In my post from two weeks ago, I shared that it is unwise to chase men. And, that if you find yourself doing the chasing, you should:
- Stop sleeping with him.
- Stop chasing him.
- Stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high.
- Stop responding to lame and inconsistent initiation from him.
Last week, I addressed #1: Stop sleeping with him. This week, I will address #2: Stop chasing him.
Why? Because men are awesome, competent and brave and they are perfectly capable of doing the chasing and initiating!! And, when he is the one, he will chase you. He will want to chase you!
First, I will describe what I mean by “chasing”. I am not promoting the idea of playing head games. That would be cruel. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect simply by the nature of their human dignity. Nor am I saying that you should approach your relationships with a ‘tit for tat’ kind of keeping score mentality. When he is the one, it is impossible to keep score because of all the generosity, giving and smiling going on.
What I mean by “chase” is that he is slightly ahead of you emotionally. You might be thinking, “How can he be ahead of me and chase me at the same time?” Ah, life is a paradox, isn’t it? Chasing means he tries to draw you into his life. He makes plans with you. He calls you daily just to hear your voice and to make sure you don’t forget about him. He sees you as a marvelous mystery so he spends his time and energy trying to figure you out and get closer to you. He envisions a future with you and this, my friend, excites him!
Anthony Buono, the founder of Avemariasingles.com writes in this article:
“You are a woman. A woman has mystery. A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery. A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms.”
Just like we girls struggle with finding Mr. Right, men struggle with finding a girl they believe they can marry and be happy with. If that girl is the one for him and if she is virtuous, trustworthy and attractive to him, then he will pursue with gusto!
What I am saying is that if he is interested in you, he will chase you. If he is **not** interested in you, he will either not chase you at all or his chasing will be lame and inconsistent (more on this in a couple of weeks).
Here are some examples of chasing:
- You haven’t heard from him in a couple of days and you are feeling like he has forgotten you. So, you nonchalantly give him a call or send him a text. You know, just to say ‘hi”. But, deep down your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!” He is happy to hear from you and apologizes for not calling sooner. He has been super busy with work and stuff and time just got away from him. Sound familiar?
- You do the Marianne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) thing and send him all kinds of texts (Marianne sent Willoughby numerous letters which went unanswered and were returned unopened) and constantly comment on his Facebook page. Your actions scream “Don’t forget about me!” as well as a sense of possession that can be smothering.
- His sister is getting married and you are not sure if he plans to take you to the wedding. So, you drop all kinds of hints. You contact his sister and volunteer to help out wherever you can with the wedding. You insert yourself into an event you haven’t been invited to. Your actions (chasing) are tolerated by him but you are left with the feeling that if you had not initiated, you would be sitting home during the blessed event.
- You initiate “the talk.” He reassured you that everything is fine but deep down you still feel unsure about his intentions, your future together and his feelings toward you.
The above examples all sound innocent enough. You may be thinking, “I am an equal in this relationship, therefore I can initiate phone calls, relationship talks and invite myself to weddings.” Sure, you can. But, it is not emotionally smart and it will make you feel more insecure rather than less.
In the words of Anthony Buono, “A man can tell when he is dealing with an impatient woman. “
Why Not Initiate?
The reason you should stop chasing and initiating is because he is perfectly capable of chasing you! But, he will only chase you and initiate things if he is really interested in you. And, when he is the one his chasing and initiation will be consistent and impressive!
No, no, he is not “afraid” of relationships and he is not “intimidated” by you. Those worn out excuses are code for the fact that he is not interested enough in you to chase you or he is just too immature to overcome himself and complete his mission.
Again, wisdom from Anthony Buono: “Men pursue. He will pursue if he is interested.”
He is more than capable of initiating and leading the relationship so let him! Let him take the lead and then respond to his courageous initiation with a big smile and enthusiasm. That is pretty much all men need.
Just Smile and Respond With Enthusiasm
I speak from experience. See all those chasing examples above? Well, umm, although they are a bit embellished and the details are altered, I may have been guilty of one or two during my single days with guys who were not the one.
But, with my husband, none of that happened. He was so incredibly interested in me that I never wondered how he felt about me. I never wondered when I would hear from him again or see him next. He would tell me what to expect and then follow through. I never wondered if I would be included in his life. He was drawing me into his life! I never had to initiate “the talk” because he was always talking about us and me and how wonderful I am (funny what Superabundance can do!). And you know what my role was? I smiled sweetly and responded to his initiation with genuine enthusiasm. It was so easy!
Here is the thing. When he is the one, he pursues you. If he is not pursuing you, he is not the one and there is very little you can do about it. Keep in mind that you are covered by a veil so no matter what you do or how wonderful you are, unless he is the one, he will not see you and therefore he cannot appreciate you. His initiation will wax and wane. His pursuit will be lame and inconsistent. He will run hot and cold.
He is not a bad guy. He is awesome, competent and brave. He just can’t see you. He only catches glimpses of you and what he sees he likes but it is not the whole vision of you. Don’t get mad about it. Give the guy a break and realize what is going on. This guy is not the one so just let him go. Stop chasing him and the situation will die a natural death.
Then, you must strive toward virtue (more on this in a future post) and commit to Chastity. This will ensure that you are ready for the guy who is the one.
In my next post we will talk about expectations and I will encourage you to stop thinking your expectations for being chased are too high!