“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

Proverbs 4:23

        GUARD YOUR HEART. It’s a lesson we’ve heard time and time again – often to the extent where it feels like a threat instead of words of encouragement. But God wants us to guard our hearts so that they can be given, wholly and selflessly, to our future spouses – NOT as a means of repression or a strict rule designed to cage us in! The call to guard our hearts is really a reflection of the immensity of God’s love for us!

        I absolutely love the concept of ‘The Veil’, because it reminds me that God’s got my back. He wants to protect me from making wrong decisions, and keep me safe as His gift to the man He intends me for (as He saves that man for me). But it would be dangerous ground if I thought I could rest on that and go about living however I liked because ‘He’ll clean up my mistakes’.

        Yes, he makes all things come together for my good. But as with any earthly relationship it would be unfair to demand that He does all the work. As important as it is to be open to God and let Him work in our lives, we also have to recognise the role we must play ourselves. We have to work with God to fulfil His plan for us.

        That means always keeping God at the centre of everything we do, and considering whether it is where He wants us to go before we take each step. I was giving out communion in mass once, when a really good looking guy approached the altar (yep – holy AND handsome!). I got flustered, forgot what I was doing and offered him ‘the Bloody of Christ’. I laugh about it now, but the deeper truth is that in that instant I was no longer focusing on the Lord. I let a guy whose name I didn’t even know come between me and Jesus in the precious Sacrament which, I might add, I was holding the whole time.

        Ever heard the phrase ‘Run towards Jesus, then look around and see who’s running with you’? In the race of life, keep your eyes on Christ for as long as possible before joining a partnership. Allow plenty of time for those who are weak, undetermined and uncommitted to drop off! I don’t mean put off marriage for years when the opportunity is right there, I mean give yourself time for deep discernment. We live in a culture of instant gratification. Our natural reaction is to jump head-first into relationships in an attempt to reap the benefits meant for much further down the line. Instead, enjoy each phase of the journey!

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Take it slow!

Dating is stressful. Dating is exhausting. Dating is confusing. If we’re honest with ourselves, it’s a stage of the relationship we all just want over and done with. But don’t let that impatience and awkwardness cause you to act rashly. Take a step back, enjoy each other’s company. Enter into COURTSHIP, allowing yourself to discern whether they are future spouse material. If they’re not, don’t continue dating for the sake of it – that has no productive end goal, and means you’re not open to the true vocation which could be calling you.

Apply strict boundaries.

Don’t put yourself in a situation which leaves you vulnerable to temptation or misinterpretation. In the early days – and for as long as you need into the relationship! – try to avoid being left alone at a group gathering. Always say goodnight at a reasonable hour. Be sensible with where and when you meet – opt for a romantic, dignified dinner in a restaurant rather than an overly-intimate, candlelit meal at his house.

Don’t open up to them about things you wouldn’t discuss with your closest friend.

No relationship was ever built on emotional dependence or manipulation. At least none which survived! Relying on them to solve your problems or transferring your burdens will only put pressure on the relationship that it can’t withstand. Stop and think about where the conversation is going before you enter into a heart-to-heart too early on in your relationship. Getting into conversations which are deeper than your current relationship status can handle leaves you open to confusion and desolation – trust me, I’ve been there!

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        Guarding your heart DOES NOT mean avoiding the opposite sex altogether! It’s NOT a piece of advice designed to prevent relationships forming and keep you cloistered up for fear of making mistakes. Neither is it an excuse for isolation because you’re afraid of being wounded. It doesn’t mean locking your heart up so tightly that you dodge human vulnerability by never opening up to anyone. Love IS vulnerability by nature!

        Guarding your heart IS about being aware of how you act, what you say and where you are, and practising self-discipline in order to protect yourself from heartache and sin. It’s about being discerning in your relationships, forming them on mutual trust, and building a strong foundation on which to then open your heart to the other person when the time is right.

        Your heart is valuable. Make sure the guy can pay the price it deserves before you give it away!   

Esther is a final year Psychology student at Oxford University, UK, with a particular passion for empowering women to be who God made them to be and the complementarity of new feminism. She blogs at For Such a Time as This

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Thank you, Esther!

God love and bless you!

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I received Emily’s book in the mail back in October and I have been slowly making my way through it.  The reason it took me a while to get through it is because it is a book to be savored and meditated upon.  Plus, it took me a while to expand my understanding of the Theology of The Body, as the back cover says, “to beyond the bedroom.’

Ohhh, I Get It!

“Emily reveals layers of depth and richness that many of us never knew were there.”

