Last week, I shared an anonymous guest post titled She Was Just An Option.  Here are the Red Flags which will help you identify if you are just an option. I used bolded text to emphasize the wisdom provided! Thank you Anonymous Angel!

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 ……In both of these cases, there are many red flags that serve as signs that my friend and I were “options”, not priorities. Let’s go over them together: 

1)      These relationships are very long with comparably little development. 

It took both my friend and I over five years to “finagle” a proposal from the men we loved. This is a bad sign. Quick engagements are not ideal, but when it takes many years for a man to decide he wants to marry you, it can really begin to erode your sense of self-confidence. It is also normally a sign of a high-degree of uncertainty on his part, and a lack of a sense of direction. 

2) Both of our boyfriends were consistently involved with other women in ways that crossed emotional and perhaps physical boundaries.

Both men in these relationships consistently sought out the company of several other women for coffee dates, lunches and dinners, and trips to bars or parties while they were in relationships with us. It is not bad for your boyfriend to have female friends, but in both cases the men involved tried to hide their outings from their girlfriends, or to keep their girlfriends secret from the women they took out. This behavior did not change even during the engagement, and other women were the cited cause of both of our break ups.

3) The men in these relationships proposed marriage to us rather than lose us to another man.

In both cases, the men in question made proposals of marriage when it became theoretically possible that they would lose us to other men who would propose marriage. In my case, the arrival of other suitors had prompted action. In the case of my friend, an ultimatum prompted action. Both cases are bad. For the men we loved, marriage was not an outgrowth of a strong desire for love and commitment to last a lifetime; rather, it was a strategy to keep us with them and ensure we did not marry someone else. These men did not actually desire to enter into the institution of marriage with us because it was a positive and beautiful life choice, but to ensure that they would not lose us to someone who would marry us.

4)       The women in these relationships worked hard to appease and convince their boyfriends to love them “enough” to make a proposal.

Both my friend and I spent significant amounts of time and energy trying to convince our boyfriends that we were worth committing to. We saw ourselves as competitors for the affections of the men we loved, and thought that by making ourselves beautiful, getting good jobs, and cooking and cleaning for them, we were giving them signs that we were worth it. It is good to try to make yourself the best that you can be, and it is also good to show love to your partner. It’s not good to do this for an instrumental reason. For example, it’s not good to do these things to try to prove to a man you are worth loving. If you have to prove that you are worth loving so desperately, you are an option and not a priority to this man; it also means that you most likely suffer from low self-worth.

5)       Intimacy complicated the picture.

In my case, the intense emotional relationship I had with my boyfriend, filled with declarations of love and verbalized awe for the amazingness of the other person, made it difficult for me or for him to see clearly. I should have seen that his words did not match up with his actions, but I was on such a high from our emotional connection I didn’t even stop to look. In my friend’s case, sexual intimacy complicated her judgment and the judgment of her boyfriend. The problem in both cases is that we permitted very intense types of intimacy with men who had not initially given us a sure commitment of any kind.

After these experiences of devastation, my friend and I both moved on. Though she originally moved to the city she now lives in because of her ex-fiancé, she now has her dream job and is on the fast track to receiving great and well-deserved publicity for her work. I pray that from her experience, she has learned how to choose a man with more wisdom.

I also have been very fortunate. Three months after my break-up, I met an amazing man. I knew I was a priority and not an option to him because of big and little things he did to show me how much I meant to him. For example, because I went to church, on his own he began to go to church with me, without being asked. When I cooked for him, he was so grateful and praised me to all his friends. He also regularly cooked for me and pampered me as a way of showing he cared.

He changed around his work hours, which began late and ended late, to fit more of a nine to five schedule so that we could spend more time together. He helped me control my spending habits to pay back credit card debt and student loans by making a careful budget that was considerate of my needs and desires. I never doubted where I stood with him, and there was never any mention of women he took to lunch or coffee or parties.

After a year and a half of dating and getting to know one another well, we got engaged. We are married and expecting our first child. Everyday I give thanks to God for him; he really treats me like Christ treats his bride the church. In some ways, I think my experience with my previous boyfriend showed me so clearly what kind of man I should marry. I hope that by writing about my experience and the experience of my friend, it will help other women to avoid our mistakes, and to seek out the sort of man who will love and honor them for the rest of their life.

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God love and bless you!

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This guest post was sent to me by an anonymous reader. It  will be shared in 2 parts.  This week, she will disclose her dating stories from the battlefield and next week she will reveal 5 red flags to help you know if you are just an option.  My favorite line:

 “The problem with being an option is…there is no real appreciation of you or of your time.”

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As Cindy so wisely says, one of the most important things to sort out when you are in a relationship is whether you are a priority to your boyfriend, or just an option. She could not be more correct! The problem with being an option is that when you are one, there is no room for the development of true commitment between you and your boyfriend, and there is no real appreciation of you or of your time. 

Let’s be clear – there is a difference between when a man and woman are getting to know one another in the very initial stages through coffee dates and lunches, and when a man and a woman are in a serious relationship. In the case of the former, the level of commitment you have to each other is relatively low. You are trying to know more about each other to just determine if you want to see each other again.

