7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 111

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 — 1 —  Last Week’s Post: I Am Just An Average Girl

— 2 —  Next Week’s Post:  Why Won’t He Call Me?  

— 3 —    Not Alone Series:  Last Week’s Topic was Encouraging Men!!

— 4 —    Not Alone Series:  This Week’s Topic was Challenge Time!

— 5 —   Soulmates and Santa Clause:  This article over at The Chastity Project presented a very balanced theology.  

— 6 —    Prayers:  Praying for those killed and injured in the terrorist attacks in Tunisia and Yemen.  One of my favorite aspects of this blog is how it has opened up the whole world to me.  I have met girls from around the world and now when I hear of these attacks, it becomes closer to home.

  7 —   Christ Is The Answer:  Trust.

Christ Is The Answer

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain’t the Lyceum !

I Am Just An Average Girl

In my last post, I encouraged those of you participating in on-line dating to allow for mystery, risk and conquest.  I shared how to manage your ‘online footprint’ in order to find out which guys are willing to slay dragons for you.  I recommended that you think like a guy (mystery, risk, conquest) but behave like a girl. Let’s review.

Behave Like A Girl

Here are some ways to allow for the mystery, risk and conquest in the online dating world:

  1. If you get the matchy-match notice from the dreaded algorithm…..ignore it. Realize that it is the algorithm contacting you and not a real man.
  2. Only communicate with men who are brave and resourceful enough to contact you first. The fact that he reaches out to contact you is a very good sign.
  3. Do not view any profiles until the guy contacts you. Then, you may check him out. This will prevent any Fantasy Relationships taking place in your head.

I also anticipated a protest from you because, inside your head, there may be a belief that you have to be the one who is brave and resourceful.  Your ‘take charge’ attributes have benefited you in other areas of your life so why not apply these gifts to your love life?  It is easy to think that you have to compete to get the love you need. And, there is a voice inside your head that says,I have to make it happen or else it will never happen naturally for me.  I am just an average girl.”

An Average Girl

The world puts an awful lot of pressure on us to be a certain way and most of us will never meet those standards.  Shiny hair, flawless skin, a perfect smile and a strong, smooth body only belong to a few and because of this, the rest of us think of ourselves as ‘average.’

Do you know what I find to be interesting? If you look around, these, what the world would describe as ‘average’, girls get married all the time.  Why is this?

Attraction

I am convinced that in order for a man to pursue a girl, he needs to be physically attracted to her.  So, in the online dating world, a guy most likely looks at your photo first and then reads your profile.  If there is an interest, he pursues.  This might sound like a bad thing if you are an average girl like me…….unless you understand something ~ attraction is dependent upon the eye of the beholder.

You might be thinking, “That’s your big revelation?  I knew that!”  Yes, you do know it.  What you may not believe is that there is a beholder who will be specifically attracted to you.  Your doubt is normal.  But, this ‘eye of the beholder’ concept is the basis for my Veil and Superabundance Theories.

Whether your beloved beholder ever shows up is the question we all struggle with (see section below).  My point is, he needs to be attracted to you and you want him to be attracted to you.  Give him the opportunity to decide this in his head, heart and soul.  Give him the opportunity to decide to pursue you without feeling pressured because you contacted him first.  In fact, those of us who are average girls benefit even more by letting him decide these things in advance because the question of attraction in the beholder’s eye is already answered with a ‘yes!’.

Beauty

He Decides, I Pick

When I was single, I made the decision to let the men come to me. Let them decide to pursue me and then I would pick from that pool of candidates. The biggest benefit I experienced was that the question of “Is he attracted to me?” had already been answered and I could proceed with confidence rather than feeling that I had to be perfect.

You see, I didn’t have the ‘power’ that those ‘perfect by the world’s standards’ girls seem to have and therefore I decided to wait for a natural kind of empowerment.  The kind of empowerment that comes from knowing that you are being pursued.

Will He Show Up?

I don’t know if your beloved beholder will show up.  In the same way, I did not know that Gregg would show up.  But, making the decision to let my hoped-for beloved beholder come to me naturally or not at all resulted in a type of empowerment that is hard to describe. I knew what I needed and I gave myself permission to want it, even if it meant not ever having it.  Does that make sense?