Jen Fulwiler

I have been reading about Blessed Pope John Paul II”s Theology of The Body (T.O.B) for quite some time but to be honest, I was never able to understand it beyond a certain level.  I knew it went deep but I was only able to comprehend it in a limited way. 

Why?  Because our beloved soon-to-be-a-Saint Pope was so holy and brilliant.  His experience (Poland ~ wow), prayer life, education and understanding of our anthropology formed him into this holy man and allowed him to peer into this mystery and deliver it to us as a gift at the right time. And, wow did we need it!

So, let’s say the depth of T.O.B is a 10.  Before reading Emily’s book, I probably had reached maybe a 3, at best.  Now, I might be a 6.  This is quite an improvement considering my limited experience, my lackluster prayer life, my unrelated education and zero insight into anthropology. 

But, Emily breaks it all down for us! She, being as smart as she is, brilliantly makes his teachings accessible and applicable to us all. Even she admits that his T.O.B. teachings are ‘profound and complex’ and difficult for her to understand.  Whew, I thought it was just me!  But, her book left me saying, “Ohhh, I get it!”

Beyond The Bedroom

“T.O.B is an anthropology not a sexology.” 

Emily Stimpson

The subtitle of her book is “An Everyday Theology of The Body.”  Emily shows us how to apply the T.O.B everyday, everywhere and in everything we do.  She shows us that T.O.B was “never intended to be ‘just’ about sex.” 

As the back of the book says, T.O.B. teaches us about “everyday moments in life, helping you discover how to let grace enter into those moments and make them something extraordinary.”

This is good news for everyone but especially for singles!  As a single, young Catholic herself, Emily gives all of us (married and unmarried), as Scott Hahn said, “graceful guidance in living out the physical side of being spiritual.”

What Makes Us Beautiful?

“For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks into the heart.”

 1 Samuel 16:7

Emily opens the book with a description of the Capuchin Bone Church in Rome, Italy.  I was not sure what this had to do with being beautiful but after I ‘got it’ I realized it was a superb analogy and fitting introduction.

She then goes into the history of our culture of Modernism and how it has confused us into thinking that ‘only that which is measurable is real’ and that we (rather than God) are the center of the universe.  She explains why Humanae Vitae was not well received at first but how 45 years later it can clearly be described as prophetic.

As Emily describes, “When the body is seen as mere matter, anything goes…The body, however, isn’t mere matter…..man is a union of body and soul…” 

Emily connects the dots between these beautiful bones of ours and our souls. The body “expresses the person…It reveals the living soul…making visible the invisible.”   She explains to us how our longings to know ourselves, God and Truth are common struggles and that yes, we can in fact obtain this knowledge. She explains how “our bodies reveal God to the world.”

Emily shows us how a “Sacramental world view” is the answer to attaining this knowledge and to healing that which ails us.  A Sacramental life imparts grace to us and makes visible to us the invisible.  It is our grace-filled souls that make us beautiful and holy….even the most plain and imperfect ‘body’ which does not measure up to our crazy Modernistic world…..is made beautiful through this supernatural power (superabundance) available to all of us.

A Sacramental World View

“…matter is a vehicle for grace.”  Emily Stimpson

The Sacraments of the Church are the most powerful vehicles for grace but we can also tap into grace in every moment. Emily shows us the way and explains exactly what a Sacramental world view is.  I cannot do it justice without sharing the entirety of the book with you.  Emily weaves her wisdom throughout the book describing how grace is available to us when we work, play, serve, host, eat and do laundry.

My Favorite Chapters

Chapter 7 and 9 were my favorite chapters!  Chapter 7 is about the gift of food.  It is both convicting (are you a picky eater like me?) and balanced (gluttony, fasting, temperance, gratitude).  I think she is trying to say that the way we eat is a reflection of how we make love and show love…..  Do we rush?  Are we mindful and attentive?  Are we disordered in any way?  Selfish? Okay, moving on to Chapter 9!

I was reading Chapter 9 during Eucharistic Adoration and I found myself jotting down ten changes I need to make in my life in order to reduce the distractions in my life and increase my attentiveness and receptivity.  I also knelt at the altar and thanked God for Emily. Oh so convicting in so many good ways!

Earlier in the book she discusses receptivity and how it “requires more of us than just practicing hospitality. It also requires we Practice Attentiveness. That means looking into people’s eyes when they speak to us, paying heed to what their gestures and facial expressions communicate, and listening carefully to all they say.” As my friend Carolyn says, “it is important to be intentional.“

The Cover

When the book arrived I sent Emily a note letting her know that the cover is absolutely gorgeous.  You have to feel this book!  Sure you can get the Kindle version but I recommend the soft cover version!  You will marvel over its beauty, its softness, the chosen colors, the portrait and the embossed letters.  Really, I am not exaggerating! You will also want to highlight the best parts within the book to reflect back upon later.

