices? Why am I not worth keeping a mystery? Why do I feel this is what I have to offer the world? Why won’t I recognize that I am above a tool? I am wondrously made, and my wardrobe needed a makeover that helped me show it.

                After the realization came the questions. Should I start immediately? Will people think I’m faking it, or being dramatic? How will I explain this to my mom?  And, as I feel I am called to marriage, how will I attract my husband?

Changing My Ways

                When I finally made my choice, I ended up sharing it with my mother first. And because she is my mother and she loves me, she made sure I was sound in my decisions by presenting some common anti-modesty arguments.

                1. Don’t let anyone make you too modest. People are overly prudish about things. Sometimes values are changed because of pressure from Christians with puritanical values. Can anyone “make you modest”? Although someone may require you to dress modestly, modesty is a personal choice. It involves more than just clothes, and it is not something that can be forced, only instilled or realized. And since when are shorts that come closer to the knee or one-piece swimsuits or jackets worn over strapless dresses and shirts puritanical instead of just a bit more covered up?

                2. You said you have been dressing differently, and for most people your age the way dress represents your autonomy/uniqueness. I have always admired your style. Yes. My new clothing that covers my body does represent me, although that me might be better than before! It says, “Hello! I am beautiful on the inside, so beautiful that I don’t have to show the whole outside to just anyone! I have more to offer!”

                3. The way things look is not as important as how they are and feeling valued and worthwhile for the uniquely beautiful person God created you to be. I agree with so much of this argument. The way things look is not as important as they are! I could say it right back! The only problem is that your clothing is not just a “look.” it is an “are”, or an action that you take every single day. Every morning I dress myself, and now I choose clothing that respects me and others. That is how things are. And ironically, nothing helps me feel more ‘valued’ than the realization that I am more than a body!

                4. I am just asking you to reflect on how your dress might be perceived by those around in all situations. People you might be led to reach to may not be able to relate to someone they perceive as “dressing like a nun.”  By this logic, you should dress like a prostitute to do ministry to prostitutes. Why would you dress like the world, when you have something so much more to offer them?  Something mysterious, something worth covering up.  

                5. You are great the way you are! We love you how you are.  This part of the argument hurts. It says “We love you how you are! …as long as how you are never changes and is rooted in how you look.” But why would you want to stay ‘how you are’ when there are bigger and better things in store for you?

                I have faith my mother will see the value in my decision in time, as long as I can show her by my life. Taking action to speak how I felt about these arguments was not comfortable or easy. But I wasn’t created for comfort. I was created for greatness.

The Fruits of Modesty

                I also had a big hang-up on modesty because I feel I am called to marriage. I’m sure others can understand this. How will you attract a man if you aren’t dressing a certain way? How can you possibly get a boyfriend?

                Well, the first realization is that God created your future husband to desire a modest wife. That means he won’t have to look around your modesty to see you are the woman for him, he will love and admire you for it. If that is too far away from home to really hit you, try this: do you want to marry a man who chooses who to date based on their exposed skin? Or would you rather have a man that knows and loves who you are in your heart?

                Even in the times where I thought I didn’t deserve the church-going, non-drinking, respectful, hilarious, and handsome man of my dreams, I prayed for him. And God is faithful. His plan for us is infinitely higher than our own. But in order to receive what we ask him for, we must create room for it in our own lives. And the way to create room for a faithful Catholic husband in your future is to start dressing like his future wife now! In fact, in a study on modesty by The Rebelution, 95.4% of men surveyed agreed that modesty was an important quality for their future wife.

                The reality is, the church-going Catholic man isn’t looking at the women in miniskirts for his future wife.  He can already see what they are offering, and it isn’t what his heart desires! But a girl who is modest catches his attention. He sees that there is more to find out, and that is refreshing in today’s “show me” society.

It’s Not My Problem!

                This is perhaps the most troubling of the arguments and rationalizations behind the issue of modesty in dress. Guys should take control of their own eyes, and it just isn’t our problem as women.