The dichotomy between priority and option should be most rigorously applied when you have committed to each other -when you are boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes, girls even make the mistake of staying with a man that they are merely an option to, up to and including the moment of engagement. 

I made this mistake, as did another girl I knew in school. For the sake of helping prevent others from making this kind of mistake, I am going to highlight aspects of our experiences with men to whom we were not a priority by telling our stories. I am telling both stories because they are similar and yet different, and I feel that together they are representative of relationships where the woman is an option and not a priority.   

In the case of my relationship, I loved a man for five years. Our relationship was always on-again/off-again, and we saw other people in between seeing each other. We spent many years in this type of relationship, marked by periods of emotional closeness and declarations of love as boyfriend and girlfriend, and periods of alienation and anger. These periods of anger were brought on by my frustration with the fact that he would not make me a priority – he randomly cancelled dates, he had lunches and outings with other women, and he insulted my religion to me personally and in front of his friends. 

Things changed when I was accepted to graduate school, and he wanted to move with me if I was able to stay in the state our college was in. He couldn’t bear to lose me, he said, life without me was miserable. I wasn’t able to stay in state, and when I moved to the Midwest we both cried, but he did not offer to remain in a relationship with me. I should have taken this as a sign of the limits of his love for me, but I cared about him so much and thought so little my own value, that I was just happy that he had wanted to move with me.

Needless to say, I did not see that I was not a priority to him, and I continued to think that over time I could persuade him to love me and commit to me by proposing marriage. If only I became more beautiful, more intelligent, thinner and funnier, then maybe he would see – I worked really hard at that, to the point of developing an eating disorder. 

Two more years passed of an on-again/off-again relationship while he lived in another country and I got a master’s degree. At the end of these two years, I finally received an offer of marriage from him, and I was elated. I couldn’t believe he had finally asked! In retrospect, this admission from him seemed to be caused by two things: his own growing sense of confusion and disorientation about his vocation in life and his future, and his realization that other men wanted to make me their wife. These are two bad reasons for someone to want to marry me, but I didn’t let this stop me.

We began to make plans for him to move to the town I was living in and find a job there, but these plans fell apart when he told me that he had cheated on me with another girl who lived in his town and he couldn’t chose between us. For the final time, I was a choice among various options for him, and I hated it. I cut off all communication with him, and that was the end of a painful period in my life. I was very humiliated afterward because I saw how many disrespectful behaviors I had accepted for the sake of a chance to be with him. 

In the case of my friend’s relationship, she had been dating and sleeping with her boyfriend for six years. My boyfriend and I very fortunately did not sleep together; she had years of physical intimacy with her boyfriend, and I think it made their eventual breakup one hundred times more painful than the extremely intense pain I felt. She moved to live where her boyfriend was living, and quit a steady and successful job to become a student in the town he lived in, prior to being engaged to him.

When she was away for the summers or for holidays, he would take other women to parties and bars with him, a fact her friends would report back to her. He would dismiss it as nothing for her to worry about. Another sign of distress was that when other women greeted him, he did not introduce them to her.

Another one was that she clearly was the one always trying to please him, and his concern for pleasing her seemed minimal. She threw parties for him, she cooked constantly for him, she advertised his band for him and she picked up his house. Her whole life was clearly about him, and his life was not so clearly about her. When they got engaged, her father bought a house for them to live in that she decorated and made beautiful in the town she had moved to be with this man.

That summer, he went on a trip. In an attempt to sever their upcoming marriage, he cheated with a random girl that he never spoke to again. After the fact, he explained that he had not really loved his fiancée, but that the convenience of their relationship was too much to refuse. She initiated the move to his town, she initiated the cooking and cleaning and caring for him, and she initiated the engagement when she ultimatum-ed him about getting married before her graduation.

She was beautiful, she was talented, she was agreeable, she gave him sex, and she so clearly loved him. How could he let her go as a girlfriend? Still, he said, he did not want to make her a wife. 

In both of these cases, there are many red flags that serve as signs that my friend and I were “options”, not priorities. Let’s go over them together:

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Stay tuned next week for the red flags!  She will also disclose what her life is like today!  Thank you, Anonymous!

God love and bless you!

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For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Dear Cindy,

    I spend a lot of time with my girlfriend, Sandy, and her husband, Joe.  Joe has a friend, Tim, and it seems Sandy is trying to set us up.  I am not sure how I feel about Tim and I am not sure if it is a good idea to be thinking of him in terms of the future. I can’t tell if I am attracted to him or not. He has been sort of unclear about his interest in me but my friend says I should give him a chance and that he told her he was attracted to me.  

   He has not asked me out on a date and has not singled me out with a phone call. He does some things that would indicate interest like emailing and texting me.  And, he pays me very nice compliments.  Should I be doing anything to make things happen? Or, should I tell him to stop texting me so that I don’t get my hopes up with him?

Thank you! 