Emily

Everyone knows how I feel about Emily. She is lovely in her every word and gesture.  Her writings are brilliant and inspiring.  I am constantly spotlighting her in my 7QTs.  You can read more of her good stuff here and here and here. You can buy her book, These Beautiful Bones through Amazon as well as her other book, The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide for the Single Years: The Nuts and Bolts of Staying Sane and Happy While Waiting for Mr. Right.  And, you can become her facebook friend.  Even I, a big nobody, am her friend! 

Have you read her book?  If so, what was your favorite part?  What impact did it have on you? 

God love and bless your beautiful bones!

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This week I had the honor of providing a guest post for Esther’s blog, For Such A Time As This.

Head on over to Esther’s place and check out all her awesome posts!  Thank you, Esther.

Happy St. Thomas Aquinas Feast Day!

God love and bless you,  Cindy

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The following note is a beautiful testament to the fact that the wisdom of Chastity is not just a Catholic thing.  The truth about our dignity and our design is written on our hearts. Joanna responded to the post “Stop Sleeping With Him” and she is a therapist who helps college-aged women. The note below includes her comments as well as a follow-up email exchange between us this weekend. She has a heart for young women and I feel so blessed to have met her.  Thank you, Joanna for taking the time to reach out with love and compassion!

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Dear Cindy,

I stumbled across your blog. I am not Catholic and am not religious, but I can’t agree more. I wish there was a corresponding value for secular folks without the religious connotation so it wouldn’t be rejected right away as being “prude.” I work with college aged women doing therapy with them and I cannot tell you how many times I want to shake them for being so blind to what they are doing to their self-esteem and perception of their own worth. Also, by doing things you don’t hold in high esteem, and behaving in a way that suggests you don’t value yourself, you start to believe it and actually lower your perception of your worth.

I was extremely promiscuous and the opposite of chaste. I thought it was the way to go. I had some fun, but now that I’m older I realize how much I wish I would have done less. I am very happily married to a man who fully respects me and chased me, and I am so fortunate, but I still wish I could know he was one of the only people. I know you mean chastity as you describe it and I mean acting much more in line with that value but not quite as strict, but it’s an important thing for women either way. As you said, men are the gatekeepers of commitment and we are the gatekeepers of sex. If we just give it away, we’ve got no cards we haven’t shown yet. We’ve gone all in and ruined his perception of us. The girls I work with are so confused when they sleep with a man the first night after drinking (being too drunk, another terrible thing for women), and he wants nothing to do with them while they hope they can have something.

As you said, it’s harsh, but men enjoy sleeping with easier women but they will never commit to them. They truly don’t see them as marriage material. It took me a long item to learn it but it’s never too late. Changing my viewpoint and wanting to be seen more as a lady and letting my strong man be a man has been an amazing life changing experience. Anyways, even though we have little in common in some aspects, I appreciate what you’re doing. I didn’t know it was such an epidemic that nice Catholic girls were staying single against their wishes. I feel like if they are patient, a real man will really appreciate and cherish them because of their value to not be used by so many men before him. That’s so hard to find these days. Early in my twenties I never would have understood or believed this, but at 32 it’s clear as a day. And I hope the younger girls don’t get hung up too much on finding a man- that is man repellant! Do your thing and good things will come sooner or later. I didn’t get engaged until 31.

It was so weird. I felt compelled (as you all would say, “called” :-)) to write that comment on your blog. Even if I can spare one young woman the feelings of isolation, rejection, and shame that can come with “giving it up” before a man has laid down his life for you, it would be worth it. I guess I thought maybe I could provide some insight from my unique perspective. I know some of my friends who are married and who only had sex with their now husbands or had very few partners sometimes ask me if they missed out. I can tell you as the cool, pretty, fun, popular party girl who also slept around, “NO, You did not miss out!” Honestly, the chances of having a rewarding experience with a man you don’t very well who you do not fully trust are slim to none. Physically it is not rewarding because it takes more effort and communication to make us feel good 🙂 and emotionally it is definitely not rewarding; it is the opposite of rewarding. It meets very specific, immediately gratifying needs, and if someone has those needs in the first place, I suggest they talk to  counselor or priest or friend or whoever, because to me that is spiritual bankruptcy. That’s what I was, spiritually and morally bankrupt. As a psychologist I learned that after sex, both sexes experience a release… For women, it is oxytocin, which strengthens our emotional connection to the person we just slept with and gives a strong desire to attach. Do you know what the corresponding hormone does in men? It makes them sleepy! If that doesn’t say it all right there…