                Yes, it is your problem. The “guys” you are talking about so generally are your brothers, your uncles, your fathers, your close friends, and your future spouse. Even the guys that aren’t any of those things are still your brothers in Christ, and you have a call to love them as you love yourself.

Love is an action. Love is an act of sacrifice. Modesty is an active way to say to your brothers in Christ “Hey! This is difficult for me. Something it involves spending a little more money, searching a little longer for clothes, dealing with the reactions of others, and separating myself from what media and culture is telling me to wear. I am making a sacrifice for you, because I love you and care about you, and I want you to get to heaven!”

Final Word

Modesty was not easy for me. It wasn’t something I grew up with, or something I was taught in my religious education. It was something God helped me discover when I sought out the truth. I know it is a difficult attachment, one that is ingrained in society. The world tells us modesty is outdated, unnecessary, and holding us back. But, as Jesus tells us, we are not of this world because He has chosen us out of it.

As promise, this week I am sharing my insights and experience with On-line dating.  Gregg and I met on-line 12 years ago when on-line dating was just getting started.  I seriously never expected to meet my husband on-line.  And, I was embarrassed to even admit I was participating in on-line dating!

Men Were Not Scarce

After college, I lived in a very metropolitan area where there were plenty of single men.  In fact, I was surrounded by single men both socially and at work.  I also had a very active social life with a Catholic community comprised of both married and single Catholics.  I knew a lot of people! So, statistically, I should have found my husband in this environment. I dated a lot and had 3 relationships that I would put in the ‘on-the-cusp-of-being-engaged-serious’ category. But, alas I remained single.

Why Online Dating?

I signed up for on-line dating with a Catholic site at the encouragement of a girlfriend of mine.  She was a brave girl from New York and she gave me just the right push to get me to do it.  I had high hopes at first because  I had a fundamental belief that I had a lot to offer.  I jokingly describe my decision to participate in on-line dating as “opening myself up to the larger, National Market.”  My motto was “Let the best man win!”

But, then I went on dates with the on-line guys and my expectations were tempered.  After a while, I viewed it as just a ‘supplemental” way of meeting men.

It Only Takes One

One of the beliefs I had about on-line dating is that the men are seeking marriage (which appeared to be half the battle with the real-life men I was dating).  However, I found that although the on-line guys may have been seeking marriage, none of those relationships progressed towards marriage (not even remotely).  So, I became disillusioned about it.  Don’t get me wrong, the guys were contacting me and they were taking me on dates but they were not guys I was interested in.  Dating them felt mostly forced.

I got to the point where I was only logging into the site on Monday’s to answer the emails I received from these guys.  But then, one glorious Monday, I logged in and found an email from Gregg, my beloved.  The saying, “It only takes one.” is true.

A Desperate Move?

Is on-line dating a desperate move?  If it is, it is the best desperate move I ever made!  Did I feel desperate and creepy at the time?  Yes.  Do I care now?  Not a bit.  If I hadn’t done it, I have a strong feeling I would still be single.  And no man is better for me than Gregg.

I know you might think on-line dating is just for the ‘hopeless’ but may I make a suggestion for those of you who scoff at it?  Approach it as a supplemental way of meeting men.  Approach it as a way for God to work in your life without limiting Him to your local area.  Don’t put all your hopes and dreams in it, but just be open to it.

Suggestions for On-line Dating

Since my Response Formula won’t work in the cyber world, here are my suggestions for on-line dating:

Let him pick you:  I never shopped around or checked out the guys that were on the site.  I only responded to the ones that sought me out and sent me notes.  That way, I knew that they picked me.

Log in once a week:  I got to the point where I only checked my on-line inbox on Mondays.  This did frustrate the guys a little but it prevented us from getting into an email-only relationship.  It forced them to call me if they wanted to interact with me and ask me out.  I think it also showed that I had a life outside of on-line dating.