Unsure of What To Do

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Dear Unsure of What To Do,

As the female, I believe your job is to ‘do nothing.’  Ha.  Easier said than done.  It is very tempting to try to ‘help’ things along and make something happen when a guy is not taking the lead or acting on his feelings.  But, it may help to keep in mind that you do not need to control this situation.  Nor do you need to control this guy or tell him that he cannot text you anymore.  Most of what needs to be done is to, and here comes the hard part, control yourself.  Blah.

If Sandy asks if you are interested in him, just say the truth:  ‘I don’t have enough information to know.  If he asked me out on a date, I would go.’  Then, follow the three-date rule.  If he does take you on a date, demonstrate your ability to be discreet by not sharing anything with Sandy. Only divulge your feelings to Tim if he asks you.  Things can be rather tricky in this type of set up with friends-of-friends, so one way of maintaining your dignity if things do not work out is….discretion.

It is also interesting that Joe has elected to stay out of it.  This indicates to me that he is not convinced of Tim’s strong interest at this point. In general, I believe that a guy will think long and hard about starting to date a friend-of-a-friend because of the potential for feelings to get hurt if things don’t work out.  So, allow Tim to go through this process and do not push things one way or the other.  Again, do nothing.

I see that you are not sure if you are attracted to him.  This is not a problem for you to solve.  You don’t need to ‘try’ to be attracted to him.  Your attraction to him should be based on the information you obtain during the courting/dating process.

Also, you don’t need to figure out the end of the story.  You don’t have enough information yet.  It is Tim’s job to give you the information you need to consider him.  This is done through the dating process.  And, as of yet, as you said, he hasn’t done anything about it.  Why?  We may never know.  It could be ‘The Veil‘ in that he sees something in you that he is attracted to but God is protecting you for whatever reason.  It could be a timing thing and that God is doing a bunch of behind the scene work to prepare for the future.

But, none of this can be known at this point so you can only look at the information you have today:  He texts you and emails you and pays you nice compliments.  But, he has not initiated anything beyond a flirty friendship.

This is why I so sincerely believe in The Veil and why I encourage girls to let go of the calculating, controlling and figuring out.  Only God knows the future and this is our biggest faith walk with Him.

Living a life of Chastity, you have something beautiful and holy to offer a man.  Be steadfast in this belief about yourself.  Make the guy work for your affections.  The effort that a man exerts to obtain a girls affections confirms to him his level of interest in her.   Allow a man to go through this important process.

What can you do?  Smile that gorgeous smile of yours and free your mind of the calculating. I know you want to figure out if it is okay to put your affections toward Tim (I was quite a ‘calculator’ too) because you want to avoid looking foolish.  But, wisdom says to evaluate things as they are, not what they could be, and recognize that, frustratingly so, you have very little information at this point.

“God is the author of Reality, so it follows that if we live according to what is real, what is true, instead of the ideas and plans and fantasies and illusions we have in our heads, we will be much happier.”  The Evangelista

Here is what I recommend.  Smile at him and look him in the eye. Beyond that, let him do the work of courtship.  And, respond sweetly when he does.  That is it.

I know it is difficult when you cannot see the future.  I want to encourage you as I speak from way beyond the other side…..everything is going to be fine, my friend.  God’s got this!

God love and bless you! Cindy

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“Arise my beloved, my beautiful one, and come. For behold, the winter has passed…”

Song of Songs 2:10-11

Christmas can be painful for those waiting for Winter to pass.  If you feel sad or lonely, please know that you are not alone.  God is with you in the midst of your Winter.  Even Isaiah prophesied long before the birth of Jesus that God would come to be with us.  He did and is still with us today.

Emmanuel ~ God Is With Us

“Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Emmanuel.” Isaiah 7:14

********************Greeting*********************

Family can be both a source of healing and a reminder of your desire for your own family.  Here are some things that helped me during my Winter of singleness:

1.  Attending Christmas Eve Midnight Mass ~ So serene and filled with peace.  I remember looking up at the stars in the sky on the drive home.  Oh, Holy Night.

2.  Not isolating ~ Be around friends, both single friends and couple/family friends.  Jen writes about it beautifully here.

3.  Hope for the New Year ~  Yes, there is always hope.  I loved this post by Elynne at Ignitum Today.

4.  Conversing with our Savior ~  Tell Him everything that is on your heart.  Listen as He speaks His love to you.

If you are in the middle of your own Winter and need to vent, share or ask a question, please consider sending me an email.  I would love to provide some warmth to ease what can feel like a barren and cold Winter season.  

My message to you is this:  God is with you.  He is preparing the way.  What appears barren and cold is only to last for a season. Spring will come. 

*********************Music**********************

I liked cheesy music as a kid.  Even today, I like to play a certain song when we decorate our house.  Although Gregg and our son groan as soon as they hear this particular song, they humor me through it.  This is the song which reminds me of my childhood and always puts me in a good mood:

You see, the only album (yes album) I had as a tween was The Partridge Family Christmas Album.  I would play it and sing along pretending to play the tambourine.  Total dork, I know.  

**********************Photos*********************

Speaking of my childhood, these are my favorite photos:

I am the smallest one in front.