But I get the sense that maybe sometimes even the nice and very faithful Catholic girls, like the ones who read your blog, wonder if they should just say “F it” and do what it seems like every other woman is doing or give in to a man’s pressure, and I felt compelled to say that THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER, and once you do it you cannot take it back. You can recover and grow and move past it, but you can’t reverse it. I look at it like the wrinkles I caused myself because I didn’t listen to my mom about not tanning and always wearing sun tan lotion. Now, I can do things to maintain my skin, but I can’t undo the sun damage and wrinkles. Having a lot of partners, or even more than one, in some cases, does not make you “damaged,” but you cannot go back. I hate that my sweet man, who knew I was a woman with a bit of a past but loves me anyways because he knows we have both changed, has to know he was not my only one.

My experiences make me who I am, so I value them, but if I have a daughter I will try to get the message to her. My poor mother tried with me, but I thought I knew way better and that she was a prude. So now I try to convey it to the women I work with. Even just getting them to commit to “no sex without being in a committed relationship” is a big first step. And I think nice God-fearing women who are not shut down so to speak are capable of way better.

Guys can be very convincing and the smoother and more cunning ones can smell a low self-esteem from a mile away. Some are well-meaning but still get swept away with their immediate wants. Project confidence and know your worth, and if he won’t be with you because you won’t sleep with him, you really dodged a bullet. Let him say whatever he wants to you or about you, (it’s just because he feels rejected and wants to protect his ego and maintain his pride), you retained your power and dignity, and he showed his true colors. Other people will know you would not go there with him and they will respect you, and the right man might hear that and be very impressed.

Another way it was put to me that really got me is that sex is not as big of a deal to a man because his “part” is external. Nobody is going inside his body when he has sex. For a woman, sex is like inviting a guest over to your house- it is much more personal to have someone in your home than to stop by someone else’s home. It’s someone in your space. When we have sex with men, we allow them in our house, and they just get to stop by if they aren’t planning on staying. That’s why it is more personal and intrusive for us if this isn’t the man we completely trust to take care of our house. Anyways, now that I’ve written a novel and told you my life story, please use whatever you like. As a reformed promiscuous woman please feel free to ask me if there is any topic with which you think my perspective might be helpful.

Take care!

Joanna

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God Love and Bless you!

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I was raised all my life in a Christian home. I always felt like Jesus and I were on very good terms, but one day, in 2008, I felt this need, this overwhelming compelling need to convert to Catholicism. There was really no basis, per say, for it, but I felt God calling me to make this change. If you know anything about me, you might know that I have a lot of grandiose ideas, but not so many of them are seen through to fruition. You see, I’m a perfectionist and if I feel there is one little hint of something having the chance to not being completed 100% correctly, I usually don’t follow-through… Bad habit, I know.

Converting to Catholicism was different though. I went through RCIA with a hunger for knowledge. When my very Protestant family raised concerns for my change, I was able to calm their ‘fears’ very easily and logically. When I was finally a confirmed Catholic on November 22, 2008, there was a sense of peace about me that I had never known.

I continued my Catholic walk, gradually losing that zeal for the Church I had had in the beginning. Over the years, I knew God had called me to become a Catholic because I was finally able to truly worship within the Mass – a feeling I hadn’t felt in Protestant church in some time, but there was something missing, it seemed. Why had God called me to become a single Catholic? I just didn’t understand.

At first, I thought, perhaps, I was called to become a nun. I reached out to several convents, read all of the brochures and prayed about each of the distinct vocations. But it still didn’t seem like that was where God was calling me. Then, one day, I was at work, and I felt God speak to me – It was more like a gentle nudging really. I was in front of my computer, and I felt God tell me to go to CatholicMatch.com. Seriously. I argued with him, audibly, at my desk for a little while. Then, finally, I gave in.

“Fine.” I said, “I am leaving this in your hands, God. My future spouse is in your hands. I have tried on my own, and I obviously can’t handle this task. You choose for me. You show me who you have in store for my future.”