I followed this practice with Gregg too which is why we got off to a slow start. But, it did not discourage him! I only learned later that he was checking his inbox for my reply while I was going about my life.  I had no idea that he was going to be ‘the one’!  So, I treated him just like every other guy…..until he set himself apart with his wonderfulness. 🙂

None of their beeswax:  Other than my friend from New York, I did not tell anyone I was participating in on-line dating.  I even fibbed to my Mom about how I met Gregg and only told my parents the truth because I was flying to Kansas to visit him.   Yeah, I was weirded-out about it a little.

Therefore, if you feel desperate and creepy and hopeless for trying on-line dating, just don’t tell anyone.  Just remember the safety rules for the first 3 dates (meet in a public place, drive yourself, keep your spidy scenses on).

Treat it as supplemental:  Treat is as a way to increase your ability to meet men.  Don’t put all your eggs in the real-life or on-line basket.  Be open to the movement of the Holy Spirit!

Don’t be too electronically chatty:  In other words, be flirty and sweet but keep it breezy.  You do not want him to carry on an electronic-only relationship with you.  If he keeps it at that lame-o level, you can email him back after a couple of exchanges and say, “Email is not my preference.  Would you like to call me?”

Don’t become his buddy:  The guy should move things to the dating phase rather than taking the phone/email buddy approach.  He should want to look into your eyes, see your smile and smell you by taking you on dates! 🙂

Long-Distance situations:  This can be tricky but obviously not impossible.  A guy may feel skittish about initiating a visit.  Seriously, the women’s lib thing has screwed up chivalry.  He may not want to scare off a perfectly nice girl by suggesting a visit. 

True Story:  Gregg and I lived a long-distance from each other.  Once our interactions moved to talking on the phone and I could tell that he was a nice guy (oh, and I loved his voice!), I wanted us to meet in person.  So, after about a month I sweetly said, “When are you going to visit me?” 

My point in sharing this is that you don’t need to be coy.  You can state what you want in the relationship.  Guys cannot read your mind and they don’t have the visual cues they would have in person.  If you say to him, “Would you like to call me?” or “When are you going to visit me?” and he does not want to, so be it.

Gregg wanted to visit me and he was very happy I put that opportunity out there!  With the right guy, it works.  With the wrong guy, it won’t work.  It will leave you feeling needy and stupid. But, it is still better than a stalled courtship stuck at the email or phone phase.

Questions?

If you are doing the on-line thing and you have specific questions for me, feel free to email me or (if you feel brave) state your question in the combox.

Next week

The topic:  There Is No Formula!     An Amazing and Beautiful Guest Post. This is BIG! 

God love and bless you!

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Unfortunately, some guys apply the ‘practice makes perfect’ principle as a way of honing their skills at asking out and pursuing girls.  This post will not help you determine the difference, upon that first encounter, between a guy who is practicing and a guy who is your beloved.  Only his follow-up actions, pursuit and time will reveal his true intentions.  But, I will demonstrate how easy it is to respond to a guy who does flirt with you, no matter what his intentions may be.

Two weeks ago I shared with you my Response Formula:  stand still, smile at him, look him in the eye and allow him to generate a good solid conversation.  Then, and this is the hardest yet most important step, go about your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.  Last week, I explained what I mean by self-containment.

Today I will go over some of the more frustrating types of initiation used by men and show how the Response Formula is sufficient for each of these scenarios.

Mr. Fisher Man

This guy is ‘just fishing’ in order to see your response to his flirtation.  He has no intention of following up. His goal is to build up his ego so that when he meets his beloved, he will have his flirtation and initiation skills perfected. He might say, “Can I have your number?” or “Would it be okay if I called you?”

This scenario is not hard to deal with! Just smile, look him in the eye and talk to him.  Give him your number in response to the first question and say, “Yes, I would like that.” to the second question.  Then, go about your life.  If he follows up, than practice self-containment with this man until after 3 dates. Only time will tell if he is just fishing or if he is your beloved.