Yes, that is my hair which still has a mind of its own.

Merry Christmas to you, my sweet girls!  Love, Peace and Hope, Cindy

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The Veil of Chastity is excited to interview fellow blogger, Amanda Mortus! Amanda has had a year filled with so many blessings. First, she published her first book in May, 2013. Then, she met and is now engaged to Anthony, the man of her dreams. Amanda announced her engagement on her blog, Worthy of Agape on Friday, December 6th.  Isn’t it amazing that exactly one year earlier, December 6, 2012, Amanda was my first guest blogger? Goes to show, in a New York minute, everything can change. Thank you, Amanda for taking time out from all the excitement to respond to my nosey interview questions!

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Congratulations on your recent engagement, Amanda!

TVOC:  Looking back on your relationship with Anthony, I am dying to know if you believe the concept of The Veil rings true for you in how things progressed? 

AM:  Absolutely! I realize that Anthony, even from very early on in our dating relationship, was and is able to understand me in a way no one else has ever been able to.

TVOC:  Did it seem as if God ‘lifted a veil’ and that Anthony was able to “see” you and all your beauty in a way that no other guy was able to?

AM:  Yes! Even when I’m feeling less than beautiful, Anthony sees my beauty and my heart and encourages me in ways that no other guys were able to.

TVOC:  Were you amazed at how quickly things progressed because things were just so ‘right’?

AM:  Certainly. We dated for about six weeks before he left the country for six weeks. Those six weeks apart were hard and we weren’t able to talk consistently, but even then our feelings grew. Looking back I can see how natural things have always been between us, so when he proposed after seven months of dating it didn’t seem fast at all!

TVOC:  Do you feel that God was in the center of this and arranging things or does it just seem like luck was on your side?

AM:  Undeniable God was on our side. There are so many stories I could tell of how we both know that God has truly made us for each other. There is no doubt in either of our minds that God had us in mind for each other. Our struggles, our passions, our joy lines up in far too many ways for it to be mere luck or coincidence. God has had and continues to have His hand in our relationship, guiding us towards Him.

TVOC:  When it came to your blog, you were completely silent with the arrival of Anthony in your life and the progression of the relationship. How in the world did you discipline yourself? What advice do you have for others on this?

AM:  I literally laughed out loud at this question! When it came to keeping silent about Anthony on the blog, it was really hard. We would talk about something and it would spark a blog post, but I wanted to keep him out of the blog. I found that I was able to write about what we discussed without including him in that. It was (and is) my hope that those blog posts stood on their own. I didn’t want the point of what I/we learned to get lost in the love story we were living. I disciplined myself by constant prayer about when and if I should blog about him. My advice for others is to be prudent with what you write. I kept him out of the blog for a number of reasons, but I wanted to make sure that we had a chance to let our relationship grow before we shared with the blogging world. I wouldn’t change that for a second.

TVOC:  Finally, here is the million dollar question: Did you “know” he was The One and if so, how did you know?

AM:  I wrote another guest post on my thoughts on “The One” and I still hold to that. The gist of what I wrote is that I’m not sure I believe in “The One” to begin with. There was someone before Anthony that I swore up and down was “The One” and, clearly, I was wrong. I think that I could have been happy with that other guy, but I know that Anthony is so much better for me, and I for him. Anthony and I agree that there are a number of people we could have been happy with, but God had us chosen for each other and we are the best fit. How did I know I wanted to marry him? There are a thousand different little reasons. He lets me go to communion first, and not just in Mass. He constantly pushes me towards God and never tries to pull me away from Him. He prays with me and for me. He listens to me. He’s wonderful with children. He is a man who is constantly striving for sainthood. He protects and guards my heart. Even when he knew he was going to propose (he’d known for three months by time he proposed!), he made sure that our conversations weren’t centered around marriage and continued to discern where we were/are called. He gets along with my family. He includes me in things he does and shares his heart with me. I could go on, but I think you get my point. I knew I wanted to marry him because of who he is, because of the goodness of his heart and his drive for sanctity. Secondary to who he is, I knew I wanted to marry him because of how he treats, loves, honors, respects, and cherishes me…and will someday love, honor, protect and care for our children.

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God Love and Bless You!

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I am pleased to introduce to you my guest blogger, Mary Beth Baker, who blogs over at Life in the Gap (check her out!). She gives us excellent insight and advice about friendships in this post.  Thank you, Mary Beth!

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To Have a Friend by Mary Beth Baker

I was a very lonely teenager. We were a transient military family, and picking up and moving every two or three years didn’t lend itself well to making lasting friends.

It all came to a head in tenth grade. We’d moved twice in the space of two years, and though I had many acquaintances, I had no real friends. It was the fall of 2001, and the country was reeling from the shock of 9/11, which was about to move my family yet again – this time to Arlington, Virginia. I hardly dared to hope that I’d make friends this time, but I took my fears and laid them at the feet of the Blessed Mother.

At the time it felt like a last-ditch act of desperation. In hindsight, I recognize the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit.

