Stop Chasing Him

In my post from two weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

Last week, I addressed #1: Stop sleeping with him. This week, I will address #2:  Stop chasing him.

Why?  Because men are awesome, competent and brave and they are perfectly capable of doing the chasing and initiating!!  And, when he is the one, he will chase you.  He will want to chase you!

Chasing

First, I will describe what I mean by “chasing”.  I am not promoting the idea of playing head games. That would be cruel.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect simply by the nature of their human dignity.  Nor am I saying that you should approach your relationships with a ‘tit for tat’ kind of keeping score mentality.  When he is the one, it is impossible to keep score because of all the generosity, giving and smiling going on.

What I mean by “chase” is that he is slightly ahead of you emotionally.  You might be thinking, “How can he be ahead of me and chase me at the same time?”  Ah, life is a paradox, isn’t it?  Chasing means he tries to draw you into his life.  He makes plans with you.  He calls you daily just to hear your voice and to make sure you don’t forget about him.  He sees you as a marvelous mystery so he spends his time and energy trying to figure you out and get closer to you.  He envisions a future with you and this, my friend, excites him!

Anthony Buono, the founder of Avemariasingles.com writes in this article:

“You are a woman.  A woman has mystery.  A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery.  A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms.”

Just like we girls struggle with finding Mr. Right, men struggle with finding a girl they believe they can marry and be happy with.  If that girl is the one for him and if she is virtuous, trustworthy and attractive to him, then he will pursue with gusto!

What I am saying is that if he is interested in you, he will chase you.  If he is **not** interested in you, he will either not chase you at all or his chasing will be lame and inconsistent (more on this in a couple of weeks).

Chasing Examples

Here are some examples of chasing:

Marianne Dashwood gets the devastating news that Willoughby married a different girl.

  1. You haven’t heard from him in a couple of days and you are feeling like he has forgotten you.  So, you nonchalantly give him a call or send him a text.  You know, just to say ‘hi”.  But, deep down your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!”  He is happy to hear from you and apologizes for not calling sooner.  He has been super busy with work and stuff and time just got away from him.  Sound familiar?
  2. You do the Marianne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) thing and send him all kinds of texts (Marianne sent Willoughby numerous letters which went unanswered and were returned unopened) and constantly comment on his Facebook page. Your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!” as well as a sense of possession that can be smothering.
  3. His sister is getting married and you are not sure if he plans to take you to the wedding. So, you drop all kinds of hints. You contact his sister and volunteer to help out wherever you can with the wedding. You insert yourself into an event you haven’t been invited to. Your actions (chasing) are tolerated by him but you are left with the feeling that if you had not initiated, you would be sitting home during the blessed event.
  4. You initiate “the talk.” He reassured you that everything is fine but deep down you still feel unsure about his intentions, your future together and his feelings toward you.

The above examples all sound innocent enough.  You may be thinking, “I am an equal in this relationship, therefore I can initiate phone calls, relationship talks and invite myself to weddings.”  Sure, you can.  But, it is not emotionally smart and it will make you feel more insecure rather than less.

In the words of Anthony Buono, “A man can tell when he is dealing with an impatient woman. “

Why Not Initiate?

The reason you should stop chasing and initiating is because he is perfectly capable of chasing you!  But, he will only chase you and initiate things if he is really interested in you.  And, when he is the one his chasing and initiation will be consistent and impressive!

No, no, he is not “afraid” of relationships and he is not “intimidated” by you.  Those worn out excuses are code for the fact that he is not interested enough in you to chase you or he is just too immature to overcome himself and complete his mission.

Again, wisdom from Anthony Buono:  “Men pursue. He will pursue if he is interested.”

He is more than capable of initiating and leading the relationship so let him!  Let him take the lead and then respond to his courageous initiation with a big smile and enthusiasm.  That is pretty much all men need.

Just Smile and Respond With Enthusiasm

I speak from experience.  See all those chasing examples above?  Well, umm, although they are a bit embellished and the details are altered, I may have been guilty of one or two during my single days with guys who were not the one.

But, with my husband, none of that happened.  He was so incredibly interested in me that I never wondered how he felt about me.  I never wondered when I would hear from him again or see him next.  He would tell me what to expect and then follow through.  I never wondered if I would be included in his life.  He was drawing me into his life!  I never had to initiate “the talk” because he was always talking about us and me and how wonderful I am (funny what Superabundance can do!).  And you know what my role was?  I smiled sweetly and responded to his initiation with genuine enthusiasm.  It was so easy!

The Veil

Here is the thing.  When he is the one, he pursues you.  If he is not pursuing you, he is not the one and there is very little you can do about it.  Keep in mind that you are covered by a veil so no matter what you do or how wonderful you are, unless he is the one, he will not see you and therefore he cannot appreciate you.  His initiation will wax and wane.  His pursuit will be lame and inconsistent.  He will run hot and cold.