Mr. Hesitation Man

This guy is interested in you and wants to follow-up with you but he lacks the courage to do so.  So, he hesitates.  He might say, “………”.  Yep, that’s right…… he doesn’t say anything!

That is okay!  Smile and look him in the eyes. Then, go about your life.

A blog reader recently shared with me her story about Mr. Hesitation Man.  This guy seemed to look at her and purposefully sit in the pew behind her at Mass.  He seemed to buzz around her like a bee to the flower yet he has never said a word to her.

My advice to her was a slightly altered version of the Response Formula.  I encouraged her to smile at him and sweetly say, “Hi.” (after Mass, of course)

You see, there are guys who are genuinely shy and lack courage.  If they seem to be showing little signs of interest but fumble the ball at conversation, it would not cause a scandal for you to say, “Hi.”  If he says, “Hi.” but keeps moving away from you…..then go about your life.  No big deal.  But, if he takes the opportunity to talk to you, then smile, look him in the eye and allow him to converse with you.  If he is attracted to you and has been dreaming about asking you out, he will most likely have something ready to say to you.

As with all men, go about your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.  Note:  Do not be tempted to help him just because he is acting shy!

Mr. Sometime Man

This guy is the most common type.  He extends vague invitations for dates.  He says things like, “Would you like to go out sometime?”  or “We should go out sometime.”

These vague statements are not invitations but are sometimes just fishing expeditions for practice.  But, sometimes they are sincere (although weak) attempts at initiation.  That is okay!  Just smile, look him in the eye and say, “I would like that. When did you have in mind?”  Then, go about your life. Be sure to practice extra self-containment with this man until after 3 dates.

Mr. Group Man

This guy likes to keep all invitations at the group level.  He says things like, “Would anyone like to go out for lunch after Mass?” or “Would you like to go out to lunch with us (the group)?”

Your response?  Smile, look him in the eye and say, “I would like that, thank you.”  Note that these group invitations do not count as dates.  Feel free to go on the group dates but don’t forget that you must practice self-containment until after 3 (actual, one-on-one) dates.

ABG

Notice how all the responses I recommend are gracious?  An important part of the Response Formula is Always Be Gracious (ABG).

It is easy to buy into the old adage that a girl needs to play hard-to-get with all men.  I don’t prescribe to that notion.  I think we women benefit more when we are gracious towards all guys and practice emotional chastity.

Emotional Chastity

Emotional Chastity begins with the belief that you can trust God and that He has a plan for your life and for your vocation. Knowing that God is in control greatly enhances your ability to remain contained about these new guys until after 3 dates.  Keep in mind that you will not know if a guy is just practicing on you or if he is your beloved.  But God knows.

Therefore, you do not need to manipulate the situation or act coy.  You do not need to play hard-to-get.  You do not need to help men.  You do not need a crystal ball.  Just stop, smile, look him in the eye and be gracious in your response.  Go on about your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.  Once he has decided on you, then you can consider him.

It Is Difficult

Although the Response Formula sounds easy, it is very difficult to put into practice.  The hardest part is where you have to go on with your life and practice self-containment until after 3 dates.

You might be wondering what kind of life you will have if you apply the Response Formula with men.  Who will you think and dream about?  What will you talk to your girlfriends about?  How will you prove to the world that you are desirable unless you report these little blossoming encounters?  You might be thinking to yourself that this practice will eliminate a lot of men from becoming fantasy relationships.  Well, that is exactly the goal.

The Veil

Keep in mind the idea that you are covered by a veil and that only the man who God intends for you to marry will be able to see you.  All other guys may try to practice on you.  But, if you stay in God’s will, He will protect you from falling too deeply into this tricky practice web.  You will avoid wasting time and your emotions on the wrong men.  God will infuse supernatural Grace into your man and this will give him the courage to pursue you.

Coming Up

Since many of you are participating in on-line dating, next week I will give you some advice about Mr. On-line Man!  I also have several book reviews coming up which I can’t wait to share with you!

