My post from two weeks ago focused on Fantasy Relationships and how important Emotional Chastity is in preventing these unhealthy relationships.  I think it is very hard to experience the freedom of physical chastity unless we first strive for emotional chastity.

Like physical Chastity, Emotional Chastity is a life-long virtue. The goal of obtaining Emotional Chastity is not to catch a husband.  The goal is to become free of the emotions that lead to a disordered life.

Create Your Own Fiat

How do you free yourself from these disordered emotions?  The best way, to me, is to have complete trust in the goodness and the will of God.  You, like The Virgin Mary, can create your own little fiat, “”Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord, let it be done to me according to Thy word.”  You can trust Him with your future, your vocation and your needs.  This trust can be so profound that you can confidently live by these words of Sacred Scripture:

“I charge you Daughters of Israel do not awaken or stir up love until it pleases.”

Song of Songs 8:4

The goal is to  remain asleep in His will until it pleases the Lord to awaken you to His plan for your vocation.  This trust frees you from the temptation to “stir up” your emotions.  Trust in the Lord will keep you from placing your attention and affections on the wrong men.  Confidence in His will for your life will protect you from chasing men.

How do you obtain this trust in and obedience to the will of the Lord?  Over the next couple of weeks, I will be presenting some ideas.  Today, I will be focusing on a technique which helped me when I was single. As you will see, I still use this technique.

A Vision Of Yourself

Okay, so the goals of Emotional Chastity are:

• To be free of any emotion that leads to a disordered life
• To have an ordered life of virtue and healthy habits, attitudes, behaviors and emotions
• To trust in the will of the Lord and the goodness of the Lord
• To remain asleep until He pleases

One way to obtain these goals is to have a vision of yourself with the characteristics and virtues you want to incorporate into your life.  Have you ever tried this?  Some might think it sounds sort of new age-ish. But, what could be the harm? I am not advocating a self-deprecating attitude where you focus on everything that is wrong with you.  Nor am I encouraging you to fill your head with conceded notions about yourself.

Instead, I am advocating that you create a vision of your best self.  Your most free self.  Your most trusting self.  Your most virtuous self.  Your most emotionally balanced self.  Then, once you see this vision, you can start praying for and modeling the required virtues, behaviors, attitudes, habits and disposition.  Your healthy emotions will naturally follow.

An Example

Just today, the Lord put an opportunity in front of me.  I call it ‘opportunity’ but it would be better described as a challenge.  You see, this challenge is going to force me out of my comfort zone.  It is going to stretch me to my limits.  But, I had to say ‘Yes’ to the Lord.  Behold, I am His handmaid after all.

So, as I am freaking out in my head and trying not to hyperventilate about this ‘opportunity’, I started to picture myself with the virtues I am going to need in order to glorify the Lord through this opportunity.  Here is an example of the pep talk I gave to myself (as well as the challenges in parenthesis):

• I am an open person (not at all)
• I am a flexible person (ha ha ha ha ha ha)
• I am a person without shame (sigh, I am so not perfect)
• I am a generous person (um, not really)

Once I was able to name the needed virtues and create the vision, I knew how to pray for myself.  Also, trusting in the goodness and the will of God will give me confidence that He will help me in these specific areas.  I will be stretched, but I will be fine.  I may even be, dare I say, blessed.

What Is Your Vision?

When I was single, I practiced this visualization technique.  I would create the vision, name the virtue, pray and then trust.  You can do this too.  For example, your goal is to live a chaste life.  What does this look like for you?  Your goal is to be emotionally steady and trust in the Lord.  What does this look like for you?  Your goal is to be the kind of girl who knows her dignity and does not chase men.  What does this look like for you?

Can you see yourself with all these virtues?  What are your daily habits?  What does your posture look like and how do you carry yourself?  How do you respond to various situations?  How do you respond to men?  What do you need to start doing?  What do you need to stop doing?

What Do You Need?

The Lord wants you to be His handmaid.  He wants you to give Him your fiat. He knows all about your disordered emotions. He knows what is keeping you from trusting Him.  Therefore, He will provide what is required in order for you to glorify Him.  Lay this vision of your obedient, trusting self at His feet. Present your needs to Him.  Tell Him you want only to glorify Him.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:6-8

What Else?

Next week I will talk about The Veil and how the concept can help you achieve Emotional Chastity.

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

Last week’s post about Fantasy Relationships seems to have hit home for many of you!  There were a lot of page hits and email responses to this problem that affects so many women. 