Described another way, it was important to me that I not ever wonder if my husband is attracted to me.  I refused to put myself at such a disadvantage…..and this was empowering.  But, I had to wait.  I had to surrender.  I had to accept that he may never show.  I had trust that if he never shows up, then that is a better outcome than constantly trying to prove myself worthy and wasting time knowing that things will eventually ‘fizzle out’ because of a weak attraction.

You can also give yourself permission to do the same because it is in the eye of your beloved beholder that you will be seen as attractive.  This attraction will feel very surreal and supernatural.  Why?  Because it is.

The Supernatural Realm

In order to give yourself this same permission, you have to believe in the Supernatural realm.  It is in this realm where God fulfills His plan.  If your vocation was left simply in the natural realm, then I would advise you to do all you can to capture your man before some other girl gets him.  Help him, contact him first, call him, email him, text him and chase him.  Be the doormat.

But that is not how God designed us women.  He designed us to be the receivers and the responders.  He designed men to be the initiators and the pursuers.  Therefore, wait for God to infuse Supernatural grace into your man so that he will not need your help.  Of course, this can only happen within the Supernatural realm of God’s will.  So, stay in His will.  Do not stray from His path.

Once you wrap your arms around this truth, you will have peace while you wait.  You will be able to stop yourself from initiating contact with men, helping them in their pursuit or becoming the doormat.  You will be able to wait on the Lord and His Supernatural Grace. Even in the event that your beloved beholder does not show up, the Lord’s Peace and Supernatural Grace will be with you.

I invite you to email me at anytime: theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God Love and Bless You!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 110

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 — 1 —  Last Week’s Post:  Don’t Take Away His Dragons. It is so tempting to want to ‘make something happen’ rather than trust in the process. Please write to me if you need encouragement.

— 2 —  Next Week’s Post:  As promised, I will share with you why you can trust in the process…..even, and especially if you are an average girl like me.

— 3 —    Not Alone Series:  Last Week’s Topic was Travel!  A very timely topic considering I was on travel for work in San Diego last week.  Oh, San Diego, with your beautiful weather, thank you!

— 4 —    Not Alone Series:  This Week’s Topic was Dating Fast!  Best quotes:

Ok, Lord, I’m not looking for him…just do whatever you want…. *peeking* …ok, really, just bring him whenever you want…”  Morgan

and this:

” I have seen girls often think, especially because of that typical story I talked about earlier of girl declares dating fasts, boy pursues, girl gets boy at end of year, ladies think that a dating fast is part of the secret formula to dating.  “If only I go on a dating fast than Mr. Future Husband will enter into my life with a dozen roses and a devotion to St. Joseph. ”  Don’t fall into that trap.  Whether you go on a dating fast or not, the Lord’s will still needs to be done in your dating and vocational life.  Don’t ever forget that, it is always His will.”  Natalie

— 5 —   A Message For You:  God speaks words designed especially for us:

“God solicits each of us by a dialogue no other soul can hear. His action on the soul is always for us alone. He sends no circular letters, uses no party lines. He calls His sheep by name; He leaves the 99 that are safe to find the one that is lost. Once the soul becomes conscious of the Divine Presence it whispers to itself: this is a message sent to me and to no one else. Archbishop Fulton Sheen (Lift up Your Heart)

— 6 —    Spotlight On:  This week’s spotlight is on George Weigel for his article, No Fighting God.

“…Job, I came to see, is the model of what an Italian biblical scholar has called “the believer who loves the true God in himself and for himself, without ulterior motives”—and does so precisely along the dark path of suffering. It is Job, sitting amidst misery, who rejects his friends’ calculating, facile suggestions about why bad things happen to good people. It is Job who, in the end, refuses to cram the divine will and purpose onto the procrustean bed of human wisdom. It is Job who, finally, lets God be God—and who, by admitting that he is not the artisan of his own existence, makes a deeper act of faith in the God whose divine “logic” in beyond anything human minds can grasp….”

  7 —   My Healing:  If you read my last 7QTs, I revealed that I had been sick. I had what was in hindsight, a virus.  But, before that determination, the diagnoses could have been all kinds of scary things.  Without going into too much detail, I was in so much pain that I visited our Parish priest for Confession, followed by my first reception of the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick.  My main goal was to receive peace, but I knew that if I was going to be healed, I had to go to the Divine Healer.  I did receive the gift of Peace immediately and within 2 days, was completely healed.  I now have compassion on those suffering with Chronic pain, especially in their joints.  I now have an awareness of my lack of pain whenever I lift something, move my wrists or climb stairs.  It is one of those ‘new lease on life/my life is now Yours, Lord’ experiences that can only be described as a gift from on high.  Praise be to God.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain’t the Lyceum !

