My posts over the last several weeks addressed Myths that singles must resist:
2. Myth #1: Others are getting away with sin/sex is consequence free
Today’s topic is Myth #3: Something Is Wrong With Me
Blessed Repeated Rejection
This myth will be the most rewarding one for me to bust because it is the myth that tormented me the most as a single girl. Because I was single for so long, I naturally came to believe that something was wrong with me. I mean, what was with all the repeated rejection? I could only find one common denominator in all those failed relationships: me.
I will share with you a detail about my life to prove to you that I understand rejection. I wrote about this in my book and provided the substantiating details, but I will give you the overarching trend that I experienced in my dating life. Are you ready? Every. Single. Guy. that I dated went on to marry the very next girl he dated after me. Oh, talk about a Divine sense of humor! Each guy, no matter their age or the length of our relationship, was ready to marry but just not ‘inspired’ to marry me. Talk about an ego buster!
“…Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act.…” Psalm 37:7
I also felt very confused by what I was observing all around me. I knew that I was not perfect but I wondered why everyone else (and their imperfect and often unchaste selves) seemed to get married. Why not me? What was wrong with me?
Well, I now have the benefit of hindsight and I am here to tell you that there was nothing wrong with me. I also want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you.
All that rejection led me to imagined that every other girl was prettier, thinner, more interesting, more athletic, more fun, more ‘you name it’ than me. This belief caused me to doubt myself. These thoughts and observations led me to believe that in order to be loved and cherished, I could not have any glaring faults. So, I focused on the things that I felt I could control and change in the hopes of capturing and keeping my guy’s attention.
This feeling of inadequacy also made me feel afraid of marriage. I seriously could not imagine living with someone 24/7. I may have been able to hide my glaring faults before marriage but what would happen once my husband began to see the whole package?
In a way, this fear was actually a gift. It kept me from taking significant stupid risks and kept me committed to Chastity. Sex is supposed to be revealing and no, I was not ready to be revealed. Certainly not without the covenant of marriage.
Now, I am not saying that I did not have plenty of room for improvement. I had plenty of ‘issues’ that needed healing and some are still with me today. But those issues were not the ones that I focused on and tried to change. Thankfully, my good Lord sustained me through it all and covertly healed me in ways that I can only now see through hindsight.
As you may know, I have this concept called The Veil which is the idea that God places a protective veil over all of us and the purpose of the veil is to hide us from every possible suitor except the one that God intends for us to marry. I call the person God wants us to marry our ‘holy spouse.’ This protective veil makes us ‘unclear’, similar to looking through a Mylar plastic sheet, to those suitors who are not our holy spouse. These suitors may be attracted to us but they hesitate to pursue us fully because they can’t fully see us; we are hidden by the veil. This may feel like rejection but it is really God’s protection.
If you struggle with the same beliefs, rejection and fears I described above, I understand. However, once I met Gregg and realized that there was nothing wrong with me, I had to laugh at myself for thinking that there was. Well, yes there were things that were wrong with me but none of them kept Gregg from falling in love with me and marrying me. And it will be the same with your Holy Spouse too.
It is funny because I thought the problem was that these other guys, the ones that rejected me, could see me and did not like what they saw. However, now I believe that a more realistic explanation is that they could not see me. I was covered by the protective Veil. The rejection was good because it was a signal to me that those guys were not who God intended for me.
With Gregg, however, he does see me and he loves what he sees. I cannot explain this other than the idea that God lifted the protective veil. And, once God lifts the veil, our holy spouse sees us through the eyes of Love in all our beauty and virtue filled with grace and trust. Gregg loves me despite all my faults and the only explanation is a supernatural one. I believe the Superabundance, which results from our chaste marriage, significantly diminishes my faults and almost makes them invisible to Gregg, my Holy Spouse. I also believe that Superabundance somehow then magnifies, for him, my good traits.
Side note: The movie When Harry Met Sally has a scene in it where Sally finds out that her former boyfriend, Joe, is getting married to his “transitional person”, Kimberly. In the scene below, Sally says, “Why didn’t he want to marry me?? What is wrong with me??” She concludes, “I’m difficult!” Harry responds “You’re challenging.” Sally protests “No, no, no, I’m too structured. I’m completely closed off!!” Harry responds, “But in a good way.”
I am not a fan of Harry in this movie (and do not condone the pre-marital sex) but his response is a humorous example of how the one that loves you can see your faults in a positive light. Here is the clip from the movie:
I cannot express enough the importance of living a Sacramental life for combating this myth. Without the grace from the Sacraments, the myth that there is something wrong with you will grow and fester like mold in a damp basement. The time when I was away from my Catholic faith and not living a Sacramental life was when this myth was strongest and most difficult to overcome.
May I recommend that you tell God you are feeling impatient so that He can send His angels to comfort you? Share with God your feelings of inadequacy. He wants to heal you and the main avenue for healing is His grace, His very own Divine Life, which is imparted through the Sacraments. Spend time with Him in Eucharistic Adoration and pour your heart out to Him. Know that the deep yearning you have can only be satisfied by God. Cling to Him.
Most of all, commit to Chastity and ask God to strengthen you with His grace. Unchaste behavior will magnify any feelings you have of self-hatred and will result in shame. Then, the enemy will taunt you and you will really believe something is wrong with you. Worst of all, it will separate you from our Holy God and lead you to despair.
The ‘one’ that God has for you will love you despite your faults. There is nothing wrong with you that will keep him from marrying you. Trust and wait. I know it is hard.
You are in my prayers. God love and bless you.
** Next week: Book Review: Would You Date You? by Anthony Buono President of avemariasingles.com
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