How To Say ‘No’ To Him

As I mentioned in my 7QTs 3 weeks ago, several readers have written to me wanting advice on how to start saying ‘yes’ to Chastity. This ‘yes’ to Chastity will mean saying “no” to the person they are sleeping with. They want to know how to go about it. It is not a silly question.

Sex is supposed to attach us to our lover.  That is the whole point.  So, when the attachment is to someone who never plans to make a commitment, then it is devastating.  They wonder, “How do I detach myself?” and “How do I strengthen myself to say ‘no’?”  and “Is there anything I can say or do to change his mind?” 

If you have had a revelation about the wisdom of Chastity and want to start living out this virtue, how should you go about implementing this decision?  What words should you use knowing that a premarital ‘yes’ to Chastity means a premarital ‘no’ to him.


Ahhh, marriage.  Isn’t it a major driver in all this? 

It is so easy to say ‘yes’ to sex.  The dating relationship starts out with great affection and attentiveness from him.  His eyes may even sparkle when he looks at you.  His family seems to love and approve of you.  He begins the moves which lead to sex.  You know the moves.  You respond feeling confident that this guy is serious about you and that the relationship is heading in the direction of…..what?  Marriage.

“Having sex and thinking about marriage are 2 quite different things”  Biltrix

What Are His Intentions?

Women come to the decision for Chastity in a variety of ways.  Sometimes it is the Holy Spirit Who convicts them about their sexual sin.  But most of the time it is a logical, rational and emotional decision when they realize that the much-hoped-for marriage is only in their head.  They assume he has the same intentions and are devastated when they realize he is not going to marry them anytime soon. Or at all.

A Ploy For Marriage?

Sometimes a girl will put the ‘marriage’ cards on the table to try to figure out where the relationship is heading.  She may be able to tell about his intentions toward her simply by his reaction to her decision for chastity.  She hopes he will say, “Okay.  I understand.  I love you and want to keep dating you to discern marriage.”  But, often times she is met with “Why?” or “What?!?!” or “Goodbye.” Sometimes, he disappears once he knows there is no longer anything in it for him.  Repeating this wonderful quote:

“Having sex and thinking about marriage are 2 quite different things”  Biltrix

When girls write to me, they are often wondering how to present their desire for Chastity without it sounding like a ploy for marriage. But, let’s be honest.  It is about marriage. And, this is nothing to be ashamed of.  The requirement to have sex with you is marriage.  This does not disqualify him from ever having sex with you.  If he marries you, he qualifies.  So, this is not about him.  It is about you and your future husband.

What Is Your Reason?

This question about how to implement Chastity is one of my favorites.  I usually respond to it with a series of questions to try to figure out your specific reason for wanting to commit to Chastity.

You see, I cannot tell you your reasons.  The best reasons come from inside of you.  After one girl responded with her reasons, I asked her to read the reasons back to herself every day for 30 days.  This is an exercise that is usually effective.

How To


Once you understand your specific reasons, here is what I suggest:

1.  Write down your reasons.  Read your reasons to yourself everyday for 30 days.

2.  Avoid near occasions of sin.  You know the ‘situations’ that lead you to sin.  Avoid those.           

3.  Be firm in your decision.  Be clear in your words to him about waiting until marriage.  If he doesn’t marry you, he doesn’t get to sleep with you.  It is not personal.  It is not a ploy.  He just doesn’t qualify for this level of bonding and intimacy.

4.  Pray and seek grace to strengthen you by living a Sacramental Life in Christ.

5.  If you are struggling, write to me so that I can pray for you and walk you through this.

“Chastity is a difficult, long-term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit …” Blessed Pope John Paul

God love and bless you!

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2 thoughts on “How To Say ‘No’ To Him

  1. Sound and sure advice! Thanks for sharing your wisdom and supporting women who find it difficult to do the right thing for themselves and their future family. God bless!

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