He is not a bad guy. He is awesome, competent and brave. He just can’t see you.  He only catches glimpses of you and what he sees he likes but it is not the whole vision of you.  Don’t get mad about it.  Give the guy a break and realize what is going on.  This guy is not the one so just let him go.  Stop chasing him and the situation will die a natural death.

Then, you must strive toward virtue (more on this in a future post) and commit to Chastity.  This will ensure that you are ready for the guy who is the one.

In my next post we will talk about expectations and I will encourage you to stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high!

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

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Stop Sleeping With Him

In my last post, I shared that it is unwise to chase men.  And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:

  1. Stop sleeping with him.
  2. Stop chasing him.
  3. Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
  4. Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.

Today I will address #1: Stop sleeping with him.  There are so many reasons for this critical step.  Here are two: 

  1. The sex is putting you at a disadvantage
  2. You are sabotaging your future happiness

        The Sex is Putting You at a Disadvantage

I wish I could come up with a clever way to explain this.  I wish I had a convincing way to share with you your beauty and dignity and how sex outside of marriage robs you of both.  But, I have tried all week and I haven’t been able to do either. So, I will just give you the truth without the spoonful of sugar. 

Like it or not, sex is a ‘power’ thing.  Blah, blah, blah about women’s liberation and the belief that men don’t view sex as a power thing.  They do. Most men view women as the gatekeepers and the one with the power when it comes to sex.  Women who don’t acknowledge this are putting themselves at a disadvantage. 

Blah, blah, blah that we women can have freewheeling sex outside of marriage and not be affected. Some can.  But those are not the ones who I am trying to reach.  Those women, God bless them, are already beyond my reach with just this little blog. 

Instead, I am trying to reach those of you who have ears to hear.  I am trying to reach those of you who are not so hardened and deceived and instead are sincerely wondering why you are not being chased by the man you are having sex with.

I want you to know that Chastity is a powerful virtue.  It empowers you.  Now, with power comes great responsibility.  This power, like all power, is not to be misused or wasted.  It is instead to be carefully harnessed, treated with reverence and applied for the good.

Harry’s face says it all. It is not exactly the look of joy and satisfaction that comes with receiving something valuable!

You possess something powerful and deep! When you put a low value (price) on something and when you treat something powerful and deep as if it is casual and superficial, you put yourself at a disadvantage.

By having sex outside of marriage, you fail to guard your sexual powers. This power is being wasted and this is putting you at a disadvantage. And, because you are at a disadvantage, you are not the one being chased but instead are being tempted to do the chasing. Men don’t chase something they don’t value and they don’t chase something they already possess, especially if they have come to possess it at such a low cost. Ouch.

You Are Sabotaging Your Future Happiness

Sex outside of marriage negatively affects your future happiness in many ways but I will focus on two of them.

  1. Perpetual dating
  2. Lack of Superabundance

        Perpetual Dating

I see it over and over again.  Sex before marriage leads to perpetual dating.  The guy has found someone who will give him sex without commitment and marriage.  And, he thinks the girl is fine with it because women these days act as if it is fine even if they don’t really think it is fine at all.  This can go on for years. 

Sometimes, the couple gets engaged after the guy is coerced by the girl or after the girl finds herself pregnant. And, oftentimes the engagement is just the next baby step within the perpetual dating dance rather than what it is supposed to be…… a short phase for setting a wedding date and planning a holy wedding.

Chastity, on the other hand, either propels the relationship forward or stalls it.  Chastity is a built in-filter that eliminates the possibility of perpetual dating.  If the guy is not serious about a future with you, he will bolt when he hears there is no sex in it for him.  This is a good thing; a type of built-in filter. Again, it may feel like rejection, but it is really protection!  The guy is actually doing the more noble thing by ditching you.  Let him go devastate someone else.

Data that I have gathered over the years reveals that couples who practice Chastity get married sooner. They are happier and more stable.  Check out this video of this beautiful holy wedding!  Yes, my sweet girls, this is possible no matter what is in your past. Your beautiful commitment to Chastity can start now!

            Lack of Superabundance

Chastity leads to good fruit or Superabundance which I describe here.  Sex outside of marriage sabotages your future happiness by cutting off your access to Superabundance.  Without Superabundance, your love diminishes rather than grows.  Sex outside of marriage acts as a repellent to love.  He stops chasing you and you begin to be tempted to chase him. This negatively affects your future happiness.  It is that simple.

         The Veil

Keep in mind that you are covered by a veil. The purpose of the veil is to hide you from every possible suitor except for the one that God intends for you to marry.  The veil is there for your protection!  Sex outside of marriage cuts you off from that protection, cuts off your access to Superabundance and instead leaves you vulnerable and powerless.