And that, my dears, is history. I signed onto Catholic Match, and one week later received a message from a guy who seemed genuinely interesting. He wrote me the longest and most beautiful e-mails. It was so painfully obvious that this man truly had a heart for Christ, and when he asked for my phone number later that month, we had dozens of conversations that lasted for hours on end. Never was there a dull moment in conversation. Neither of us are (or were then) self-proclaimed ‘phone people’, but speaking to each other was always the high point of each of our days. I knew it to be true on my end, and it was pretty apparent from his…

I tried and tried and tried to find “the one” on my own – without God’s help. For years and years, I dated guys who seemed to have similar interests; based on ‘attraction’; who just ‘wanted to get married’; who were nice…It never worked. For one reason or another, I wound up 28 years old and scared to death I was going to be {gasp!} 30 and unmarried! That’s when I gave the reins to God, and allowed him to point me in the direction of my soulmate.

From my first date with Craig, there was a tugging at my heartstrings that this one was the one. He took me out for dinner and drinks, and we laughed and talked and smiled at each other across the table for 4-5 hours. A very obviously inebriated man approached our table while Craig was in the restroom, and told me he just wanted to let me know how beautiful I was…Craig came back to this, and told me, shyly, “That man was right. You are beautiful.”

When I got home that evening, my heart was soaring. I felt like a 16 year old girl who had just been asked to prom by the football star – and it never stopped. That feeling is the same one I get even today when Craig has been on a trip for work, and comes through the front door, or when I am almost home from work and know he is waiting for me…I still get butterflies.

Craig planned our 2^nd date – we met one Sunday for a Bible Study at the Catholic parish closest to my (then) condo. I thought, then, “Wow. This has God’s writing all over it.” And I was so right. It was becoming glaringly obvious as to why God led me to become a Catholic those 3 years earlier. It was finally clear. He was preparing me for my holy spouse.

Craig and I didn’t even attempt to kiss until our 5^th date, two months later… but just one month after that, he told me he loved me for the first time – and it was genuine. We both knew – it was palpable – we had been in love from the first moment we set eyes on one another. He told me later he felt like I could be ‘the one’ even before we had ever met in person. He always made me a priority, and treated every situation we were in and every conversation we had as if I were his future spouse.

After eight months of dating, Craig told me, while overlooking the waves on a beautiful beach, that he wanted to marry me, and was actively ‘searching for rings’. On the one year anniversary of our very first date, Craig surprised the heck out of me with the most romantic and well-thought-out proposal, and (after I literally fell out of my chair and onto my knees beside him) I answered him, “Absolutely.”

Never was there a choice I was surer of. We were married just over 5 months later in a beautiful Catholic Mass, surrounded by all of our family and close friends. We have been blissfully married now for 16 months, and our love only increases day by day. I am blessed with a husband who is truly my partner, my very best friend, my holy spouse. I have every confidence this is the man God intended for me from everything about our relationship, from the fact we finish each other’s sentences to the fact he likes the cake and I prefer the icing. We are absolutely a match made in Heaven, by God.

I think there is no question that along with anything God-given comes superabundance – of things that matter. This isn’t to say that everything is always 100% perfect, or that God answers YES to everything we ask for. We have been trying to conceive a child for 16 months, to no avail. BUT, the faithfulness, the love, the trust, the peace, the joy, the kindness within our marriage and our relationship…It isn’t a human amount. It’s a God amount. And life within a marriage, within God’s plan? That’s like living life, no matter what storms may rain down on you, in a perpetual hug.

It is unbelievably apparent to me we were both hidden by the veil. I was a serial dater, and there were plenty of guys who I ‘could have seen myself with’, but no matter how ‘good the relationship was’, it was only ‘of this world’. Craig will tell you the same thing about his past, which tried to pull him away from the Catholic faith, and it turns out there certainly wasn’t anything ‘other-worldly’ about it, either. Nothing has ever even come close to comparing to the manner in which Craig courted me; the diligence he had to God; the pure love and compassion he showed me… All of it was different and indescribable. NOTHING of this world.

The world may have chosen differently for Craig and I. For Craig, maybe society would have chosen someone more outdoorsy, someone with a love for baseball and a penchant for cold weather (He’s from Minnesota and went to college at the University of North Dakota.). For me, maybe the world might have picked someone who grew up in the South, someone with the same love for all things southern and monogrammed, someone passionate about music and the opera, but even the mere thoughts just break my heart because the world would have been wrong.

God knows exactly what He is doing, and what is best for you. Wait on Him.

Craig & Pier are Catholic ‘newlyweds’ married in September 2012, seeking God’s Will and striving to serve Him in every facet of their lives. They author a weekday blog, chronicling their marriage journey and growing together in Christ. The couple lives in Dallas, Georgia with their precious fur-babies, Miss Daisy, Lucy & Caroline.