God love and bless you!

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After finishing my post for this week, I realized that I needed to first explain what I meant last week when I advised you to practice “self-containment.”

Last week, I shared with you my Response Formula which included my advice on how to respond to a guy who flirts with you.  Steps 1-4 are easy:

1.  stop   2. smile   3.  look him in the eyes  4.  converse with him

Steps 5 and 6 are much more difficult:

5.  Go about your life  6.  practice self-containment until after 3 dates

Several of you wrote to me asking for specifics on this practice.  What is it?  What does it look like?

What Is It?

In general, self-containment is one of the ‘fruits’ of Emotional Chastity.  And, like all of the spiritual fruits, we obtain them through our good habits.  Since the Catechism does not provide a formal definition of Emotional Chastity, let’s look at what is says about the virtue of Chastity so we can see the connection.

Here is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about Chastity

• 2338  The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. This integrity ensures the unity of the person; it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it. It tolerates neither a double life nor duplicity in speech.
• 2339 Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. Man’s dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end.

Emotional Chastity is an apprenticeship in self-mastery.  Being self-contained means having mastery over your passions and your speech and not allowing your emotions to dominate you.  It means keeping yourself intact (unity of the persons) and having integrity in all you say and do.  It means avoiding duplicity in your speech and presenting your life in a way that is truthful.

What Does It Look Like?

It might be easier if we look at the opposite of self-containment first.  We have all witnessed it.  A girl meets a guy.  He flirts with her.  He asks for her number.  She talks about him non-stop.  This lack of self-containment is very, very common.  Her behavior betrays her.   Her feelings and emotions are dominating her.  This guy has not earned his way into such a prominent position, yet he is being exalted by her.  What does that say about her standards and judgment?

A Challenge

Now, it is perfectly fine to be excited about a potential suitor!  I am not saying that you need to be a total dud.  But, I am going to give you a challenge:

The next time a guy flirts with you, don’t say anything to anyone until this guy has taken you on 3 dates.

You might be thinking that you at least need to tell your roommates for safety reasons.  Shouldn’t they know with whom you are spending your time?  This is where some dating guidelines would be helpful.

Dating Guidelines

1.  The first 3 dates must be in a public location.

2.  Tell him that you will meet him (drive yourself) at the public location.

3.  If you feel the slightest bit of concern about your safety, leave the location and stop dating him.

You should have a good idea of the guy’s character after 3 dates.  Has he been calling you in between the dates?  Does he display good manners?  Does he pay for the dates?

Don’t worry about what he will think of your desire to meet in a public location at first.  These days, a guy will not question the fact that you want this.  He will see you as being wise.  You have a policy and you follow it.  You have principles.

If you need to talk about this new man, present your case to the Blessed Virgin Mary, our Mother.  Comfort will follow.

Next Week

Now that I have explained step 6, next week I will share with you how the Response Formula can be applied to any situation.

God love and bless you!

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“Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely…..Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.”  Song of Songs 4

I have to laugh at myself as I write this post about smiling.  It seems so corny and I, of all people, should proceed with caution when encouraging others to smile.  Why?  Because when I was single, complete male strangers would occasionally say to me, “Smile, it’s not that bad!”

My response was always a squinty-eyed version of “Leave me alone.”  It used to get on my nerves and every guy who said it seemed to be a Creeper.  You see, I was often lost in deep thought and it resulted in me having, not so much of a frown, but a pensive look on my face. So, I guess these guys would feel compelled to ‘cheer me up.’ It didn’t work.

Looking back though, I realize that they were just trying to get my attention and flirt with me.  They were harmless.

Has this ever happened to you?  Did it get on your nerves?  If so, don’t worry.  I am not going to tell you to “Smile at the world.”  But, I will hopefully convince you that your smile is all you need when flirting with men.

Your Job Is To Respond

Last week I shared with you that it is the man’s job to initiate, follow-up and pursue you.  Your job is only to respond.