I ended that post with a number of questions about why we as women are so vulnerable to Fantasy Relationships and why some men have such an incredible power over us.  And, I concluded with the notion that Emotional Chastity is something we must all strive for.

Next week, I will expand on the importance of Emotional Chastity (what is it? how do you practice and obtain it?).  We will talk about the importance of remaining asleep in the will of God until it pleases Him to awaken you and not “stirring” things up while you wait. (Song of Songs 8:4)

But before we can practice and obtain emotional chastity, I think it is necessary to understand the “Why?” behind our emotions and desires.  Why are we so vulnerable to fantasy relationships, why are we tempted to chase men and why do we pin our hopes on Mr. Wrong and Mr. Almost Right?  Why do we find it so hard to remain asleep until the Lord pleases?

Original Sin

I hear you scoffing at the old fashion notion of Original Sin but please hear me out.  Once I made the connection between The Fall of Mankind and my feelings, emotions, desires and weaknesses, it all began to make sense, especially these words of Sacred Scripture:

“Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you” Genesis 3:16

Your Desire Will Be For Your Husband

Seems like a simple little statement, right? And, it actually sounds like a good thing.  But, the statement is found in the chapter of Genesis following the sin of Adam and Eve. The statement describes the consequence of Original Sin for us women.  Remember, the sin of our first parents profoundly and negatively affected their relationship and this Original Sin continues to negatively affect our relationships with men and ourselves. 

So, what could the statement, “…Your desire shall be for your husband…” possibly mean? What is the consequence for us women? I think the consequence is that the process of waiting for our husbands will be marked by great desire and suffering.  Just like in the Song of Songs, it will be a gut-wrenching experience of waiting, hoping and longing for our beloved.  Something our first mother, Eve, did not experience before The Fall.  Nor did our Blessed Mother, Mary who was conceived without sin, experience it.  But, we do.

He Will Rule Over You

Now, how about the second part of the consequence, “…he will rule over you.”?  Who will rule over you?  I think the desire for our husband and the thought of being with him rules over us during the wait.  This contributes to Fantasy Relationships, temptations to chase men and take control of our future. We are in a state of longing and anticipation.  This condition of desire and longing can, if not controlled, rule over us, our emotions, our actions and our thought life. 

Theology of the Body

Have you read it?  Do you know what it is? As Pope, Blessed John Paul II dedicated his first major teaching project to sexuality and the dignity of the human person. He called the project Theology of the Body (TOB) and delivered it in 129 short talks in Rome during his Wednesday audiences between 1979 and 1984.  

Blessed Pope John Paul II had a brilliant mind and therefore much of TOB goes over my poor little head.  But, there are some things that just jump out at me such as this concept of The Fall impacting our relationship with ourselves and the opposite sex and that there is hope for overcoming the effects of Original Sin.  

Taste The Freedom 

Here are some of the words from Blessed Pope John Paul II’s TOB which jump out at me:

“…..Whoever allows these words to act in his heart will hear an “echo” of God’s original plan for sexuality. He will taste the freedom that he lost and long for its restoration. He will feel in the depths of his heart the tragedy of sin and cry out in repentance, and by the power of the Holy Spirit, Christ will save him….”

I am convinced that we hear this echo of God’s original plan and that we long for the restoration and taste of the freedom it gives.  And, that we feel this loss and longing in the depths of our hearts. 

The Heart: A Battlefield Between Love and Lust

During his Wednesday talk on July 23, 1980, Pope John Paul II addressed the heart and how it is a battlefield between love and lust.  Now, it is easy to think of lust being only an issue for men, right? But I wonder if this desire for our husbands while we wait, if left uncontrolled, can become a form of lust?  If we do not have our emotions and thought life in check, we are just as vulnerable as men to lust, although maybe in a different form.  Men may experience physical lust but we women can experience emotional lust.

What is lust?  It means “to use” and to treat a person like an object. The human person is a body and a soul.  The Nuptial meaning of the body is the gift of the whole person, both body and soul.  The human person, the gift, cannot be separated.  When we pin our emotions on a man who is not our beloved, we are experiencing lust because that person has not been given to us as a gift.  Therefore, we are, in a sense, using them.

You Are Not Crazy

Hopefully, this profound insight into your thoughts and emotions has encouraged you rather than discourage you!  You are not crazy.  This desire for your husband and this feeling that you are being yanked around like an emotional wind sock is normal.

But, I am not giving you a free pass to continue with your thoughts and emotions unchecked.  We are not supposed to be subject to our unruly passions.