“Look here,” I said, directing my words at the placid face of a statue of Mary in the back of our parish church in New Jersey. “I’m lonely. I’m pathetic. I want friends, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I don’t have any. Could you please give me at least one close friend?”

Looking back over the dozen years in between, I’m overcome with Mary’s generosity in answering that prayer. I have had more wonderful friends –men and women – than I can possibly count, and now list a few amazing women among the dearest people in the world to me, aside from my family. But these manifold answers to my little prayer haven’t come without their challenges.

With my close girlfriends in particular, I have learned the truth of C.S. Lewis’ rather harsh words about people who “only want a friend”: “Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers” (The Four Loves).

The biggest hurdle for me in my relationships has always been a deep-seated need to be loved. My own insecurities transmogrify me into this hideous pit of need that threatens to suck the people around me completely dry – like those Progressive “rate-suckers” commercials, only so much less funny.

I think I speak for many single women in this: one of the biggest obstacles to maintaining solid friendships with other women is our own loneliness and our insecurity about being loved – or lovable. We chase romance as an ideal, often leaving our female friends in the dust, only to return when our romances fall to pieces.

We all have some experience of the “BFF,” the Anne of Green Gables-style “bosom friend,” the woman who will always be there for us, to hear our secrets, buoy up our hopes, assuage our hurts, and help us through our insecurities.  

Yet how often are these friendships really based on nothing more than our mutual desire to be loved? Women are relational creatures, and the mutual need for relationship can in fact be the starting-point for a wonderful friendship. But too often it ends there, giving rise to neediness – and a lot of needless pain when one or the other ends up in a romantic relationship that fills the need to be loved far better than a girlfriend ever could.

Our friendships with other women have to be based on more than a mutual desire for love, or else they aren’t real friendship. Mutual affection is very nice, but it’s not the same thing.

Gut check: If every coffee date with your girlfriends devolves into a who’s who of the dating scene, or a litany of romantic woes, or a soliloquy on the guy who’s just started texting you, then it might be time to inspect your friendship and see what it’s really “about.” These are good things to talk about with close girlfriends, but they shouldn’t make up the whole relationship.

Recall that after the heady, joyous days of girlish friendship, Anne and Diana devolved into a lot of anger and hurt, especially on Anne’s part, after Diana got engaged. Thankfully, they managed to heal, but it’s an old, painful story that many of us, especially those of us who are still single, know all too well.

At 27 and still quite single, I have been “left behind” by many girlfriends, who have started dating and eventually settled down into married life. It’s a terrible position to be in. On the one hand you’re delighted for your friend, but your heart breaks because you’re “losing” her in a very real sense, sometimes you’re jealous of her happiness, and it can feel like your whole support system has come crashing down around your ears.

Thankfully, the truest friends remain even after they enter a romantic relationship.* Some of my married friends have made it a point to keep our friendship alive, and I’m deeply grateful for that. Yet their marriages have required me to let go of the idol of “our friendship” in order to come to love them the way they deserve to be loved.

It can be an incredibly painful process, learning that friendship is about so much more than “having friends.” It requires letting go of your expectations and moving past your insecurities so you can really love The Other as other – and not as an extension of yourself  (think of girls who are glued at the hip) or a support for your times of need.

Friendship can’t be about “having friends” if it’s going to last. That’s what Our Lady has been teaching me bit by bit over the past 12 years. You have to die to yourself in order to be a true friend. The best friends recognize that their friendships aren’t strong because of what they get out of them, but because of what they’re willing to put in. They base their friendships, not in each other or in their longing for friends, but in Christ, the perfect Friend and the goal they’re both striving for.

Mary Beth Baker is a writer and editor in Northern Virginia. She blogs at Life in the Gap.

*To those women who are now happily dating, engaged or married, I make this plea: Don’t forget your single girlfriends. We want to celebrate with you, we’re intensely happy for you, but it’s difficult to share your excitement when you leave us behind. It takes a real effort on your part, but if you have close girlfriends, especially single ones, carve out space for them in your life. A periodic coffee or lunch date here or there, even a quiet afternoon in your home with your children, mean the world to us. 

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If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

Dear Cindy,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for your blog on chastity – what an important and weighty topic – one that is so incredibly important for both girls and guys.  I enjoy your blog and find your insight and encouragement helpful.  What a ministry you have – it’s wonderful.

I’d like to get your advice on this:  I’m single, mid-20’s and oftentimes I get caught up in “hypothetical” “what if” aspect of life regarding the future (husband, kids, family), and I end up worried, anxious and depressed.  I tend to leave the “reality” of life by the wayside because I’m living in denial.  It’s hard for me to get a grip on the disappointments and hardships of life.  I do have anxiety and worry a lot and I’m looking to find more enjoyment in life.  Someday I hope to become a wife and mother, and I’m looking for input on how I can just “sit back and enjoy” life for what it’s worth, rather than stressing and worrying about the future, hence getting caught up in the hypothetical and not so much the real.  Thank you in advance for your help.  I appreciate it.

God bless you and your family!