In my next post I will share the reasons why you should stop chasing him.  But, you will not be able to stop chasing him until you stop having sex with him. 

God bless!

Olympic Champions Need Birth Control? Really?

I did not watch many of the Olympic events but I found this article to be disturbing.  The article attempts to make a connection between the success of our Olympic athletes and birth control. The article is quite silly really but when you understand the obvious motive of the author, it becomes sad.

The author says, “Without the IUD, implant, pill and other methods, many of our athletic heroines might have been home changing diapers or packing school lunches instead of scoring soccer goals and setting swimming records.”

The word Asceticism comes to mind.  Asceticism comes from the Greek meaning “exercise” or “training.”  It is a type of lifestyle “characterized by abstinence from various worldly pleasures.”  The object of the ascetic lifestyle for us Catholics is the “subordination of the lower appetites to the dictates of right reason and the law of God, with the continued and necessary cultivation of the virtues which the Creator intended man to possess.”

The typical Olympic athlete benefits from abstaining from things like cheeseburgers and fries, recreational drugs and all night parties.  This discipline, or self-mastery, is a type of training for the body and mind.  However, to this author, these Olympic athletes are able to master control over all aspects of their minds and bodies except for their sexual impulses.  To this author, self-mastery of our sexual impulses is just too much to expect.  So, these girls must have birth control. 

When I read about the author, I see that she is a big advocate of reducing teen pregnancy.  Very good.  But, she believes that teaching teens sexual abstinence (which is self-mastery) is unrealistic and that birth control pills, IUD, emergency contraception and abortion-on-demand are the only way to reduce teen pregnancy.

I actually agree that abstinence programs are lacking and instead believe Chastity programs to be more effective (more on this in a future blog).

But, the flaw in this author’s method is that those drugs, devices and procedures don’t always reduce teen pregnancy.  They often only reduce the birth rates.  That is why it is called birth control and not pregnancy control.  Babies are created but not birthed.  They are either killed in the womb with abortion or prevented from implanting due to the pill.  You see, pregnancy happens with the birth control pill but the baby is often aborted through the abortifacient nature of the pill.  

One of the many things I love about Chastity is that it encourages us in true self-mastery.  Chastity teaches us that saving sex until marriage allows us to live with our body, mind and soul in harmony.  The virtue of chastity brings our sexual appetite into harmony with reason, and creates purity in mind, heart and conscience.

For those that are married, there is the very effective option of Natural Family Planning (NFP). NFP allows for delaying and spacing pregnancy and it is hormone free.  It is more effective than the pill at preventing pregnancy.  Only 1 in 250 NFPers (versus up to 9 in 100 pill users) will have a surprise pregnancy.  More impressive is the success rate of  marriages for those that practice NFP (99.8%) compared to those that use contraception (50%). 

For those that are not married, I believe, and the Catholic Church believes, that self-mastery in all areas of their lives, including their sexual impulses, is possible and healthy for their minds, bodies, hearts and souls.

Olympic athletes are trained by both abstaining from what is harmful and exercising what is good.  Chastity, through the practice of asceticism, is achieved in a similar fashion.  Abstain from what is harmful (toxic relationships, near occasions of sin, pornography, self-gratifying endeavors, media that glorifies fornication) and exercise what is good (Mass, receiving the Sacraments often, prayer, scripture, like-minded friends, service activities, media that glories God).

Oh, I know people are still going to have sex outside marriage.  But, sadly they will never know the benefits of chastity.  They will only know what they have been sold by the sex-absorbed culture.  They will miss out on the benefits of superabundance and will set themselves up for failure instead of success in their marriage.

This article was written by a man who reviewed a study done by Brigham Young University that revealed that waiting until marriage to have sex resulted in greater marital stability and satisfaction.  The man went into the analysis seriously doubting that Brigham Young could produce a study that was without motive, namely promoting abstinence.

However, the author was quite surprised that “the study has also been peer reviewed by the academic community and the results are statistically shown to have been controlled for the religious background of the participant.”  In other words, it was done without bias and they may be on to something.  The author concludes:

“On first glance, the study surprised me a bit.  But once I thought about it, I realized that perhaps the authors are onto something. Those who start their relationships without the powerfully-distorting drug called “sex” are likely to make more rational relationship choices.  They may also be more likely to choose a partner who stimulates them in other ways, leading to a stronger and more lasting relationship.”

Yes, the “powerfully-distorting drug called sex” makes self-mastery difficult because it distorts the mind, the body and reality.

You don’t have to be an Olympic athlete to be strong and excel in self-mastery.  Commit to chastity and all its benefits.  You won’t regret it.

God Bless!