You see, what I have described is the disordered part of our nature.  Chastity, both physical and emotional, is a call into order our emotions, habits and desires.  How do we do this?  Remember last week I gave you the 3 Date Rule?

“…Do not even consider a guy or allow him to occupy your heart or thoughts until he has taken you on 3 dates.  3 real dates where he pays and impresses you…”

Well, that is only the beginning.  There is so much more to Emotional Chastity and I will share with you my recommendations for obtaining it next week!  Hint:  It is about the freedom offered by Jesus Christ and the power of His grace! In the meantime, you remain in my prayers.

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

I really enjoy receiving your letters because when I see your name and read about your life it makes this whole blog thing come alive.  You sweet girls become real to me and I begin to care deeply about you.  That is why it is not easy when I have to tell you things you do not want to hear.  I do not like to hurt other’s feelings because I know what it feels like to have your feelings hurt.  You get that big lump in your throat and your eyes fill with tears.  You think to  yourself, “She doesn’t understand.”  Ugh, it does not feel good.

The reason I tell you these difficult things is because I have walked in your shoes.  I have made your mistakes.  I have felt your disappointments.  And, I wish, despite having my feelings hurt, someone would have told me these things. 

The difficult truth I want to identify in this post is:  Fantasy Relationships are not Healthy

Flirtations Are Not Dates

Many men will flirt with you and pay attention to you. They may text you or tweet with you.  They may stand close to you at parties and make you swoon.  They may even call you on the phone.  But, these are flirtations and flirtations are not dates.  Nor are they marriage proposals.  The danger is that they can easily turn into fantasy relationships.

A man who is potentially The One for you will take you on dates (Ice Cream, County Fair, Boardwalk, Movies, walk your dog).  Real dates.  Where the two of you are alone.  Where he can show you off to the world.  Where he can impress you with his manners and open doors for you.  Where he pays and takes a risk by asking you out formally.  Everything else is a flirtation; a fantasy relationship.  It does not count.  As Gregg says, “Anything else is the Lazy Man’s approach!”

The notes I get from you tell me that you are spending an awful lot of time and energy wondering if these flirtations count.  And, I have to tell you that they do not count.  But by the time I get your emails, most you are already attached to and fantasizing about Mr. Lazy Man.  Maybe you have paired your first name with his last name…..Suzie Man. Sound familiar? 

Normal, Totally Normal

Look, I am not making fun of you.  I want you to know that your desire to be loved, cherished and happily married is Normal and Healthy.  And, if you are over the age of 20, your hormones are raging and this fact contributes to your drive to be loved, cherished and married.  Hormones are not just a guy thing. They are there for a reason and are healthy.

Not Healthy

But, your low expectations are not healthy.  I am so saddened when I get a note from a girl who is attached to a guy who has not even taken her out on a real date.  Please, please raise your expectations. 

3 Dates

Here is the advice I have been giving privately:  Do not even consider a guy or allow him to occupy your heart or thoughts until he has taken you on 3 dates.  Yes, 3 real dates where he pays and impresses you.  Why?  I will answer that next week.  But, basically because that gives the guy enough time to decide on you.  And, if he has decided on you, then you can consider him.  But, not until then.  That is just the way it works.  Sigh.

Guilty

I was the same way when I was young.  It seemed that any amount of attention from a guy would do. I could pick from a myriad of stories to share about guys in my life who were flirtation experts.  There was this one guy who flirted with me big time.  Everyone saw it and recognized that this guy had a thing for me.  He would call me and ask if I was going to attend a certain party and then let me know that he would be there too.  I responded positively to this information leaving him little room to wonder if I was interested in him.  He even bought me a Christmas present once (now hanging on our bathroom wall ~  LOL).  He would look intently at me and stand close to me at parties.  But, he never asked me out on a date.  Never.

Did I think about him too much?  Yes. Did I wonder if he was The One?  Yes.  Did I pair my first name with his last name?  Maaaaybe.  And, did I respond with Shock when he married the very next girl who he actually took on dates?  Yes.  Ugh.

The Veil

So, I am guilty too and I understand how easy it is to fall into a fantasy relationship with Mr. Lazy Man.  But, looking back, I realize that he was not really being lazy.  Instead, I believe he (and all those other flirtation experts) saw something in me that they really liked but held back due to The Veil.  If you were to shoot them up with truth serum they most likely would not be able to pinpoint their reason for holding back.  As I said last week, love and attraction are a mystery.  It cannot be explained.