Daydreaming Girl

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Dear Daydreaming Girl,

Thank you so much for your sweet note! As I was reading it, I went into instant recall mode because I was reallllllly bad about daydreaming when I was single.  I had my body under control but it was difficult for me to get my mind and thought life under control. This sacred scripture pertaining to peace of mind was my constant plea:

“…Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus…” 

Philippians 4:6-7

I also lived in denial a little bit.  Because I was single for so long, I dealt with the pain by turning inward.  It is hard to explain but I think it was for self-protection.  It was like I had this wound and life kept pouring salt into it.  So, I did what I only knew to do at the time.  I went into self-protection mode.

It took me a while, even after I was married, to unlock my heart and open myself up to ‘reality’.  I am still trying to allow God to heal this aspect of my life. I have to make a specific effort to open my heart (to God and even to Gregg).

I want to encourage you to know that God is aware of your situation. You are not going to be perfect in how you handle your wounds, pain and disappointment.  It will leave its effect on you.  So, what can you do?

The answer is always Christ.  My latest post, A Sacramental Life in Christ, outlines all the opportunities we have to receive God’s grace. 

If you are doing all those things, then what you have left is to put your thought life on the altar as a sacrifice.  Some will fast with food but you can fast with your thought life.  Every time you find yourself wondering off into fantasy land, stop and offer it to God.  Then, trust that God will know what to do with your offer.  This is a very powerful act of love and trust on your part.  Don’t underestimate the significance of your offer to your Beloved.

Stay aware of your heart.  It is so easy to turn inward to protect ourselves.  If you find yourself doing this, try to mentally picture yourself opening your heart up to God.  During Eucharistic Adoration, picture your heart in your hands and extend your hands to your Savior, reciting this prayer:

“Father, I offer to you this day all my thoughts, words, and actions, all my sufferings and disappointments, and all my joys. And I unite my life with that of your beloved Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.”      Morning Offering ~ Wednesday

Finally, I want to share with you that God actually used this bad habit of mine (day dreaming) in a good way.  I realized that once I met Gregg, the day dreaming stopped.  I started living in reality right away (although my heart was still locked up).  You see, the other guys that I dated left room for my day dreaming because of what was lacking (assurance of their love and commitment).  The reality of what Gregg was offering me actually was beyond all my day dreams.  I did not have to fill in the gaps because there were no gaps.  This was a sign to me that I was with the right man.

I have no idea if my Veil theory is true.  It is just a theory.  But, I truly believe that I was covered by something like a spiritual veil and that those other guys I dated could not see me.  And, this led to gaps in their love and commitment.  Maybe if I had understood this, I would not have gone into protective mode and locked up my heart.  If I would have known that I could trust God with my life no matter what the outcome, then maybe I would have been able to offer up my habit of day dreaming and He could have used it for good.

I am living proof of how patient and understanding our Father is.

To wrap up, here are my recommendations for you:

1.  Live a Sacramental Life in Christ.

2.  Offer up your habit of Daydreaming as a sacrifice.

3.  Place your heart in the hands of your Savior, asking Him to protect it so that you don’t have to lock it away.

4.  Know that you are human and that you will not deal with wounds, hurt and disappointment perfectly.  But, God knows how to deal with them.

5.  Trust that ‘you will know‘ when you are with the right man.  The daydreaming will cease and you will not want to ever leave the reality of your life.

God love and bless you!

p.s.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

Dear Cindy,

      I just want to say I thoroughly enjoy your blogs and have been following you for some time now. I was raised Catholic but now am nondenominational but it doesn’t mean that the message does not apply to everyone of us. 🙂 

      My question is what kind of advice would you give someone in their mid 30’s who feel that their time might be up? For someone who blew it? I feel like it might be too late for me. Specifically, I am 32 years old and have recently committed to chastity after making many relationship mistakes. It seems that the guys show interest in me but they are not interested in marriage.  It is hard for me to believe that I will meet a man who will desire to marry  me. 

     What is your advice for someone in their 30’s like me? How can I stay firm and not succumb to  temptation? Did you go through the same feelings? I want to fully trust God.

            Thank you for your ministry, 

            Discouraged and Tempted

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Dear Discouraged and Tempted,

I am so pleased to receive your feedback about the blog and that its relevance is not limited to Catholics.  I am sorry that you have suffered in this culture and that it has deceived you.  Your story is a common one, so please do not feel alone.

Your main question is:  for someone in their 30’s…..how can I stay firm and not succumb to temptation?

My answer is *not* dependent upon your age.  Even though the answer is the same for everyone at every age, I do know that the longer you are single, the easier it is to feel discouraged.  You can feel as if the Lord has forgotten you.  As you stated, you feel that maybe you somehow blew it or that it is too late for you.

There are two things you are fighting against:  Discouragement and Temptation

My suggestions for fighting against these are very Catholic, so please keep reading as I think an understanding of the Sacramental life will be helpful for you.  When I returned to the Catholic Church after being away for about 4 years, it was the discovery of the Sacramental aspect of our life in Christ that was so profound to me. My body, my fertility, my struggles and my desire for marriage finally made sense in light of the Sacraments.  It was the beginning of the healing process for me.