But how do you respond upon that first encounter?  Can your response be too eager or can you appear indifferent? Are men not following up with you because your response is not balanced?  I don’t know.  But, I do know how easy it is to believe that you should have done this and you should have done that.

The goal of striking the perfect balance in your response to men is more about your peace of mind.  It is about not kicking yourself and blaming yourself when the guy doesn’t follow-up.  It’s about not worrying that your response was too standoffish or too desperate.

The Various Mr.’s

Over the next couple of weeks, I will address several scenarios and how to respond to each.  The scenarios will include Mr. Fisherman, Mr. Hesitationman, Mr. Sometimeman, Mr. Groupman, Mr. Onlineman and Mr. Flirtman.  As you will see I recommend virtually the same method of responding to each of these initiation types.  Let’s start with Mr. Flirtman!

Mr. Flirtman

Scenario:  You are at Home Depot looking for a solution to problem you are having in your home.  Perfect!  Mr. Flirtman strikes up a conversation and is flirting with you.  Since it is Saturday, you may or may not be looking your best.  What do you do?

The Response Formula

1.  Stand Still:  It sounds obvious but you do not want to be a moving target.  Just stay in one place.  Don’t fidget.

Note:  Practice makes perfect.  Feel free to practice this in the mirror.  What does your body language communicate?  Are your arms folded or are they relaxed and by your side?  Are your hands on your hips or are they in a more natural position?  Keep in mind, you are not on a ball field.  Stand up straight.

2.  Smile At Him:  This is very important.  It invites him to continue the conversation.  This is your welcoming strategy that says to a guy “I am friendly and I welcome your initiation.  I will not shoot down your noble effort to talk to me.”

Note:  I remember feeling like I wanted to decide if I liked the guy first before I would smile at him. Again, I was afraid of the Creepers. This was silly thinking on my part.

Note:   If you smile at him and he turns out to be a Creeper, then just move on.  If you don’t smile at him and he turns out to be a nice guy, then you may blame yourself when he doesn’t continue the conversation or follow-up with a date.  Remember, the idea here is for you to have peace of mind and to be free of regrets about your response.  So smile at him.

Note:  It does not matter if you do not look your best.  Your smile is all that is needed, especially if he is your beloved.

Note:  Gregg reminded me today that it was my mouth that drew him to me.  🙂

3.  Look Him In The Eyes:  This is a way to test his intentions and evaluate his sincerity.  A man who is attracted to you will look you in the eye.  Eye contact is the only allowable contact he has with you so he will try to ‘hold’ you in this manner.

Note:  Eye contact is also a great way to give him the affirmation he needs.  If he is your beloved, he will need your affirmation because meeting you should scare him a bit.  So, look him right in the eyes and smile.

Note:  If you are not comfortable doing this, begin to practice on the people in your life.  Practice looking your Mom, your Dad, your brother, your boss and your coworkers in the eyes.

4.  Engage In Conversation:  Patiently give the guy a chance to generate a decent conversation. Don’t cut the conversation short or try to be coy.  Just stand still, smile, look him in the eyes and let him continue the conversation.  If he starts to lose eye contact, ends the conversation or begins to move away from you, just smile pretty and say, “Nice to meet you.”  If, on the other hand, he asks for your name and number, smile and give it to him.

5.  Go About Your Life:  This is the hardest part. This is where you practice self-containment.  This means that you keep this encounter to yourself.  Don’t tell anyone even if he seems to be the most amazing guy ever.  You will have to stay contained until after 3 dates.

None Of This Is Magic

The above response formula is designed to give you peace.  It will not magically make you more wonderful and it may not result in more dates.  Now that you know the formula, you can apply it to virtually any situation with a man.

Next week, I will share my advice on how to respond to Mr. Fisherman, Mr. Hesitationman, Mr. Sometimeman and Mr. Groupman.   I will save Mr. Onlineman for last!

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!