Don’t Take Away His Dragons

A couple of weeks ago, as Gregg and I were driving to work (at 6:00am), I shared with him the latest on what was going on with ‘the blog girls’ (you). I told him my thoughts on how things have changed in the online dating world.  One thing that I am disturbed about is the lack of mystery with today’s online dating sites and how I believe this can work against you girls.  But, it doesn’t have to and that is what today’s post is about!

Managing Your Online Footprint

Do today’s online sites tempt you to search out, contact and fantasize about the guys on the site?   Do the guys have evidence of your searches, the number of times you view their profile and the amount of time you spend on the site? Could guys be turned off by a sense of desperation coming from the way you conduct yourself online?  Finally, is your online footprint potentially too big?  If so, let’s see how this impacts how you are perceived and what you can do about it.

Okay, so from what I understand, sites such as CatholicMatch.com somehow automatically match the boys to the girls. I assume it is the result of an algorithm built into the system based on how the person answers a series of questions.

Strike #1

This Matchy-Match system is Strike #1 in my book. Why?  Because it significantly reduces the need for the guy to be Resourceful.  Remember my 3 R’s?  In this post, I said that a guy has to be Resourceful, Ready and Realistic.  If the algorithm is doing all the work for him, then it is weakening his Resourcefulness muscle.

I am fine with a guy using filters to find a girl.  For example, he can filter by things like location and age.  But, then I think he needs to do the work associated with the search.  Look at photos, read bios/profiles, etc.  Put some effort into it!

Instead, the system is all matchy.  Okay, fine.

Strike #2

Let’s accept the matchy-match factor and move on to the next strike:  The “See who viewed your profile” function.  Strike # 2. Why?  Because, it gives the guy too much information.  And, it temps the girl to initiate contact with a guy just because he viewed her profile (I get email confessions).  A girl should fight this temptation to contact these guys.  Why?  Because if a guy viewed a girl’s profile and did not initiate contact with her…..we have to consider that he was not interested.  He moved on to check out other girls.

When a guy sees a photo and profile he likes, he contacts her….even if she is out of his league.

Slay dragons

Don’t think like a Girl

It is so easy for us girls to think, “Oh, he viewed my profile and must be intimidated by me.  Let me contact him to let him know that I don’t bite.”  That, my friend, is thinking like a girl.  And, when I presented this line fo thinking to Gregg, he said,

“You need to tell the girls this:  Don’t take away his dragons!

In other words, you girls are thinking like girls.  You are thinking you need to lower the bar and remove imaginary barriers.  Instead what you are doing is removing the mystery, the risk and the conquest.

Mystery, Risk And Conquest

A man likes mystery.  He likes to take risks.  Sure, the girl may be out of his league but that makes it even all the more exciting! It is a dragon to slay.  Don’t take away his dragons by making it too easy.

I know what you are thinking…..“that won’t happen to me.  I am not dragon-worthy. ”  Well, yes you are. But you will never find out who is willing to slay that dragon for you until you manage your online footprint and for this I recommend you think like a guy (mystery, risk, conquest) but behave like a girl.

Behave Like A Girl

  1. If you get the matchy-match notice from the dreaded algorithm…..ignore it.
  2. Only communicate with men who are brave and resourceful enough to contact you first.
  3. Do not view any profiles until the guy contacts you. Then, you may check him out.

Why?

The reasons are simple.  If a guy checks out your profile but does not contact you after the algorithm does all the work for him matches you…….then he is not interested.  If you contact him first, then you are trying to make something happen that isn’t happening naturally. Not good. So, if you wait and only communicate with the guys who contact you first, your chances of success skyrocket.

The problem with checking out the guys profile before he contacts you is that The Fantasy Relationship starts to take off.  You start naming children and this man, who hasn’t even typed a sentence to you, occupies your thoughts.

But Cindy!

I hear your protests.  The biggest protest in your head is “I have to make it happen or else it will never happen naturally for me.  I am just an average girl.”