As you read the rest of my note, please focus on these beautiful words from Sacred Scripture and what it says about the body:

“…And do not present the parts of your bodies to sin as weapons for wickedness, but present yourselves to God as raised from the dead to life and the parts of your bodies to God as weapons for righteousness.” Romans 6:12

As a baptized Catholic yourself, you have access to these weapons that are designed to fight off discouragement and temptation.

Scripture is clear that in order to fight against temptation, we are to put on the Armor of God. As Catholics, our armor is not limited to scripture.  We have a whole cache of weapons, namely the Sacraments, that strengthen us and infuse Grace into our souls.  Through the Sacraments, our relationship with Jesus is expressed and experienced with our whole body in communion with the Church.

In order to fight discouragement, you need the Armor of Grace.  You need an intimate bond with Jesus; one that involves your whole body.  This bond, and the gift of Hope (the antidote against despair and discouragement), which only Jesus can give, will protect you from getting overcome with discouragement and regret.

You asked if it was too late for you.  Goodness, no, it is never too late.  With God, all things are possible.  And, with humans things are possible too.  There are good men out there that are interested in a good, holy wife.  Remain asleep in God’s will and He will be faithful.

You asked if I went through the same feelings.  Yes, I did experience discouragement, particularly when I was not living a Sacramental life in Christ.  Those four years away from the Sacraments was the worst time because I was without the weapons I needed to fight the enemy.

I actually had an easier time with temptation because of my personality.  You see, once I realized that a holy, chaste, loving marriage was possible, I felt annoyed at any guy who would try to take from me what belonged only to my husband. The gift of stubbornness was my strength in that area.  I was blessed to witness these holy, chaste, loving, fruitful and sacramental marriages in the young people around me and it gave me hope that maybe I could have that too.

So in order to fight off discouragement and temptation, there really is no answer other than a Sacramental life in Christ.  Therefore, I have 10 recommendations for you…………..

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I have already responded to this Reader with my 10 recommendations and I will include them in a post I have been meaning to create for some time.  The post is called “What Is A Sacramental Life In Christ?” and because it is quite lengthy, I will post it next week!

God love and bless you!

p.s. Check out all my posts listed by category here!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“ button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

In the past, I mentioned and explained the 3-Date Rule here and here but there seems to be some confusion surrounding the details of the concept. Some of you may think it is rather restrictive or unnecessary.  Some of you may be confused about the details and reason behind the practice.

I knew I had to dedicate a post to the topic when a girl emailed me and asked if it was okay to talk to her Mom about a guy prior to having 3 dates with him.  I was so touched by the closeness she has with her family and so I wrote back and let her know that of course she can talk about a prospective date with her Mom.

Note:   Please don’t confuse this with the secular 3-Date Rule which refers to sexual conquests.  You know, if a girl won’t sleep with a guy after 3 dates, then he dumps her.  Stupid, yes. 

For clarity, the 3-Date Rule I am referring to is this:

“..The next time a guy flirts with you, don’t say anything to anyone until this guy has taken you on 3 dates….”

“…Do not even consider a guy or allow him to occupy your heart or thoughts until he has taken you on 3 dates. Yes, 3 real dates where he pays and impresses you…”

Rules

I am not a big believer in Rules unless they serve a purpose. When you hear about dating rules, they are usually rules that are imposed upon the guy by the girl.  This rule, however, is a rule you impose upon yourself.

The purpose of the 3-Date Rule is to help you practice Emotional Chastity. Emotional Chastity is an apprenticeship in self-mastery.  Being self-contained means having mastery over your passions and your speech and not allowing your emotions to dominate you.  It means keeping yourself intact (unity of the persons) and having integrity in all you say and do.  It means avoiding duplicity in your speech and presenting your life in a way that is truthful. The 3-Date Rule keeps your words contained which in turn can help keep your emotions contained.

Emotional Chastity is a virtue that keeps you from getting ahead of yourself.  It allows you to see this new blossoming romance honestly.  It prevents you from attaching yourself to a Fantasy Relationship.

Not A Formula

Keep in mind that what I am suggesting is simply for your benefit.  It is not a formula for ensuring a certain outcome.  Not talking about a guy until he has taken you on 3 dates is not a guarantee for dating success. 

The emotional chastity that results does, however, have the potential to make a positive impression on the guy.  Instead of adding pressure to the budding romance, you are confident and at peace.  Instead of allowing your emotions to dominate your actions, you are happy and responsive. It allows you to just enjoy and assess the romance. This is a great impression to make!

Family, Age and Temperament

If you are young, living at home or extremely close to your parents, then I think it is fine for you to mention to them that you are about to go out with or that you have had a couple of dates with a new guy. 

If, however, you have been out on your own for a while and have been single longer than you have ever imagined you would be, then 3-Date Rule helps to keep yours and everyone else’s hopes contained.  It helps reduce the pressure.

I have sort of a reserved temperament and I tend to keep things to myself until I can figure them out. In my case I knew Gregg for over four months before telling my parents about him. I had been living on my own for a number of years.  And, I was single for a long time.  Even if my loved ones did not intentionally cause the pressure, after a certain age, I felt pressure.  A benefit of the 3-Date Rule is that it keeps this outside pressure off of you and allows you to discern the courtship.