I am certain that this same thing is happening to you if you have committed to Chastity.  The guys who are flirting with you really do see something they like but they are being held back from pursuing you.  Therefore, please don’t feel rejected but instead realize that you are being protected.  The one that God has for you will follow through.  He will take you on dates and pursue you and marry you.  He will make you feel amazing.

Why Does It Happen?

You might wonder why you are so vulnerable to having fantasy relationships and how you can avoid falling into this unhealthy state.  Why do these guys have such an incredible power over you?  Please come back next week and we will talk about a very important aspect of the single life:  Emotional Chastity

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

Over the last couple of weeks I shared the story of Fred, one of my Mr. Almost Rights.  I shared how we met and a little bit about our courtship.  I shared some of the external details and how things ended between us.  Given that background, today I will share with you what was going on inside my heart and my mind. 

Frustration

Looking back, letting go of this relationship was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because Fred looked very close to being The One.  But, the bottom line is I knew he was not The One.  I knew because I did not have peace about him. Instead, as things progressed, I felt frustrated by him. Rather than certitude, instead what I felt was frustrated by the power struggle going on between us.  There was a point where he turned inward and his heart turned tepid. And, instead of things getting better with time, things started to get worse until they fell apart.  

In contrast, when I started to date my husband Gregg, I did not feel frustrated by him.  His passion toward me was constant and things just kept getting better. I never experienced self-doubt or a power struggle.  I was never tempted to chase him nor did I have any anxiety about the near or distant future.  I had a sense of certainty that I had never felt in these other relationships.   

With all these other relationships, I experienced self-doubt.  I found myself sharing relationship details (nothing personal) with my girl/guy friends and I would keep an eye out for their reaction.  I was searching for someone outside of myself to confirm what I was feeling inside. I was even tempted to subtly chase the guy.  I didn’t overtly chase but I did things that made me realize that I wasn’t the one being chased anymore. 

[http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/i%20knew%20it%20was%20only%20a%20matter%20of%20time]

I Knew  

But, there was something I knew in the midst of these failed relationships even before they fell apart.  I knew it was only a matter of time and I knew this from the beginning.  You see, even though I was frustrated, embarrassed, angry and hurt when things ended, I was not surprised.  Deep down, I knew.  I knew the guy was not The One but I still hoped it could somehow work out.  But why did he not love me enough and why did his feelings fade?

Love Is A Mystery

Here is something that is very hard to accept:  True love and attraction are mysteries.   Love just is or it just isn’t. It cannot be explained.  No matter how wonderful we are, we cannot manufacture true love and attraction.  And, this can be exasperating.

If you have been reading this site for a while then you will not be surprised when I mention, once again, the Veil.  It puts love in the spiritual realm where it belongs.  It is my way of explaining the mystery of love.

I Know

I have the advantage of hindsight and it is only with this advantage that I can see the difference between how things progressed with Gregg versus how things were with each of my Mr. Almost Rights.  But, I have stood where you are standing and I remember being subjected to the unknown .  I remember being afraid I would never have the chance at love again. I remember feeling left out in the cold on my own.  Please believe me when I say that I thank God (now) that things with Fred did not work out. 

I know it is not easy to accept when a relationship falls apart.  I know how frustrating it can be and how easy it is to blame the guy.  It is tempting to blame him for not trying hard enough and not choosing to love you.  I know how easy it is to blame yourself and how it feels when that self-doubt sets in. I remember believing that if he had tried harder (or if I had) then maybe it would have worked out. I know how embarrassing it is to have a relationship publicly go south and then that same guy goes on to marry someone else.  I know. 

You Must Walk The Path

Even though I knew deep down that Fred (and all the other Mr. Almost Rights) was not The One, I still had to walk the path to find out.  It was only in hindsight that my initial instincts could be confirmed.  You must also walk the path.  You must pray for wisdom to discern the relationship and recognize when it is time to let go.  In order to do this, Chastity is required.

Chastity

The only reason I was able to discern the relationship with Fred accurately was because of the freedom resulting from my commitment to Chastity.  If I had slept with him, I would have been unable to let the relationship go due to the natural attachment and bonding resulting from sex.  It would have clouded my judgment.  And, contrary to what some believe, the sex would not have magically changed the outcome.  There is nothing that would have made Fred love me enough nor keep his heart from turning.

The Veil

Love and attraction are a mystery.  The mystery can confound you when it slips through your hands.  But, the mystery will completely overwhelm you with joy, gratitude and awe when it is yours to behold.

Wait on the Lord.  Wait on the mystery that is love.  When it is yours, you will know.  I know it is hard.  You remain in my prayers.

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!