And that is the dragon I will kill in my next post.

God Love and Bless You!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 109

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 — 1 —  Last Week’s Post:  Thank you again to Tammy for allowing me to link to her post over at Counter Cultural Catholic!  Looking forward to more from her!

— 2 —  Next Week’s Post:  As promised, I will be sharing my post about managing your online dating ‘footprint’.  The post is titled, “Don’t Take Away His Dragons” which is a direct quote from Gregg after I shared with him your experiences with online dating.

— 3 —    Not Alone Series:  Last Week’s Topic was Qualities in our Husbands.  Such a wise listing by these wise girls! Thank you for the shout-out Katie!

I was impressed that new-comer, Katie, listed RESOURCEFUL as a quality.  Girl, you are a very wise 21 year-old!  I also loved her concluding paragraph and want to say, “Yes, hold on to that hope!”:

“The romantic in me wants to believe that you can have both: passionate love and compatibility. Is that what God has in mind for us single women? I’d like to think so, and unless He shows me otherwise, I’m going to hold on hoping for a man who will check off my list and sweep me off my feet.”

— 4 —    Not Alone Series:  This Week’s Topic was Loneliness.  I was impressed that these post were so honest.  I did not detect any pity parties going on, just the reality of what we experience in the single life.  It helps to know that it is a universal feeling.  And, as Morgan wrote, the whole idea of NAS is ‘solidarity.’  Great job, girls!

— 5 —   Overload:  Remember I wrote that I was feeling overloaded?  Welll, the 7 day fever, headache and fatigue that was heading my way at the time might explain why.  I was out of work this whole week and had 3 visits to different medical professionals. There were days when I didn’t turn a single light on in the house or get off the couch until Gregg arrived home.  I am feeling much better today.  I know some of you were praying for me and I thank you!

— 6 —    Spotlight On:  This week’s spotlight is on you, my beautiful readers. I think you are so brave and healthy.  After reading so much about that stupid movie and book, I realized the pressure you girls are under and how you could be judged for your opinion about the holiness of sex. This article helped me understand the appeal that the book and movie might have for some.  It basically boils down to unresolved Daddy issues.  These women may have never experienced love and acceptance from anyone.

But some of you have bad or even no father at all and you are still able to see the truth.  You are correct if you believe marital love is freeing.  You are correct to want passion that you can trust and leaves you feeling beautiful and safe.  I am so impressed that you are not believing the lie that stands ready to destroy you.  I solute you.

“The virtue of chastity in our culture may be seen as a form of white martyrdom”

(Fr. Dan Pattee, TOR). St. Agatha, pray for us!

  7 —   Lent and a Healing Mass:  Lent starts Wednesday!  We are going to a Healing Mass on Thursday. It is going to be a good week.  I will be praying for you.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain’t the Lyceum !

Counter Cultural Catholic

This week I am linking an insightful post from another blogger, Tammy.  I have been a fan of Tammy’s for a while and have been enjoying her new blog, Counter Cultural Catholic.

Tammy

Her post this week, In Pursuit of Something Special, is about her experience with online dating.  Tammy asks and answers these questions and more:

“Do you respond to everyone who contacts you? Is it kinder to email back a “Not Interested” or to simply not respond? Is one more hurtful than the other? When someone piques your interest, should you play hard to get? Can you type too much? Is aloof alluring?”

Next week, I will share my thoughts, specifically on CatholicMatch.com and provide advice on how a girl can manage her online ‘footprint.’

Tammy will be writing additional posts on this subject so head on over to her blog and sign up to receive her future posts!

Thank you, Tammy!

If you are in need of encouragement or advice, my email is theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 108

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 — 1 —  This Week’s Post:  When He Writes, “Feel Free To..”  So pleased with the response to this post!  Even sweet Arleen Spencely took notice and tweeted about it!  Thank you, Arleen!

— 2 —  Next Week’s Post:  I was emailing with a girl about how Catholicmatch.com is set up and I shared my thoughts on how a girl might manage her on-line ‘footprint’.  :)  She and I plan to do a joint post next week!

— 3 —    Not Alone Series:  Last Week’s Topic was All The Children ~  Babies and children. Go check out all the cute photos of the babies!