What About Friends?

I am not trying to be an extremist by suggesting that you not tell your friends about a guy until after he has taken you on 3 dates.  It is sort of like not eating meat on Friday. Is it a requirement?  No.  Instead, it is a spiritual discipline.  This discipline keeps things between you and your Lord.  It allows you to hear Him rather than yourself and your girlfriends gushing over (or complaining about) a new guy.  It saves you from having to embellish the details in order to make things sound juicy.

If you are the kind of girl who can talk in a ‘matter of fact’ manner about a new man, then I see no problem with you sharing with your family and friends that you have had a couple of dates. 

But, if you find yourself chatting a little too much about a new guy and building things up beyond reality or if you find yourself asking your friends if they think a guy likes you even before he has taken you on the first date…..then, the 3-Date Rule might be a good spiritual discipline for you to try.

God love and bless you!

Coming Up:  I get the best emails from girls asking great questions and so far I have been responding to them privately.  Over the next couple of weeks I will be sharing their questions and my answers.  I will, of course, change the details!  I also have some exciting guest posts planned!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“ button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!

This is going to be a short post because there is not much I can add to Allie’s wildly popular post from last week about Friending!  I think we can all agree that her conclusions (“loving the person in front of you” and “I am the best version of myself when I am in God’s will.”) are spot on.

I would like to, however, add some guidance concerning friendships with the opposite sex.  Namely, guidance on what you communicate to the world about yourself and how you communicate your interest in a specific man:

Friend-Only Girl:  This is when you present yourself to the world as a ‘friend-only’ kind of girl rather than a divinely designed mysterious feminine creature with the potential romantic role of wife and mother in your future.

Cue-less:   This is when you fail to give men the “I am interested in you too!” cues they need to feel confident in pursuing you.

Friend-Only Girl

If, in how you present yourself to the world, you limit yourself to the friend-only role, it can sometimes be difficult for a guy to ‘see’ you in a romantic light.  You could stunt the attraction from growing into a romance and this could result in the guy viewing you in a sisterly way rather than in a romantic way.

For Gregg and me, the romance aspect of our relationship blossomed first and our friendship deepened over time. We are indeed best friends but we are clearly husband and wife in the most Sacramental way.

When a healthy man considers you romantically, he needs to imagine you as his wife and the mother of his children…. as well as his friend. It is in these romantic (and vulnerable) roles (including the marital embrace) and the shared experiences (joys, sufferings) that the deep marital friendship takes root and grows.

It is possible for a romance to grow out of a friendship. But sometimes fear can keep us from believing we are capable or worthy of it.  And, it is that fear that can provoke us to project a friend-only image to the world.

What image of yourself are you projecting? Are you comfortable with yourself in a romantic role? Are you able to confidently see yourself as a wife and mother?   If not, is this keeping you in friend-only mode?  Are you vulnerable to Fantasy Relationships because they are safer and because you aren’t yet willing to take the risk associated with the romantic role?

If any of this is a struggle for you, take this to the Lord in prayer.  Ask Him to heal you of whatever is causing the discomfort and blocking this healthy feminine vision of yourself.  He will know what you need.

Cue-less

Men need cues because they can sometimes have a fear of scaring a girl off with a strong pursuit.  A guy who is in your circle of friends may be interested in you but if you are sending out friend-only signals to the world, he may refrain from pursuing a romantic relationship with you.  I am not saying that you should flirt and give cues to every guy.  But, if a certain guy sparks your interest and if he seems to want to get to know you better, throw him a bone!  Flirt with him. Look him in the eye and smile!

Then, remain emotionally chaste by practicing the 3-date rule!

3-Date Rule

This rule has so many benefits!  One benefit is that it significantly reduces the stress on both of you when attempting to move from ‘just friends’ to a ‘romance.’  If you refrain from talking about a guy (with your friends and family) until after he has taken you on 3 real dates, then you have afforded him plenty of opportunity to overcome his stress.  3 dates is plenty to define a pursuit on his part.  It has, at that point, become a romance.

Make sure you have that distinction straight in your head or else you may lower your expectations to the just friends level out of fear of appearing too serious or intense.  Do not be tempted to accept ‘hang out’ sessions in the hopes of a romantic relationship forming.  You are friendly, you are sweet, but you have standards! It is perfectly normal and healthy to have these standards and expectations.

If, after 3 dates, your expectations scare him off, then revert back to friend-only status and stay there. Do not toggle back and forth in a Frelationship.  Do not fill the role of practice girl. Refrain from ‘hanging out’ with this guy so that you can remain open and available for the one God wants to place in your life.

This post was longer than I planned but I can’t help but get all ‘Mama Bear’ about you girls!

God love and bless you!

If you have enjoyed my blog, please “like” my Facebook Page, The Veil and sign up to receive my blog posts automatically by clicking the rectangular “Follow“ button. Please check me out and follow me on Twitter too! Thank you!