— 4 —    Not Alone Series:  This Week’s Topic was Selfies! and they write about “Do you support the selfie trend? Do you think it promotes self absorption, vanity and narcissism? Is there a way to incorporate selfies into the Church’s teachings of modesty, authentic beauty, humility?”   Great topic.  Surprisingly, I don’t have a strong opinion.  I took my first selfie the other day and I had to be shown how to do it. :)

— 5 —   Overload:  I feel it.  How about you?

— 6 —    Spotlight On:  This week’s spotlight is  on Kari Kampakis for her post called “A Word To Girls About Sexting and Setting Standards.”  Important for everyone to think about!

  7 —   Theology Over Dinner:  Gregg and I lead a bible study every Thursday night with another couple.  Last night this other couple hosted a Theology Over Dinner event and it had quite a turnout.  A rough count of 50 people of variety of ages from about 7 different parishes!  It was held at a local restaurant where we had dinner and then heard a talk given by a wonderful priest.  These will happen once a month and mimic the Theology on Tap events. I do believe that the Lord was glorified!

You remain in my prayers! God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain’t the Lyceum !

When He Writes, “Feel Free to…”

Many of you are participating in online dating.  What should you do when somewhere in the exchange, the guy says, “Feel free to call/text/message me.”  I hear this from many girls who get confused about what it means.  What should you do when a guy puts the ball in your court?

Lukewarm

I was just writing to a girl the other day and I told her that I hate to be the Debbie Downer. I am sure some girls think my advice is to be too harsh on guys.  But, it is a pattern I see.  If a guy is putting the ball in the girl’s court without any intention of risking himself in the pursuit, then it usually means that he is lukewarm in his interest.

It usually means that his feelings are such that if the girl takes the bait and initiates, then he is ‘fine’ with it.  She may be able to keep him occupied and from feeling lonely while he keeps his eyes open for someone he can feel passionate about.

As you can imagine, this is a tough pill to swallow for the girl….especially when she is attracted to him and hopeful of a positive outcome.

Smiley Face

Another girl was texting with a guy who kept putting the ball in her court. He was one of those “feel free to text me.” kind of guys. They had gone on one date and then he would contact her sporadically.

I told her to just respond with a smiley face. So she did this even though her mother disagreed.  But, in the end, the guy eventually gave up. It could be said that he stopped ‘messing with her.‘ All the half-hearted lobs he was tossing her made her feel that she needed to be the one to keep the ball in play.  It made her doubt herself.  It really messed with her.  I felt that, after a certain amount of back and forth, the only way to respond to this guy was with a smile.

Risk

I have shared before that Gregg gave me his phone number but he never said, “Feel free to call me.”  Instead he said, “Here is my phone number in the event you are not comfortable giving me yours.”  This is different.  He took my preferences into consideration and revealed that he was willing to be the one to call and take that risk.

I feel that men who put the ‘pursuit’ ball in the girl’s court are unwilling to take a risk.  And, isn’t that really what dating requires?  But, in order to risk, the guy has to feel that the payoff is worth it.  And, then he has to be ready and willing to take it.

The 3 R’s

I wrote a post back in July which described the 3 R’s which are needed before a guy will take that risk.  He needs to be Resourceful, Ready and Realistic. It is fine if a guy is not motivated to pursue you.  In fact, he should only pursue you if he is truly interested in you.  But, the only way for his half-hearted ‘feel free to’ lobs to stop is for you to interpret the signs and realize what is going on.

The Veil

I haven’t mentioned the veil in a while so some of you may not know this little theory of mine. I invite you to check it out as a way to stay encouraged the next time a guy says “Feel free to.”  No, my dear girl, the one that God has for you will not take such a chance by putting the ball in your court.  He will take the risk and pursue you.  If he says “feel free to” then feel free to ignore his half-hearted invitation. :)

If you are in need of encouragement or advice, my email is theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

7 Quick Takes Friday ~ Vol 107

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 — 1 —  This Week’s Post:    Let Him Process  Find out what I recommend when a guy stops communicating!

— 2 —  Next Week’s Post:  When He Writes, “Feel Free to…” ~  I hear this from many girls.  What should you do when the guy puts the ball in your court?  Check out next week’s post! 

— 3 —    Not Alone Series:  Last Week’s Topic was A Typical Day!  Nosey me enjoyed reading these posts!

— 4 —    Not Alone Series:  This Week’s Topic was 2015!   A very inspiring topic and the girls did a great job at sharing their goals!

— 5 —    Empowered:  I have a renewed sense of feeling empowered by Grace in this new year.  I haven’t exactly harnessed it yet but I am becoming aware that it is available to me.  It seems that this empowerment reveals itself most when my prayer is “Glorify Yourself through this, Lord.”  The Book of Acts is especially good!

— 6 —    Spotlight On:  This week’s spotlight is on The Augustine Institute!  They are doing a beautiful job of sharing our Catholic Faith and putting tools out for Evangelization. Gregg and I are using the Symbolon series in our weekly bible study and it is amazing!Their mission is to “Transform Catholics for the New Evangelization.” You can find them on Facebook and on Twitter.  Here is an example of their work, Beloved:  The Mystery and Meaning of Marriage:

<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/112875158″>Beloved // Sneak Peek</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/augustineinstitute”>Augustine Institute</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>

  7 —   Your Emails:  I love hearing from you!  Please feel free to reach out to me:  theveilofchastity@gmail.com

You remain in my prayers! God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

Thank you so much for visiting and reading this post! If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow” button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too!

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain’t the Lyceum !

Let Him Process

What should you do when a guy stops communicating? Do Nothing.

Processing

When a guy stops communicating it can mean one of two things.  Either he has decided not to pursue you or he is not sure if he wants to continue to pursue you.  Only one of these is deadly for the relationship.  The other one, when he is not sure, is not always fatal.  In fact, it can, for some men, be an important step.

Everyone is different in the way they come to understand their feelings and how they should proceed.  Some people isolate to think about things.  Some need to talk it through.  Either way, what is important is that the guy decide one way or another rather than sit on the fence forever.  So, if his way of deciding is to isolate, it may mean that he stops communicating….temporarily.

What Should You Do?

patience

Oh goodness, it is so tempting to want to reach out. I mean, things are going so well and you think maybe if you send him a little text to say ‘hi’….you know the drill.  My recommendation is to not contact a guy when he is isolating.  Let him process his feelings.  By contacting him, you will interrupt something very important that happens within a guy as he is trying to decide his future with a girl.  You also send the message to him that he needs help in his pursuit.  I think this can be insulting to men.

Absence 

As I think back on how Gregg and I started, I am not really sure if he experienced the need to ‘process’ his feelings for me. If he did, I thankfully never noticed.  He called when he said he would call and never left me wondering.

One of the benefits of long distance is the time of absence and how it can make the heart grow fonder.  We had a built-in and natural barrier of the miles between us. This was in the days before texting.  Sure, we had email but I was not instantaneously available to him.  The distance allowed for an enticing amount of mystery about me and my life.

Many girls write to me when they are going through a stressful ‘pause’ in their relationship.  At first, I think ‘oh, this is a bad sign.‘  But, then I remember that some guys require this isolation process.  And afterwards, when they contact the girl, their pursuit is usually stronger.

Once.  Maybe Twice

Keep in mind that these pauses, if they are legitimate, only happen once, maybe twice in a relationship.  Any more than that and I would have concerns about his intentions.  If a guy is taking a pause every week, every month or even every 3 months, then I would say this is not a good sign.  He is not processing.  Instead, he is demonstrating his doubts about you and he is just biding his time until he finds the girl of his dreams.

Chastity

Chastity is a forcing function or behavior-shaping constraint when it comes to processing intentions and feelings. Although it doesn’t limit the number of pauses, it does allow for more clarity.  When sex is involved, things get cloudy for the girl and there is nothing forcing the guy to think about his intentions. Many things about the relationship and its future are assumed rather than confirmed.  It is a risky assumption.

Hidden Treasure

“…like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field..”   Matthew 13:44

You know the parable, right?.  A man finds a hidden treasure in a field and he sells all that he has to buy the field.  This is what you want.  You want to be thought of as a treasure and for your man to be motivated to give everything in order to have you. Don’t interrupt him in this process of realization.  Do nothing.  Trust in the process.  Trust in the Lord.

You Never Know

The hard part is that you don’t know ahead of time which way he is going to decide.  You won’t know until he goes through the process.

If you are in the middle of this, stay strong.  Don’t interrupt the process.  Don’t contact him.  If you need encouragement and if you think I can help, feel free to write to me.  theveilofchastity@gmail.com

God love and bless you!

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